My boyfriend (31M) and I (30F) have been together for 11 years, with a short breakup last year. We’ve had our issues, mainly around feeling stuck, and me struggling with insecurity and control. I used to get upset when he went out without me and did not let him go out without friends most of our relationship even though he never stopped me from doing my own thing. We’ve since gotten back together and things have been improving: we’re both stable in our careers, talking about moving in, engagement, and we a trip to Greece in 6 weeks to visit his family.
Lately, he’s been going out more with new friends (mostly to raves/DJ events that are not really my cup of tea). He invites me, I decline and then I spiral. I blow up his phone, accuse him of cheating, demand reassurance, and basically panic whenever he’s not with me. Over the 4th of July weekend, I was out of town visiting family. He stayed behind and kept in touch: sending pics/videos of him and his friends, checking in, etc. But I still freaked out, called him 45 times and made a bunch of accusations.
He got REALLY upset. I apologized and he continued to text with me until I landed back home this morning. Once I landed, he asked if I wanted to go to the beach with him so I did. He was also out all weekend and actually was hanging with this new friend all night/into the morning. But still asked to go to the beach with him. Before we drove to the beach, he told me to save my apologies because I keep saying sorry and my actions don’t change. He said he loves me and wants to stay together, but he’s starting to feel resentful. He wants space to have his own friends and identity without being punished for it. He teared up when we talked and said he doesn’t want to break up and he still wants to go to Greece with me. But he also doesn’t know how to help me with my obsessiveness and insecurities anymore. My behavior makes him want to break up with me and be single and enjoy going out versus the treatment I’ve been giving him.
I feel like I royally messed up everything within days. I don’t want to lose him but I know I’ve created a dynamic where I’m clinging so tightly that I’m choking the relationship and pushing him far away. Can I come back from this?
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What are you doing to FIX your issues? That’s not in the post anywhere.
You need to be in treatment, not dating. You should be single for a while and fixing your shit.
You can, and he wants you to. You need therapy. You probably already know this.
You’re letting him go out with friends but you’re not letting him enjoy it by constantly blowing up his phone, accusing him of things. It’s not fair on him and you need to find a way to get over the idea of him cheating any time he’s not with you. Maybe therapy? Have you been cheated on before, is it fear that since you’ve been cheated on once it can happen again? I think just focus on yourself for a bit and realise that your partner loves you and obviously wants to continue this relationship, but if you can’t change these bad habits then it will end your relationship.
I stopped at 11yrs. 11 yrs and no ring? yeah one foot has been out the door for a while
Apologies without changed behavior is manipulation. I understand manipulation is a strong word, and you might even realize you’re doing it, but that’s what’s happening here. It appears that you need constant reassurance and attention, but no human can fulfill that for you, not even your partner. At some point, you need to reassure yourself and be content with the attention you receive.
There’s still time to come back to this. He sounds open to you fixing things since he still wants to go on vacation. However, you need to 110% lock in. No mistakes from here on out until you heal because you’ll push him to a point of no return.
I think your partner is being really clear on what is needed from you. You need to look at yourself and see what’s going on. Not wishing to be rude, but you guys have been together a long time and you are too old to not understand why you are doing this.
Has he ever given you reason not to trust him? If so, how did you work though it? Why did you decide to stay? If not, then why are you fixated on him cheating/leaving you?
It sounds unhealthy to me and you could benefit from talking to someone about how you are feeling. If all this stems from you being anxious, for example, there are ways to help you manage how you are feeling without throwing it all at him.
Im not saying he’s blameless, and I can imagine its hard seeing him engage in new hobbies that don’t include you. But based on what you have shared, you should remember he is allowed to be an individual and he’s allowed to have friends. If you can’t handle that, and want someone more aligned to you, then that’s for you to figure out
I was you not so long ago. My husband and I worked it out by talking more openly about what was going on. He introduced me to all his friends, and we would hang out outside of the things I wasn’t interested in. He would casually update me about things those friends were doing, or if a joke was going around the WhatsApp, he’d tell me and share. He’d do things to help ease my nerves – charged phone on a night out, money for a taxi and text with updates.
He could only respond to my needs when I told him what I needed. I didn’t need to be on him or with him 24/7, I just didnt want to feel left out all the time. He made ways to include me and it helped massively.
Don’t panic because of all this but please, have a frank conversation with yourself and then your partner
You need to seek professional help. He’s in an abusive relationship with you… none of this is healthy.
