Asked for advice before about my wife letting herself go after we got married and it affecting my physical attraction for her and took the advice, but it didn’t work. For context we’re 30, been married 5 years, dated 2.
When we were dating, she always seemed to care for her appearance, haircut, dressed decently, showered regularly. After we got married and moved in together, it all went away so I asked for advice. Asked if she was depressed and she said she wasn’t and just thought we could get comfortable with each other. Tried regular date nights and she kinda fixes herself up but not like before and anytime besides that she still looks homely.
I was even told “well how do you look? Do you look nice for her?” So I asked her and she said she was fine with how I looked but I started focusing on my appearance anyways, dieting, exercising, and focusing on dress, and now she just seems more jealous, saying things like “that girl was checking you out” and asking random things like “what would you do if a hot girl came up to you etc.”
It has affected my enthusiasm for intimacy and she has complained about it which is why I brought up her appearance but she says if I really love her it shouldn’t matter, which some others have said as well but I can’t help it. I still love being with her and talking to her and couldn’t imagine being married to someone else but the physical aspect has declined. What else can I do?
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Love is not enough to maintain a relationship. Love will never be enough. Only fools think that it is
My wife is the same man. she won’t put in the effort for anything anymore, its a real shame i love her but its taxing as fuck.. even to go on a walk is an ordeal barely leaves the house. did all the couples therapy and talking in the world, just falls back to same old same old. I try encourage her to do things, anything ! she’d rather sit, doom scrolling on her phone than getting off her ass to do shit.. intamacy has fallen off a cliff edge its depressing as fuck. I have set the wheels in motion for getting a divorce i can’t be doing this for the rest of my life.
Of course the advice didn’t work.
There isn’t really any advice to give here.
You two have polar opposite value systems when it comes to this matter.
She thinks you should want her without her trying, you don’t feel attracted without more effort.
I suggest you see a couples counselor to sort this out.
Did she ask you to change?
If you married your wife because of the effort she puts into her appearance, you married her for the wrong reason.
I feel awful for her.
I feel so bad for your wife. She is probably a very nice woman who is aging and coping with life and you are online complaining she isn’t 20 years old anymore. Dude marriage is a lifelong event not a means to an end just for sex, there are other aspects of family and intimacy that matter more. If your wife’s physical appearance is bothering you that much you and your expectations about women are the problem- especially is she’s remaining hygienic and maintaining her other relationships just fine
You’re not shallow for wanting mutual effort — attraction matters in a marriage. You worked on yourself and communicated honestly, which is more than a lot of people do. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, it’s fair to ask how long you’re supposed to carry the imbalance. Love and comfort shouldn’t mean giving up on effort.
In general, people don’t stop looking after their physical appearance unless they’re experiencing depression. This is doubly true for people who don’t shower regularly. Your wife may tell you that she isn’t depressed, but her behavior says otherwise.
I think you need to have a frank discussion with her. You could ask her what she would do if she were married to a man who didn’t shower. You could ask her what she expects you to do, now that you’re in this situation. You can ask her if she thinks a woman should ever make herself look beautiful for her husband, and ask her what she expects of you, given that she is not taking any of this kind of initiative.
I can’t promise that this conversation will “fix the problem,” but at least then you’ll know where you stand. If you have one foot out the door, she deserves to know that beforehand.
People…. Don’t get fit for someone else. Get fit for YOURSELF.
Marriage counseling should be the next step. Maybe you two aren’t communicating on the same love languages, something is being missed. Highly recommend marriage counseling before going the divorce route. Spoken as a guy who has found the true love of his life, second wife, and had a long road of healing from the first wife’s abuse.
That’s a horrible place to be because if your bring it up your the devil if you don’t then you lose attraction. Honestly it’s kinda disrespectful if you ask me. I think it’s fair to expect the same energy after marriage. That while “well I’ve got you so I don’t have to continue taking care of myself” is bs. Be honest with her, tell her you miss the woman you fell in love with or just watch her be a couch potato. Maybe she’ll figure it out when you don’t initiate sax anymore. Just stop. Go to the gym instead.
