My husband and I have been married for a year. I saw a girls name show up on one of his devices. I asked him who was the girl and he got very defensive. Because he was defensive, it made me curious. One day he went to shower, left his phone open and I saw the same girl in his text messages. The girl showed him photos of herself at work event. He proceeds to heart the pictures telling her thank you because everyone was posting photos of everyone but who he wanted to see. Then he proceeds to ask her if she’s single or dating because there’s no way no one else on the job isn’t seeing what he’s seeing. We had a big argument because before I had promised not to look at his devices again. So the argument was about me looking through his devices and he was about to leave me because I went through his phone. He was more upset about that and less remorseful about his behavior. He called me crazy and insecure. He said to me “you have the house ring and baby and you’re still not satisfied.” He ended up apologizing afterwards. He also put Face ID on all his social apps and his text messages.
Back story: a year ago before I found out I was pregnant, he was flirting with another female coworker. He was in the shower and unsaved number called him. He looked very nervous about it. So when I went to the shower, I left my phone recording. When I listened to the recording I heard him talking to the girl saying “if you wanted to see me you couldve, but you wanted to be acting funny” I asked him who he was talking to and he said no one and I said I have a recording of you. That’s when he told me. I wanted to leave him so bad that night but we ended up staying together and then I got pregnant. Then we got married.
I have a huge amount of trust issues with men. I’ve been cheated on in the past in the most hurtful ways and he knows that. Cheating is a deal breaker for me because I can’t handle it. It doesn’t matter how small. I’m planning on doing therapy but he doesn’t feel he needs it.
Another time I found a girl sending him half naked photos on Snapchat.
He’s also lied about a few other things with girls before me but it’s not a big deal. Just wish he wouldn’t lie because it really hurts the trust.
I’m having a hard time dealing with this because from experience I know once you continue to forgive and stay, they will likely do the same or even worse. It’s making my anxiety go sky high. I can’t relax. I’m trying my hardest to cope. It hurts me even more because we’re married with our young baby and I just feel so hurt and disrespected. If I knew this is how things would be, I would’ve probably never got married to save myself the heartache.
Otherwise, he works hard to take care of his family and so do I. He is a good dad. We both have successful careers.
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Well, I think at this point you need to accept he’s going to keep doing this exact thing and more or you need to get a divorce. He’s a cheater and he’s not going to stop.
It’s impacting your mental health. You need to take care of you.
If he was your boyfriend and you had no kids I would say break up with him. You don’t want a husband who treats you like that. Unfortunately you already have a husband who does. I don’t know if he physically cheats but he definitely tries. He’s not faithful. You have to decide if it’s worth staying with him.
What he was doing is often referred to as DARVO and it’s a common manipulation tactic.
Deny or minimize the bad behavior
Attack your character or behavior
Reverse victim and offender, flips the situation to make himself the victim -you become the one overstepping by looking at his phone
He sees no reason to change his behavior because each time he’s looked for attention elsewhere you stayed. He will continue as long as you stay with no consequences.
The only option(consequences) I see are therapy both individually and couples or divorce. If you want to do the therapy make that a requirement of you staying. He needs to figure out why he needs the attention and you need to understand why you put up with it.
My girlfriend has access to my phone , I dont care , the reason I don’t care is because I have nothing to hide
He is absolutely crossing the line
Its my responsibility in a relationship to make sure an action I take wont raise another woman’s ego at the expense of my partners , assuming she observed said action .. he failed this perspective
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not ‘insecure’. You’re reacting to his shady behavior. A good partner wouldn’t dismiss your feelings or hide things. You’re right that forgiving without change enables more betrayal. Think hard: Is this the marriage you want for yourself and your child?
He keeps proving to you that he’s on the prowl and he literally proclaimed that he has nested you in as the safety net (the ring, house and baby) so even more proof that he justifies his betrayals.
Hun, I hope you find the resources and strength to leave him. An “in love” married man doesn’t do what he continues to do to you.
Recording his phone conversations and going through his phone is really bad. I think you do need to work on your attachment, because this is quite controlling behaviour.
My friend is going through this with a man at the moment, and he is basically doing what you are doing to her and making her feel like she has no privacy. I think he is abusive. You’ll always find flirting if you are looking for it (and he is).
But in terms of what you found, if that is a boundary for you, it’s up to you to break things off. Boundaries are something you enforce for yourself.
This isn’t flirting this is fishing/cheating.
He’s lying to you and gaslighting you. Tell him that. Stand up for yourself, leave or keep living your life with a cheater who has zero respect for you.
Never apologise for going through his devices when he’s acting untrustworthy. TELL HIM he’s untrustworthy and you want an open phone policy until you can trust him. Tell him he has to earn your trust. Tell him he is disrespecting you and your little family. Seriously stand up for yourself!
Tell him when you cheat with a coworker you have to leave your job. That is the bare minimum in these situations. Don’t let him downplay his cheating. Ask him if that is the new boundary in your marriage… meaning can you message other men the way he messages other women?
He’s not a good father if he’s cheating on the mother of his child. Tell him that.
Your husband is unfaithful. I’d leave.
These are keywords I’m going to teach you .
Yeah, I looked through your phone because I have every right to because of our past history, and you have already caused me not to trust you.
You keep deflecting and bringing up the fact that I looked through your phone.. here’s mine. I have 0 secrets, I have nothing to hide. So what’s your next excuse?
You’re causing an argument because you got caught. You can call me whatever you want. It doesn’t change the fact that you are flirting with women online? Is this for your ego?
Do you know why I act like this? Because yes I have the ring, yes I have your baby. I also want the respect, The same respect I give to you which is not flirting with other men.
You’re disrespecting our son/daughter. And our marriage.
You think this is crazy? No crazy is you trying to hide things from me and trying to gaslight me.
You even try to make your own lies believable.
You putting all those locks and everything just makes you look guilty.
Leave
Come on, girl, this guy has flown every red flag he can and you still married him!
RUN!
He will never be faithful and will continue to hurt you! You deserve so much more than this questionable half- marriage!