Hello, I (30F) and my partner (29M) have been together with 3 and a half years. We bought a house together and living there for more than a year, planning to get married next year ( have given the notice as well).
Unfortunately we don’t share the same lifestyle as I am a resident doctor in medicine, busy with rota and exams. But he is a software developer, so very free in terms of life and time. Today he said he can’t take it anymore as our lifestyles are very different and he does not want to wait for one more year till I get my ILR/finish the medicine training. Also he is no t proud to be with me as being a doctor is my identity and wakes up late on my off days around 10 instead of doing things for our house like paining the cracked walls, that I am lazy as I postponed by 2 days to plant the flowers we bought. I do house chores such as being a cook twice a week at least based on my rota, wash the bathrooms and doing laundry while he drives me to work ( as he wants to save time for me due to very difficult parking at work ) and handles all the admin stuff such as planning for trips, getting our car fixed. He is the main decision maker as he likes to be in control though he would like to involve me in those decisions and I respect him and trusts him more with big decisions.
We have a plan to take a year out after my training so we could travel Asia and enjoy freedom. He stated he cannot waste his life for someone who has got more years of training to come (4years at least) as he knows that life would be similar to our current situation, not being able to travel whenever we want and this limitation of lifestyle is really bothering him as he worked hard for the past 10 years for this. He said I am too complacent and lazy to be a good wife and he would rather have someone who does not have a career and more invested into being a housewife while I have to give some time to study. He wants someone who is more of a partner in the relationship as he thinks I am not contributing enough (we pay half for everything including morgage, bills but not very available physically) to the relationship and I am getting every benefit for free. I really like him but it hurts a lot to hear these things from him. I am willing to explore my career options in the gap year to fit his lifestyle as honestly I am tired of being in health care for long and really need a good break to reflect on my life. But there is a possibility that I might want to come back to training to become a consultant and he can’t bear to think about it though I mentioned 60% LTFT instead of full time right now. Regarding being called lazy, I do keep the house clean and tidy but there are things he wants me to initiate doing with him without him having to say and I don’t notice things as much as him to do as he works from home and I am mostly at work and sometimes tired after night shifts / long days and waking up late. I don’t know what to do anymore really.
What do you think I should do? Thank you.
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Everything you are doing are things not recommended to be done historically in relationships. There are so many red flags in your posts that if I was a bull I would have been rampaging from the first sentence.
If you are not compatible then you shouldn’t get married. If your lifestyles are not compatible then you should not get married. You are not compatible. You are typing it out over and over again.
You can love someone and not marry them. I suggest you get into that, this relationship is doomed. Y’all are both very good people but you are not compatible. Because you are not compatible; you will tear each other apart Even though you are both good people who care about each other.
You have to leave the relationship when you are not compatible or you will eat each other alive.
Lose the deadweight.
I’m going to hell for this, but it feels like you’re both stuck in a loop where neither of you is really listening, what happens when the person who’s supposed to be your partner stops acting like one?
I feel we are not good partners for each other as we don’t complement each other, instead we burden each other due to different expectations / life styles / goals. It is easier to use my brain than my heart but it is hard.
It sounds like both of you are feeling pulled in different directions by unmet expectations and the pressure of future plans that don’t match your current realities… maybe start by figuring out what each of you really needs from a partnership instead of what you think you should want?
This guy treats you like shit. If he no longer wants to be with you, then the trash took itself out. Get out of this relationship now!!! Please go to therapy to help you get more self-worth so you will never allow yourself to be treated like this again. This is not what a relationship should look like. Also, never buy a house with someone you’re not married to.