We both work full time jobs. I work 35-40 hours a week and on call every other week. I am sometimes on call for 2 consecutive weeks. I have 3 days off every week. I am usually awake by 5:30 AM and I get home around 7pm. I drop the baby to his grandma’s house in the morning before heading to work. Every night when I get home, I wash and sterilize my baby’s bottles. I also clean the kitchen and feed the baby. My husband will also feed the baby if I am still in the kitchen. He also has the baby with him while he unwinds on the couch watching tv. If the baby gets up at night, my husband will make the bottle and I feed and change diapers. Sometimes my husband will change the diaper and I will make the bottle and feed the baby.
My husband works 50-54 hrs weekly because he does overtime. He wakes up around 4:30 AM and gets home around 7pm. He picks up the baby after work. He has two days off. He is also studying daily for a promotion. He gets to study at work and on his days off he studies for about 4-5 hours at home or in the library.
On my days off, I clean, do laundry, cook, and take care of my 6 month old. Before we were married, I did his laundry sometimes. Never made it my responsibility. But, if he needed me to do it I would. The same applies now. I do a majority of the house work and parenting. My husband takes out the garbage and makes sure the yard is free of tree branches and whatever else doesn’t belong.
Since I became a new mom, it’s been hard finding a balance between my career, being a mom, and a wife. I am a great mom. I do everything I need to for my baby. I am a nurse practitioner so that is a lot of responsibility as well.
Due to working, I am unable to cook as often as I would like. I meal prep on Mondays and on Saturdays I’ll cook. My meal prep only last for two days and the other days we have to buy food.
Today, my husband made it a point to bring up that I need to learn what it means to be a wife. He leaves clothes on the floor and socks all around. I used to speak to him about this a lot before we got married. But once I realized that is hasn’t changed, I stopped speaking about it. I don’t pick up his clothes off the floor. I just ignore it. He also leaves it in piles on a chair in our room. I don’t touch the pile. In my opinion, I don’t need to clean up after a grown man. I clean the common areas such as the living room and kitchen. If he leaves dishes in the sink, I wash them. If he messes up the couch, I fix it.
He will now have an additional day off of work because he will work longer hours. His additional day off will be when I am at work. He does not bathe the baby. Usually I do or my in laws. Since he will be home, I asked that he bathe the baby and wash his bottles so that I won’t have to do it on my work day while he is home. I am willing to teach him because he has never done any of the two. I will continue to do it on all of my other usual days. He brought this up to his mom and his grandma and they were wondering how would he be able to do that and they would not trust a man to bathe their baby. Then proceeded to say they will do it for him on Tuesdays’s. I don’t mind, but I think this is the problem. They’ve done absolutely everything for him between cooking, cleaning, and doing his laundry. They don’t work full-time jobs, but I do. Even if they did work full-time jobs, I am not them. I feel like he’s expecting me to hold the same standard and I refused because I am not his maid or his mother. We are both grown adults. I don’t have anyone catering to me in those ways.
He will sometimes get the baby dressed and moisturize him after I give him a bath but sometimes that comes with complaints.
He says I need to be more focused on what needs to be done around the house even though I do a majority of child care and have a full time, demanding job. As you can see above, there is some degree of teamwork but it needs A LOT of improvement. I don’t put too much stress on it now because he needs to study for his promotion.
He says that I did everything to get the ring, house, and baby but now I’ve changed once I got it. I told him that I think he needs to be a bit more considerate as my life has changed drastically especially with becoming a new mother. I feel he does not understand how life changing that is. Before, I was able to cook more and do laundry. He doesn’t know how to cook anything besides eggs and bacon. I like cooking so I don’t mind it but i just dont have the free time to do it as much.
He also mentioned that the only thing I’ve been good at is opening my legs. At this moment, I am completely turned off by him. Sometimres, I do feel like I made a mistake with marrying him.
We’ve been having a rough marriage for plenty of other reasons. One being because I found him flirting with another coworker. I have a lot of trust issues which has brought a lot of insecurities to surface.
Another reason is because I have a crazy mother who has been causing a lot of drama in our lives. But, I just want to know. What makes a good wife and if anyone can offer good advice.
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What makes a good wife? A decent husband who works as a team.
It sounds like he expected you to go full trad wife when kids came into the picture. Did you discuss how things would be divided before you got married? Were there no clues prior to the baby that he expected you to handle all the household tasks? At this point, the best you can do is suggest marriage counseling to set up some guidelines, but if he is not willing to do that, you may want to consider divorce. You would likely find your life easier with only one child instead of two.
Fuck all of this. You are not the problem. HE is the problem.