You can’t change your body to change hers.
You can’t model a behavior and expect her to copy. Maybe, maybe in the right frame of mind it might motivate her to see that it’s doable and enjoyable.
So she stopped getting nice haircuts, dressing nicely, showering regularly? Right now, I don’t trust your perceptions of her and her inner world enough to suss out whether she’s truly depressed or just relaxed and/or prioritizing other things. Is she dealing with stress? Is she dealing with life transitions that she can explain and you can hear?
It’s not going to turn on anyone to be with a partner that thinks they need to be “fixed.”
Divorce her. It isn’t your job to enforce basic self care in your partner
You kinda suck man.
You love her but you don’t like that fact she doesn’t “fix” herself up anymore? Oh man.
Have an honest talk with her, and please avoid saying things like “ I started doing this and that for you” because she never asked you to. It won’t work in your favour, talk about being healthy together and that you want to start working out with her or smt. Don’t make her feel ugly because she’s not, you know it. Suggest going on walks or something small and excuse it by saying smt like you wanna get fresh air and you want her to come with you.
Different people want different things out of life and out of relationships. Some people want to keep putting in effort and have their spouse do the same; some want to be able to relax, and they either don’t care or actually dislike when their spouse puts effort into their appearance (usually, like your wife, because they get jealous.)
It sounds like you’re learning a little too late that the two of you are very far apart on this issue.
I think it’s worth trying couples counseling and trying to compromise on this point.
But, if that doesn’t work, you’ll have to decide whether you’re willing to live with it or whether you’re going to divorce and find someone you’re more compatible with.
Oh, and if it does get to the “divorce and find a new partner” point, next time living together for a year or so before you get married might help you spot similar problems.
This absolutely sounds like a depressive episode and you’re out here complaining about yourself. That’s WILD to me. If you married her for her appearance, that’s kind of fucked.
Have you spoken with her about it?
Some people put in all the effort to find a spouse but once they get married they stop. Their thinking is I’m married now so it doesn’t matter. However it does matter. I would not stay married to someone who deceived who they really are. That’s a deal breaker for me.
Your wife sucks
love cannot survive comfort, but attraction needs intention too
Don’t listen to all the advice here implying that you are wrong/insensitive for how you feel.
Sex/attraction are very important parts of a healthy relationship and attraction is not a choice, you are clearly reaching out for help because you care about your wife.
I got crucified for this same issue. I understand how you feel – just keep encouraging her in a loving manner. Seek out marriage counseling.
Tale as old as time one that ring gets put on she believes she doesn’t have to try. Either cutting off sex or gaining weight happens a shit ton. No advice but if she won’t even start taking care of her basic hygiene then yeah hit the door
Kinda stopped reading when you’re chief complaint about her looks was “Homely”.
People have different wants. You are not wrong or an asshole for wanting your wife to look good. If beauty is something you prioritize and you make it clear to her in a very nice and supportive way and she doesn’t respond, unfortunately, she’s not the right person for you.
I have been married for 20+ years. My advice for you is to get out of the relationship and find someone else that’s better suited to your needs.
My wife does not wear any makeup or dress up. She has put on weight since we got married. But that kind of stuff is not high on my list of wants. Other things are more important to ME.
People that say you are shallow or an asshole are pushing their values onto you.
Why are you still married?
I absolutely hate it when someone says “well you’re supposed to love me even if I get fat” like no…unless you have an actual reason why youre letting yourself go (and even then) part of the reason I fell for you was based on looks and if your looks change for the worse due to negligence and then proceed to say “would you love me if I was s worm” lol nah fuck outta here
Talk to her kuz this will only lead to cheating or an overall bitter marriage
Focus on the aspects of health rather than appearance. She’s only 30. If she’s becoming a couch potato and not moving, that’s bad. Is there any way you can exercise together or do some fitness program s a couple? It’s literally for her to be healthy. We spend a very long time in these bodies and it really is move it or lose it. Perhaps the endorphins from exercise will help her mood and energy levels. Be patient and start slowly than build up to more.
If your wife doesnt love herself enough to maintain her self image hiw can you? She has a lot of hurt feminine energy and needs to work through some of that.
