I (30F) have been with my fiancé (30M) for 12 years. We met in school, got engaged 2 years ago and have a 5-year-old daughter together.
He’s a kind man at heart, but he’s a workaholic. Over the past few years, he’s become more and more consumed by work, often staying up late, waking at 3am to work again, falling asleep on the sofa most nights. I’ve asked for help repeatedly but nothing changes.
I work full-time, study in the evenings, exercise to manage stress, and I’m the default parent, every routine, every meltdown, every bedtime, every household task. He promises to help and then just… doesn’t.
Example: The other night he said he’d put our daughter to bed. At 9:30, I found him snoring while she watched cartoons on his phone after he gave her chocolate before bed. She was wired until 10:30PM and I had to take over again.
Last night, I broke down crying. He asked if I wanted to talk. I said no. I was too exhausted to speak and he just went to sleep on the sofa again.
I came downstairs after studying, saw him still asleep (dishes not done like he promised he would do) and quietly took off my engagement ring and left it on the table.
This morning, I got a long message from him. He says he now truly sees the damage, that he’s been emotionally shut down from his own trauma, that he’s been in a dark place and taking me for granted. He says he’ll go to therapy, change how he works, show up better, and is asking for 30 days to prove himself.
And now… I’m torn.
Part of me wants to believe him. It’s everything I’ve wanted him to say, months ago. But another part of me feels like it’s too late. I’ve been holding it all together alone for too long. I’m tired, hurt, and honestly unsure if I even want to try anymore.
So Reddit, I need advice:
Can people really change after years of emotional absence?
Has anyone tried a “trial period” like this? Did it help or just delay the inevitable?
How do I protect myself (and my daughter) emotionally if I do give him this time?
I’m not wearing the ring anymore. I haven’t promised anything. I’m just trying to figure out if there’s anything left worth saving or if I’ve already outgrown this version of us.
Thanks for reading. Any insight or experience is deeply appreciated.
Comments
You’ve carried this alone for too long if you give him 30 days make it clear it’s his last shot and only watch what he does not what he says.
You’ve been with this man for twelve years engaged, two with a five year old, and he’s asking you for a thirty day trial?
You also said I think i’m done. Sounds like you’re unsure.
He told you what he’s willing to do in 30 days. Let’s see if he does it. If not, you’ll have your answer.
I don’t think thirty days is too much to ask.
I’m not saying, put your ring back on.I’m just saying see what he’s willing to do in the next thirty days.
You’ve been strong for a long time. Change can happen, but only if he truly follows through. If you give him time, set clear boundaries to protect yourself and your daughter. Trust your gut you deserve peace.
If he really wanted to change, he would have my now. He’s only claiming to want to change to delude you into staying.
Honestly, I have doubts that he had a change of heart overnight when this has been happening for years. If he was going to clean up his act he would have done so a while ago, especially if you’ve had a breakdown before. With that being said, you do not have to give him a chance and even if you are considering it, I know personally that if you hold any resentment towards a problem, it does more harm than good to pretend everything will just be fine. NTA, and don’t give him a chance if you feel too hopeless that things will be fixed because that mindset tells you that you have already begun to move on
NTA, he hasn’t been doing his part in the relationship. The 30 day trial period could work if he tries and if the problems are actually rooted in trauma therapy could change stuff. Plus while he’s trying to improve you could use those 30 days to prepare for what’s to come if he doesn’t start to pull his weight.
No. You have already sacrificed yourself, your mental health, and your energy. Even if he means it, I think you owe it to yourself to split. It will be good for both of you as well.
It’s completely valid to feel like it might be too late. Emotional neglect over years builds deep wounds, and the burden you’ve been carrying sounds exhausting. Thirty days isn’t a magic fix, but if you do decide to give him that time, make it clear it’s his only chance—and that your mental and emotional well-being come first.
You have a common law husband. A 30 day trial period is reasonable to see if he is going to be committed to you and your child. Do not put your ring back on your finger. Good luck to you
NTA he just wanted a permanent fiancée, not a wife.
The way he’s treated you is more disrespectful than cheating. And he is probably cheating and lying to you as well.
You’ve already carried so much for so long, and it shows how strong and loving you are not just for your partner, but especially for your daughter. It’s okay to be tired. Wanting change before it hurts this much is completely valid. If you do give him 30 days, make it on your terms. Protect your peace, set clear expectations, and watch actions, not words. People can change but only if they choose to, and not just to stop you from leaving. You deserve partnership, not just promises. Sending strength.
