Hello all, as the title says, my boyfriend of 7 years just told me last night that the divorce to his wife was never finalized. For a little back story on them (and Im not 100% sure of the timeline, but pretty sure), they were both Marines when they got together, she ended up getting pregnant, and then they got married by 20. They have the baby, I think 2 years later, she deploys to Afghanistan, and she ends up having divorce papers served to him back home. At that point they had some relationship troubles, he says she had been cheating on him, but he wanted to stick it out and try to make it work. She was very clearly and openly wanting to leave the relationship. In the end he refused to sign the papers.
So she gets back, they end the romantic relationship, move away from each other, and have joint custody of their child (execpt it wouldn’t legally be called that but you know what I mean). Still no papers signed. A couple years later its brought up again, he does sign the papers, she never submits them. I meet him and we start a relationship some time after that.
Okay, so I’ve been with him 7 years. It has been 14 years since she served him the papers, and never submitted them. He tells me last night the divorce was never finalized. The reason he’s bringing it up now, is because I guess they had a conversation a couple months ago and she said she was finally going to submit the forms (not sure whats pushing her, but perhaps it’s her boyfriend). So, if he ends up having to go to court, he wanted me to know why. And he’s also worried about having to back-pay child support and stuff, even though they’ve been 50-50 with the now nearly adult child. So I don’t know how all that works but he’s worried about the money.
Any how, he is feeling really ashamed he didnt tell me earlier. Really sorry. I mean, he should be. I feel like this whole situation is just really weird, but I know first hand how she can be difficult to work with. Id say their relationship is amicable, but she definitely has a “my way or the highway” type attitude, and she is a workaholic, and pushes everything that’s not work to the wayside. So I can see how she put this off. But its still like, 14 years? Seriously?
So yeah, I feel weird. I’ve been with a technically married man this whole time. He should have told me sooner. The situation explains a lot of odd things, like his discomfort to talk about having kids or getting married for example. It just explains a lot of little odd things.
Part of me is like WTF, and part of me is like “finally we can let this go and move on with our relationship”. My intuition always told me there was something in the way of us completely moving forward, but it also told me not to leave. I don’t want to break-up, because I understand this can happen. But I’m upset at him for not telling me this earlier. Maybe he thought it would scare me out of the relationship? I would have probably just pushed him to push her. Also, he says only I and his mom know about this, and his mom was the one thay told him he needs to tell me. So kudos to her.
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His ex’s personal failings are irrelevant and whether any back child support could be ordered depends on the laws in the jurisdiction where this would be happening and when, if at all, she filed the petition for child support. He needs to get a lawyer to sort this out for him. In terms of your relationship with him, this is a pretty major thing to lie about. He’s right to imagine that no self respecting person would get seriously involved with him with this hanging over his head. But that doesn’t erase the reality that he’s wasted years of your life. IMHO this isn’t something you can just overlook.
you need to get out of the relationship. i slept with a woman and she told me after that she had lied about being separated vs divorced, when i had specifically asked her if she was divorced. she then got mad when i said i didnt want to talk to her until she showed me divorce papers
This is a very messy situation to find yourself in however, I don’t think this is a reason to end a relationship. If there’s other red flags that have stood out to you in the past, then this might be the straw that broke the camels back. If you love him and he loves you, respects you, and generally cares for you well, then it might be something you can work through. A therapist might be the way to go
Realistically they would be submitting and signing papers now. Child support would be decided from this point forward not retroactively. Also you need to decide if you want to be with him or not
So he had to be forced to tell you effectively because he’s going to have to go to court, may end up having to drastically change finances.
He didn’t CHOOSE to tell you – his ass is very much painted in a corner – that’s the ONLY reason you’re hearing jack shit about this.
Dump him hard for being a lying POS – it’s that simple.
You tell him if he loved you he would have gotten the divorce the minute he realized he loved you to clear the way for a future together.
Instead, he just kept the dead, rotting corpse in a closet, in the trunk, dragging it around for years because he just didn’t want to deal with it – KNOWING it was a firm obstacle to your future together.
This is Messy, but I don’t 100% sure know if I personally would have ended the relationship. But I strongly recommend he gets a lawyer. Because I’m not worried about back child support but I am worried about back payment to the United States government. Because the military lets them get a pay bump for being married and having children. If she tries to file that paperwork that they signed more than 8 years ago they may owe the government back pay because they quote on quote tricked the United States government into thinking they were still married. Also United States government May try to argue that if she’s still in the Marines that she’s trying to deny him retirement benefits. Because if you’re married within 3 years of retirement you owe your ex spouse some of your retirement especially if you’ve been married for more than 10 years. So I think you should get a lawyer. With all that said, it is not unusual for people to not really fight to get a divorce, with a spouse who has all the control over the divorce.