Typical reddit. Try another advice sub. I’ve scrolled as far as I am going to and haven’t seen the most important comment. Physical attraction counts. This advice thread seems like it’s dismissing the importance of physical attraction to your partner in favour of, ‘oh focus on yourself, do you look attractive?, ok next step marriage counselling’.
Try being open and honest but non judgmental. Express how important it is for you to maintain intimacy. If she pulls the old, you should love me no matter how I look. Well there your answer. Dead bedroom for the next twenty years.
Try the askmen subreddit.
This is a double edged sword, it’s okay for a woman to tell her man that but if you tell a woman that it’s now cruel. Don’t have any advice for this one as I’m not sure what the right answer is lol but I understand you as a man and husband.
Coming from a woman. She is depressed. She doesn’t realize it. She needs to want it for herself. You don’t get fit for other people. When you give yourself self love and care everything else falls into place.
So as others have said, counseling is really the only avenue here.
In the meantime? I would guess that the hang-up is more in her not feeling good enough for you as a person to where her value is still tied to her appearance.
If that were the case, your best bet is trying to sever that association.
And if her value to you and your intimacy is tied to her physical appearance then shame on you. I’m not entirely serious, but I don’t think that’s a good thing and you should maybe try solo-therapy to see the cause of that.
But if, instead, that you feel valued when your partner WANTS to look good for you, that’s a much simpler thing to approach. And if trying to help her understand this is the starting point for therapy, I’d say you two ought to be successful in working this out.
But this world tells women often enough that they’re not shit without their good looks to go along with it. Your wife doesn’t want to hear the same shit from her husband. Find a way to disconnect that reality from what YOU value and you might be more successful.
Gross
This was posted with the genders reversed yesterday
Did you not live together before marriage?
It’s compeltely normal to settle into a relationship and not make as much of an effort to get dressed up. Especially because as a woman, it all takes SO LONG, but I’ve known men to do it too.
Its not that either of you are wrong, you just have different values.
This is why I think its so important to cohabit before marriage. Its all the things that you dont see when you’re dating that can wear away at a relationship
I mean she is letting herself go, and unless she is willing to fix it nothing will happen
Let’s be realistic, people change. In marriage, you either learn to love the new version of them or let them go.
What bugs me is that I feel you didn’t get fit for your wife. I feel like you got fit for you. Or more like, you hoped that she would join you in this fitness journey with you. Did you ask if she wanted to?
Dude, honestly, I think there’s more going on here. You just might not know about it and she might now be able to point it out yet. I would recommend talking and diving deep. If either of you even wants to try.
It sounds to me like it is not just about “appearance”. It seems like appearance represents effort and respect for the relationship.
If you love her and want to preserve the marriage, one way to approach this might be a quiet, calm conversation along the following lines:
“Hi honey… I love you and treasure our marriage. But I admit that lately I am feeling a little lost and confused. I get the feeling that you no longer care about your health… and that perhaps you think that your health is not important to me. I assure you that it is, and I would love to have you share my enthusiasm for fitness and eating right. Can you please help me understand what you are thinking and feeling here? No need to get back to me immediately, take your time and let me know.”
The trick here is to talk about YOU and YOUR feelings. No accusations, obviously. She will be forced to think about what you have said to her because she will not feel judged.
Perhaps she will agree to couples counseling, which may be helpful.
Good luck.
I just want to know specifically what you mean by her “letting herself go.” Has she gained a lot of weight? Also, does she not shower regularly anymore?
“Appearance shouldn’t matter” is utter bullshit. Anyone who says that is lazy as fuck. She let herself go because she got what she wanted and is lazy. Tell her couples therapy is mandatory is she wants to stay in this marriage.
Good news is you will be ready to hit the ground running if she refuses to take care of herself.
I don’t care what anybody says, the visual matters. Yes, you should accept someone as they age. That is something that is tough to control. But when someone just gives up entirely and says you’re supposed to love me anyway, I have a problem with that. If I’m going to maintain myself for you, then I have a reasonable expectation that you are going to maintain yourself for me. Everyone wants to be attractive to their partner, and everyone wants their partner to be attractive to them. That stuff doesn’t happen without effort. The fact that she has just given up screams depression and/or self-esteem issues. Tackling those is possible, but it also requires effort.
