I (30F) have been with my fiancé (30M) for 12 years. We met in school, got engaged 2 years ago and have a 5-year-old daughter together.
He’s a kind man at heart, but he’s a workaholic. Over the past few years, he’s become more and more consumed by work, often staying up late, waking at 3am to work again, falling asleep on the sofa most nights. I’ve asked for help repeatedly but nothing changes.
I work full-time, study in the evenings, exercise to manage stress, and I’m the default parent, every routine, every meltdown, every bedtime, every household task. He promises to help and then just… doesn’t.
Example: The other night he said he’d put our daughter to bed. At 9:30, I found him snoring while she watched cartoons on his phone after he gave her chocolate before bed. She was wired until 10:30PM and I had to take over again.
Last night, I broke down crying. He asked if I wanted to talk. I said no. I was too exhausted to speak and he just went to sleep on the sofa again.
I came downstairs after studying, saw him still asleep (dishes not done like he promised he would do) and quietly took off my engagement ring and left it on the table.
This morning, I got a long message from him. He says he now truly sees the damage, that he’s been emotionally shut down from his own trauma, that he’s been in a dark place and taking me for granted. He says he’ll go to therapy, change how he works, show up better, and is asking for 30 days to prove himself.
And now… I’m torn.
Part of me wants to believe him. It’s everything I’ve wanted him to say, months ago. But another part of me feels like it’s too late. I’ve been holding it all together alone for too long. I’m tired, hurt, and honestly unsure if I even want to try anymore.
So Reddit, I need advice:
Can people really change after years of emotional absence?
Has anyone tried a “trial period” like this? Did it help or just delay the inevitable?
How do I protect myself (and my daughter) emotionally if I do give him this time?
I’m not wearing the ring anymore. I haven’t promised anything. I’m just trying to figure out if there’s anything left worth saving or if I’ve already outgrown this version of us.
Thanks for reading. Any insight or experience is deeply appreciated.
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Honestly emotional trauma – therapy and 30 days don’t mix. He saw the damage, just ignored it. Now he’s just sorry you’re putting your foot down.At least that’s what it looks like to me.
sounds like the pair of you are overworked and your taking it out directly on him he probably fully intends to help but is collapsing due to work have you asked him why he is working so much have you considered going part time or anything like that
Yes, people can change
But it’s hard
And it’s not easy to make permanent, and it usually takes time
Group and individual therapy may help, I’d consider that, and perhaps get some solid advice on how or whether or not to move on
Best of luck
30 days isn’t going to prove anything. He can turn it on for 30 days, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to last beyond that. What’s 30 days against however many YEARS of this behavior from him?
Yes people can change. No I haven’t tried the trial period. You protect your daughter and yourself by evaulating the physical and mentally damage being done to (if any). You don’t gotta put up with anything you don’t want to. But whatever you do or think to do, make sure to think about the long term consequence and effect that might have on your daughter.
You know what happened every time I gave another chance with the promise of change? They did well for some time (max 3 months) and then slowly went back to being shitty. Every. Single. Time.
Don’t fall for this bullshit. Be better than me.
I was in a similar situation. Long-term relationship that after just too much emotional trauma from one thing or the other. We decided to take a break, but it unfortunately did only delay the inevitable. I was already damaged beyond repair in terms of there still being a romantic relationship possible. I officially broke it off after 6 months of therapy and trying. The ship had sailed for me, but depending on you and your partner, maybe something is salvageable. Only you can decide that though
Everybody can change. The difficult part is actually wanting to change. Change is hard and painful. People usually only change if not changing is even more painful.
You protect your daughters by not telling them what’s happening until it’s clear what actually is happening. If you end up leaving, tell them once you’re certain that’s your way. If you give him the chance and he actually does show up, they don’t need to know this happened. If he fails that chance, it’s sufficient to tell them in a month. Children truly suffer when there’s uncertainty and instability. Change hurts, instability causes damage.
For you, frankly, there’s probably no road available that’s not pain and stress. You only get to choose the flavor. I’m sorry.
I think this ultimately comes down to whether you think a functional relationship with him would be worth 30 days of wait. You could also apply additional conditions, like couples therapy.
I gave my ex husband a whole year and nothing changed!
You’ve reached your breaking point, and seems like that’s been an eye opener for him. Yes, it is easy to overlook how SO feels about things like this, especially when it comes to work, as he likely feels that he’s doing his best to provide for his family. Give him that chance, as it’s not like you’re set to lose much in worst case, and hope that he takes potential loss of you very seriously.
