He got me a pan, and a knife…. Theyre both nice, but honestly, I do 99% of the cooking, it used to be something I enjoy but it’s become a job, something that I do because it works for our household and dynamic. I don’t hate it, but when he is gone, more often than not the only appliance I use is the microwave. What hurts is that he was discussing buying that exact pan for the house anyway, so it just doesn’t even feel like something special for me.
It also hurts because I gave him a list of things that I really wanted… skincare, workout clothes, jewellery. It’s really simple, painfully basic shit, and he knows I like these things. I gave him low cost options, I gave him options that are slightly more expensive, he had a lot to choose from and just ignored it.
When I opened the box for the pan, I think my face dropped… I thought I had recovered it but he sat there saying that he failed and got incredibly upset. He has a thing about letting people down, so I remedied what I could and I think that fixed things.
A few years ago he got me a Lego set for Christmas. I like Lego but not enough to want it as a Christmas gift. We were also struggling for money and I suggested kindly he return it so he could take me out for a nice dinner instead so we could just spend time together and also explained that I wouldn’t have enough room in my apartment to display or store it. He called me ungrateful and he stopped buying presents for a while.
This is why I am scared to remotely indicate that what he gave me is not a great gift for me.
I know I just need to let it go, but what else can I do in the future to prevent this from happening??
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OP it’s pretty obvious he gets you gifts that aren’t want you want and then when you do get upset he gets upset so you feel guilty
He also go so upset about a Lego set that he called you ungrateful and stopped buying you presents
You don’t deserve that
> When I opened the box for the pan, I think my face dropped… I thought I had recovered it but he sat there saying that he failed and got incredibly upset. He has a thing about letting people down, so I remedied what I could and I think that fixed things.
You know what would be a great way for him to not feel bad about letting you down? If he put the tiniest bit of effort into not letting you down.
Why is it your job to make him feel great about being a shitty fucking partner? Why do you think that’s the role you deserve in a relationship? How about looking for a partner who doesn’t want you to be a servant, who values listening to you and making you happy?
Wow he seems manipulative. He does crappy things and you have to comfort him. Buy him a vacuum for his birthday.
There are few things worse than being in a relationship where you aren’t seen. Your feelings are valid. You feel hurt because he’s doing hurtful things.
He is doing shitty things do he can get you to feel bad for being upset. He’s training you to have no expectations and not to raise you are upset.
Yes he did fail. He chose to fail. You gave him a list. He chose to ignore it. Behavior like this does not get better.
You’ve been proactive in communicating what you would like and tried be gracious in accepting these “gifts” that were 100% items you did not want.
He’s 34 years old. He should be able to take the lumps of people being disappointed and be able to have self reflection on why he has failed several times at gift giving. Instead he’s projecting his emotions back on you and making you feel like you have to deal with his immature response.
Perhaps making a rule that you both buy your own gifts with a certain budget for each occasion in the future? It takes the fun out of gift giving but would solve the issue of receiving gifts you won’t use and your boyfriend not being able to handle his emotions surrounding gift-giving.
You have to let him know this wasn’t what you wanted for a present. Otherwise this will be your future present forecast throughout your relationship. If you get married expect vacuum cleaners, new sheets, and other items that would be needed. Hubs also did this after we were married our first year married. I sat him down and explained the difference between an actual gift and a household need. They are not the same. I did use some humor and luckily he got it.
I would leave him.
you are being so accommodating tell him what YOU want and he ignores it. that’s tone deaf.
you have to comfort him because he isn’t listening to you?
you deserve someone who listens to your wants and needs.
you shouldn’t have to ‘prevent this from happening’, that’s not a healthy relationship.
both of you should feel heard, loved and appreciated.
Unless you missed a heartfelt card inside the box stating that he will be doing 100% of the cooking for the next year, he is an asshole and he is deliberately being an asshole. Why are you worried about his feelings when he’s intentionally hurting yours, over and over? Stop babying this lazy manchild.
Stop being sad. Be honest with him if he can’t handle the truth then get rid of him as a partner. Tell him straight out and to his face ” YES! You did fail! When I gave you a list of what I would like and you choose nothing from that list and put literally NO effort into finding a gift that would make me happy, then YES! YOU FAILED! You don’t get to have a pity party for one because I am disappointed in you. Do better, be better. If you choose not to rectify this situation then I am out.”
You have a right to be unhappy and disappointed in him. He was an ass. You didn’t ask for the knife and pan, these were things he was already planning on buying. This is even worse. He is telling you with his actions that you aren’t worth his time or money. He literally “gifted” you shit that he was going to buy for himself/house anyways. You can do better but unless you are willing to tell him where you stand and choose to actually leave when you say you are, this will continue to be the dynamics in your relationship.