NTA. If you’ve sunk 12 years into this and already have a daughter, what’s 30 more days? Yes, people can, and do, change, but will he? Imo, it’s worth a 30-day trial. Just let him know the ball is in his court.
You’ve been doing so much on your own, and it’s completely okay to feel tired and unsure. Change is possible, but it has to be real and consistent. Take care of yourself first, and only give him a chance if it truly feels right for you and your daughter.
It’s not 30 days it’s forever. He can’t think I changed for 30 days, tick, go back to how I was.
Couples counselling is a must, now.
I’m not sure you really want to end it, you need support and him to show up every day.
What’s 30 days in the scheme of it, it’s going to take you that long at least to get yourself sorted. I think you should still look at what your options are and let him know that you’re doing so, he’ll know you’re more than serious then!
YWBTA if you stay with this cretin. Prepare for some Tough Love, my Queen.
THIS IS WHO HE IS. He had TWELVE YEARS to change and hasn’t. He is telling you what you need to hear, and will revert to his normal behavior once he is sure his ploy has worked and you aren’t leaving.
When someone ahows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
You already have one kid with this asshole. If you stay, you will be right back on here in five years, crying about the very same issues, except now you have multiple children and can’t afford to support them by yourself if you leave. We see you every day, multiple times. Desperate women who were soothed with lies, bought the bullshit and stayed for more. PLEASE don’t be one of them.
Go to your nearest domestic violence center or social services office. They will help you make a plan to leave, help you file for child support and child custody and get a job if you don’t have one.
He will get angry, accuse you of all sorts of things (edpecially chesting), then beg, cry and possibly threaten to harm himself. Probably in that order. Don’t be a sucker and fall for it.
When he sees you are serious, he will beg and promise to change. If you fall for his bullshit, he will seem to do it for awhile. He will treat you like his golden queen…….until he is sure you believe it and are staying. Then he will slowly start to resume his former behavior. This is called the Cycle of Abuse. Victim gets fed up and leaves, abuser panics and begs, victim falls for it and stays, abuser reverts. Over and over again in circles.
If this is the life you want, by all means stay. If not, smarten up and get out now, before that one child becomes four more and you can’t leave.
Your choice.
Well it depends,if he has a repeating pattern of him saying”I’m gonna do better from here on out” but has no improvement throughout your relationship then I say call it quits if he’s prone to that behavior,his actions must align with his words.
NTAH
NTA studies show people’s personalities don’t generally change after age 16. He will be like this forever
NTA whatever you decide
This sounds like a lot of challenges and too much to do alone – both your life and rekindling any relationship with your fiancé.
Please consider couples therapy. This as you say he’s a good person overall, has been rocked by your desire to quit, you seem to have affection for him AND as you have a child together, you need to have some sort of relationship. Therapy won’t ensure you stay together but it will help you renegotiate the relationship, whatever that ends up being.
It’s very unlikely that he will change. Most likely things will get better for a week or two then he is going to slide back to his previous habits. I’d say you should probably get your ducks in a row and get ready to leave because you are essentially a single parent already.
If you want to try the trial period you could, it would probably help with lingering what-if feelings you might have later on… what if I stayed, what if he truly changed etc. If by some miracle he is the one percent that can truly get his shit together and keep his shit together in the long run kudos to him, if he doesn’t beat the odds you can say that you tried everything you could.
Leave him, you have already wasted 12 years on him.
I doubt he’s genuinely changed. I think it’s more likely that he’s been able to fob you off with just promises so far. Now you’ve escalated you’re communication of distress, so he’s escalated the remorseful response to pull you back in.
I’m an addict in recovery, so my opinion may be a little biased. But basically, I think there needs to be a high level of either desperation or distress to make someone genuinely commit to changing ingrained habits. It takes repeated effort over and over and over again to make changes. A sudden moment of clarity is rarely enough on its own. Also if he’s a ‘workaholic’ in an addict sense, then he’s immersing himself in work to avoid more difficult or emotionally charged things, so changing won’t happen easily.
Your BF is not a good partner or parent. Even if he is actually remorseful, it’s unlikely he has any idea just how much better he needs to do.
I would strongly recommend you
If he’s serious about change then he’ll do those things, and he’ll consistently prioritize his time with your child, with you and in counseling. If he starts slipping, making excuses, having to cancel because of work emergencies etc etc – then you have your answer.