Girl he always knew what to do he just didnt want to do it because he didnt give a shit. do not back down. Do not let him call your bluff
Just as an alternative, you don’t have to go along with the 30 days thing. I’m not saying what you should or should not do, but if he’s serious about doing whatever work is required to change and be a better partner, it will take longer than 30 days. One of the things that that could mean, if you wanted it to, is that for now you sort of split (whatever that looks like), and later down the line you can try again when that work is well under way.
I’m not expressing it very well I don’t think but the point I’m trying to make is that you don’t need to make some sort of ‘final’ decision right now, and 30 days is an arbitrary timeline, it could be different. Do what you feel you need to do right now, but whatever you do doesn’t have to be binding for the rest of time
My friend wasted 14 years of her life on a man who kept promising to change and to just give him another chance.
I’m sorry. That sounds exhausting! 12 years together and a 5 year old. I can only say what I would do next so take it as just that.
A series of ultimatums would be clearly set. If he doesn’t meet ANY of them, done.
This is a cumulative response to his cumulative actions. He can only prove he means it with time and consistency, words mean nothing and just buy time. There’s always an excuse or reason. If he means it, he’ll meet these and more. If he doesn’t, he’s not worth another minute of your time & shouldn’t have any custody if he can’t be a responsible parent.
I hope for his sake he can and will change. If he doesn’t he’ll be losing an amazing partner and missing seeing his child grow up.
You told him, repeatedly, that you were unhappy. He didn’t take steps to change until it impacted HIS potential happiness/comfort.
Leaving the ring on the table was you saying “Too late, I’m done “. And now he promises change?
Where was all this when you were begging for help?
He doesn’t listen when you tell him there is a problem. Not until you make it his problem. Is this really the relationship you want? Because it’s the one you’ve got.
It has been years of this behavior, years of your life and his daughters he’ll never get back. Now he only cares when HE stands to lose something, he sure didn’t care when you were a stressed out single parent.
I would leave regardless. It’d be much easier single parenting without a useless couch tumor for a partner and maybe if he does show change you could revisit getting back together in the future. In the meantime, I know I wouldn’t want to deal with his BS.
He’s had 12 years to value, protect and appreciate the life that you both share. You have a child together. Apparently, your 12 year relationship and co-parenting responsibilities did not entice him to “change” sooner (on his own) because he obviously did not feel the need to do so. There is no partnership in this relationship.
It was not until you took off your ring that he realized you might be over the relationship. Now, he understands that “change” is necessary.
If anything, he will do an “about face” as soon as he feels you’re re-committed to trying to work things out. Unfortunately, he lacks the respect, emotional maturity and integrity required to value your commitment.
Regretfully, I have to say that I don’t think you should wait one second longer for him to grow up.
Move on OP!
The most freeing thing I did was to leave the man who neglected my emotional needs over and over again.
was in the hospital for 10 days and he dropped me off and visited me once. But when his friend was in the same hospital, he went every single day.
You’re modeling good behavior for your daughter.
I am better alone. He may step up aa a better parent after you leave (my ex did). And bonus, now, my house is decorated exactly how I like it.
I mean, even if you got past the issues of him not doing housework, being a workaholic, and not being an active parent, you still have to examine why you’re not married after 12 years. Reason: that man doesn’t really like you. He works all day to avoid you and the kid. He didn’t marry you after he knocked you up. And you’re still with him “engaged” after 2 years (you didn’t mention a date or deposit, do we can safely assume you still don’t have a wedding date set). He doesn’t want you he just has a child with you.
Sure. People can change. People can change when they’re about to lose what they’ve kept stagnant for years.
Ask yourself if you want to stay with someone who could have changed all along but chose not to. That’s someone who didn’t give a shit until he did.
So he could make the effort all along but only cared to when it impacted him not just you…
12 of the best years of your life ring fenced with no effort to fully commit is wild, try therapy/counselling.