Husbands who want trad wives first need to be trad husbands
He literally told you that the only thing you’re good at is opening your legs?
I….um….i wouldn’t be able to come back from that. The whole “be a good wife” and “you did everything to get the ring, house, and baby” lines are also awful.
Why the fuck can’t he cook and clean? He gets home at the same time you do.
I’m sorry but honestly? I’d be talking to an attorney and making an exit plan. I’d rather be alone than do everything by myself AND be talked to like that.
You are a great wife married to a not so great husband. It doesn’t help that his mother jumps in to “save” him from any childcare responsibilities.
He needs a wake-up call. Like you walking out the door. He does not respect you and wants a servant
What makes a good wife? Having a good husband who appreciates everything she does.
He doesn’t deserve you.
Aw men bitching if you dont get their dicks wet and bitching if you do. Just leave his ass he wants you waiting on him hand and foot and also working full time. He’s a leech of a “man”.
Unfortunately, it sounds like his behaviour is being enabled by his mum and grandma so I’m not sure he will change. You can sit down and talk to him but will he listen? Is there anyone else in your lives that could speak with him? You could try marriage counselling but will he go?
Your bigger problem is that fact he’s flirting with other women, are you happy to ignore this?
Being married and having kids today is hard and it’s very much teamwork, unless he’s in a position to allow you to be a stay at home wife?
Oh my gosh. You sound like a good wife. A good wife is the same as a good husband, one that works as a team in the best interest of the other person as well as themselves. One that is supportive and kind and loyal. This man sucks, my god. I am so sorry. If you feel like the relationship is worth salvaging, please invest in couple’s therapy. If not, your life will be easier divorcing. You WILL meet another man deserving of your dedication and he will support you physically and emotionally. Good luck and keep your head up.
In this case you should be focusing on what makes a good ex-husband. This guy fits the bill and be sure to hire an excellent attorney and go after full custody and child support. He can pay for daycare.
Your life would be easier without him.
Why are you letting someone treat you this way?
Is he a good husband? Judge him
Erm “He also mentioned that the only thing I’ve been good at is opening my legs.” WTF??? He’d be heading to a divorce lawyer if that was my husband!!! You aren’t a bad wife, he’s just a shitty husband!
It doesn’t sound like he wanted a wife. He wanted a housekeeper, nanny, and a cook so he doesn’t have to do anything at all.
It seems like you’re both doing a lot of work, so there shouldn’t be guilt for either of you. The bottom line is that something about this arrangement isn’t working for him (in this case, but it doesn’t matter if it was you or him bringing it up) and that’s where I’d start if this were a healthy discussion: “Okay, let’s figure out exactly what you need that you’re not getting. How/what can we adjust to change that? Okay. Is this fair? Would we both feel supported? Let’s try it out.”
But it’s not a healthy discussion when he says you should “learn what it means to be a wife”. Tf? What is this, fuckin 1912? What a wild thing to say, but I guess people like this still exist. He needs to be specific if he wants change and consider you as a human, and his teammate/partner, first… which judging by the legs comment he does not. As it stands, fuck that dude (sorry I know he’s your spouse but appalled at his disrespect/misogyny)—he needs therapy bad.
My wife and I split up our responsibilities equitably and constantly check in to see if the other needs anything. I don’t care who makes money for us—it’s currently me because that’s how it worked out but if her side business took off and she wanted me to switch roles with her, I’d gladly do it. Because we’re a team, and if something is too hard for either of us we just approach it as a problem we both need to solve.
He’s not a good husband, you just carried for 9 months and pushed an entire fking human out of your body a year ago.
He wants a bangmaid, not a partner who is a mother for his child. Now he is emotionally unfaithful…
Girl, keep evidence of his texts, flirting things, whereabouts, words he used against you, … I don’t know where this goes, but you might find it useful in court one day since people don’t change. Make sure you get half or more of minimum things he provided thinking he is done working on his part
Get out now.
This dude hates you.
He wants you be a free maid, sex worker, and child care provider, not an actual person.
He wants you to do just like his mother and grandmother have done and baby him.
He doesn’t respect because if he did, he wouldn’t be saying those god-awful things to you.
He talks about a good wife? He doesn’t know what a good husband is.
He needs to start pulling his weight or adios. There is nothing wrong with you. This is him thinking he can live some Cush life in your back. No way
Hon, you’re what we call a Married Single Mother. You’re husband brings nothing to the table but a little extra income. His baggage is unnecessary stress, insults, spending and messes. This is why 75% of divorces are filed by women. How much would your life change without him? Seriously? He’d have to pay child support, yes, so financially it will be a little bit tighter, but you’ll still work, have less messes to clean up and no arguments as to what makes a good wife. Plus, if you split custody, you’ll get 50% time to yourself to do the ultimate glow up that beat down women (yes emotional beating is still beating) and you’ll sleep better and live better.
