I (30F) feel like divorcing my husband (30M) is the right thing to do. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 2. We started dating at 18, and I considered him my best friend. However, I’ve always felt pressure to put him first, even while juggling work and university. He complained I didn’t spend enough time with him, and though he never forbade me from seeing friends, he made me feel guilty when I did.
The real issues started when we got married. His family, especially his dad, treated me poorly, thinking they were superior because I’m a woman. His mom and sister even tried to wear the same outfit as me on my wedding day, and when I said no, they accused me of trying to make them look ugly. Over time, my husband shifted blame onto me, even though he initially supported my stance. They were always picking on me saying I wanted them to look ugly and said I am immature for saying I can’t wear the same outfit (this conversation was still going on after we got married). My SIL never would welcome me into their parent’s home and whenever she saw me she would give me an ugly look and walk to her room. I later found out that my SIL spread rumors about me being rude to people that didn’t know me. One of the people she spread the lies to came up to me and told me she was doing this because they felt I was nothing like what she described me to be. When I confronted her she admitted to spreading rumours but felt they were facts because I never welcomed her when I always said hi and tried to talk to her, it was she that didn’t want to be around me. I also found out that she wanted to get married before we did but her bf wasn’t ready and she someone blames me for that too, even though I never met her bf.
Last year, after we had our baby, tensions worsened. My MIL and SIL were unsupportive during my pregnancy, and never called or asked how I was doing. My MIL also spread lies about me not letting her see her grandson, which wasn’t true. She tried to tell my extended family I am preventing her from seeing her grandson when she was offended that I asked her to wash her hands and sanitize before picking up my 1 week old child. She also has the habit of visiting unannounced at all hours and days and when I confronted her, she called me a rude daughter-in-law. My husband now believes his mom is a saint, blaming me for the strained relationship between me and her.
Things have gotten worse since then. My husband, who was once not close to his family because he always described them as broken, now defends his mom and blames me for everything. He’s even become verbally abusive, hitting me and telling me I’m a waste of life. He even said my parents deserve to get punched and should apologize to his mom for having a child like me. He forced me to split our parental leave with him, claiming he could care for our child better. Despite me working, I’m expected to handle all household duties and night feeds. He belittles me, calls me names, and is always on his phone while I’m burnt out from trying to do everything.
I feel more stressed and unhappy than ever. I want to divorce, but I don’t know how to proceed. Is there any way I can get full custody of our child? My in laws don’t even get along with each other and I feel like my child won’t learn any good behaviours from being there or worse be verbally abused. Yes, they literally hate each other and my husband and his siblings don’t talk to each other. My MIL and FIL even make their kids chose sides. Also after how my husband has behaved I don’t feel like our child should be around him. Any advice?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Custody will depend on courts… but I can tell you that you should never believe what an abusive person tells you when it comes to your value. His opinions should no longer matter to you, he is not a reliable source.
Take you and your kiddo safely to a shelter and get that divorce. It won’t feel like the right thing. It’ll be hard.
Never stay with someone who makes your value conditional. You are invaluable and this will benefit you and kiddos life in the long run.
yes its the right thing to do
Seek advice from an experienced attorney to get an idea about how a divorce would play out and to build an exit strategy. Best wishes
You should get as much evidence of his abuse as possible. Just don’t put yourself at physical risk to get that evidence. If possible, voice record him (secretly if needed) when he’s verbally abusing you. Screenshot any texts where he admits any of this/where he is abusing you via text. Try gather evidence that you are the one doing 99% of the care for your child. Hopefully that evidence will mean full custody is going to be given to you. You absolutely do need to divorce him though. He’s abusing you in multiple ways, and he thinks he can just do so and get away with it. He’s making you feel like the one in the wrong, so he never has to Change. I’m sorry you’re in this situation, you deserve much much better
DUMP THAT WHOLE MESS IN THE TRASH.
Find a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. 30 is YOUNG. You have so much life ahead of you. Don’t waste any of it unhappy if you can help it.
Walk away. He may push for partial custody but I see it getting less and less as he realizes being a parent alone is hard.
And while some dads are absolutely amazing and do their part, I don’t get the feeling your child’s dad will.
If he does, that’s a good thing. Even if it doesn’t work out with you your kid needs his dad who shows up. And even if you have to split your time it still be healthier than what is going on now. Get your ducks in a row and run
Call your local DV resource center and tell this all this. They’ll help you get legal help and your own place. If you have a lease where you live they’ll get you out of it.
Record the abuse quietly, save copies, find a lawyer. Nobody deserves to be abused. Not even if they have kids to take care of. Your husband is not a safe person and you cannot trust his version of events, or who he tells you you are. You know who you are. And you’re finally seeing who he is
Start saving money quietly, get a lawyer and in the meantime record everything. Every text, every time he yells at you, hits you every single thing. Write in a journal. Call the cops anytime he gets physical or aggressive and have the police document how many times you fear for you life until you get a restraining order and temporary custody order in place. Once you have an attorney, do everything they ask of you and you MAY get full custody. It’s an uphill battle but you can do it. You need to, for your child.
He’s hitting you, so you need to end the relationship before it gets even worse. Lawyer up ASAP.
it’s time for you to speak to a lawyer and get your affairs in order OP ❤️ based on all you type, you know what you have to do and you kind of have a plan too. you just need the encouragement and i promise you that here ? we will give it to you. you got this. he doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve being treated in the way him and his family has.