My (29F) boyfriend (32M) and I have been together for 7 months. It’s going well, but I am struggling with the fact that he is not very conversationally attentive, and often will not realise that I’ve asked him about 10 questions when he’s not returned a single one. I don’t ask questions to get them in return obviously, but after a while it does annoy me, as regardless of his intention what it does communicate is that he’s just not curious about me/my life/my feelings.
The thing is, he just is like this with everyone. He is a good vibe socially, in that he is engaged and shows that engagement, but it just doesn’t take the form of really initiating or further deepening conversation. I know it’s not me specifically that he’s like this with, but even so, I kind of feel like it’s not fair on me. I have communicated previously that I really value talking and feeling connected that way, and that physical closeness feels weird for me when I don’t have that emotional/intellectual communication happening also. But even beyond our dynamic specifically, I am struggling going out with friends and noticing that he’s not returned any questions – I honestly do find it kind of embarrassing…
There are so many good qualities about him and I do not want to further exacerbate any insecurities, but I am really struggling to handle this trait of his ATM… is this fair?
TL;DR I want my boyfriend to show more interest in me and others by being more active in conversations. Is this a fair thing to ask?
Edited for typos.
Comments
>The thing is, he just is like this with everyone.
Dear Reddit, My boyfriend is short. I wish he would be tall. He’s short like all the time, but I just don’t understand why he can’t grow 1 foot when he’s around me.
Your boyfriend is who he is. Obviously, when it comes to personality things… yeah, there’s some wiggle room there. A LITTLE wiggle room. Curiosity is a hard thing to learn. And people can grow and change. But there needs to be a reason behind it other than “my girlfriend would prefer that I were a different person.”
You’re likely asking too much. Your boyfriend is not a project. We all change a bit when in relationships, but you’re asking for a rather radical personality shift.
If this is important to you, you’re going to need to find a different boyfriend. And that sounds flip, but I’m being serious. You deserve to be in a happy, fulfilling relationship with a partner that matches up with you on the important things. Just make sure that this is TRULY in dealbreaker territory. Everybody’s got flaws. Perfect is the enemy of good etc etc.
Unfortunately, it’s hard to change people. You could encourage him to ask you more questions in return–perhaps he doesn’t even notice that he’s like this–but mostly you have to accept people as they are. I would say you’re not right together. You need a guy who’s more confident in a conversation.