Hey Reddit,
I could really use some honest advice. This has been eating away at me for a while.
I (29M) met my girlfriend (29F) through a dating app in 2023. At first, things were nice, we dated for a few weeks, got along well, and naturally fell into a relationship. But after about a month or so, I started to feel like it just wasn’t the right fit. There wasn’t any major red flag, but deep down, I didn’t see it lasting long term.
Just when I was about to end things, she went through a really tough time at work. She was on the verge of losing her job and was clearly stressed and vulnerable. I didn’t have the heart to break up with her during such a rough patch, it felt cold and cruel to walk away when she probably needed stability more than ever. So I told her things weren’t looking great between us, but I ended up staying anyway. I figured I’d wait until things settled down.
Well, they eventually did, she got a new job and was doing better professionally. I thought about breaking up then, and I actually did. But not long after, we got back together. I think loneliness played a big part, on both ends. And now I feel even more stuck than before.
The truth is, this isn’t the relationship I want to be in long term. As much as I respect and care about her, I don’t feel the emotional connection or compatibility I know I need. But she’s such a soft, gentle person. She never yells, never argues, never creates conflict. She’s kind, thoughtful, and genuinely believes I’m “the best she’s got.” Meanwhile, I’m just… a nice guy who’s too afraid to hurt someone.
I’ve never broken up with anyone before, so I don’t know how to do this without feeling like the worst person ever. I overthink everything. Part of me keeps trying to convince myself to just go with it, and sometimes I almost believe I can. But deep down, I always return to the same 50/50 confusion, leaning more toward leaving, but never doing it.
To make things harder, I’ve noticed she’s started to build hope again, that maybe we really do have something that can last. And the longer it goes on, the more it feels wrong to let her believe that. But also, the longer it goes on, the more guilty I feel about ending it.
How do I break up with someone who’s done nothing bad? Someone who’s genuinely kind and only wants to love me? I can’t tell if I’m being overly empathetic, a coward, or just delaying the inevitable. Maybe all three.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you navigate it?
Thanks for reading.
Comments
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You don’t always break up because someone does something bad. Feeling it’s not going to work long term is valid. Just break it off now and fully go no contact so you can’t fall into the same trap again…
You’re not stuck. You’re just scared to hurt someone. But staying out of guilt isn’t kindness, it’s delaying her from finding someone who does want her fully. You don’t need a “bad reason” to leave. “This isn’t right for me” is enough. Rip the band aid off kindly, but firmly. She deserves that honesty.
Staying in a relationship out of guilt isn’t love it’s fear. You both deserve more than half-hearted commitment.
The kindest thing you can do is set her free, even if it hurts. Love shouldn’t feel like an obligation
As much as it may be difficult and uncomfortable, it is also true as you said yourself that it is wrong to lead her on if you really don’t see it working out. And, as you also said, the longer you wait to end things, the more emotional investment there is, so the more difficult it will be to do.
It’s not fair to anyone to stay in a relationship just because you feel like you have to. You should /want/ to be in a relationship with this person, not /have/ to be. If you don’t want to be, there is someone else out there who would, and it’s better for her to find that person than to end up in a long-term relationship that lacks the genuine affection and connection you both deserve.
Nice guy? For not being forthcoming and honest about your feelings and wasting her time? Late 20s are prime time for women, do you know that?
This was a little harsh. I know you don’t want to hurt her but she’ll get hurt no matter how you approach it. When you say “something is off”, is it possible to be more specific, like smell, looks, intelligence and others. You may want a different type of a woman. Lack of emotional connection is definitely a valid reason to break up with a partner, especially after you’ve been together for a few years. I’d be clear in mind as to why it makes sense for you to break up with her.
You need to be honest. You’re wasting her time. By thinking you’re doing something good for her, you’re actually hurting her.
Go watch the episode of Brooklyn 99 where Terry runs into an ex from the past who HATES him because he dragged out breaking up with her, because she was having a hard time, and he didn’t want to hurt her. All the women are in agreement that he’s awful for doing that.
I feel you’re in a tough spot. Is it fair to keep her hoping for more, when you know you’d be happier apart? But hey, at least you’ve got clarity, that’s something!
You’re not doing her any favours by staying with her. She deserves to be with someone who is excited to be in a relationship with her.
my ex stayed with me for seven years knowing we were incompatible from the start. i knew it too – we just got together young and it became harder and harder to part ways. take it from me – you’re not doing her ANY favours by staying with her, you’re delaying HER happiness and her ability to find someone who never makes her feel not enough. you’re probably not a bad guy and you clearly care for her, but let her go now so she can find better. admitting you feel stuck and doing nothing about it is just insanity. let her go.
>How do I break up with someone who’s done nothing bad?
A person doesn’t have to have done anything “bad” in order for their relationship to end. You know you don’t want to be in this relationship – so don’t be.
>I’ve never broken up with anyone before, so I don’t know how to do this without feeling like the worst person ever. I overthink everything.
You did, though! You broke up with this exact person!!
Why are you the “worst person ever” for ending a relationship you know you don’t want to be in? What are your other options? Staying together and getting married because you don’t want to hurt her feelings?