ETA -fixed formatting. Happy to talk more as well.
That type of change can only come from within. Deep within. A personal change that he wants to do, apart from you asking him to. Based on what you described, I’m guessing he really wants to change in the moment, and was sincere in his offer, but he may not even know if he’s capable yet. I made a huge mistake once, and from that day forward every single moment has been different. I didn’t even have to try, I just was. I was a different man. And still am. It was a true change of heart. If he’s had that change of heart, it will show in every moment. You’ll know. It won’t take 30 days. Good luck. NTA.
You move on. You’ve waited long enough.
So he can steal another 12 years of your life? No, you saw the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s still where you should head
After 30 days, then what?
Some times guys just need a lil shove in the right direction, this will make him return to his good old ways like when the relationship first started. Trust the process, don’t listen to these not married, single, unhappy people
Behaviour is a language.
Because you have a child together, give him the 30 days. If you want this to work you have to keep communicating your needs. You’ll set him up to fail if he doesn’t know how to reaffirm your trust in him. It’s not your job to smooth the way for him but you do have to show him the beginnings of the path he should take. What he does with the information is entirely up to him.
I believe people can modify their behaviours both physically and emotionally when they have the knowledge and tools to know how to do so. It’s why I think therapy works. You might call it changing but I call it evolving.
A part of you has hope that he will show up. That’s not a bad thing. Heartbreaks are going to keep coming at us all, we can’t control that but if we let fear hold us back, we will never get the rewards for our bravery.
Temper your expectations but don’t wed yourself to him failing. You have to show up too for this to work because you need to be a team.
NTA for not wearing the ring right now.
Yes.. i did. The trial periods made it very clear that nothing will change. It will just mean that you broke up after 13 years together instead of 12.
But it does help you in justifying that you tried EVERYTHING and it still didn’t work so it’s good that you left.
Because he’s already setting up the guilt trip here. “He tried to work on himself to keep the family together.. you just gave up instead of giving him one more month.” Don’t fall for it.. it’s mean and manipulative.
Edit to add: NtA
Keep going. It won’t last
This is manipulation. He knew all along what you needed but is only now offering it because you have one foot out the door. My ex husband did the same. Suddenly he was willing to go to therapy and not see her anymore.
NTA but perhaps use the 30 days to get your ducks in a row, consult a divorce lawyer (re financial separation and custody), sort your finances, start looking for a new home (for you or him), and get started on therapy.
At the end of the 30 days, you can decide to leave, stay, or trial another 30 days
And so 30 days pass and he’s a perfect boyfriend. Then day 31 he starts to backslide. 3 months later he’ll be back to his old self. He had 12 years to change and didn’t so why would he now? He sees your ring on the table and now he understands? He didn’t understand when you were constantly asking for help? He didn’t understand when you were crying from exhaustion? I think you’ve put enough time into this relationship. Seek 50/50 custody and enjoy your child free time while he learns what it’s like to work full time and do all the cooking cleaning and child care. Then maybe he’ll understand. Maybe
If he really wants to change then his actions will speak for him. I’d personally give him no more time. He’s had enough years I’d say. Hard call but I’d be kicking him to the curb personally. Good luck.
Something people need to be hit hard to change themselves. 1 month is not long so it’s worth giving it a shot, however make sure that it is his last chance and if he reverts back it’s game over without any notice or chance for recovery.
Ideally put it in writing and let him sign (that sometimes helps to makes sure things really make it deep into the brain) and put it on the fridge or in a prominent spot to remind him.
Considering you’ve been together for so long, giving 30 days could be acceptable. But if I were you I would have iron clad rules and stick to them.
NTA. You’re basically a single mother already, with a grown up child on the side.
Everyone else has given you good advice. You decide what is best for your situation, but don’t stay just because you feel you’ve invested so much time already. It’s not too late for you to make a new start.
Best wishes for you and your daughter.
He was happy to keep going this way despite your unhappiness for years.
Only when it was going to cost him the comfort and convenience of having you around did he pay lip service to change.
If he actually had cared how things were affecting you, he would have done things differently.
So no, you can’t believe him now.
It would be easier to be a single parent and have him pay child support. Plus you’d get alternate weeks or even the occasional weekend off if he has joint custody.