When he makes plans, you need to go out with friends or have a hobby to do and avoid using your phone the whole time he’s gone. Sitting home staring at the screen is the wrong thing to do for you. Frankly, you don’t have any more chances—you’ve spent all your chances. So, if you do this again, this relationship is over. And no one else is going to tolerate this behavior either, so fix this by therapy or whatever means necessary or you will not be in a relationship.
This is an issue that comes from within yourself. You’re going to keep “crashing out” if you don’t try to find the root of this issue and learn to cope with the uncomfortable feeling.
I also get really anxious when communication with my partner is less or if she doesn’t answer relatively quickly. But I have to handle that on my own! I certainly have asked for reassurance in some moments, but if she’s just doing something totally normal, it’s on me to self soothe and cope with my feelings.
I would get into therapy and start working on your attachment issues. It sounds like a classic anxious or disorganized attachment. Your boyfriend has been very patient but you can’t keep doing this to him and expect him to deal with it.
An apology without a change in behavior is just manipulation. Be cautious that you’re not being emotionally abusive
45 times in one day??
I would have broken up with you on the spot, to be honest I’m shocked your BF has been dealing with this for 11 years
Good god girl. Get some help. I’m amazed he hasn’t dumped you. I cannot imagine putting up with someone who calls me 45 times in a panic. That’s just way way too much. Get some therapy.
So you don’t trust him
You need to go to therapy and really commit to it. Otherwise you’re in grave danger of losing him.
You are not in the head space to have a healthy relationship. It’s time for therapy.
As a former party kid, hes definitely cheating on you. Healthy 31yo men do not participate in the party scene.
You need therapy in the worst way! What lead you to be this insecure and possessive? I’m surprised he lasted for 11 years!
Girl.. imma be so real. YOU need a psychiatrist AND a therapist for real. This isn’t healthy for you or him. He’s okay with you going out on your own because he TRUSTS YOU. you’ve been together 11 years and you don’t/ can’t trust him… you should break up with him. This is extremely toxic. I would’ve broken up with you way before. He’s given you so many chances.. I’m sorry but if a man wants to cheat he would.. don’t give him a reason to go out and actually DO IT. he’s probably going out more and trying new things because you’re so unhinged. Yall aren’t even married and you’re acting like.. I would’ve blocked your number and you would’ve never heard from me again. Seek help for real.
you say you feel like you ruined the relationship in days but it sounds like you have been abusive and manipulative for years! who treats someone they love like that? get therapy ASAP
Do you realize a ring will not solve anything. Even the wedding. It takes love and trust and a whole host of other items to make a relationship last. As others have said. Get a therapist. Read some self help books ro get you started now. Start journaling. Distract your mind and most important. STOP texting and calling him and ruining events. Do you only want him happy with you.
And honestly if you already set a deadline to breakup with him then just do it and work on why you are acting this way. It is incredibly selfish
Not gonna lie, if I were in your bf’s shoes, I’d be done with this relationship because I could not stand the constant accusations and neediness.
Please get some therapy, OP. This isn’t a relationship issue, this is a YOU issue. Calling someone 45 times in one weekend to make unfounded accusations is not a sign of mental health – quite the opposite. I think you should consider being single for a while, and work on yourself to get to a healthy place for a relationship.
You need a therapist. You’re emotionally abusing your bf. I’m surprised he’s stayed this long. Do the work to change your behavior. No one needs to be called 45 times in a day. That’s unhinged.
I have been this person. Something that helped me has been just following the “worst case scenario” through to the end … if someday it comes out that this gem of a man is actually cheating on me, if I find out it’s all a lie, then what? I’d have my job, I’d pay the bills on my own, I’d lawyer up, I’d be okay … once I realize I’m not a helpless child but an empowered adult who can handle hard things, I can let go of the “what’s ifs” and just trust him. If he isn’t giving you any reason not to, you have to either trust him or let him go cuz this cycle isn’t fair to either one of you.
Yikes. I wouldn’t have stayed around this long. That’s miserable for both of you.
You didn’t mess everything up in days. You messed up by YEARS of this happening over and over. He should have left you a long time ago. Get therapy. Then maybe you won’t drive the next guy away.
You didn’t mess this up in DAYS. This is ongoing and both of you know that. Hell, he TOLD you that and pointed out you never do anything to rectify it but an empty apology and do it again. Jesus, get a grip. Get counseling, and get the hell out of that relationship to save HIM from your BS.
This is your very last chance to stop doing these things. If your actions match your words about wanting to change, I think it sounds like he is open to that- but this is your last shot.
You need therapy and you need to get on top of your issues because if you don’t you are going to lose him and will never have a healthy, happy relationship.