Consistency is what matters most. People can show up acutely, but consistency reveals who means what they say. In one hand, 12 years was more than enough time. 12 years was enough time to show you who he really is. It’s too late now for him. You’ve already lost the relationship, and he’s only freaking out now because the ring on the table was the final message. In the other hand, and I whole heartedly believe this, people can change. Unfortunate, but sometimes it’s the drastic measures that get people to jump into action. Obviously, I cannot tell you if he’s actually going to or not. Mostly I believe he’s doing this because now he’s feeling the weight of this. He’s panicking. And in an effort to save himself the discomfort, he’s just NOW choosing to do what you’ve been BEGGING for for years. Like someone else said, 30 days ain’t sh*t. More often than not, people will slip back into their old patterns. However, therapy can absolutely help identify these things and give you the tools to manage yourself. I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. Effort and growth are synonymous. You will have to have evidence that he’s actually changing. No one is perfect at changing themselves, and we don’t expect perfection, but progress in and of itself will be evident if he’s truly doing the work. So, you could give him that chance, but you’re also completely entitled to leave….12yrs is a lot of emotional and mental energy drained from you.
Yes 30 days or more. Let him show you with his actions, the words are neither here nor thetr. He probably is depressed that’s why people bury themselves in work. To not feel anything. Anxiety wakes you up at 3 am. Etc. Let him do his work you can give him a couple months and see if he means it. You don’t have to decide today. Or even at any specific time
Life is long. People do change if they want to. Your daughter.
He’s thinking about losing his wife appliance, happiness machine. When men begin losing the woman in the relationship, that does everything, that’s when they panic at the thought of having to take care of themselves. He didn’t care enough before, but now his support is threatened. Typical. Get out of there and live your life. Red flags include this engagement. Could have been just a shut up ring.
This has been a problem for a long time. You’ve told him about it multiple times. If he wanted to change, he would have. He’s had plenty of chances.
He’s only talking about changing now because his inaction is about to deliver consequences. It was never important until it was about to affect him. It was never important to him. All your requests and complaints and troubles were not important to him. Think about that. This is nothing new. You didn’t drop a bomb on him with information he didn’t have before. He knew. It wasn’t important to him.
Don’t listen to the sounds coming out of his mouth. He can say anything he wants. If you want to stick it out a little bit longer, watch his actions. Tell him what you want, but don’t lift a finger to help him do it. You want him to go to therapy? Then he makes the appointments, and he goes – or he doesn’t. You want him to help around the house? You can suggest basic directions, but then watch what he chooses to do. The same with parenting. Let him know when it’s his turn and then watch what he does.
If he really wants to change, he will step up. Otherwise, he will offer excuses. If he steps up, great! Still watch, because if the excuses come back, it must not have been that important to him.
And if you’re honestly done? Go ahead and be done. He could have made these changes at any time. It wasn’t important to him. You don’t have to stick around.
He had 12 years to notice your pain. You’re not obligated to give him 30 more days just because he finally panicked. If you do, make therapy NON-negotiable. But honestly? You’ve already grieved this relationship. It’s okay to leave.
I think you need to look at your problems more holistically. If he’s a workaholic I think that’s fine but he needs to get some help so you aren’t doing everything!
At the end of the day he’s not going to change and honestly it will be more stressful him ‘trying to help’ like the other night.
What you guys need is ‘real help’. Firstly you guys need to think of something you can do to reduce the workload on you both.
-can you reduce your work hours?
-Can you get a cleaner once or twice a week?
-Can you get an afternoon baby sitter 3 times a week to pick up your daughter from school?
-Does your child have sleep problems? Get a sleep consultant.
I feel like there’s a lot of ‘household work’ your family has that nobody is doing which seems to be the main problem.
I tried a trial period with my ex husband. He begged for a chance to change after years of ignoring the signs that our marriage was falling apart.
It nearly drove me into a tailspin because I’d already decided I was done only to try and change my own mind. It made me emotionally and physically sick when he suddenly “changed”. It felt fake and inauthentic. If he was going to change why couldn’t it have been before I gave up? It broke me in a lot of ways to have given up in the first place. I left him in the end, but not after an incident that could have turned into a murder suicide. I got really lucky considering…
I don’t tell you that to scare you but to have you see what one of the bad scenarios can look like. You don’t have just yourself but also your daughter. If you’re done, that’s okay. If you don’t want to change your mind that’s okay. Just be safe about how you move forward. Even the best men can break when losing their families.
If you do choose to stay, not only do you both need couples therapy, you both need individual therapy. Scratch that, either way you and kiddo need therapy to process the changes and what it means for your futures. But if you stay? You need to be sure HE is getting therapy and you both are going to couples counseling.
Be safe, take care, and I wish you and your daughter all the best.
I was you 16 years ago. Only difference is my husband was putting us into financial ruin as well. When a woman is done, she is usually done. She has waited for him to step up, make the change, put action to the verbage. It takes on average, 2 months to change a habit. If you still love him and he’s willing to change, make it two months. My boyfriend now is willing to make the changes. It doesn’t happen over night, but he’s trying. My ex told me he knew he had changed, but if I didn’t like it, I could leave. So, I did.