Don’t believe him. He’ll change for a bit and go back. 90% of the time this is the pattern of behaviour with people like this. They’re great at getting people to not break up with them, horrible at follow through once they think the person won’t leave. And a constant reminding situation isnt a relationship. It’s a job you aren’t getting paid for. Deadweight. It’s makes your life worse, not better.
If you really want to give him a chance, do it separately and not while living together a d while broken up.
Tell him you’ll reconsider the breakup if he manages to do what he promised consistently for a year without you in the home. (So he knows it’s serious, even this rarely works but it will give you your best chance and put you in the best situation to walk away easily if he doesn’t change). Does equal childcare and manages to maintain his home alone for a year to an adequate level. Then consider marrying him. Only then.
30 days does not change 12 years of neglect. I repeat. 30 days does not change over a decade of neglect. This relationship is over. Start protecting yourself and your kiddo. Proud of you for taking this step. I know it is hard. I myself am restarting over with an 11 year old. You can do it and you will. You’ve already carried this entire family and household on your back alone, you’d be surprised how much lighter it feels when you drop the man who adds to your issues instead of sharing the issues.
The question you need to ask is do you love him? What is his job that is so important? Yes people can change if it comes from their own will. Make life easier where you can. Get a dishwasher and get a cleaner for even a couple of hours a week. This might not work but you can say you tried. You need therapy. He sounds extremely stressed and living on his own world: why even get engaged if you have waited 12 years to marry???
You already left emotionally. The ring on the table was just the moment your heart caught up with your reality.
12 years, a child, work, study, solo parenting you’ve been showing up, every single day. Now that you’re done, he’s suddenly waking up. That’s not growth, that’s fear of loss.
Change is possible but it’s slow and messy, and it can’t be proven in 30 days. A pattern built over years doesn’t vanish with promises. If you do give him a chance, do it with boundaries: therapy for both of you, a timeline that makes sense for you, and most of all zero guilt for walking away if you still feel empty.
You don’t owe him your exhaustion anymore. You owe yourself peace.
NTA.
I was that partner once, more or less. Eventually, it killed that relationship.
I’m a better partner now, but that former (and fortunately childless) relationship was probably beyond saving.
Can’t tell you what to do but can tell you what I would do. I would stay and give him the 30 day trial because it seems like you’re invested and still in love just exhausted from the chores of life and motherhood. But, having said this, I would not give another chance. Whether it’s 60 days or 3 yrs down the line and he stops again then I’m done no questions asked.
In all honesty, what’s another 30 days. That’s a month to see if he can keep his word and step up. I don’t think is a “who is the AH” situation here, but something has got to give and it’s up to him to prove he can. You sound a bit unsure anyway, so it’s 30 days to see how things go and for you to also assess how you are really feeling. Maybe some counselling for you as well to help you cope with the stress a little better.
I have set myself time limits in the past. For me, nothing really changed, apart from more subterfuge to disguise unsavoury behaviour. If you know that you’re done, just move on
For me, it would be far too little too late. For the seriousness of the situation to only get through to him when you returned your engagement ring is not OK.
Perhaps he can move out while he works on himself, and he can visit for dates (with you and / or your child)? That might make him prioritise self-improvement, and also to realise that the time he has with you and / or your child is actually precious and he needs to treat it as such. Having to look after his own home, laundry, cooking will also help him to see how much you were taking on.
You’ve gone this long, why not give him the extra 30 days and see if he means what he says. Don’t put your ring back on though, that’s a symbolic gesture. You could start wearing it again when he’s proved he’s truly changed.
Sounds like he needs therapy for starters, might help you as well to get some
Good luck, I hope it works out for you all
NTAH
I think there’s no going back from this. You gave him too many chances. He wants 30days? Give him that, but don’t expect anything. He won’t change and that will give you a hard push to leave him without feeling bad…
And if he is suddenly better and not being a turd, Then let me tell you he was playing with you to see how much you can take… That’s also not good. So leave this turd…
Updateme
Anyone can do anything for 30 days. Let’s give him 3-4 months and see if he can keep up the schtick
His behaviour isn’t going to change, he night make an effort to be more present, more of what ypu want him to be, and you’ll find he will start slipping back i to his old routines and habits as time goes by.
The problem is that anyone can change for a month or 2. It’s always when they think they’ve won you back that they slide back to their old behaviour; and then you e lost even more time. You had already told him what you needed from him. It shouldn’t take you being one foot out the door to make him decide to give a damn about you and your feelings. Personally, I’d probably continue planning to leave, and leave it up to him if he really wants to change, whether you stay or go.
