We dated for almost 7 years and we have a kid together, we broke up about 4 months ago.
I’m still processing and trying to get over the relationship but I can’t help but wonder if she was toxic or just unhappy or both? Relationship started great, but I feel like she love bombed me very early on. First awkward conversation was me asking if she could be more nice because she was being so rude and mean to her step sister over a Halloween music playlist and I couldn’t believe it.
After we moved in it was like a light switch flipped, she was constantly snapping at me and talking to me with such a nasty tone. She would get defensive over everything I brought up and always had these walls up and refused to be vulnerable with me. I pointed out that she was always the first to cuss, snap, use a tone or yell whenever we started to argue and I didn’t appreciate that.
I feel like she lacked empathy, was selfish and generally just treated me like a babysitter to her 2 other kids because she never valued or respected my opinions, but always wanted me to watch and take care of them with her.
I wasn’t perfect either, but I feel like I always wanted to prioritize peace and calm in the house but nothing I did was ever good enough for her. I don’t do well with conflict so when she would snap and yell at me I would get very angry and needed time to cool off, but she would be just fine after like 5 minutes, but she wouldn’t ever address the issues or apologize or anything. Just acted like it was no big deal. One time she was complaining about everything around the house while I was actively cleaning and I started crying because I didn’t know what to do, I was trying my best and she just stood there watching me.
For about 2 years she was having an emotional affair with a coworker and after we broke up they started dating a few weeks after she moved out. They’re together and I’m here trying to pick up the pieces and wondering was she toxic, was she just unhappy and didn’t know how to express it, was I toxic, my mind has not stopped wondering this whole time.
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I mean.. I guess the two go hand in hand. Unhappy people are quite toxic. Why they’re unhappy could be an array of things. It could be a simple task that you do that annoys them & they flip out on you for it. It could be a deep seated trauma that they don’t even realize they’re reacting that way. I think everyone is capable of ‘being toxic’ if cornered into their default insecurities.
I think she clearly has issues around conflict & communication. Maybe she just grew up in a negative talk kind of environment.. so she’s used to yelling. She’s used to ‘being mean’.. maybe that’s how her parents or family acted. So she has a very warped sense of what ‘love’ is. She thinks love means you can say absolutely whatever you want to your partner & then act like nothing happened the next day. Not to excuse her behavior… bc she’s a grown adult & she could learn to be more emotionally intelligent but she chooses not to. But, she may not even be aware of what her triggers are or even knows what she’s doing is unhealthy.
It’s a shame you had to go through that. But at the end of the day, other people’s traumas & emotional breakthroughs have to be figured out with themselves. There’s nothing you can do for them until they open their eyes to their unappealing behavior.