I (29M) got into an argument with my father (65M) in front of my family. For context, my father is strict and authoritative. He also raised me and my siblings as the only one with a job while my mom stayed at home. However, his strict nature has always caused a strain in our relationship.
In this incident, he got angry at me because there was a misunderstanding about a piano keyboard that I sent to be repaired. During this conversation, he asked me questions, but I was having a hard time fully grasping some of the questions he asked. Long story short, he called me disrespectful. Mind you, earlier that day he had issues with my sister about her car, so the house was already tense as is. His anger was starting to make me angry because I didn’t yell or say anything rude to him. However, when he kept complaining about me, I instantly shouted at him “WHAT DID I DO!?” It is not often I talk back to him like this. I usually keep my mouth shut even when he reprimands me, but ever since he retired, it’s been happening more often. I told him that I wasn’t scared of him and a whole lot of things. He said to me that the doctor told him, before I was born, that I wouldn’t be good or smart and that I’m showing proof of that now. There have always been arguments between my father and someone at our house, but this was one of the biggest arguments I had with him.
The next day, my mom asked me to apologize. I was furious, but I spitefully did so just to keep my mom and siblings at ease. He didnt accept and said that we were “done.” Later that day I was given two choices: move out or kneel down and apologize.
I grudgingly still live with my dad because I have a young brother (10M). I want to be in his life where we can continue to play together and he can have his sibling be there with him. Without my sister and I, it’d be like he’s an only child and he doesn’t have friends, go out to people’s houses, no trips, no extended family (we are a very private family). I want him to have someone he can to talk to as he gets older. I do plan to move once he gets to high school and his childhood is filled with memories of his siblings. I would LOVE to move out and make decisions without my father’s opinions (he has strongly encouraged that we still live with him and help out). Sometimes I feel trapped. If I move out, because of the argument, there is a 95% that I wont see my little brother much because my dad will not allow it.
On the other hand, I feel like kneeling is degrading, but I was disrespectful when I had my argument with him, considering that he raised us. He has asked me to kneel and apologize to him once before, a few years ago (I did). He did the same to my sister and mother. I wish to move, but I dont want to leave my brother behind like that and I dont want to leave on a sour note. My mother has said that I should kneel and that could buy me time to move out on a lighter note. How do you assess this situation? What type of relationship is this?
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You leave and take your siblings with you. You mother has not protected you from your abusive father.
Move out. Report him to child protective services for how he treats your brother.
Kneeling will only encourage your brother to become your father.
Your family is “private” to prevent anyone seeing into the abuse that has a 29 year old man staying in the abuse to try to salvage his younger siblings. It is waaaaay past time to get out and call CPS on your abusive parents. Not all abuse is physical – your father has terrorized you all into submission. DO NOT KNEEL TO THIS HORRIBLE MAN.