Staying in shape is part of the foundation for any romantic relationship.
It means showing respect to yourself and the other person as well.
You can’t change her. You can encourage her to work out with you, you can cook healthy meals, but that’s about it. The rest is up to her. If she doesn’t feel motivated to keep up her appearance, there’s nothing you can do. Decide if you can live with it or not, and take action from there. Either learn to accept her the way she is, or leave.
Really you guys find time to think about these problems even after workload
Maybe you should dump her and find someone who will always stay hot no matter what. That is what marriage is after all.
Tell her how you really feel, don’t spend time going about it in a round about away.
I simply would never and do not care about makeup/dress.. My wife does what she wants with that and its minimal as it is.. Maybe that is why i was attracted to her?
If you guys got fat and you have undone your weight gain and she hasn’t, that is on her. You can only encourage or motivate someone so much.. At any given point, your health should be enough motivation.. Sadly, most people need the wake-up call first (hypertension, HBP, needing to get new clothes because keep getting bigger, etc.) before they can motivate themselves into healthier habits.
I will tell you, my wife’s appearance doesn’t change anything for me.. But my wife and I also never changed who we are when we had the gov confirm our relationship. I will never understand how people supposedly become a new person when married.. Like living a faux life until you get married and then you let your hair down? Probably the same couples that go into the other room to break wind.. GOOD luck lol
Men are visual creatures. Women understand this when they are single and looking to attract men. Unfortunately, many women get complacent after they settle down, and then pretend looks don’t/shouldn’t matter. It’s a self-serving rationalization that is totally unattached to reality. Of course, once divorced, women work hard to get back into shape, getting cosmetic procedures, buying a new wardrobe — everything they can do to be attractive again. Your wife needs a wake-up call. Her laziness shows profound disrespect for you and your relationship. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting to feel attracted to your wife physically. Let her feel guilty for not caring enough about her appearance to please you and keep you attracted to her.
Maybe she feels the pressure from you to look a certain way and she’s rebelling against it by…not. She doesn’t sound happy either. She sounds depressed or going through burnout or something. Maybe she feels like she can’t count on you to be supportive anymore so she’s keeping things from you. Neither of you sound happy or like good partners. It can’t just be the attraction stuff, more is going on.
Sorry bro, your wife sounds a little delulu. You’re gonna have to be frank with her and say maintaining physical attraction is important to you because it shows that you’re putting in effort and respecting the other person. My wife and I always try to look our best because we both know it’s important.
Honestly it’s a deal breaker for me. However, before it gets to that you may want to try motivating her to go to the gym with you. Do the same workouts just adjust the weights for her. This is what wife and I do. We have a great time. And since we’re both in fantastic shape, even though we’re older at 59, we have a ton of “private fun”. Being in shape and pleasing to each other unlocks a lot of benefits. Good moods, good health, good energy, good sleep etc. we also take care to not over eat and we don’t eat processed foods any more for quite a long time. It’s amazing how everyone in our extended family is obese, even the ones much younger than us. We’ve had talks and discussions regarding healthy lifestyles with everyone and tried to set a good example but it seems everyone is just lazy, except when it comes to eating lots of food.
Bro, I was in a similar situation. It’s important not to just say (I don’t like it) but to explain that it’s important for you to feel desired, to see that you also want to be liked. Don’t push, but try to involve: invite to get a haircut together, give something beautiful, arrange a photo shoot for two. Sometimes you need to stir things up.
You’re at a crossroads of two different ways of thinking about the future of your relationship you have to try and get her to understand your side.
It could be worse though. My friend got married at 32 and his wife was 32 as well. She was 5’1 and a very fit muscular 120 did CrossFit and was insane in competitions but as soon as they got married all physical activity stopped for her. She was tired of “trying and pretending to be someone else.” She just wanted to relax and be married. She is now 5’1 and 210….
