Just wanted to get some outside thoughts on this because it’s really been bothering me and now I’m second-guessing everything.
Me and my wife are a normal married couple. We both work and have a baby under 1. We have a nanny during our working hours, I work a standard 9-5, and she works shifts on a rota, so we mainly have the nanny cover my hours since hers change and we juggle the rest. I am a present dad and love spending time and looking after baby.
This past week was kind of rough because it was the first time she had to do night shifts, so I had full coverage of the baby overnight while she worked. I love spending time with the baby, so I didn’t mind it at all, even if it meant skipping my own social stuff.
Now to the issue. My wife made plans to meet up with two girls she met once before, not people we hang out with regularly, more like acquaintances she’s chatted to a bit and met through some friends of mine who invited us to a social gathering. They wanted to meet the baby. She didn’t ask me beforehand, just sent me a screenshot of the plan saying something like “FYI I’m going to meet them with the baby, how does this sound?” And then in the same message added, “you can also ask [mutual friend] if he wants to come too” (he’s the guy who introduced us to these girls at a previous group hang).
So I quickly replied “yeah sounds good” — I was working, so it was a short text. I meant it as, “yeah cool, enjoy,” and figured if our guy friends came along, maybe I’d tag along too.
The next morning, I asked the mutual friends if they could join. They couldn’t. Told my wife they couldn’t come but didn’t have any time to discuss further as went to work. At that point I didn’t say anything yet to my wife, but later in the day I started thinking: I don’t really know these two girls, they mostly want to catch up with my wife and see the baby, and I’d be kinda third-wheeling this hangout. Also, I thought, why not use that time to go see my friend and do something small for myself? Like tennis or whatever. Nothing crazy, just an hour or two.
So I messaged my wife and said something like, “Hey, since the guys can’t make it, would it be alright if I meet my friend instead while you’re out with yours?” And she did NOT take it well.
She got annoyed and said I’d made a commitment and needed to honor it. That I was being selfish and leaving her to handle everything. I tried to explain that I never saw this as a firm commitment. I thought it was an optional “come if you want” thing, and I said I was happy to help with the baby if the plan didn’t exist. But if it’s a social outing she set up for her friends to meet her and the baby, why would I come along unless our mutual friends were going too especially as I did not want to intrude and sometimes some seperation is good too.
She then said I should still come because she needs help carrying things, car seat, baby bag, picnic mat, etc. The hangout place is literally a 10-minute drive away, and the beach is 15 seconds from the car park. Our baby has been on outings like this many times before. I even said I’d help with the loading/unloading part, but she was already pissed by then. And I kind of felt hurt too at that point, like, if she just needed help with carrying things, why can’t her friends pitch in? It’s not some huge journey.
She sent a few jabs over text, saying I was being selfish and “ditching” her, saying I’m terrible person. I thought maybe once we were home we could talk it out, but she was still really upset and honestly made it into a much bigger deal than it needed to be. Now I’m annoyed too, like, this wasn’t some betrayal, just a small ask to use that little window of time to do something for myself after a long week.
Now I’m stuck in this weird place where I can’t stop thinking about it and I am pissed off. Like, this feels super minor in the grand scheme of things, but she made it huge and personal to the point where the arguments have spilled over where people have noticed. I kind of don’t want to talk or make up until she acknowledges her part in it, but now I’m wondering, am I overreacting? It’s impacting us outside the house as its spilled over quite badly into outings and work now.
TL;DR; : wife wants to meet new friends with our baby. She thought I would come. I didn’t want to go and instead see my own friend during this time. Wife is angry and has now exploded into a big argument.
Comments
My reaction is that your wife doesn’t feel super comfortable with just her and the baby. It sounds like you do most of the childcare and she picks up where she can. In this scenario, she’s on her own. That might be creating some anxiety.
Another thought, maybe she wants to ditch the baby with you during the outing? Like she can’t really catch up with her friends and have a baby with her. She’ll really be tending to the baby the whole time. If you come, she can leave the baby tending to you and just talk to these friends.
My 2 cents!
Your wife’s response seems excessive, might want to figure out why
I’d say give her some grace. You guys have a kid under 1 which is horrible on anyone, especially working parents. You said your wife has inconsistent working hours, and now had to do a night shift. Does this woman ever get time to take care of herself, go to the gym, read a book, or do whatever she likes to do besides being a mom?
Yes she’s being kind of rude and unreasonable, but unless this is her normal way of being, cut her some slack. Pick up more chores around the house and find ways to make more money to get more childcare and free her up.
I agree that this feels very minor and I wonder if there is something larger going on. For example, maybe she hates the friend you play tennis with and wishes he wasn’t part of your life. Or perhaps one of her friends was complaining about how her husband/bf never wants to come to social things and your wife was saying “I’m lucky I never have that problem with mine” and now she feels like she will be embarrassed. To me that is also not the end of the world, but it might explain at least part of why she’s having a larger reaction than expected. I’d be digging to see if there is more to the story here.