Problem is he’ll do it for 30 days then slip back to where you are now.
Only give him another shot if you think you can handle being disappointed yet again.
At the least I would require marital & individual counseling for him, with clear boundaries & expectations.
And let him know you won’t be directing him on what needs to be done at home. If he’s going to be a committed mate & father, it’s up to him to DO what needs to get done, & give you some time for yourself.
NTA. I would probably give him the 30 days but very clear that this is his final chance and if he goes back to being bad, that’s it, you’re out.
Often people have to lose everything to change. It’s not perfect and it shouldn’t come to that, but if you doing this has pulled him out of his slump and he really does change that’s good. Very delayed, but still good.
Personally I would give him a chance. I mean its taken me 20 odd years to get my partner to take over the dishwasher completely. Now I gotta work on the laundry. I’ll check back in 20 years. hahaha
But really, give him the 30 days, add couples counseling in it and see where you are. That time also gives you time to think more and make sure the decision you make is really what you want.
Tough one…. It finally broke his shell you taking off the ring, but 30 days is too little unfortunately you been waiting years might as well give him the 30 but 30 would only be the start of it . You need to make sure He understands within those 30 days he has started a concrete process working towards change and growth but after the 30 days it’s not done it must continue and if isn’t YOU are GONE because his thing must a long term commitment to growth and responsibility…. He may have been raised by parents who had very strict roles or expectations and got in that rut but if he wants to be a true man he has to grow and get a better understanding of being a Husband and Father ….you also didn’t say why it took so to get engaged or married
Therapy. Couples and individual. Dont put that ring on until you see real change. Actions not words.
30 days is like 2-4 visits with a therapist which will barely be scratching the surface. After 30 days what happens? He goes back to ignoring you and your daughter again? He not only needs to be a better partner but a better father. Why should you even have to ask him to put her to bed? He should want to step up for his daughter. She’s not something on a to-do list.
Why give him 30 days to change? Give him one day, change has to be instant. End the engagement, and tell him you’re starting over, with or without him. Whether he chooses to propose again some time in the future, and whether you choose to accept the proposal, should rely on lasting change in your relationship, and whether he proves himself reliable to retain that change as the new normal.
NTA- Use the 30 days to prepare yourself to leave. If you need to find a new place, it would take you the 30 days to find a new place,pack up and move.
Why didn’t he at least talk to you about being in this dark place? Then you would have know what was going on in his head. Especially since you both have a young daughter.
Personal experience: such men don’t change. He might say 1 month trial period, of course he can power through 1 month and be the best person alive . But what about after? I’m telling you after facing the same promises from my own partner – things were never consistent.
Even if you do want to give the relationship a chance, separate from him. Live apart and give the both of you time to heal and think things through. Most of the time, a few months of separation proves what a person really wants. In that period, you can find yourself either wanting him back or wanting to completely break it off. Either choice will be fine. As for him, in that period, he can report his changes to you, report his sessions to his therapist and what work he has been putting in, report to you what he did throughout the day and so on. These reports aren’t about monitoring him, but rather, seeing him and his actions from a distance on what changes he’s been making.
While you can observe him from afar, you can also keep your own sanity in your personal space by not relying on him at all.
But in any sense, 1 month trial period is bs. If he has trauma, it doesn’t heal within a month and make a person completely change, no matter how much therapy they take.
All the best to you and your baby.
30 days is not enough time for someone to improve themselves in this many ways plus he’s not showing up in major scenarios. If he wanted to quit smoking, 30 days could work. But get past trauma and undo awful parenting and relationship habits in 30 days? Nope. Don’t buy it.
It’s been 12 years and a whole cold and NOW he wants to change?
Nothing but petty words to bait the hook so he can reel you back in and ultimately not have to take responsibility. You’ll go back, he’ll do better for a couple weeks then go right back to his old ways. Don’t fall for it.
I’m sure I will get downvoted, but you have a child. You owe it to them. Yes, 30 days is only a start.
You’re basically married at this point. The ceremony is merely a formality.
If you leave are things going to improve? Your still going to be the default parent, your still going to be working full time, your still going to be studying in the evening to improve yourself, your still going to be exercising to relieve stress.
What you’re not going to have is another body, however useless, that’s there to look after your daughter while you study and exercise. Dishes, washing, cleaning, cooking and shopping are never going to get done if you don’t do them.