So he can work himself to death for everything else — but somehow never mustered up the energy for you and his daughter?
He made the same choices over and over again. It would take some serious effort to change all of that.
30 days ain’t shit.
The kind of dramatic change in behavior, personality, worldview and sensitivity needed here will take years. Not mere weeks. Do you have years of patience left in you?
And I can tell you as someone who is currently married to someone with a wide variety of addictions, most addicts simply transfer their behaviors from one drug to another. If his drug of choice is work, it is likely that he will replace that addiction with something equally consuming. Whether it’s a hobby or an expensive collection/buying things or sex or drugs or alcohol, if he isn’t approaching this from a mindset of recovery, the new addiction will present a new set of problems.
And if he does have a history of trauma, addiction goes hand-in-hand. Is he realistically prepared to handle both major life changes as well as addressing deep trauma? Because you can’t really separate them.
It sounds like you have been very patient and he has taken advantage of your good graces.
People can change. But not overnight.
Everything you feel is all valid. That seems like a very frustrating and heartbreaking situation to be in. But have you two ever had a sit down “get it all out there” conversation where you have told him exactly what you are feeling? If not, I would say one: have that conversation…like now, and two: giving him time to prove himself is a great idea but 30 days is not the timeframe, that’s just setting both of you up for failure. It needs to be longer, I’d say at least 6 months. Sometimes people need to see that ring to come off to understand the seriousness of the situation.
Counseling please if you can, both individuals and couple. I wish you luck and strength!
Yes people can change. My husband is a different person (for the better) than he was when I married to. However they need to want to change for themselves. And change takes a long time. It’s so hard to get out of these familiar and comfortable patterns. It’s been 12 years of this. Are you willing to wait anything 12 for meaningful changes?
Hello. I suggest you put the ring back on and give him the 30days. How will leaving him in a relationship solve the problem??? I like to solve problem(s) / issue(s). I will tell you this… You are not legally married to him and are considered a common-in-law partner. Do you know what the difference(s) are of a separation of a CIL partner VS being married? A engagement is not married.Yes it is nice you have a daughter and that is a full time job as well, hehe. Okay 3am to 9pm = 18 -24 =6HR. That is okay I did fine on 6hrs of sleep as well.
You have Two options here….
Stay Or leave:
Stay = He is present , hopefully sex , his full income
Leave = You will be %100 responsible for that home all by your self. rent, bills, daughter
Court decision: = Minus child support payments: %15 chance spousal support: Minus visitation rights:
–If you Win or If it is in your favor… I have seen the courts favor the man so do not jump to conclusions
Not married = Do not get : half of property value : inheritance if any : half of retirement pension
If you wish to %100 know what a CIL seperation looks like you can call the lawyer OR a woman shelter OR a poilce officer…. as they would know as well from others experiance.
He saw you exhausted. He saw you crying. He saw you frustrated. He knows that he is not pulling his weight. He knows that he leaves all of the housework and child care to you. None of that was enough to change his behavior to be an active and present partner. He only promised change when the consequences affected HIM. It’s been 12 years. He’s dangling a 30 day carrot to get you to not upset his comfort.
If he was truly concerned with your wellbeing he wouldn’t try to keep you in the relationship. He would recognize that he’s failed you as a partner and go do the work on himself. Then try to come back and ask you to give him a chance if he was serious. But he’s not doing that. He’s trying to keep you in this situation because it benefits him. He will always do what benefits him. You’re going to have to choose yourself, because he won’t.
He needs serious therapy whether you stay or go. And quite frankly you need the same.
Whatever you decide, OP, I wish the best for you.
It’s way past too late. I don’t trust the words of a man who only starts changing when he’s about to lose everything. A mature man who loves you and his family would change instantly after the first chance you give.
Don’t waste time. Just move on.
My last ex and I were together for a decade. No kids thankfully, but we got engaged two years into the relationship but never ended up married because he never fully divorced his ex wife.
He started out great – kept his place clean, made dinners, planned dates sometimes. But that slowly changed when we moved in together. Eventually I was doing everything to maintain the house and the pets while he made excuses (like his ADHD) why he couldn’t.