Partners have an obligation to care about their looks. This used to be the normal but seems like American society just sucks at this. It’s pathetic.
Maaaan. This was me with my ex wife.
She ended up being the laziest person I’ve ever met in my life. She ended up at 5ft 3in, 285lbs “If you love me it shouldn’t matter”. She ended up developing diabetes. We ended up divorcing for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because she wouldn’t try at anything in life.
I highly recommend counseling here if you want the relationship to work… and… your wife is going to have to put in some effort if it’s going to work. Best of luck to you!
Is it just haircuts and makeup or is it they plus weight issues? Also, not showing regularly?
Have you told her you are no longer physically attracted to her?
Women hate dating guys hotter than them. They feel they need to compete.
Good example is the dad bod. Women claim they love the dad bod, they don’t. What they love is knowing a guy looks less attractive than them, and they don’t have to worry about him being options for other women.
It’s insecurity.
ignore the women here calling you shallow
the whole “looks shouldn’t matter” thing is obviously disingenuous because then why do they start caring about looks again when they get dumped..?
they obviously KNOW looks matter since they start getting fit again to try to find a new man.
and spare me the bullshit about “after we broke up, i got fit for meeeeee”… because you were “you” during the relationship and you didn’t care
so a woman “letting herself go” is just a physical manifestation of how they took their husband for granted
and i’d say the same if genders were reversed
It shouldn’t matter and in a perfect world it wouldn’t matter and clearly it does matter to you.
So either you are a shallow asshole who doesn’t really love her or maybe she isn’t the one and with the right one you would be ok if she let herself go.
Point is, life is too short to live life unhappy and miserable. You’ve tried having a conversation with her and she claims and she clearly doesn’t want to change things, so you have to make a choice, accept her as she is and get the F over it or let her know that you aren’t happy, it sucks and you wish thinks we’re different but you both dwarves someone who aligns with who you are.
If she is truly happy with herself then she should be with someone who can appreciate her the way she is now and you deserve to be with someone who you want to be with and where your relationship can grow and evolve.
It already sounds like resentment is building and it’s only gonna get worse. Why waste years suffering from that when you can just be honest with each other and both find happiness much sooner with someone else?
Turn that argument right back at her: If she loved you she would want to make herself look good for you.
Reciprocity man… When women fail at it it is the absolute quickest way for them to become exes.
She’s just trying to gaslight you so she can be lazy.
She needs counseling
Jesus Christ
You didn’t get fit for her
You got fit for you
You should leave her because it’s your idea
Don’t gaslight her
Have fun in the Man-o-sphere
Fucking donkey
30 year marriage vet here. Is this the topic that defines your relationship? Marriage is a lot of give and take; there are things like this that matter to you but she may have a list of what matters to you.
Overall some puts and takes / give and get. You’ve got to do both.
If the whole list isn’t working for you both that’s the hard place. If it’s just talking out that this matters to you and she can realise that as well as you understanding her list then happy times.
No kids? Pack it in before you get trapped. The fact that she believes you should be hot for her no matter what is a huge red flag, This is something that she is choosing not like She got cancer or was in a car accident that you love her through no matter what. Poor hygiene and letting herself go to shit is on her and god forbid she has a baby you will definitely not be into her after that. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you are in love with them
OP, you’re 30 and this is way too early in your life to be miserable over being in shape with someone who’s supposed to have more maturity than a child.
You’re not attracted to her and she isn’t trying anymore and she’s jealous you’re working on yourself. Shes not putting the same level of effort in the relationship. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean she should stop trying in the relationship. Marriages rightfully don’t last because of people like her.
Don’t be miserable with a woman who’s supposed to tell you everything but makes you think on and on.
I’d advise taking therapy before divorce.
For some people appearance is negotiable in marriage. For some it is not. You are learning too late in the game you are an appearance person and your wife is not.
You can try counseling, you can try talking, but if you’re getting in your feelings and can’t get it up I’d just rip the band aid off and separate. Make sure you do yourselves a favor and don’t make any babies or adopt any pets.
