I 28M have been dating 24F for 1 month. It has been really intense. She initiated a lot of the hanging out, would leave stuff at my house so she had an excuse to see me again, and would say stuff like she missed me / invite me to concerts / even invited me to a wedding after 3 weeks.
At the 3 week mark we had a discussion about being exclusive and off hinge. She brought it up.
Last Sunday I then see a hinge notification. I go quiet for a day or two and tell her we need to talk. We talk on Wednesday, I don’t bring up the hinge notification just say I want something serious and committed otherwise I’m out. She says she’s been waiting for that and also wants it. I’m happy. She then goes radio silent that night which is unsual, especially for us just making it official.
Since then a lot of weird things have happened:
- That morning she added a bunch of songs to her sex playlist including stuff about cheating / “the weekend” by sza / stuff like that and hid her “feelings” playlist. This part is important because the first night we slept together she added a bunch of songs to it.
- same morning her “slut life” group chat started blowing up
- She got me melatonin to sleep over, she doesn’t use melatonin, when I slept over it was open
- she made a big deal about washing her comforter before I came over
- she has stopped being as engaging over text and now doesn’t text me in the evening or mention what she was doing, we used to talk about our day, she’d say stuff about missing me and stealing the covers, none of it now…all of these things she did before
- she has a bunch of new bruises on her legs
- she dropped that she is one of the last single ones in her group… she then said it was a slip
- in the middle of the night I noticed she was up but on the total opposite side of the bed, I moved my foot towards her and she just kept moving farther away almost off the bed
- she would like when I hold her hand, now she doesn’t
- she wouldn’t let me follow her on Instagram at first
- she switched her shift to be free Saturday night but didn’t tell me and said she was still working, he coworker ended up bringing it up
- we have a trip planned for later this month, when her coworker asked her about it she made a face and shook her head, she didn’t think I noticed
- she hides her phone and goes to the bathroom to send texts
- she made a iMessage sticker of a scandalous picture and it was in recents, she never sent it to me
These could all have a rationale explanation with the exception of the hinge notification while being exclusive. I asked her how she was feeling about being in a relationship because my gut is just churning and she said “I am annoying obsessed with you and want this”.
I’ve dealt with a narcissist before, gaslighting, whole 2nd life, “little things” off like these I just ignored and explained away, it all turned out to not be in my head at all and I was 100% right. She’s giving all of these same red flags I saw and ignored in my last partner BUT she acts and says she’s so happy to be with me and a switch flips when we’re together. It’s like I’m dealing with 2 different people. But I don’t have enough to confront her about it.
My gut tells me she thought I was sleeping with other people and going to end things (she said she did think I was the same day we had the official conversation) so she continued to see other people, met someone, and is keeping me around as a backup until she locks him down. My gut is SCREAMING at me.
I’m so torn because I think I need to end things but what if these do have a rationale explanation and she is actually really wanting this? I don’t have enough to confront her. I’m soooo fucking confused.
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OOF. Sorry bro.
I mean even if she DOES actually want this, it doesn’t sound like you would? Like this relationship does not seem to be a fun time for you.
You have dated one month and you say that you are already for a commitment, but you also have a long list of grievances.
This is not the woman for you.
You don’t have to confront her or have enough “evidence” to talk to her. If you both want a relationship, talking shit through is a big part of that. Sit her down, talk to her calmly and tell her how you felt that the energy that you had at the beginning with her was different since the moment it became official and just want to know if she still on for it, if she’s comfortable with being exclusive and all that.
Now, it does seen like you have an anxious attachment style, and all of this could be in your head, you’re looking at small details and changes in her mood and seemed to be personalizing it to you, like she’s changing because she’s cheating. I get that you had an experience with narcissist before, and you might need to do some introspection into that because there could be wounds of it, but I don’t see the narcissist behavior so far.
Actions speak louder than words. Don’t go by what she “tells” you, go by what she “shows” you.
So this is what happens….and tbh there’s no rational explanation to any of what you’re saying she doing other than she’s with another guy. She agreed to be in a committed and serious relationship. So once she agreed to that she shouldn’t be moving like she is…very secretive and hiding things. Very weird.