In the last year, he started treating me like a nuisance if I interrupted his gaming to ask a question and he stopped being able to have sex – with me. After about eight months of no sex, all the housework and pet care, and being dismissed, I was done. When I finally opted to leave, he begged and pleaded for me to stay. We went to couples therapy, he started personal therapy – and for a couple weeks he was able to do chores again and take the pets to the vet. But my resentment was too strong. Every time I saw him do the dishes, it just reminded me of the years I begged and cried for his help but he didn’t. When he made dinner, I couldn’t stomach that he was always capable of doing things, I just didn’t deserve an equal partner in his mind.
I tried for a couple weeks and then pulled the plug. And within two weeks of the breakup, he was dating another woman (so I had to schedule my moving out around his planned dates).
My advice – don’t do it. He’ll change, temporarily, and then go right back to his usual habits. He’s only trying now because there’s a threat to his stability.
Try launching some tangible changes you want to see right now.
Small, manageable stuff.
Make it very clear that if you sense that he is starting to try slip back into his old ways, it’s over.
Add more things as you go along. He wants to keep you? He needs to show it with actions and keeping his word. Actions become habits after all.
Note: this is an actionable suggestion and will require you to put emotion aside. If you cant, walk away.
I mean you’ve been with him for 12 years. Give it 6months, go to couples counselling as well as his own therapy and see where you’re at. If he truly wants to change then let him, but you’ll realise very quickly if he actually wants to or not, way before the end of the 6 months
He’s not sorry he’s been doing it; he’s sorry you’re finished.
Stand your ground. 30 days won’t prove anything.
12 years of not stepping up and he is suddenly going to change in 30 days? He will do well for the 30 days but 100% will revert back to his normal because years of this is his normal.
He can change briefly, but probably just to hook you into staying, and then he’ll go back to his own habits. He didn’t take you seriously all this time and he liked the status quo of you being miserable and doing everything for him. If he can return to a life with you carrying the lion’s share of responsibility and childcare, he will.
I haven’t been in exactly the same scenario, but any time I had a “this needs to change or we will need to break up” talk, they were incredibly apologetic and swore they’d improve, but were ultimately unable to. Most people have default behaviour and he showed you his. I would lose all respect and love for someone who did that to me.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who only “decided to change” when he realized he might be inconvenienced. Clearly my happiness and needs meant nothing. It’s why I walked away from a long marriage.
Also, change is unlikely to be sincere.
I knew I was still struggling with trauma going into my current relationship and have already been in therapy for years prior. And I knew going into it I needed specialty help and found someone before we even got together. Therapy isn’t a bandaid fix-all solution that starts working after a month either. He should have been in therapy years ago from the sounds of it and now he’s scrambling to keep you tethered probably from a combination of convenience and emotions and therapy is the bait-word he knows you’ll fall for. Don’t. I know you don’t want to end a long-standing relationship but a man who is genuine and right for you wouldn’t promise to change, he’d already be actively working on himself to be the best partner for the relationship.
He doesn’t want to change
He just doesn’t want to pay child support
If he is only now thinking of changing when it might cost him something, when he never cared about the cost to you, this change will be temporary. He was unmoved by your unhappiness; he is motivated now because he does not want to be inconvenienced by your absence. I don’t think he’s a bad person, I don’t think he’s trying to hurt you. I think he simply does not feel connected to you, and therefore does not think of your feelings. He lived alongside you all these years and never saw you. Asking you for even more time now, when he’s been content to live alongside you in blissful ignorance of the stress you carry, is just another shade of selfishness.
This has been a trying week for me at work, and I slept through my alarm yesterday. My husband got up with me (earlier than he needed to) and made my lunch while I was in the shower. He got my to go cup out of my car and washed it and made me a coffee, and stuck a granola bar in my bag. He did my usual morning chore of unloading the dishwasher. I didn’t ask him for any of this, and he didn’t act like it was a medal-worthy sacrifice. We show up for each other like this every day, because we are emotionally connected. I think of him, he thinks of me. It’s not instinctual, it’s a conscious choice to consider each other.
He saw the damage but only cares now that it affects him. He was fine with letting you have an acceptable amount of stress, an acceptable amount of suffering…
No. He showed you who is he or how he acts through YEARS. Abusers can put on a mask for a long time until the they drop their mask. Not saying he’s an abuser but I’m saying it’s no big feat to change your behavior for a month. What will happen when he backtracks? No.
Is he a workaholic because it financially benefits your family, or is he using work simply to avoid the “household” duties that he doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel it his job to do?
