Me (29m) and my partner (30f) have been together a year and been living together the past few months. We have already talked about building a life together, eventually getting married and possibly having kids. She is a fantastic, mature, caring, and considerate partner.
However, I have been struggling intensely lately. This is my first serious relationship, so I feel I’ve had a lot to learn too. But despite my love for her and the happiness she brings me, I have been falling into a deep depression lately and my mental health has been declining steeply. I am in the process of quitting my job due to burnout and I am seeking professional help, but I’ve just received an inattentive ADHD diagnosis and have also been advised to investigate autism (to my surprise).
My career was successful but I couldn’t cope with it. I got great results but had to expend a significant amount of energy to get them, doing many hours of overtime. Somedays it took me 8 hours just to write a simple email, whilst other days I was hyperfocused I could complete a weeks worth of work. But as the depression grew and burnout set in, it got to the point where there were no longer any periods of hyperfocus. I also realized I had no passion for my job and I made the decision to quit. Now I am just trying to survive until my notice period ends.
I told my partner that I think I need to take a long mental health break and just focus entirely on my mental and physical health for however long it takes, then look for a new career. I know I have a lot of work to do though and a lot to learn about myself. Aside from my depression and anxiety, I also have never had an exercise routine and have always just ate one large meal per day (some days I skip food entirely because I’d rather be hungry than risk losing my hyperfocus by the context switch, and other days I feel too guilty from my lack of focus to eat without getting sick).
My partner supports me taking this break to focus on myself, regardless of how long it takes, and has said she will cover bills and support me for as long as I need until I can get back to contributing evenly again. I am amazed that she is supportive, but I’ve come to realize that I can’t really accept that. For one, it isn’t fair and she deserves better than that. But I also don’t believe I can truly focus on myself while relying on her for such support. I would feel a pressure to pull myself together as quickly as possible so I can feel like I am pulling my own weight. This pressure would be completely self-imposed, but I know it’s inevitable. I already feel this way and we are still splitting bills.
So, I’ve come to the conclusion that it would be better for us to split up. I would rather be alone while I focus on my mental health and not feel like a burden to anyone else. I think I would rather move back home with my family for now, who will give me the space I need and just let me focus on myself. I know that I will miss her if I make this decision, but I really feel it’s necessary. It has gotten to the stage where I just don’t want to be awake anymore and I only feel it getting worse. I’ve also completely lost interest in physical and sexual intimacy. I just can’t derive pleasure from it anymore.
So my question is, how do I best communicate this to my partner? How do I tell someone who would support me no matter what that I think it’s best for us both that I be alone? I know there is no way to do this without hurting her, but I at least want to do the best I can to minimize that pain. I don’t intend to have another relationship (perhaps ever) but I want her to be able to move on and find a stable person who can meet all her needs. I think she doesn’t realize what she’s sacrificing by choosing to take the risk of being with me despite my issues, and I know she wants to get married some day but I couldn’t make such a commitment in good conscience unless my mental health issues were fully resolved first.
TL;DR:
I (29m) love my amazing partner (30f), but my mental health has been rapidly declining. I’ve learned that I have ADHD and am investigating autism too. I had a high-paying job that I was performing well in, but I am now quitting due to extreme burnout. My depression has gotten so bad that I don’t want to be awake anymore. My partner wants to take on the full supporting role while I focus entirely on my mental health, with no pressure to find another job. But I think I need to be alone for this journey. I can’t even meet my basic responsibilities to myself and I will inevitably feel pressured to rush on my journey, due to no fault of her own. I want to end the relationship and move back with my family to recover and prioritize professional help. How do I communicate this need to my partner in a way that is most empathetic and minimizes the pain I will inflict?