Take the 30 days, don’t put your engagement ring back on for those 30 days to show how serious you are and while he is making his efforts you make your plans to ensure that if you leave you’re not jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Leave with a plan not a temper
I say this all the time to people in these situations: Behaviour is a language. LISTEN to what that language is telling you.
From where I’m sitting, his behaviour is saying that you and your kid are the very BOTTOM of his priority list, when you DESERVE to be at the top.
And say you do give him the 30 days to ‘prove’ himself like he’s asking. Say he does improve. What does that behaviour tell you? It tells you that he was perfectly CAPABLE of doing those things BEFORE you took off your ring, but that he didn’t WANT to. He ONLY wants to now, because his apathy and disregard for you and your needs is finally going to have a direct impact on the cushy life he’s grown accustomed to. He’s not doing it for you as a couple, he’s doing it for HIM because he doesn’t want to lose his live-in bangmaid.
So even if he does ‘change’ I can promise you it won’t stick. It will only stick long enough for you to think that you’re ‘good’ and then I can guarantee he’ll slide right back into those habits. He has to realize that the way he is now makes him a really shitty partner and he has to WANT to change that because he wants to be a better partner, not because he doesn’t want to have to go back to doing his own cooking and cleaning and being a 50/50 parent.
Honestly, I think in your heart you know it’s best for you to walk away. But just in case, let me say to you; it’s okay to walk darling. I know you love him, but he is taking you for granted. He is sucking you dry and not giving you anything back”. Show your daughter what self-respect looks like and that it is unacceptable to be treated the way he’s been treating you.
NTA to say something but he is also NTA.
I am probably going to be heavily downvoted for this but your boyfriend is working too hard to support you and your child and he is utterly exhausted and suffering from lack of sleep.
He probably believes that his actions are required so that he can give you both the best life. He has got his work/life balance all wrong and it sounds like he has realised that and wants to do something about it. We don’t know what is going on at work but he might also need time to readjust to get the balance right.
He has 2 options-
Give him the opportunity to show you he wants this. You can only fake this for so long. You’ll either see a permanent change or it goes back to how it was and then you walk.
Therapy needs to be discussed and put in the table.
Walk. You know him best. If you don’t want to give a last try, if you don’t think he is going to do this then close it off and walk.
Everybody can pretend to change for 30 days. What about after the 30 days?
Of course he wants to change, he’s going to lose you, he’s gonna make all the right noises to make you stay and then is going to keep going with his previous behaviour, it’s what they do
Tell him, “I have given you 12 years to sort this relationship out. Why do you want to change now? I can’t live in a one-sided relationship. So, if you’re serious about changing, then you better put in the work. I don’t want to hear how you’ve changed, show me. I will not remind you or give you another chance if you fail. I need a partner, who is there for me and our child. I will not be putting the ring back on until I am ready and I think you have “changed” and staying the course. “
Gonna play devil’s advocate here, OP. Your post feels really one-sided. You talk about him being emotionally shut down and dealing with trauma, but there’s no mention of what the trauma actually is, or what support you’ve given him through it. Just saying ‘I told him to stop working so much’ doesn’t address the root. Why is he a workaholic? Is it financial pressure? Deep insecurity? Learned behaviour?
You’re clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, and that’s valid. But it also sounds like he’s been quietly drowning in his own way too. Falling asleep on the sofa at night and giving your daughter chocolate before bed doesn’t scream ‘bad dad,’ it sounds more like a man running on empty. And now that you’ve finally snapped, he’s actually heard you. He’s offered therapy, a timeline, accountability. That deserves some credit.
Feels like all the focus is on how hard your load is, but nothing about his, which is a common pattern when men struggle. Their issues get ignored because they’re not as visible or emotional. Just something to think about.
Relationships are two-sided, and from what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like he’s a bad person. Just one who’s also been suffering in silence.
If this post had been written from his perspective, I wonder if the tone of responses here would be the same.
You are NTA.
Don’t look back honey.
Pfft….he’s only saying that now because he’s scared you will leave. yeah – they can always come up with “saying all the right things” once you have truly drawn a line.
Up to you if you believe him suppose?
I doubt he will change and if he does? It will be just until he wins you back and he gains your trust again. Then he’ll just slide back into same ole same ole.
Make sure he genuinely wants to change and it’s not just change for 30 days and go back to usual once you cool down.
