TL;DR – My dad (63m) always had a difficult relationship with me (30F), mom (64F) and brother (43M). My parents got divorced 6 years ago, violence was involved. I contacted him after 6 years, but he acts as if nothing happened. I am unsure what to do now. Feels pointless to talk about the past, so maybe I just don’t want to deal with him and I don’t know how to get closure.
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Hello, anyone who reads this. I wanted to rant a little because I am feeling at loss. I tried therapy but it’s very expensive and due to circumstances, I don’t feel like spending that kind of money now. So at least I wanted to write it down somewhere, hopefully to clear my thoughts a bit. I will try to be as brief as possible. This is a throwaway account.
My parents, now both in early 60s, got married when they were 18 (dad) and 19 (mum) years old, so dad was still in high school. The reason being that my mum got accidentally pregnant with my older brother and the times back then were such that it was just socially not acceptable for them to not get married. So here they were. According to both of them, their marriage wasn’t great right from the start (cheating, fights, etc..) I honestly have no idea how they managed to stay together and even have a second child more than 10 years after the first one.
My relationship with my dad? I don’t know. It wasn’t all bad. He didn’t block me from doing what I wanted, he taught me how to drive. But also he hit me when I was a kid (actually as late as when I was 16). He’s also someone who is quick to anger. You accidentally spilled some soup? WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DUMB FUCK!!!?? You knocked a chair over? ARE YOU STUPID??!!!! LOOK WHERE YOU’RE GOING!!!
Also sometimes he just ignored you. Like I would be talking to him, usually trying to request he does/doesn’t do something (could you please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher? ~silence~ ) and he would just.. act like you were air. This was incredibly frustrating. And I was RIGHT next to him, his hearing is fine.
Looking back at all the angry yelling and slaps I received growing up, it left me with fear, and 0 self-esteem. He would often yell at me “are you dumb” so I genuinely believe I am stupid.
Also getting slapped at 16 because you want to go to bed earlier and ask him to be quiet is just.. it was so humiliating. I was almost an adult, I didn’t do anything wrong. He just wanted me to shut up and stop bothering him so he slapped me. I think he believes that fear = respect.
Anyway, jump to 2019. I am an adult, working full time but still living with my parents. I was single at the time and have been working for about year and a half. Rents were expensive and I didn’t have friends I could live with and after college I was kinda done living with unknown people as roommates lol. So I figured I could stay with them in their huge house until I would get a higher salary and save up a bit. Also at this point, me and my dad just pretty much ignore each other. We both have our own lives. And even though I lived at home, I cooked for myself, I did my laundry. For cleaning, it was always me and mum. He would never do any chore around the house.
So I was home when I hear my parents fighting downstairs. It was kinda loud. I had a bad feeling, so I go downstairs and right in that moment I see him reaching to hit mom, so I run to stand between them. This makes him hit me instead while yelling at me that “I don’t treat him as a father”. Me and mum escape to a room and shut the door. He cools off eventually and goes to watch TV. At that moment we decided with mom to move out. Which started their year long divorce process.
Now when I was talking about hitting here, it wasn’t anything serious. It wasn’t like we got bruises. But it was.. you know. At the moment you tell yourself if it’s safe to live with a person who is prone to violence like that. During the divorce though, on one occasion, he punched mom in the eye. Now that was really bad. Lots of blood, she had to go to the hospital and her eye was funky for a time. Unfortunately, there was no witness so it didn’t get anywhere. He claims that “she did it to herself”.
After we moved out in late 2019, I had no contact with my dad till spring of 2025. Neither did my brother (he and dad have their own share of painful history) and the whole side of my mum’s family.
The reason I decided to contact him was that I was getting married.
Honestly, I just had one thought: “If he died, I felt like I would regret not talking to him again.”
Even before saying this out loud, my mum actually suggested it also, saying “he is still your dad after all”.
My mum also has a new partner. She also went to therapy for several years. She came a long way and now is like a whole new person. And honestly, even our relationship improved so much. Now she actually has opinions and emotions of her own, before it just seemed like she was saying whatever dad was saying.
Anyway, she’s awesome and I’m so glad they split up and she was able to find a man who treats her well.
I had this thought that I had to somehow close this chapter before starting a new one in my life but I couldn’t imagine having any sort of relationship with him.
So, he comes to the ceremony, and he is very emotional. Meanwhile, he remarried so his new wife comes as well. After the wedding, the 4 of us (dad, his wife, me and husband (30M)) met 2 times, so I had some time to see where we are now. And… nothing changed.
Well, the only thing that changed is that now we are more like strangers, so he treats me nicely. And he acts soooo emotional. Like “my beloved daughter” and other sappy BS that he’s never ever said before.
I think he and his new wife truly match well. But from their talking, I see he treats her the same way he treated me and mum, i.e. yelling at her, calling her stupid because of some trivial non-issue. Like she misplaced an item and he couldn’t find it, that kind of stuff. His new wife seems to be more assertive than my mum, so she looks like she can fight back? And the way they are telling us this is like a “hahaha what a funny anecdote”. ???
So now, I don’t know what to do. Talking with him about the past seems utterly pointless. I can see that our versions of history are different.
I am not even sure what would I want to hear from him?
Maybe, like what are his feelings? Why was he so emotional at the wedding? He did say “thank you for inviting me” but.. yeah, how does he view what happened? Would he ever admit he did something hurtful? What I feel now towards him is just anger. Like how is it that the last words you said to me 6 years ago were “you don’t treat me like a father” while hitting me on the head and suddenly I am your “beloved daughter”?
I guess I wanted some kind of closure. And now what I have is him being super eager on having a relationship with me and meeting often. Acting as if nothing happened. But I don’t think we ever had a normal relationship, I don’t know how to have that with him.
Thank you for reading all the way here. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you communicate what you wanted out of a reunion?