Fucking PDs… Get professional help, not Reddit.
You keep doing the same thing over and over and you think it’s been fine until the past few days?
Regardless of how long it took you to eff things up you need therapy for your issues around control and paranoia of cheating and such.
You’re not going to stop acting this way until you put in the work to change your behavior and mindset.
Again, you need therapy for yourself and maybe could use some couples counseling for your relationship to survive.
You need to get to the bottom of why you think and act the way you do with a partner who has never given you reason to.
That’s a big problem.
Good luck with everything.
Have you asked yourself why you don’t trust him. Therapy of course, but in the meantime set call limits and stick to them, so he can see your seriousness. You don’t want to lose him, so action is what he needs to see.
You need therapy, or you will destroy this relationship or any other you get in.
Words and intentions do not mean anything, actions do. Work on yourself or he’ll end up leaving you. You’re 30, accusing your partner of cheating just because he goes out is some 16yo shit.
Whoa your anxious attachment is wild. You need to work on it in therapy.
I used to be a much milder version of you when I get anxious when my partner was out and I mentally spiral but without texting him, but I’d be in a bad mood when he comes home.
What I did to change it is I regularly go to therapy, got hobbies, go to do studio fitness classes on my own or with friends, and realized having time to yourself doing your own things is much more balanced, and it takes time away from me obsessing over him. Our relationship has improved so much because of this.
Next time he’s out doing something and you feel the urge to call or text, don’t. Or rather time after that. You must have your own things to do.
Dude you really have to chill out. Work on whatever insecurities youve had since you were a kid as you work on your relationship. A man can only be pushed so far.
It’s easy….GET THERAPY
That dude is only holding on to that Greece trip. I have a feeling he’s actually done with the cra cra that is his GF. If he hasn’t proposed in 11 years he’s not planning to.
You are the definition of a Stage 5 clinger, get serious therapy
Girl, get help
This is classic anxious attachment and probably a lot of other stuff. You need therapy ASAP. Losing connection with reality/spiraling out in paranoia is a serious issue that you need help with.
Yikes. Get into therapy. You need to work on yourself and why you have no trust in an apparently trustworthy partner.
IMO – you should end this relationship until you can control your impulses and triggers.
Best wishes finding joy and peace everyday.
The fact that your boyfriend has dealt with this for 11 years is mind-blowing.
You’d think after 11 years of being together, you’d at least trust the guy.
Just wondering what did you do during your 20’s to grow as a person? Because this sounds like that has been avoided almost entirely… IF you can come back from this, you need to turn your life around immediately and start putting in hard work to change. As someone who has been seeing therapists and psychiatrists throughout the majority of my 20’s, I’d highly recommend starting there.
Therapy like most people are saying, but also maybe put the phone down and go for a long walk. Do things that make it harder for you to use the phone to abuse him. Swap to an old school phone that is hard to text on. Maybe write down the reasons you have that give you reason to trust him and read these out loud when you’re feeling like you may spin out. Perhaps also the facts on what your behavior is going to bring to you. Such as its going to force a break up.
45 times in one night??? After 11 goddamn years?!?!?!?! What the absolute fuck, lady. Go fix yourself before you lose the best man you’re ever gonna meet. I would drop you in a heartbeat if you pulled some shit like that with me. You need to go to therapy so you can become the partner he deserves.
How do you say your relationship is improving but you crash out when you aren’t together? You definitely aren’t mature enough to get married. You need a therapist, not a officiant. You can’t think apologizing fixes everything and if you do, you definitely aren’t mature enough for marriage.
Oh my. You need to seek help. 11 years? In your 30s? And behaving like this? It’s a miracle he’s lasted this long. Probably because you guys were together really young. Breaking 11+ years of behaviors is very difficult even with therapy. If he’s willing to wait longer to actually see the facts of therapy showing, explain to him that you’re willing to seek help and it wilt as time, that is if you’re willing to go that route and see how he takes it. But let him know you can’t change overnight. It’s all about how much more patience he has because he’s already at his wits end. Good luck
You just need therapy and to not be dating him…… he’s enabling ur behavior and …. girl if u think getting engaged will change ur mentality…. it wont….
I’ve been cheated on and stayed and didn’t even react that way when he went out with friends lol 😭😭😭 like if he gonna cheat he is going to cheat ? like u can’t stop that lmao
At the end of the day you gotta accept he might cheat on you. (Assuming that’s where the anxiety stems from?) And that feeling sucks. But you could call him 45 times in a day like you already did and he can still cheat. This is the reality of it, if he wants to cheat he will. It doesn’t seem like he does, and he seems to respect you enough to check in and stuff.