He’s an AH. He’s never gonna buy you what you want. He does it in purpose to make you look like an ungrateful brat. Then he can tell people he buys you gifts but you always get mad at him for it. He’ll purposely leave out they are unwanted or terrible gifts.
Him feeling bad is BS. Like another user pointed out, if he cared about not disappointing you, he’d try! He didn’t, so he doesn’t care. And maybe he spun it around as though he needed to be comforted to hide his shitty attempt. I don’t know. But this guy is too old to think that getting a pan for the house, is a good birthday present.
Also, stop doing most of the cooking. He only seems to see you as the help…
So he bought something he was going to buy anyway for the house, repackaged it as a gift for you, and then you apologized for your reaction to getting a shitty gift? Ma’am. For his next gift giving holiday, buy something for you and then cry when he’s visibly disappointed. Don’t stop crying until he apologizes for his reaction. If that sounds manipulative to you, that’s because it is. He knows what he’s doing. You gave him a literal list, and he still chose the pan. That’s not an accident.
You’re walking on eggshells, dear. Take it from this old chick, this is not the way to live your life. This is about much more than gift giving. He is far too old to be this inconsiderate and immature.
It’s possible that he just never learned how to give good gifts, maybe because he never got gifts he wanted. I had a boyfriend once who gave me batteries one time, but he was a good guy otherwise. If your guy is a good partner otherwise, maybe gift-giving just isn’t his love language. How about, instead of gifts, you both add money to a shared account to save up for an awesome vacation or something?
My ex-husband (keyword: ex) relied on female friends’ recommendations and convenient small snippets of our conversations to guide his purchases instead of direct requests. I was very vocal about why a calendar, bath bombs, and a paper shredder were not good gifts for me. Gifts I didn’t want were one more thing I did to make me the mean, unappreciative, bad guy. OP, you are not being unreasonable in your requests. If he’s being that manipulative about gifts, he’s doing it with other elements of your relationship. It won’t get better because he’ll continue to test your boundaries. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
These are gifts that are an indirect benefit to him. He’s not buying them because of their relevance and thoughtfulness toward you OP.
For his birthday, I would get him a piggy bank.
This is going to sound harsh but you are as much to blame as him.
Instead of letting him feel bad for letting you down you are comforting him and telling him it’s alright. You hide your reactions from him so that he won’t feel bad.
Let him feel bad because he let you down.
If you want him to change then don’t actively sabotage your efforts.
One of you has to feel bad and if it’s not him then it’s you.
Are you prepared to never be able to honestly work on a problem solution together for the rest of your life? He either needs to learn how to accept criticism or how to listen.
You should never be scared to communicate with your partner.
This is over and you haven’t accepted it yet.
This is a ‘thing.’ Where the man buys the woman something to keep house… it’s a famously crappy gift and it shows what he really wants: a housekeeper. My dad did this to my mom. He’d either get something for himself and ostensibly as a gift for her (like a vase for his vase collection — srsly), or he’d get her a vacuum or something. Well it amounts to the same thing, it’s actually for him. (They got divorced.)
You don’t say how ling you’ve been together but ‘a few years’ at least since the Lego ‘gift.’
Once I had a bf who never said ‘I love you’ and then he said it very proudly over the phone on my birthday. THAT was my gift. I broke up with him soon after.
So, I guess you have to decide if this relationship is worth keeping. How happy are you apart from the lame-ass gifts?
Oh one more anecdote: when I started dating my husband, he gave me a gold charm about 2 weeks in. We’re happily married and together almost 29 years now.
Urgh, OP why are you even asking? You know he’s a selfish AH. You allow him to manipulate you, why? Just tell him and when he reacts like an immature child dump him because that’s what he deserves. You won’t though.
Wow do you ever wonder why you think you deserve this in a relationship? Woof
I hope you break up and find a normal and decent person
You break up. He had a problem years ago and didn’t fix it so now you’re scared to voice your actual opinions for how he reacts? You’re not in a good relationship. If you can’t even bring it up, how are you going to fix or prevent it? Do yourself a favor and move on. He doesn’t care about letting people down, he cares about their reaction to his lack of care. That’s all. He just wants you to accept what little he gives.
Why are you too frightened to be able to tell the truth? You provided a list, he didn’t even have to use his brain.
He sure lets you down a lot for not wanting to let people down.
And seeing as this has been multiple years where this happens , you have to decide if you want to keep going like this or not. He’s not changing… You’re the one that will have to change.
He made your birthday about you having to comfort him. This is ridiculous you gave him a list this was so easy for him. He’s 34 years old he should know better, he either doesn’t know you at all or doesn’t really care.
“When I opened the box for the pan, I think my face dropped… I thought I had recovered it but he sat there saying that he failed”
That’s because he did fail. Whatever good qualities he might possess, he sucks at picking out gifts. It’s not your responsibility to pretend he didn’t fail.