30 days of therapy is not going to “fix” him, but if he’s actually willing to go and make an effort, that’s a very small start. Personally I would take a break and get some distance, share custody so he understands what you do in caring for a house and a child. If in 6 months of therapy you’re seeing significant, consistent change then there might be a shot at repairing this.
You’ve already outgrown the current relationship.
The question is whether you want and he has what you’d want in a new relationship.
You’re not the same people you were when you met and you’ve already spent several years overfunctioning. You sound exhausted and rightly so.
I think a break up is right. If he wants to get his life together, you’re not stopping him. And it would give you time to focus on yourself for a change. You would also be able to insist on actual coparenting.
Goes without saying you shouldn’t resume the engagement unless you see permanent change, which would take more time than he thinks if it’s genuine.
My hunch is you’re right to step back. Don’t get trapped in looking back or allowing things to go back to how they were. Build something new with him or without him.
Honestly, 30 days of trying is nothing compared to the 4300+ days he could have been trying, but couldn’t be bothered. Only you can decide whether the weight of thousands of days of disappointment is too much, and you can’t give any more but, if you decide to give him a chance, stay strong in your expectations, and don’t be fooled by his words. This isn’t about the the next 30 days, it’s about the possibility of the thousands that come after. Updateme!
He’s had 4,380 days to change. He didn’t. What makes you think the next 30 is going to make a difference?
12 years. TWELVE. YEARS. You are 30 years old. Your daughter is learning that how daddy treats mommy is normal. That when she’s a young woman, she has to wait over a decade just for a shutup ring and broken promises. Please don’t let this man waste another nanosecond of your time. She deserves better and so do you.
They always go back to their old ways.
Some people have to hit rock bottom to really be ready to change. Symbols are more important to emotions than people often realize. Finding that ring allowed emotions other than the darkness to break through.
Is it too late? That is really only something you can answer. Personally, I don’t think you would have asked that question if you really felt it is too late. But, I am not you.
You clearly need a change. The status quo was not healthy or sustainable for anyone. You have outgrown that version of the relationship. All of that is absolutely true and completely valid.
Whether or not his decision to both admit the problem, admit to the cause, and seek a better way to handle his problems is a change that you can deal with is a question only you can answer. Either way, the original form of the relationship is over. You’re not considering a continuation of the relationship. Returning is starting a new relationship as he learns to be a new person.
If you do choose to walk this path with him, you need to have realistic expectations. 30 days is just the start. The average time it takes to change a habit for a normal, healthy person is 90 days. The problem here is that this is not just a “habit” to break. This is going to be a journey. There will be setbacks and roadblocks. It isn’t always going to be pleasant. Mental health recovery can be extremely difficult for a partner. There are no guarantees in life. He may not recover. But choosing to seek help does offer the best possible chance of healing.
If you stay, I strongly advise you seek out your own therapist. You’ll need perspective and support.
Yeah, no. You begged him to help and he didn’t give a shit until it affected him. He can and should go to therapy, but he should do it for himself. If, in a few years, you guys want to try again, maybe you can make it work, but not now. You need a break and probably some therapy of your own.
My dad changed after the divorce. He’s a different man
Manipulation. He’s only doing it to keep you around. If he couldn’t change and be healthy before hand and if he’s not doing it for himself, it’ll never stick. Anyone can “fake it” for 30 days. This is just prolonging the inevitable and keeping you from moving on with your life. It’s VERY selfish of him.
You need to break this cycle, if not just for yourself then for your daugher.
He needs to leave now. If he changes, great. But if can’t be for you. And you can’t hold your breath.
I would see that as an addiction, as such is not a 30 days solution as many mentioned. If he wants to change for him he can do it, but don’t think the change he may do in 30 days will be a complete change, he may start little by little, is on you if you want to be there to help him or not during the process.
Even if you are not legally married, if you are thinking about it, this will apply to the part where you accept to be with him for him when he is down. Are you really committed to this man?
He had plenty of time to change before this. Whats different now? Nothing. And thats how much change he will do. None.
Whether you want to continue this relationship or not I think some time apart would be really beneficial. Living apart, split time with little one, and date again for a bit. A longer probationary period – because a month is not enough.
OMG this sounds like me. My husbands does the exact same. I keep telling him Id rather have his time than the extra money. Plus when you work to that level
of exhaustion you do poor work at work and home. I told my husband its his responsibility as an adult to manage where he puts his energy so that he is present at work and home and isnt burdening me with picking up his slack so I can maintain my balance. I told him he was failing at his husband and father jobs. It helped a bit.