This is why so many dudes don’t want to marry 😆
I’ve been with women who pull this shit. The moment they get comfortable they let themselves go completely. It’s one of the reasons I don’t date women who don’t work out. I don’t want to be stuck with someone who weighs more than me in my old age. Crazy thing is that exercise is healthy for you—they only stand to benefit from it. Really interesting that she gets upset when other women check you out. You would think that might motivate her to try a little harder.
Tell your wife you want the person you married back. I don’t think it’s fair for everyone to act like you should just take her as she is now. This is not what you expected your life, nor your wife to look like. You propose to and married a person who took care of themself and you thought that would continue, so I can totally understand your disappointment and frustration. I do believe a therapist can help her see that that person, those traits were part of what attractive to you to her. How is that wrong? Marriage is work and this is an area she needs to work on if she wants the marriage to last.
And if this post were about a man that was so thoughtful and helpful around house before marriage, but afterwards stopped helping out or putting any effort in people would be tell you to dump him asap!
I’m in the same boat.
There is no real advice and nothing you can do about it. You two have a difference in values. And maybe she’s depressed. You can’t do anything about either one. I firmly believe dragging her to marriage counseling is just going to make it worse. One day she may snap out of it.
The only thing YOU can do is control yourself. Try being more generous and nicer to her, and continue on the fitness journey because it’s good for you regardless of what it does for her. That’s it, there is nothing else. You can’t expect or influence anyone to change.
As childish as it sounds, I often think about a quote that King Alfred says in The Last Kingdom, a Netflix show, roughly: “We all pay a price – I have my gruel, you have your debt.”
There is no perfection and you have to just deal with it. Focus on yourself.
Sorry to hear this dude. I know how it feels. Was married for 23 years. After year 5, ex wife did the exact same thing. She ballooned and had me pay for gastric which left lots of flab. She tried getting me to pay for tummy tucks, arm tucks etc. Said nope.
Went into the bank account and seen 10k removed. Said wtf?! Asked her where that went. She said down payment for tummy tuck.
That was the day I contacted my lawyer.
Well, it sounds like you didn’t really “get fit for her”, as she doesn’t seem focused on such things, so it was really more for yourself (which is okay, just be honest about it).
In any long-term relationship, appearance changes over time are not so uncommon. People gain or lose weight, age, etc. That’s just part of life.
You could consider going to couple’s therapy, or even a sex therapist if you would like to tackle that angle specifically.
Where did you ask for advice? That post is not in your history here…
As for getting your wife to care about her appearance I mean how bad we talking? She isn’t dressing up like she used to? That’s probably normal. Hygiene is important she probably ought to be showering at least every other day. If she’s getting really fat, I mean look at it as a health concern. Can you expect someone who is aging to be a fit as they were in their 20s? No. Is exercise good for health, mental health, quality of life and more? Yes. So regular excercise is something she should be willing to consider. Now diet controls weight more than excercise but a lot of people who excercise are more motivated to watch their diet. Don’t try and eliminate stuff like sweets but eating more healthy food by cooking at home to save money probably doesn’t hurt.
You’re feelings are completely valid… its gonna get down voted… but if you have no children because you have a responsibility to them… its okay to leave… if youve voiced your concerns and she isint willing to work on it… it means she doesn’t care about your wants or needs… if theres am expectation for you to go to work and do the things your supposed to do and youve put in the work to better your physical appearance for yourself and her she has a duty too as well… a relationship is about taking care of eachothers needs… the complete lack of effort on her part disregards your feelings…
I would also wager that if she was single shed focus on her appearance… now shes complacent and frankly lazy… you can love someone and not find them attractive… but attraction is important…
Its not to late to leave and find someone who prioritizes the same things you do… and doesn’t view you as a commodity or invalidate your feelings with gaslighting and manipulation.
It probably did not just “all go away” once you moved in together but probably that is how she was/acted when you were not around. Now you are around all the time and this is her default.
Full make up, hair done and “dressing up” gets tiring after a while. Also expensive.
