I [29F] don’t want sex with my husband [32M] much because I over-fetishize sex and he, on the other hand, basically trivializes it. Any advice on how to mentally compromise?

Before you ask… we were virgins before we dated each other. We never really got into a rhythm sex-wise, but we clicked in all other avenues. Together 7 years before marrying.

Sex to me (at least, how I imagine it should be) is something very deep, where you share the most vulnerable kinky interests with one another and generate a deep bond and trust through continual exploration and development of one another’s tastes.

It seems sex to him is basically just a physical and visual thing.

What do I have to do to appease him sexually? Just show up. And look good, or mostly good. I don’t have to put much effort into it really, mentally or physically. I can starfish, and he will be super grateful and into it and act like it’s the best thing ever and that it made his week. And he seems genuine about this.

what am I looking for? Well, dirty talk leading up to it, for a start. Dirty talk during would be nice. And maybe instead of just penetration, he could do some extra actions like be unnecessarily rough or tie me in some way. Or even be romantically, sensually gentle and comforting me vocally while doing it, which would also be hot. Basically I wish he would put some or any creative thought into it.

The thing is he is not even bad at sex. The sex feels very physically good and I genuinely moan almost the whole time. It is a mindblowing sensation and I do feel euphoria afterward. But STILL. There is also the feeling that something is missing, as if sex time was a grand opportunity for us to connect more deeply mentally, and that that opportunity was missed! every! time!

I’m sure some advice here will be that I should lead the way. Okay, well, lately I was working up towards asking him to anal me, which I had/have a huge fetish about to the point of being open to being “anal-only” for months IF he wanted it. In my mind when I fantasized about this, I would imagine that he could dirtytalk me about how I’m his analslut now and things like that.

whenever anal actually happened (upon my request) however, it felt great, but again the ‘mental creativity’ aspect of sex that I’d hoped for from him wasn’t there. He was into it and he enjoyed it and he even requested it multiple times after, but he still acted mentally casual and non-fetish-y about it and like he was perfectly okay with switching or sticking to PIV as well and didn’t do any creative dirtytalk involving it and it was just another good physical and visual sensation for him basically.

Furthermore in the past I’ve directly told him things like “you should spank me” or “please slap me” during sex and he will do it and act into it but then it will NEVER come up again from him. I used to think lack of reoccurrence was because he wasn’t into it and made him uncomfortable, but actually it’s more like he’s just that thoughtless about it that it just is never a genuine desire of his to do anything outside-the-box in the moment. Anything kinky he does is purely a button I have to specifically request in the moment! Nothing gets learned or changes in the longterm; no requested kinks of mine ever get adopted by him such that he initiates them independently. (unless you count him requesting anal but I still think it’s weird that he treats it as a pure sensation thing rather than bringing anything mentally kinky into it and that he seems totally okay also with dropping anal forever if I just said no)

If you look at his Internet activity — and I don’t need to check his history; he leaves tabs open and his YouTube algorithm is clear — it’s got a ton of content of hot girls, and I guess that is all he needs to excite him. Further on that point, he never sexts or dirtytalks me during the day to try to warm me up for sex. What he DOES do is occasionally send me a picture of a hot girl, as if that’s going to turn me on like it apparently turns him on. I don’t even get jealous; I just get annoyed at this point that he isn’t more of a mentally kinky guy so that we could have mutual fun in that way. It would do wonders if he teased me at all even with something simple like “you’re going to get it later today”.

Any advice based on what I’ve written? I don’t want to divorce or do anything crazy. I just want to know if there’s some way for me to be happy/satisfied or try to meet him halfway to enjoy things more in the simple way that he enjoys things, or something.

TL;DR I love my husband, but I don’t crave sex with him because he seems to be disinterested in the mental aspect of sex, which I am extremely interested in and my (maybe not great enough) attempts at initiating mental stuff has led to just disappointment at his seeming lack of interest in anything but the literal physical and visual sensation of sex.