We were having a painful sitdown, about what we value in one another at this point in our lives. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 9 in a month.
He said to me that a lot of the reasons why he values me have changed. And that he’s realized that some of the traits he valued in me weren’t traits I actually possessed, and he’d just convinced himself I did. The example he gave me was reliability. According to him, I’m not reliable. He’d just convinced himself I am, for a long time. Not anymore.
The conversation pretty much ended after that.
I’m crushed. I’ve been feeling sick about it all day, and can’t stop crying. What do I even do from here?
And I know it’s reddit, but dear God please don’t just recommend divorce
I have half a mind to insist he tell me what OTHER traits were just imaginary ones he convinced himself I had. But at the same time I’m already feeling shredded enough, so I don’t know.
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If a couple ever needed Marriage Counseling, it’s the two of you. If he won’t go, do it yourself.
Can you ask him to elaborate on why he sees you as unreliable? Is he saying that essentially the idea of you was better in his head but ultimately he settled for you? Because if that’s the case then sheesh i wouldn’t even want to stay with a partner that sees me in that light… but i definitely agree get him to elaborate and open up more and preferably with a therapist. 🫂
But what is he basing that opinion of you not being reliable on? Does he have examples? Is there some truth to it or is he exaggerating or overblowing things? He said a thing you do not like — time for more conversation around it to understand each other.
I’m curious what prompted the conversation. Was there one fight, have things been building or is one just unhappy with the other?
Did he give you examples on why he thought you weren’t reliable? Was he asking you to improve?
I’m also not sure how he thought it was productive to tell you that he is finally seeing “reality”. What exactly are you supposed to do with that?
In terms of him and your marriage, are you happy? Are there traits you value in him or wish he would change?
How are you unreliable? He can’t say that and then not give examples.
Why not ask him how you can be more reliable? Understand what the problem is then fix it. That’s all he’s saying
What was his purpose in telling you this?
Are you reliable? Ask him what that word means to him.
If you are objectively reliable by his own definition & he just doesn’t see it that way, or you don’t want to be reliable in the same way he wants you to be, you can’t change that. Know your worth & find your peace there.
If you aren’t reliable & are just feeling self-conscious about not being reliable, that you CAN change- by being reliable. What definitely will NOT help your husband have a better opinion of you is getting upset because he was honest, even if he debatably overshared.
I’m sure it hurt to hear, but right now it seems like you’re spiraling. Take it like water rolling off your shoulder.
Okay, he thinks you’re unreliable. Got it. Prove to him and yourself that you can change! Ask for specifics. How exactly are you unreliable? What can you do to make it seem like you care? Tell him how you’re going to change and hold yourself accountable. If you’re going through a painful moment in your marriage, you don’t have the time to be passive about it. Don’t let resentment build up. Do something. Take charge of your life and marriage.
Spiraling into self-pity and shame is not going to improve the situation. If anything, if it proving his point. Right now, it seems like he cannot rely on you to hold it together and work through your problems. You don’t want him to feel like he can’t be honest with you because that causes even more problems in the future.
Did he give you any examples?
This sounds like a Discard. I recommend spending some time on the Chump Lady website and seeing how much of it resonates with you. It sounds like he’s setting you up to Pick Me Dance for him like a Whirling Dervish.
He’s trying to tell you that he is no longer in love with you.
This is what happens when you don’t grow into an adult and you stay in your teenage relationship. I don’t know why so many people find being mature so hard.
The fact that you cared to share and this situation for advice and the situation worries you and intensely bothers you makes me feel that he is full of it and making up issues. Not sure why…but part of marriage is working together to solve problems…together. . I dont buy his reasons….
After 15 years? He can’t have just woken up.
Well.. does the things he say have any truth to them? Are you unreliable? Etc.
The ideal solution would be to see if you can work on it to become the best version of yourself.
Your husband clearly loves you for certain reasons. Maybe talk to him more deeply about these things and see if you can make a conscious effort to change?
Certain conversations are hard, but they are better to have than to let things fall apart beyond return.
Seems like couples therapy could be a safe space for these discussions
Oof, I don’t blame you for feeling crushed. That’s a hard thing to hear from someone you’ve built your life with.
But, can I be ask gently, do you think there’s any truth to what he said? Like, are there ways you haven’t been as reliable as you thought? I’m not saying he’s right about everything or that it’s fair to drop that on you like that, but if there’s even a bit of truth there, it’s worth sitting with.
You’re allowed to be hurt, but what you do next matters. Are you just going to carry that pain, or are you going to ask the hard questions and reflect? Not to beat yourself up, just to understand. If he’s saying the way he sees you has changed, you deserve to know how and why, not be left hanging with one vague example.