Yes, you’re being manipulative and controlling but at the bottom of it I think you just have really bad anxiety and he has enabled it accidentally while trying to comfort you. Imo the best think you can do is relinquish control of the fact he might cheat. It sucks! It’s uncomfortable! But as long as he’s not doing anything inappropriate (which you can discuss what that would actually be) try letting him be. Calling him that much won’t prevent him cheating, you quite literally can’t control what he might do when he’s out.
What do you think freaking out will accomplish??? If he’s cheating, you can’t prevent that. He will cheat. If he’s not cheating, you’re just being a psycho controlling partner. How would you feel if someone got pissed at you every time you just truly had fun?
Do you have abandonment issues? PTSD? Borderline personality disorder? Not that any of that would excuse your behavior. But maybe start to point you in the direction of how to fix it.
You can’t control people into being what you want. If you love him, accept him for who he is. And trust he’s making the best decisions. If you don’t trust him to do that, you’re just being shouldn’t be together. And if he does make bad decisions, your control won’t stop it. Thats where you’d walk away from the relationship if you disagreed with how he lives.
Get therapy. Yesterday.
Have you been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?
You say you messed everything up within days?? It sounds like you have messed everything up for a decade. Your boyfriend has too much patience. This relationship sounds exhausting, and to be perfectly honest, you will not change. You need therapy and a lot of self reflection.
Toxic
You need therapy and meds. If you break up with him and you hook up with somebody else the same thing’s going to happen. You need to find out what is up with you and how to stop it. If you call me that much I agree with everybody else I would have definitely cut you loose. And I would have blocked you.
To be honest between your insecurities and his going out to raves etc (which you know he’s in his early 30s etc no major life commitments like kids that I can see you’ve mentioned fair play) it’s probably not a great dynamic. And if he’s leaning towards social aspects rather then relationship aspects as priority and your very much relationship oriented it’s also not great either, calling someone 45 times in one day is obsessive and I think you need to get some help for yourself. It will be hard for a relationship to be healthy who ever your with if you need that much reassurance and have no trust and insecurity to that degree. You really need to work on yourself and put some time energy into loving yourself and being comfortable with yourself ! I always think what’s the worst thing that could happen if someone cheats on me ? There’s much worse things in life that could happen to a person in their life !!!! I don’t know how you can fix things or if you can in relationship terms but you can certainly help yourself and you’ll have a much happier less anxiety fuled life if you address and work on your issues.
Girl you gotta deal with your issues!! Why are you so insecure? Does he cheat on you? Flirt with other girls? Lie to you? Has he actually ever given you a reason not to trust him? If not, then you need to get your shit together and stop pushing away a good, trustworthy man. Stop punishing him for crimes he hasn’t committed.
If he has given you good reasons to mistrust him to this level, JUST LEAVE!! You two are toxic as hell if he’s out cheating and you’re at home being chaotic and calling him every 5 minutes.
You need therapy OP. For your own peace of mind and for your relationship. Your behavior can change, but you have to put in the work.
You should be talking to a therapist not reddit. Your behavior is unacceptable and if you guys were my friends I’d advise him to end the relationship.
I think you should try DBT, it can help with distress tolerance and stopping the spiral.
sorry you’re going through this. ❤️🩹
yeah your boyfriend deserves better bro. that’s probably why you’ve been dating for 11 years and no ring lol
There are many layers to this. The BF is going to raves, staying up all night with friends, and putting himself in wild situations without OP. This does not nurture the relationship. Ya OP you way overdid it, and your jealousy is very unhealthy, but you may need to consider whether you will be comfortable with this type of man in the long run. If you tend to get insecure and jealous, maybe you need to be with a man who is more conservative, more of a homebody and who won’t go out without you unless it is a rare special occasion. There are men out there who want to spend almost all of their evenings with their significant other and OP, this may be a telltale sign that this is no longer a match. The toxicity is growing. He goes out – sometimes until very late, without you, and you flip out. That makes him want to do it more. Which makes you go even more sideways. On so it goes.
You need help!
Oh, you sound absolutely awful. How did he put up with this shit for so long?
Is this this the boyfriend just venting about his annoying missus, but writing it from her perspective to get some validation?
Sounds like you should really get evaluated for BPD.
I’ve got two exes who had it and your behavior sounds really similar.
Don’t know how desperate he is to have not already broken up with you… Which is honestly what you deserve, that sounds awful. Get some serious help, because that isnt close to normal behavior.
You have Borderline Personality Disorder. Speak to a therapist about strategies to maintain your relationships.