And honestly, you both need to ease up your workload it sounds far too stressful.
IF he actually changes his behavior now then what that should chiefly tell you is that he could have done so at any time in the last 12 years if only he had wanted to. Up to you to decide if you can live with that.
NTA. Don’t believe him. He’ll go right back to doing nothing again.
You have nothing to lose giving it to the end of the summer. Once your daughter starts school you’ll be better able to make a move if needed. Tell him you don’t need words you need actions and they need to be permanent or don’t bother.
NTA – 30 days isn’t a long time. It’s easy for him to say he’s going to change.
It’s likely going to take you that long to figure things out for yourself and daughter.
“BF, yes that’s what you are as I’m doing to completely pump the breaks on anything wedding. Keep the ring. Marriage is off the table for now. To be honest with you it’s probably too late. I will give you one last chance. One.
This isn’t a 30 day trial and you go back to be checked out. I doubt you can even get into therapy that soon. However that is a requirement. So is couples counseling.
Two, I’m not going to take on the role of telling you what to do either. I’ve been asking for yourself to lighten my load of carrying this household, parenting our child all on my own for years. I’ve asked you to put her to bed, do the dishes, help with xyz, I’m done asking. This is a see what needs or ask me if you can do xyz to help me. You have failed me over and over in this area. I’m not your manager, I’m your partner. Or at least I was.
Make no mistake. I have not decided I’m staying. My heart is already broken. But for the sake of our child I will let you prove to me our family is important.
One chance.”
You give him 30 days. You make it clear that this is his last chance and inaction won’t wash.
Meanwhile you plan what you want to do next. If after week 1 he’s done nothing you start putting things in place, you remind him once, you meant it this is it, if he’s actively seeking help and involving himself you keep planning but you wait, if he engages for a couple of weeks and then reverts you remind him and start putting things in place.
Sometimes its worth booking a meal out and having the conversation out of the home, somewhere without distractions like work and your daughter, somewhere where neither of you can get over emotional or loud, somewhere you can turn work phones off but can really focus on how it feels now being in this situation and how you can both work together to change things for the better.
A lot of manipulative people will change things for the short time that they think they need to, only in order to manipulate you back. They will also interestingly, remembered the things that you were asking for, the whole time, and only do them now that they’ve lost something (but it won’t be consistent if this person is not worth it, and honestly, I don’t think you would’ve needed to ask for 12 years, or even a week, if they were worth it in the first place).
Not that I believe he’s necessarily manipulative, I think it’s good that he seemed to have some of his own initiative from seeing you cry and hearing what you had been going through on prior occasions. Just beware that certain people can go to therapy only to pretend like they know what their issues are, only to say all the wrong thing and start in the wrong places (or somewhere that wasn’t even their problem to begin with).
The time for him to change was before OP totally checked out of the relationship. That ship has sailed now.
Couples therapy + make it clear what changes you want to see specifically within the 30 days. People out here telling you to just start packing your bags don’t really know how tough it is out there being a single parent. Even if you’ve technically been doing it alone, it’s just financially tough. Also there’s the fact that divorce can seriously eff up a kid.
Think it through, see if changes are made, set boundaries, and consider taking a day off being a parent+student and do something you like to unwind. It’s a stressful period of your life and you’re doing great.
If you agree to the trial, remember it’s not a sentence. If you’re not seeing him try to change, you can terminate it after a week or two.
I know this is easy to say but imo you shouldn’t make big life decisions when you’re so tired.. Is there any way you can get even a weekend alone? Will the budget stretch to a hotel? And is there anyone, maybe your MIL or your own mother that he could ask for help if (when) he needs help caring for your daughter whilst you’re away?
A weekend obviously won’t cure all your exhaustion and stress, but it’s a step in the right direction.
Is there a reason why are you still only engaged when you’ve been together so long and you share a daughter? Is there one of you that keeps making excuses? I’m wondering how long there’s been this “engagement” and I’m sorry to say if it is because of blockades he makes, I truly doubt he can change much with the problems you want him to work on.
You are beyond exhaustion, way past hope and that’s terrible. I’m curious about how long you’ve been burned out and struggled on, and I hope you can decide this to your own satisfaction and benefit. Perhaps a month’s trial separation is needed instead of a month more with him. Can you go back to your parents’ place and leave him alone in your house so that maybe he and you can decide if you miss each other enough to try to fix things?Whatever way you choose, I wish you luck, and some rest.
HUGS