>she still looks homely
What does that mean? Like hoodie and sweat pants??? They make a lot of “lounge wear” that still looks good. Maybe propose a shopping trip and get some stuff that is comfy and looks cute? For me it is starting to warm up where I live, in the summer I wear a lot of dresses and sundresses that are easy to throw on, look cute and stay cool in the summer heat. Then tell her she looks good (when she wears it) so she feels good in the clothes.
But I don’t know…. most people do not really want to “dress up” when they are just around the house…
Boundaries only work if you are willing to walk… the gaslighting is poor behavior… being fat is solely in our control… shes gonna be upset when you start to wander because your needs aren’t being met and shes gonna be upset when other women start seeing you and wanting you.
Not gonna lie, I think my wife is sexy in sweats etc. even when she doesn’t get all dolled up. We are going on 17 years of marriage.
Maybe she is depressed? That can kill any motivation
You will not be able to make her change. People change when they are good and ready to change. So, its accept her as she is and hope one day she will change(keep herself up/stay fit). Or, the alternative, seek a separation.
PS. My own experience, my BIL married a person that kept herself up and stayed fit. Not but a year after the wedding she was the complete opposite. Did not shower, brush her teeth or get out of sweat clothing. She lived on the couch. He left her.
To the OP:
It sounds like it’s time to find a new wife.
This one isn’t interested in impressing you anymore and seems to think you should be ok with that, so you shouldn’t feel obligated to stick around and be miserable.
Some of these women “checking you out” may be looking for husbands as well, and many of them may care a lot more about themselves than your current wife does.
Time to go hunting.
Good luck, sir.
Context: do you have kids? Does she have a job? Does she have friends locally? Need to know more about her situation
Thank you OP for (kind of) enlightening me. I just realised I have also been taking my partner for granted, and not paying attention to my appearance of late. He does not complain but he turns up prim and proper whenever we are going out or meeting on a date. I think I should give some serious consideration to my appearance now whenever I meet him. Thanks a lot.
It sounds like you are mismatched on motivational values in your relationship.
My wife and I have used the Reiss Motivational Profile which helps us understand each other better and improve these relationship incompatibilities. In your situation, it sounds like you are more motivated by beauty and possibly physical activity and she is low on both of these motivators.
This is going to be a chronic mismatch but she can still learn more about what you need in a relationship and work towards changing her behavior a bit to satisfy your needs and perhaps use another motivator of hers (maybe family) in order to do so .
Feel free to learn more about this theory here
https://www.reissmotivationprofile.com
This is karma farming. His earliest post implies he’s a woman. This is misogynistic karma farming, idk how we swang back round to the boomer “hate my wife” meta but we made it
She never will. You are young. Divorce is just around the corner 👍
Do you walk around with a mirror in your pocket and admire yourself at times how awesome you are 😂.You’re an a*hole. Just divorce and let her be happy with someone else . She doesn’t need you.
Do you understand how much effort, and how much time, a woman has to put in to getting all dolled up? Do you understand how uncomfortable we are in the tight clothes and tall shoes that are most attractive to men? We only get one life and you want her to waste a substantial percentage of her waking life on going through the hair and makeup motions and stuffing her body into uncomfortable clothes, why? So that you’re a little more attracted to her? Selfish.
Get gym memberships together and make that date night a few days a week. My wife and I do it, I see many couples coming together at our gym, it’s fun a sociable.
Is she Indian?
I see a divorce coming rip
You probably married the wrong person, honestly.
without reading all that, just the headline: you didnt get fit for her.
If you don’t like the way she looks now… just wait until those kids DESTROY her body.
She does not respect you as you deserved, just leave her, king 👑
Exercise together. Brisk walks, other cardio. Compliment her often.
It’s reasonable of you to want her to look after herself and dress nice. But if she doesn’t want to, then you’re stuck.
Options:
The former is much easier. The latter causes chaos.
You could also work on what your idea of sexy is. Did she dress in high heels, short skirts and red lipstick? That’s a bit route one. Maybe try to expand your sexy radar to encompass what she wears and does now. The schoolmarm look is popular for some…
The comments on this post make me incredibly sad. There is a very obvious response to this post and almost everyone got it wrong. I hate it here.