No, you can’t. Leave because this man deserves a chance at a healthy relationship. You need to get yourself to therapy YESTERDAY.
Girl, you need therapy. Critically.
He has likely avoided proposing because he’s not sure he can live with this kind of abuse for the rest of his life. You are not “cute” or just “insecure”.
I hold your hand when I say this: you are unwell and likely suffering from a significant personality disorder.
If you love this man as much as you say you do, you would end the relationship and save him the heartbreak you deliver with your own hand.
Hey OP, by chance do you have BPD? I’m not a diagnostic professional in the slightest, but this sounds awfully similar to my symptoms when I was wildly untreated. I’d be willing to bet you’ve experienced some serious abandonment in your life, maybe some trauma, and it was never healed, and you expect your “favorite person,” usually a romantic partner, to provide constant and unrealistic reassurances, to the point that we don’t even know what it is we want and need. Even after a casual gander at your page, it looks like you need immediate reassurance about variety of things.
I’m not trying to armchair diagnose, but I see my untreated self in this post, and it’s painful. I wanted to be better, and knew that I could, for so long, but the fury about my trauma and the shame kept me locked in. I had to undergo a DBT IOP to really kickstart my healing, and it saved my life. Still, it’s a lifelong labor to stay healthy, and remission is possible.
Consider seeking a professional who can assess you properly. The relationship isn’t salvageable and you can feel whatever it is you feel about that. Seriously, though, get yourself in some therapy. I promise it’s life changing.
girl I’m so sorry to say this sounds like you’re abusing him, regardless of your intent. at minimum you’re manipulative and way taking advantage of him and your relationship
So what are you doing to hold yourself accountable? Bc it sounds like you’re in desperate need of a therapist.
Honestly your BF deserves better, and this is super unhealthy behavior for you.
Sounds like you have an anxious attachment issue. I have had issues with it myself. I’d recommend looking for help from a person who has experience helping people that have anxious attachment and help you get to the root cause of your issues, otherwise they’ll keep eating at you.
Why are you with someone you dont trust?
You are way too old to be playing these games.
Go work on your insecurities before you get in a relationship.
I know how u feel. My GF is the same. At first, I thought she had issues until I realized she had depression and felt isolated since she was 12 years younger than her next sibling. But u gotta give him space. Guys, in general, are simple creatures. They need love from their lover but also need a bit of space for their own time. Sometimes, it’s not always about the couple. You guys need your own me time here and there
Jesus girl, therapy.
This is not fair on your partner at all. I can’t believe hes tolerated this for 11 years.
You need to let go of these insecurities or youre going to deatroy every relationahip you ever have. If he cheats, hes not meant to bw your man. You need to be able to see it like this.
I get the fear, I’ve been the victim of a cheater too, but I would NEVER treat my partner like this. You’re making him a prisoner in this relationship. You’re manipulating, controlling, and a outright obsessive.
This is the reddest of red flags I’ve seen in awhile.
If I was talking to him, I would tell him to break up with you, block you, and looks at a restraining order because you sound unhinged and like you would be a real problem as an ex.
I imagine this sounds harsh, but you need a real rapid reality check.
You’re causing your bf harm and pain by staying with him. You’re in no position to be in a relationship, and if he continues to choose to stay, he will end up even more fucked in the head. You’re likely abusing him, mentally or emotionally or both.
You need to stop dragging him down with you, give him an out, and go work on your shit on your own. The fact that y’all been together ELEVEN years and you’re still this level of insecure and out of control says you either 1) don’t want to be a better partner or 2) are incapable of doing the work on your own. Regardless, you NEED therapy AND psychiatry. Please finally be responsible for your symptoms and actions and let your bf go. If y’all are really gonna work, you need time to heal yourself.
You need serious help from a therapist. Your obsessiveness is not normal or reasonable. Constantly accusing of cheating and incessantly calling is not rational behaviour. Please seek help. Your boyfriend also needs help to see that he should have much more confidence in himself to move on to a better partner
I have nothing comforting to offer you. I truly hope he finds a way to break free from you. My sister was in a similar relationship for years. Her ex terrorized her every time she was out without him, just like you’re doing to him. She eventually managed to leave. I sincerely wish him all the best and hope he finds someone capable of giving him a healthy, respectful relationship. You seriously need to get professional help and stay far away from any new relationship until you’ve dealt with the damage you’re capable of causing.
You are 30 years old. Go to therapy! This isnt healthy.
Borderline personality disorder. Look it up and if it fits get therapy. You will need it. Best of luck to both of you!