So he has lied to your face for 7 years and has purposefully put off getting rid of road blocks to move the relationship forward as well. These are a lot of really big red flags. I would be clear you feel betrayed and that if you are willing to let him earn your trust back he needs to make an action plan to share with you and start living. I would be very hesitant to keep building a life with someone who hides and procrastinates about legal issues.
“I understand this can happen” – what can happen?
He’s been married to her for your entire relationship, and lied the entire time. And he’s only telling you now because it might affect his finances, he might go to court but most importantly his mom told him to. WTF.
Dude.
Set aside everything with his ex, child support, etc. The issues are that 1) he has lied to you everyday for 7 years about something MAJOR that affects your life and 2) he does not seem willing or able AT ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD to step up and take care of his shit. If he wanted a future with you, why didn’t he just take care of this? Don’t let him use the “you know how she is” excuse. If he wanted it and you, he could have made it happen. He only told you because he was outed.
He has never fully been in this with you. How could he be when he’s been lying and married this entire time? He’s been hanging on to his life with her instead of building one with you.
Lying by omission, cool. Seven years and no ring or future planning.
Girl if he wanted to he would
This is just me, but I don’t think I’d be that upset about the fact of them still being technically married. Clearly neither of them have seen themselves as married for a long time. I would not feel any guilt about being with “a married man” or anything like that.
To me it would be an issue of him dragging his feet on a legal proceeding that has not been significantly impeding his life but needs to be taken care of at this point. He needs to hire his own lawyer to get this done instead of waiting to see if his ex gets around to it. I would tell him that’s non-negotiable. Maybe he should tell the ex that she has 14 days to move forward, and if she doesn’t then he’ll be hiring his own lawyer to get it done. But continuing to leave this pending on what she feels like doing is no longer acceptable at this point.
All your questions about why he kept this from you, and how this has been affecting his decision-making with you, are entirely legitimate and you should bring them up to him.
Your boyfriend is an idiot. I would run.
Question everything that comes out of his mouth. You have no other choice now except this or leave.
I get why this feels like a huge shock, and it’s not easy to process when trust is suddenly called into question… you’ve been through a lot, and what matters now is figuring out if you want to move forward with someone who didn’t feel honest about such an important part of their life, but I do think there’s still time to find your way back to something better, even if it takes a while.
That woman isn’t stupid. She did that for a reason and I think your boyfriend knows about and still isn’t telling you. No one just lets a divorce drag out for no reason.
It’s either financial, medical care, child support, retirement benefit or what not, but they didn’t just forget about it- that’s a lie. If the fraud situation comes out, this might turn ugly.
They are technically married for over 10 years now. Often times that changes a lot in the demands you can make in a divorce. This won’t be cheap and your boyfriend is liar your entire relationship. If he lied about that he definitely lied about other stuff as well. You can’t have a relationship with a liar.
I’d seriously be side-eyeing someone who could hide this from you this long. I think you need to take a step back from this relationship and look it more carefully. Are you happy? Are you in a relationship based on trust? Is there anything weird going on with the ex? You don’t have to go nuclear, but maybe just pause to evaluate things a bit.
I don’t really see this as an issue because I know people who have been legally separated for decades but never finalized divorced. They’ve gone on to have happy healthy relationships with other people just never got around to the paperwork.
Just pointing out he only told you to cover his ass. Not because he wanted to be honest with you
This is a big omission (lie) to keep from you. Plus he would still be stringing you along if she didn’t push the divorce. It should make you think what other things has he withheld from you. Trust is broken.
If he has to pay back child support, that’s on him. He’s a grown adult and could have submitted his own papers at any time or just signed in the first place.
Does he know that, if some medical event were to happen where he could not speak for himself, she could potentially swoop in and override whatever you want? I see this all the time in my work. Same thing goes for other financial and legal benefits – she would get them all by default unless he has a savvy legal arrangement set up. I’m guessing he doesn’t if he has been avoiding this for so long.
Long-term partners of still-legally-married, but separated or estranged people, can get royally screwed. And while the unmarried partner is going through the trauma of their partner’s injury/illness/death. He needs to see this through asap.
About the child support I wonder why she wouldn’t have pushed for it? Why didn’t your bf think he needed to pay child support?
It is possible he will have to pay retroactively. Honestly if he owes them money he should pay, it’s for the kids.
I would seriously question remaining with someone who lied about something like this and who avoided putting the work in after a separation with kids.
For me him lying to me for 7 years would be enough for me to end the relationship.
So you have or havent had the child 50% of the time if yes then no back child support right?
Eh. Legalities are stupid. They’ve no cohabitated in 14 years. they’re legally separated. It’s by far easier to get divorced now than it would’ve been right away.
I would dump him just on the fact that he let this drag out for 14 years and for not being up front with you about what was going on 7 years ago.
You realize this means half of anything he’s purchased or acquired in those years belongs 50% to her, right? Retirement accounts. Homes. Vehicles. All of it. Unless she agrees to a division of assets that doesn’t include any of that, which she very well might given the circumstance. But if she wanted to push it…