I just finished writing a long text. But I just deleted it after I read it. I wrote down our whole story (basically our whole 20s). But it makes no sense to me to share all that.
I just feel devastated right now and don’t know how to go on.
Basically my life fell apart and the whole future I imagined just vanished.
Long story short: she told me she fell in love with a colleague and I feared it early on and even talked to her about that. She told me she really loves me but has no sexual desire for me but him and that she fears to lose me but doesn’t know what her feelings mean for us. She doesn’t know if she already passed the point of no return and is scared that it is impossible to get back to “normal”.
Now she left to get some distance and to meet a friend couple of us to talk to them and to clear her mind.
I feel when she comes back on Sunday it’s over.
What really occupies my mind right now is that I still really love her and wish to try to find out if we can rebuild everything together. And it really hurts to love the person that just broke your heart and that the one person I trusted the most betrayed me.
If anyone of you went through something similar: how did you go on from that? No matter if you came back together or separated
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Good luck brother. At least you’re not in your late 30s and it happens like me aah
Its going to hurt so you need to get a therapist whilst you recover. It is basically over. When she said she had no sexual desires for you but she does for the other guy that should be the straw that broke the camels back. She is two timing you, make no mistake you should not try to rebuild what you think you had with her. She’s been cheating for who knows how long. You have to let her go, end it even if you love her you can’t trust her. Dump her.
>And it really hurts to love the person that just broke your heart and that the one person I trusted the most betrayed me. […] If anyone of you went through something similar: how did you go on from that? No matter if you came back together or separated
Obviously, people are just built different.
The second a person betrays me, the second a person shows me who they really are in that way. I lose all attraction and love. It doesn’t matter how long our history is. I don’t have to do anything. It’s like that.
That person is not who I loved but a “stranger”.
Seriously man, you don’t want a partner who has no sexual desire for you. And in the same time, is sexually attracted by another man. Just cut your losses. Even if she thinks she can get back to “normal”.
It’s not the woman you should invest your love, time and resources in. It’s gonna be hard for some time. But do yourself this favor.
Sorry my man, relationships can come to an end. Trying to be positive here, she was honest with you about her feelings and didn’t go about being unfaithful behind your back, although I know from experience how much this hurts and how much you can’t comprehend life without her.
Spend this time being kind to yourself. Go out and use the time that you’d usually spend on your relationship on other sources of fulfilling activities – hobbies, hanging with friends, keeping fit, counselling – whatever.
I personally can’t see how you can go on knowing she has no sexual feelings for you – yet she does for another guy; that’s too much.
It’s super early days, but remember, there’s nothing more attractive than getting your head together and constructively moving on.
You definitely have this 🤜🏼
I too had a devasting breakup at the age of 29 with a person that I thought was “the one”. Frankly, with the way that you talk………it wouldn’t surprise me if you did the same thing that I did. Wbtw, was to make the relationship an idol and put her on a pedestal. You need to really embrace the fact that she doesn’t feel the same way about you, as you have towards her………and she maybe never felt that way.
Any “love” that she can offer you will an element of monkey-branching or cheating. Do you really want to be with a woman like that?
Ultimately the problem is that you don’t respect yourself as an individual. You made your identity tied up into the relationship with her.
For me, I tried many things to “heal” that people typically suggest. Hanging out with friends/family, traveling, hobbies, intimacy with other people, etc………..none of it helped. I was just reminded that she wasn’t with me in whatever it was that I tried to do.
It wasn’t until I knew that I was at the bottom of the barrel that I resorted into being serious about finding out if God existed….and asking him for help. Over a period of time of seeking him, I had a Jeremiah 29:13 experience. My life has never been the same, even from the moment that I got up off my knees in prayer on that beach shore after spening the early morning in praying. I remember what he told me. I won’t say bc that’s private though.
“She told me she really loves me but has no sexual desire for me but him and that she fears to lose me but doesn’t know what her feelings mean for us.”
You know what this translates to?
She loves the security that you provide her (a roof over her head). But she doesn’t love you on a personal level.
She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
Cut your losses early, op. Tell her that the relationship is over, and that when she comes back it’s to collect her things.
And just be glad that you didn’t further complicate matters with marriage and children.
It’s over. You don’t want to be with someone that literally tells you they have no attraction to you anymore but do to someone else. She does t want to leave the convenience of your relationship because that’s what it is. She’d have to completely restart her life with someone new instead of having an easier, already established life with you. She told you she doesn’t want you sexually anymore. Where do you think she’s going to get it if you stay.
She told you this hoping you would dump her. She was trying to give you the out. Now she went away to give you time to realize it. You don’t really want to be with someone that doesn’t want you. She also admitted cheating on you already, at least emotionally. Not sure how she loves this guy sexually without sleeping with him already.
Make the choice for her and move out while she’s gone. That’s what she really wants.
It’s over bro. Come to terms with it and get any chance of staying with her out of your mind right now
Man… been there. Hurts like hell. First thing: stop waiting for her to “decide.” That’s the trap, you giving her all the power while she’s already checked out. Sunday isn’t about her choice, it’s about yours.