Don’t waste your time on this man. You have a great job. He disrespects you. Frankly, I would tell him to go ahead and find a different wife then.
He sounds very immature and he’s doing a lot of reacting and not enough responding. It also seems like he doesn’t understand the root of his frustration and I don’t think it’s you. I think he’s taking it out on you because you’re there.
You sound like a good wife for asking. Therapy sounds like a perfect answer right about now.
He would not be my husband any longer.
Ditch the husband girl wtf. He sucks. He wants a traditional wife but you need to work. And you should because if you end up relying on him financially, you will get screwed. UPDATEME
Actually called you a bad wife and that the only thing you’re good at is opening your legs?! I can tell you a good husband doesn’t say anything like that! He clearly thinks a good wife is his servant. Fuck that.
He wants a trad wife but he doesn’t make trad husband money. He wants what his daddy and granddaddies had which was a slave that does all the work and never ever complains.
You can’t fix him and life will just get harder for you. Please re-evaluate this relationship.
Classic projection.
He says you switched up once you got married but it’s clear that he was hiding his misogyny and selfishness until he “trapped you” in marriage.
Id make it clear that this isn’t acceptable and you’re not going to tolerate being spoken to that way.
Your husband is a jerk, and I would not stay with him. He told you that the only thing you’re good at is opening your legs?!?! I would leave for that comment alone.
The next time he says that you need to learn how to be a good wife, tell him that he needs to learn how to be a good husband and father because it sounds like he is neither.
It sounds like your husband wants to be mothered. If that’s the case, he can move back in with his mother. What kind of grown-ass man can’t pick up his clothes, launder them or bathe his child?
Didn’t read most of the post. But ideally a good wife for most men would probably be a traditional wife. I know any blue collar worker would appreciate that
This is a lot, but if I had a wife who was doing this much with work, the house and the baby, I’d be making sure she felt appreciated and helped every single day. Even when it gets hard to remember when you’re in the stress of it all, I would never say she should “learn to be a good wife”
You have a lousy husband. He is entitled, he is disrespectful and lazy. Why can’t he pick up his own socks? Why can’t he help more?
Sounds to me like you’d have less work to do without him.
I can’t believe that you are still in that house with that man. It is another case of you don’t know who you married until you have a kid. God forbid that you should give your child the attention it needs and take your eye off your husband for even a moment. He needs you to work full-time, but he also needs you to be a Trad Wife. It’s time for you to realize that you would be better off on your own. This is not a marriage worth saving in my opinion.
So you do everything you can and he is an a**** man child and gets upset cos you won’t clean up his socks. A good solution to your problem is divorce. Get all your ducks in a row, make sure your finances are seperate and get a good lawyer. This guy doesn’t deserve you. He can look after the baby and do all the housework on his time when he has custody for the week or weekend. You deserve so much more.
You married a disgusting pig he will never change
Stories like this is why I have a IUD and keep my mouth shut when my boyfriends mom asks when we are going to get married. Who has energy to have kids when we have men like this in our lives.
I would tell your husband, “I’m a excellent wife and mother with a full time job but I’m not a stay at home wife” there’s a distinct difference. Unless your husband is making 300K a year he needs to chill on his demands and expectations.
A “good wife” is a wife who is pleasant and empathic. One who takes care of her family. This is not saying you aren’t those things, or that your husband doesn’t do things he should do also. But if you are pleasant, pay attention to your husband and baby, then you are a good wife. It’s really that simple. The average husband just wants to be with someone that is pleasant to be around, and takes care of their family.
He wants you to be HIS mommy too. Not just to your infant.
In FACT, he wants you to be a mommy who spreads her legs for him.
You would be SO MUCH better off as a single mother.
Your husband is not acting like a husband or even an adult. Having people do everything for him his whole life has not helped him be an independent adult. He needs to be the one stepping up. He needs to do more as a father and as an adult living in that household. Men really think it’s the woman’s responsibility to do all the household chores, raise kids, pay bills… and on top of that find time to “be a good wife” while all they do is the bare minimum.
There are two sides to every story, but honestly, you sound like a catch. It’s a shame you’re with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
You chose the wrong man. It’s a really awful mistake to make and the doubly so when you add a child. I made the same one. It’ll be better when you’re divorced for sure. Just you’ll never be truly done due to the children.
