I have some background in my previous post so Im not going to go into too much detail now.
Im 30 and he’s 37, together almost 3 years and living together for 2 years now.
I do the appointments on our cars, maintenance, yardwork, cleaning, laundry, mopping, hoovering, cooking, groceries and overall planning of our lives and what we need and what needs to be done. I also pay all the bills and handle finances, though we contribute 50-50 financially.
He occansionally (once a month) cooks one meal, sometimes empties the dishwasher.
We just recently had yet another discussion of the housework and I asked him to take on more of it, he said of course. In the past days he started doing even less. I was hoovering, cleaning, making dinner and all that while he was watching tv or playing on the computer. This happens alot. He will peel the potatoes or take carpets outside if I ask him, but nothing more
So I went on strike. I have been sitting in our bedroom just relaxing. He was supposed to handle our car’s maintenance appointment, so he came to me and said ”should I call them now and get the appointment?” I said ”however you want to”
He said ”if i get the appointment now, you will have to pick me up”
I said ”okay, let me know then”
He got mad and left.
Couple of days before my strike (this is what kind of broke the camels back) I asked him to make me a shopping list before I left. He sat with his phone and kept asking me ”what do we need”
I kept saying ”i dont know, maybe check”
He kept constantly asking ”what else?”
And I told him to stop using my brain for this. So in the end he only added 5-6 items on the list, most of them were for himself (snacks)
Im so over and done with this bullshit of handling not only my life, but my business and also his life. He takes 0 responsibility for anything and now has the audacity to get angry at me?
Im so pissed right now. Also our house looks disgusting now after just 2 days of striking.
TL;DR : Partner is now mad at me for going on strike as I do 99% of the chores inside and outside of our home including mental load.
Comments
He does not want to change, he will not change. He just wants you to start doing all the stuff again. You can either go back to doing everything or break up. Good luck.
He isn’t going to change. It’s been 2 days and instead of recognising that he’s been lazy he’s angry with you for not continuing to do everything.
Girl. What are you even doing? You’re not benefiting in ANY WAY from this relationship. You would literally be better off on your own – you wouldn’t have to handle his stuff as well. And there’s no possible way this person is a good lover, based on the unbelievable selfishness in this post.
Go to a friend’s house or a hotel for a couple of days and just imagine what it would be like if you were totally single. Just try it on for size (I’m not advocating cheating, just advocating you embrace temporary freedom and your imagination). And then, for the love of Diana, leave his butt.
Not sure what to tell you. If he doesn’t change he doesn’t change.
If this has been the pattern for 2-3 years, this is what the pattern is. Now that you’ve set new expectations, if he isn’t willing to engage, or even make any modification to his behavior – that’s it that’s where you guys are.
And you can decide you’re done or just keep doing all the shit you’ve been doing for the last 2 to 3 years. If he’s not willing to change, that is where you are.
I’ve seen this countless number of times – even in people who have been together20+ years – the partner, usually the wife, but not always, will be like my partner keeps doing this. And I’m like yeah they’ve been doing it for 30 years. They’re not gonna change today….
So you decide – is this OK with you? If it is, then it is OK. And if it’s not, time to move on. But don’t wait this out expecting that in a few years things got better. They won’t.
Man, that’s some heavy duty mental load you’re carrying right there. NGL, sounds like he’s been taking you for granted big time! Going on strike might not be the smoothest move, but it’s legit bringing the issue to the forefront. He’s gotta step up, or step out IMHO. We’re in 2021, not the 1950s, dudes gotta pull their weight too. Keep holding your ground, sis. You deserve better. 💯👊
PS. I’m here with all the snacks if you need to vent more. Drop me a line anytime!
Loving together 2 years.
What I don’t get is why are you doing both gender roles?
Cars, maintenance, yard work, DIY are traditionally masculine.
But he does none of them, what do you get from this arrangement?
I can see why he remains with you, he enjoys being mothered.
But why do you stay?
He doesn’t want a partner. He wants a mommy bang maid.
I would start getting things together to leave.
“Weaponized incompetence is a manipulative tactic where someone feigns incompetence or performs tasks poorly to avoid responsibility and shift the burden onto others. It’s often used to get out of chores, work projects, or other responsibilities. This can lead to resentment and imbalance in relationships..”
He can make an appointment.
He can make a grocery list.
He can clean up after himself.
Does he want to? Not in the slightest which is why it looks like he “can’t” do it.
You’re in ultimatum space. He fixes it or you leave. He’s capable, don’t put up with this, it is taxing for you on every front mental and physical. It’s a miserable place to be in a relationship and you deserve better.
Edit: this was me in a past relationship. A cleaner was even hired at my request even though I had to pay half and it simply did not change the fact that I was the daily maid and mother to a grown ass man. Ya, I left
It doesn’t get better.
I was in a similar situation with an ex. I just wanted him to take his washing to the laundry when the basket in the bedroom was full instead of it always overflowing. He didn’t so I stoped taking it. Took a full month for him to finally take it to the laundry.
I don’t understand how some people can be so incompetent at life.
How does your house look disgusting after 2 days? Does he just throw trash on the floor?