Make it a couples thing. Do couples activity, so to be sure she is training and feels better.
Tell her: i want to go tennis with you, and make sure you play tennis 2 times a week.
Things like that. Otherwise, some people want to play the victim and just say “he cheated on me” whilst they were not picking up on the signs of intimacy decline
You’re pussyfooting around, which is the issue. You need to tell your wife what’s going on. You should try to be as non judgemental or accusatory as you can because this will be a difficult thing for her to hear. Focus more on the impacts to her health than your attraction to her, but make sure she knows you are struggling with the physical attraction.
If your wife freaks out and says you’re in the wrong, you now know she will NEVER work to be the woman she was when you two got married. You can do what you choose with that information, but just know she will not be bettering herself anytime soon, if ever.
If your wife takes the info ok or needs time to think, you have a chance. Take that chance and when she seems ready, ask if she wants ideas on workouts or if she wants to workout together. Don’t push her hard in the beginning. Let her set the pace if she chooses, but always offer to help. Start cooking better food since weight truly does start in the kitchen. If she usually cooks, ask her if she can cook specific meals you know would be healthier, without saying that’s why. Basically, be the leader here and guide her to a healthier life.
And for anyone who thinks this is wrong, I don’t care. Both men and women can be impacted by loss of physical attraction and that’s normal. You can still love your partner and struggle with physical attraction. The love usually doesn’t fade unless your partner absolutely will not make changes for the better because that’s essentially them saying you’re not worth the effort.
Your marital issues are more than just being in shape.. also do fitness for you not others.
I say couples counseling, but I’ll be honest. I doubt you actually love your wife as much as you claim. If it’s JUST that she’s let herself go, I think you were more in love with an idea of her. I agree looks and attraction are important, but there’s more to attraction that looks. The hottest person on earth can be held back by a nasty personality or boring hobbies. I would try to figure out what the actual thing is that you don’t like. You say it’s her appearance, but it’s pretty clear you dislike her lack of effort. That goes deeper than looks, and is more about behavior. Neither of you are doing anything inherently wrong, but this relationship is going to end with one or both of you resenting the other (if it hasn’t happened already). Neither my spouse or I are in the best shape, and I theoretically could break up with him and find someone more fit. But I don’t want to do that, because me being attracted to him isn’t the only reason I’m with him. There are years of good memories and love that are the foundation of our relationship. If I didn’t like the majority of him, I never would have decided to marry him in the first place. Many people say love isn’t enough, but I would argue that attraction isn’t enough either. You’ve spent all this time worrying about you being attracted to her, but is she still attracted to you? Does she love you the same way that you claim to love her? I hope that you both can work through this, but it sounds like you two just aren’t compatible. You both want different things, and seem unwilling to have the hard talk. There is a high chance that one of you is going to end up being the villain in the other’s story, and you just need to accept that.
Sounds like you’re in the final stage: Tell her shes not as attractive as before and shes letting herself go, while you’re still making an effort for both of you.
However, this is Reddit, where a lot of people take pride in being unattractive (espec those with unattractive partners or who are the unattractive partner) so you will be the villain.
Dump her, then she’ll get back into shape and you can hook up again
She is just going to get worse. Better reconsider your marriage.
I thought it said I got a fit for my wife, that might have gotten better results.
I can stop you already at sentence 2.
Dated for 2 years and then married?
Wtf bro.
Only because someone tells you is not depressed that doesn’t mean they aren’t. To tell that she would need tests and interviews with a therapist.
I know everyone here is saying counseling but in my opinion, you could save a lot of money by sitting her down and telling her the hard truth. Be ready because you’re going to be labeled an asshole but if you did the work to stay attractive for her, then there’s no reason why she can’t reciprocate. This is how the beginning of an affair originates. Physical attraction is extremely important and if she’s already letting herself go in her 30’s then damn, imagine down the road? You have to have this conversation sooner rather than later. I’m a woman and if my partner sat me down and told me this (mind you unless there was a legitimate reason like recovering from an illness or after having a kid) it would be a wakeup call to get it together. Good luck.
Get as fit as possible until she gets jelous 🙂