I would leave him and let him figure out how to take care of himself after that “your only good for” comment. Maybe not forever but I would have taken the baby and left for at least a long weekend. If he doesn’t change-and fast-you are seriously going to start resenting him. This will kill your marriage pretty fast. You might be able to repair your marriage if he is willing to compromise and realize you guys are a team and he needs to bring more to the table than the boy that works in bed.
Havent read the post yer but seeing the title ill speculate you are not giving him the attention (maybe sexual) that he would like.
Now Ill read and continute the comment.
…
Ok, i was COMPLETELY WRONG. 🙂
Now, seriously, he is working approximately 50% more than you and presumably his salary is that much better.
As well, he is studying for promotion, which if happen, will bring better living standart to the family. Since you are a family this is a work towards the family.
It wouldnt hurt much if you take care of his clothes and food. He might not feel appreciated enough.
BUT
The flirting and the way he expressed his frustration are not good. It speaks volume about your future as a couple.
Having a baby is great change for young family dinamics. Maybe both of you should remember to be nicer, sweeter and lovng to you each other. Helpfull to each other.
Thats why you married? Because you love each other.
Or not?
edit/ having read most of the comments – people here are deluded. Either not married or ai bots. Seriously. How can anyone suggest SO EASILY a divorce to completely unknow people o.O
From what you’ve written, you sound like a great wife! But thanks to his grandmother and mother. It sounds like he’s been a bit spoiled and doesn’t really know how to contribute equally. However, I was mortified by his comment where he said “the only thing I’ve been good at is opening my legs.” I’m a guy and I was offended by that. You clearly have been doing more than enough to be considered a good wife. But I guess he wants a maid on top of everything else. So I think your question is: do I try to fix him or cut my losses?
Oh he said not a good wife- he misspoke. He meant mother. He clearly wants to be taken care of. He’s not a good partner though. That’s for sure.
Are you able to cut your hours a bit? Therapy is important, going on dates is important. Are you still pumping/breastfeeding?
I had a similar situation with my husband. I worked at a hospital at the time. I quit when my baby was 9months and he became more responsible. It was a drastic move but I feel men need the shock of things sometimes. You can always get that job back or just go per diem.
He will have to work harder and he wont have time to flirt.
Make a list of the things you do around the house, taking care of the baby, making meals, cleaning, the laundry and all other tasks. Then tell him, “Here, you do these tasks for the next week while I sit with the baby watching tv. After a week, tell me where I can improve as a wife.” My bet is that he won’t make it thru Day 1 of doing what you do. That should shut him up and also tell him, “You need to be a better husband.” But you will have to only eat eggs and bacon for a week.
Good luck. He won’t get better if this is how he is acting 1 YEAR INTO MARRIAGE. You can live your entire life supporting a child and a grown man who is going to criticize you the entire time. If my partner ever treated me like this I’d be so fucking gone.
I get that so many of these stories have the added complexity of a child, a house, family pressures, etc, but DAMN, so many women on here sign up for a lifetime of sadness for what? Because you made a wrong choice in a man at 24? There are millions of men out there that treat women like respected life partners.
Don’t nag. Sex on demand. Be obedient.
This is the fault of a broken society, not of either of you.
Human beings make mistakes. Marrying this guy sounds like it was an error. You are already a single mother. Make it official so that you don’t have some guy in your house talking to you like you’re a street walker while you take care of your child on your own.
Oh honey, you need to toss that whole man away.
With the exception of your kid, I would honestly stop doing all other household chores so he can see how much you actually do. Also, no sex. He lost that privilege. What does he actually expect you to be doing more of? I’m really curious did he say specifically or was this not discussed?
I feel like him telling you you did everything to get the ring as a double edged sword on his part because it sounds like he did everything to get you to accept until you were married and then his true colors came out
I’d counter back how he is a good husband if he still have his mom and grandma doing everything else for him that you’re not doing?
Seriously? This is such a mindfuck and exactly why women are not getting married and bearing children in a rush.
I’d focus my energies on leaving him, imo cuz it won’t get better with that kind of mentality you’re married into. You don’t have a husband, but a man child.
He sounds just like my first husband.
“He literally told you that the only thing you’re good at is opening your legs?” For most men that is enough.
So you didn’t get any time together as spouses because you had a baby in year one? That’s really hard. Makes it difficult to establish a good flow and security.
He’s very rude for saying that. Sounds like hiring a house keeper would make life easier on both of you. You get to relax more and you have more time together?
Do you want to maintain traditional gender roles? If not I would start couples counseling.
You sound like an amazing wife. He sounds like a d*ck