Since the point where my husband and I combined finances, bills have been my job to manage. We have been married 3 years, together for 8. We both make salaries, but my job is to make sure all the bills are paid and we still have money, and where that money goes.
It’s to the point where we will be out, and my husband will look at me and ask which card he should use when purchasing something. He doesn’t know what has a balance and what doesn’t. He doesn’t know where his money is. He doesn’t know really anything about where his money goes. Not because I don’t share, everything is in spreadsheets and notes he has access to, he has ownership on all accounts, mobile access to all the accounts, etc. He just doesn’t check, because he doesn’t need to.
For a while, he had a few bills to manage, but they would go months late. He would forget. Months later I’d follow up, see where those bills were at, to find out they were massively past due. At that point, I took over all of it. I have systems in place, they work for me, and it takes several hours out of my week to manage, but it gets done. I’d say managing our finances takes up half my head space. I’m always thinking about it, especially considering we’re 2 under 2 right now and live somewhat paycheck to paycheck while both on paternity/maternity leave, so money is tight. I’ve had this leave planned out for months financially, considering we’re both on pay cuts in order to be out.
The problem is, because my husband has this soft life in terms of our finances because everything is handled for him, he also doesn’t really get the weight that a wrench in the plan has. For example, he might find out about an unforeseen larger expense a week ago, but he’ll tell me about it the day it needs to be paid. If I pitch a fit, his response is something like “chill. I’ve had a lot on my plate with ______ (insert whatever life shit we’re dealing with at the time)”. He really doesn’t understand why it’s so frustrating for me to have to re-assess our finances when new information is presented, partially because he didn’t do any of the work to manage them in the first place.
I want to change the system. I know I get resentful that this falls entirely on me. When he asks me which card to use, every bone in my body wants to be like “I have no information that you don’t have access to. Why aren’t you just as informed as me as to where money is??” I’ve asked similar questions before and his response is usually along the lines of “well why would I if you know the answer already and can tell me?”. I want the work to be more split, but I have no idea how to do this without having anxiety that we’ll end up late on all our bills and get things cut off or shut off. What do I do?
TLDR: I solely manage our finances as a couple and would like to figure out how to somewhat evenly distribute that responsibility so it doesn’t burn me out. How do I go about doing that?
Comments
Go to a joint session with a financial advisor
You say you take hours out of your week to manage this. He should have to sit with you while you manage it to learn what is going on. It’s time for him to grow up. Maybe he needs to take a remedial class in budgeting. Sorry to be so condescending but good Lord he’s got almost 10 years on you and you’re his finance mommy? He has to ask you how much he can spend? Not because you’re restricting his spending, but because he doesn’t know shit about his own finances.
I don’t know how you force him to do that, other than telling him this is like a second job for you on top of everything else you do. That it is not fair for you to shoulder the burden by yourself. He should care enough about you too at least be willing to get educated on your finances. Time for him to learn financial good sense.
I’m serious about the budgeting class. It’s not fun, but if he would put some effort into getting educated about personal finances, he would feel more in control. It would be a relief.
My husband and I sit down and have a biweekly finance review meeting. We review all bank accounts, bills, credit cards (every single charge), and upcoming financial obligations. If anything special comes up in that 2 weeks that needs to be discussed, one of us notes it on the Google calendar appointment under notes.
Beyond that, he needs to set reminders to himself and learn how to manage money. You’re not his mother. What would he do if something happened to you? We have these devices in our hands at all times that can help remind us of things that need to be done. My husband and I have a joint calendar and every single bill is on there by due date with a reminder 2 days before to check that it’s either been paid or is on auto pay.
Is you husband able to do the finances? In my relationship, we divide effort based on our strengths. My partner is great with managing money and finances. Me, not so much. So she does the bookkeeping as one of her tasks. I am involved in the finances by discussion, of course. We go over them as part of our weekly meeting, and obviously I contribute my salary to the effort. I, on the other hand do all of the cooking, kid’s activities, yard labor, auto maintenance, and wet work (bodily fluids from humans and pets, garbage removal, etc). The idea is that if I am not capable of taking some specific mental load off of her plate, I can take some other task away that also consumes mental effort.
I guess what I am saying is that if he can’t manage money, he should be offsetting that mental load someplace else. If he can’t do it, maybe you should hire an advisor.
You could move all your bills to be taken out of one acct and card and that that card away from him so he doesn’t use it give him a card to an account with a set amount for his expenses during the week like gas and lunch and that’s all he gets. If he says something needs to be paid last minute he can use his money or he has to wait until the next check. Any left over money goes into the savings/emergency/fun fund
There’s a few things that stand out to me here:
Dealing with household finances is a ton of emotional labor. Finances are one of the leading stressors that people face and also one of the leading causes of separation/divorce. I can imagine that it’s a lot of stress working with a constrained budget and having a husband who provides no support (other than earning money). Especially combined with the other stressors of having young children. Is the desire for your husband to actually help out with paying the bills or is it also for him to take on some of the emotional weight and provide some support with the planning process?
I would ask what your husband is doing to offset the additional responsibility you’re taking on with the finances. Living in a world with zero mental financial burden is a luxury and I would hope he is contributing in another way that you aren’t. I also wonder about potential ADHD diagnoses, etc. Those conditions can make it extremely hard to do long-term planning and handle reoccurring tasks.
I also have to say, multiple hours a week spent on handling your money sounds like a lot of time. Are there ways that you can simplify your system or automate things so that you don’t need to spend quite so much effort on it?
At the end of the day it’s a conversation that you need to have with him. Your POV makes total sense and I think a good husband would totally understand. It’s a very reasonable expectation that your partner has some sense of where the finances are at. I would recommend talking with him and finding solutions that feel good to both of you and, very importantly, are reasonable and actually going to get done. Good luck!
Is your marriage balanced otherwise? Who does the child care of how is that split? who does the domestic duties like cleaning, making meals, organizing schedules?
I take on the mental load of finances, which helps a lot to even the balance between me and my wife, as she carries the mental load for a lot of other aspects of our lives. It sounds like you are well suited for the financial side and he is not, but that means he needs to carry his weight elsewhere or you will feel resentment. Is it possible the issue isn’t the financial side, but the imbalance in the whole thing?
What if you were to sit down with him once a month and go over everything with him? I get really busy with stuff to the point where I don’t check up on things regularly? Also, maybe he doesn’t know how to read a spreadsheet. Who knows?
And what about setting up automatic payments for bills?
Why are your bills not on autopay?