She definitely met someone else and testing him out but wants to keep you warm in case he doesn’t work out. This other guy is probably her ideal type and checks off all her boxes, but at the same time that guy is probably known as an F boy so she’s seeing if she can change him. At same time she wants to keep you as a plan b. That’s why she hasn’t ended things with you yet. They for sure hooked up together. Women have a hard time hooking up with two guys at the same time and showing the same energy for both. She’s likely feeling him more and just sees you as a placeholder in case her actual type doesn’t work out. Women are hypergamous in nature. They are always in the lookout for the better suitor
I would tell her straight up it’s better you two go back to just dating, situationship, friends with benefits, or w/e title yall had before. Then start dating other women and going out more with your friends. If you can’t return to what yall had before because your feelings are too deep than step away completely. Block her number and all socials. Just quit her cold turkey. Focus on yourself and work on further improving yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially. Make that a focus of yours for the next 6 months.
Don’t jump to conclusions.
How are you going to respond if she’s not i to this anymore?
Food for thought: Maybe you’re not into this. Maybe she’s is kind of wild but is loyal to you, despite all of your observations. Yet, here you are tormented and you don’t really have much evidence that anything is actually wrong. She might be really busy, she might be getting notifications because that’s how the apps are sometimes, she wants her linens to be fresh for you but you worry she’s washing away evidence … either way, look at how anxious you are. This is who she is, and this is what she does. She has every right to be herself and not worry about your issues.
You’re going to need to calm down and decide if YOU want to be with this person.
Talk to her about it. Don’t try to strategize or decode her.
I will say this being falsely accused as a huge turn off, especially if you are totally innocent and just being yourself, however, playful or wild . ☮️
>would leave stuff at my house so she had an excuse to see me again
Marking their territory/seeing you again – yeah women do that, you’ll get used to it.
>At the 3 week mark we had a discussion about being exclusive and off hinge. She brought it up.
Very early. Should have been cautious.
>she has stopped being as engaging over text and now doesn’t text me in the evening or mention what she was doing, we used to talk about our day, she’d say stuff about missing me and stealing the covers, none of it now…all of these things she did before
Emotional withdrawal is something you should take a strong note of.
>she wouldn’t let me follow her on Instagram at first
Ah, now we might be seeing the other side. A little too much emotional investment from you perhaps? Why are you chasing for her socials? She should be chasing for yours.
>we have a trip planned for later this month, when her coworker asked her about it she made a face and shook her head, she didn’t think I noticed
Hmm. Not a great sign.
>she hides her phone and goes to the bathroom to send texts
Red. Flag.
I’ve responded to a few key points that stood out, not all of them. Honestly, I wouldn’t date this girl. Some things might be coincidences, but put it all together – it’s not good. Infidelity aside, is this really someone who respects their partner? I wouldn’t accept that behavior.
That said, you need to look at yourself here. You’ve likely entered exclusivity with someone you’ve only known for three weeks. Plus, it sounds like you’ve been pretty needy – asking for her Instagram, following her every move -that shows you’re way more invested than she is. I bet you’ve also done things you haven’t mentioned – your messaging style, how you talk. That signal neediness. Women pick up on that much more than men do.
If I had to guess: she was interested because you’re older and seemed confident and masculine. But you quickly fell into her traps – developed feelings, agreed to exclusivity too soon, got needy, started mate guarding, and so on. All this signals insecurity, not confidence.
Confident, masculine men don’t hand out exclusivity easily. They make girls work for it. They don’t get jealous or paranoid because they know they can replace a girl easily. Because you showed neediness, she lost attraction and now sees you as a “schmuck.” So she’s hunting for a truly confident man.
Understand this: at 24, these girls know confident, masculine men well. They’ve been with them before and can smell insecurity a mile away. They test you, and in this case, you failed.
I would distance myself, it’s not someone I would take seriously or idealize. You don’t need evidence or to confront anyone. You want confirmation and validation of your suspicions but they are enough. Regardless if it’s all innocent, this person is not moving in a way that makes you comfortable or is consistent with their words.
Run Bro
Okay, honestly, yeah, when I was seen a therapist, she told me that people with mild personality disorders are drawn to me (my brother has one) so I am used to dealing with people like that.
This girl may thinks she wants one but doesn’t.
She may honestly want one, but it is freaking out, you may want to ask her.
I shared the above because you may draw people like that and your life
Trust your instincts as they are usually right.
That is what saved our ancestors from sabertooth tigers so learn to trust them.
Everything you listed sounds shady as fuck to me as well.
Just tell her the relationship isn’t working out like you thought it would and end it.