Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year and 2 months now. I’ve been having trouble with trusting my boyfriend since early in our relationship. 3 months in, I found messages on his phone from 4 days before our relationship began (we were seeing each other 2 months at that point) saying some really dirty sexual things to this girl. Sexual things including fantasies he never discussed with me. I chose to forgive him, since it wasn’t in the relationship, it was just before. However, during the time we were dating, he told me we were exclusive and promised that he couldn’t imagine ever having sex with anyone else, and even said I love you.
Our sex life is dull. It’s one position, lasts 1 minute, and done. We barely have sex, because he just isn’t that interested.
He’s gone away for work at the moment, he left a week ago. When I was in his apartment yesterday, I lifted some weights that were on the ground for a little work out, and there was a blonde hair attached to it. It’s not mine, I have black hair. He doesn’t have any friends with blonde hair, and hasn’t had anyone over that I know with blonde hair.
This caused me to get snoopy. I went into a box above the closet, which is the area where the hair had fallen below. Inside, I found a pouch with a pleasure brand on the outside. Inside, I found some wrinkled black silk hand restraints. I have never seen them, and he has never mentioned trying something like this with me. I’m pretty sure I looked in that box before… and didn’t see them. Although I’d like to emphasize that I’m not sure if they were there before – maybe I overlooked them previously.
I think I’m going to break up with him. I think maybe he’s cheating on me. What’s your advice?
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It isn’t working out in any case, and the sex is bad. It sounds like he has a kinky side and can’t perform without it. If that’s the excuse you need to leave a bad relationship, move on sooner rather than later.
Why exactly are you with someone that sucks? Do you have that little self esteem?
If you’re already in a position where you feel ready to break up with him, I’m not here to tell you otherwise. Different people have different standards for what’s necessary for them to trust their partner. If you have a history of having difficulty trusting your partner based on his unexplained (or inconsistent) behaviors, and this one just happens to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, you’re free to bounce.
Generally speaking, though, my advice for “my partner says/does something that leaves me feeling confused and concerned” is typically this: “talk to your goddamn partner about it.”
If his texts don’t line up with what he’s told you about not being attracted to anyone else, tell him so.
If your sex isn’t satisfying, tell him so, and offer to work with him on improving it.
If you happen upon a blonde hair, and you don’t know what it’s doing in his room, ask him.
If you’re snooping through his personal shit and happen across sexual items… well, you can tell him you violated his personal privacy and you want an explanation for something he’d understandably want to keep private even if he’s not cheating on you… but he may not exactly be forthcoming with the truth. Ideally, the best time to have had an honest talk with him about your feelings was before you snooped.
But again, that’s all overall best practices on how to maturely cope with feelings of insecurity and distrust. If your trust in him has run out, you’re free to bail, but you could theoretically still talk to him, if you feel like there’s a chance that reassurance and context from him could help you feel prepared to trust him again.
Why do people even consider staying with someone they don’t trust? I didn’t see children mentioned, so I’m assuming you two don’t have any together. This sounds like a clean break situation.
“3 months in, I found messages on his phone from 4 days before our relationship began (we were seeing each other 2 months at that point) saying some really dirty sexual things to this girl.” He showed right then he is untrustworthy. Please start believing you deserve more. Leave him, go through the dopamine withdrawal, scream/cry, do internal work, get into new hobbies and reconnect with old ones, and stay gone from this loser. I did it two months ago. Similar deal. He showed me a couple months in he was untrustworthy and my trauma, coupled with his gaslighting, had me staying. Life is getting so much better now. You deserve more. You do not need that definite proof or a huge dramatic moment to leave someone. All you need is knowing you deserve more from a partner. He sucks. I can tell he sucks just from that first sentence
Dump his arse before you get pregnant x
Get tested and move on.
Never stick around after you are thinking of breaking up. Just do it. The bad sex is enough to leave imo. The cheating possibilities don’t matter. It just seems like you want a reason, but the best reason is that you just aren’t that into him. It doesn’t make you a bad person to leave
If the stuff you found was the only issue I’d suggest having a serious talk to see what he says. There might be an acceptable answer.
But the sex is bad, he doesn’t seem interested in fixing it, and it’s time to start living your dream.
Break up with him. The sex is bad and he’s almost certainly cheating.
You don’t trust him and the sex is bad. Break up
You haven’t trusted him since the beginning… that is reason enough for a breakup. Just because it happened before the relationship officially began, doesnt make it any less crappy, especially since he was lying to you (saying he couldnt imagine sex with anyone else, etc).
I would dump him for the following reasons:
It doesn’t matter if he’s cheating on you or not.
You trust him so little that you are looking for reasons to break up with him.
So just break up with him. Don’t be so unsure of yourself that you need anonymous online strangers to tell you it’s okay.
Men like this will never change. They show they aren’t serious in the beginning and most women forgive them only to have gotten married and or had a child by the time they catch them again. He won’t change. Such a waste..
He is definitely doing something with some one else i usually don’t say this without both sides but the signs are there also you should leave him not because you suspect him of cheating but because the sex life is boring to you no offense sex is in the top three things that are not negotiable if you don’t enjoy the sex it will make you eventually cheat do you and him a favor and ended it now give him his key back once he gets back and don’t even confront the items you found good luck