She already told you where her head (and libido) is at. You don’t rebuild alone, and she’s not showing you she even wants to. Rip it, grieve hard, lean on friends, and start cutting ties. It feels impossible now but staying in limbo is worse.
You’ll get through. One brutal day at a time.
This happened to me at 23, we had JUST got married and been together since 17.
But she actually cheated with the colleague and gas lit me the whole divorce that nothing happened.
If it’s your first love and you’re like me you’re probably being incredibly naive in what this person means to you.
I’m due to marry again to the most incredible woman who on paper trumps my ex in every way I could imagine then and even in ways I could not imagine now.
At your age when you got together life was so different, you probably had no money, no house, no freedom and your relationship probably put all kinds of restrictions on how you build a future.
Well now you can totally unlock that and rebuild for a life that you want. Be very specific about what you want, who you want and why you want it and don’t settle on any non negotiables.
I know it sucks now man, just be thankful you aren’t married and don’t have kids. I was so grateful for the latter, it means a clean break and after some time processing and reflecting on yourself I hope just like me in the end that life did this for a very very good reason.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. She blindsided you with this, but she has been working on her new relationship behind your back. Unfortunately there’s not a thing you can do to win her back. She’s only keeping the door open in case her new boyfriend doesn’t work out. It hurts, but the best thing to do take out the trash and send her things to her parents or her new boyfriend. Let her come back to an empty space on Sunday. Remove her from any shared commitments like bank accounts, credit cards, or phone plans before she gives your money to the new boyfriend. When things don’t work out with Prince Charming, don’t take her back. Please trust me on this, she’s poisoned the well and you will never look at her the same way.
At this point you’re a place holder until she finds better. You’re her security blanket, her back up plan.
You guys have been together since you were very young. People mature and grow and often change and the relationship often doesn’t survive that. I got married at 21 like a dumb ass. People really should avoid serious relationships at such a young age and take the time to get to know themselves first, figure out what their values and goals are in life. I sure wish I had done that. We’re not in the 50s anymore where women got married young to be a stay at home wife and mother while the guy brought hoem the bacon.
Women especially need to focus on getting some sort of career so they can be self sufficient. A lot of times it is hard for most people to really develop a sense of self if they’re I a relationship really young, especially women. Too much influence from the partner so that they dont really know who they truly are.
I’ve been there and done that and I know many people who’ve done the same. People really should have more life experience before getting into long term serious relationships.
There is never a point of no return. You’re both still young. 8 years is nothing in the grade scheme of things. Don’t stay together just because you’ve put 8 years in the relationship. It isn’t time wasted. You both grew and gained life and relationship experience. You’ve outgrown each other it seems like. Nothing wrong with that.
She’s testing the waters while hanging on to you for safety and comfort. That’s not fair to you. She either needs to shit or get off the pot. As in she either needs to commit to you or realize you’re not what shes looking for and break up and move on. Relationships aren’t just about sex but its an important part of most. She’s telling you she’s no longer attracted to you. She won’t come back from that. Attraction isn’t just physical. My second ex didn’t change all that much physically other than getting a little older. But his behaviors (he was an alcoholic) changed how I saw him. By the time I gave him an ultimatum I was repulsed by him psychically. Most of that had to do with behavior making him unattractive. That’s obviously a bit of an extreme example but chances are that your gf sees you differently now because of how she has changed and therefore her attraction to you has changed. Doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong necessarily but it’s unlikely that you will change that.
Don’t try to convince her (or anyone for that matter) to stay in a relationship. If she’s not 100% in it anymore it is time to move on. Take that time to learn who you are as a single person and find happiness on your own. Once you’re at a point where you are happy with who you are a partner will be a choice and not a need.
Look the positive. She is being honest. She could have cheated for years. Let her go and move on. Your non ones second plate.
OP 🫂
It’s done! Even if she does come back and says she wants you, it’s because she used her time to have a ride and the sex sucked with him.
Move on. Stop worrying about girls so much. Focus on your own success and power. 1000 more great women out there for you. You’ll look back on this as the greatest thing that happened to you and be embarrassed that it bothered you so much. Trust me.
Move on. Stop worrying about girls so much. Focus on your own success and power. 1000 more great women out there for you. You’ll look back on this as the greatest thing that happened to you and be embarrassed that it bothered you so much. Trust me.
I’m sure she does really love you. You’ve been together 8 years. If you love her, you’ll let her go, because that’s what she wants.
One thing I learned early 30s is that love and sexual desire don’t work in the way that most media portrays it. Like a magical flame that is there and can suddenly vanish.
These are things a couple have to actively work on and can’t rely that it will be there for life if you “found your perfect match”
It’s a shame when someone else makes this decision based on that logic… and there are traits that can make people really blocked to work on aspects that a LTR requires…
It sucks, but I recommend therapy and slowly picking yourself up… going through a BU as well, and as other say, you are still young and you can learn a lot from this to find a partner that will want to work through the challenges of life and love with you, not find easy exits when life is pushing you to grow together