My wife and I have been having recurring arguments lately, and I’ve come to realise my lack in emotional intelligence is the main cause. It is not just because I mess up initially, but because of how I handle it afterward. I’m writing here hoping someone can help me break this cycle.
Here’s the pattern:
I’ll do something wrong, usually something that seems small on the surface, like not fully listening to her. She’ll point it out, but instead of just owning up to it, I reflexively make excuses. I’ll say something to justify my actions (or lack of) to show her I didn’t mean to have bad intentions.
At that point, she understandably gets frustrated. To her, it feels like I’m not acknowledging what I did and instead am trying to dodge responsibility. And she’s right. I see it after the fact, but in the moment, I just get defensive. I do apologise to her, albeit too late.
Now I’m still focusing on the original thing but she’s focusing on how I’ve handled the disagreement.
This part is where I really lack in emotional intelligence and become so lost, helpless and guilty – even for days, at what to do make this situation better and show my wife I love and care. She’s hurt and frustrated at me for my lack of emotional intelligence in making her feel better.
At this stage, I try and fail to communicate to her about the issue, I often focus on the past or make promises about the future. She is over me, and doesn’t give me much – often stating I told you everything, or that I’m not addressing the issue.
This keeps happening and I don’t want it to anymore. I want to be better, not just at avoiding the mistakes, but at responding better when they happen, and improving my ability to show her I understand, care and love her.
I would love any advice or common experiences in this area, thank you.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
First off, I commend you for wanting to see some self-improvement and recognizing your failure to be accountable.
I would recommend you find a really good therapist. 6 sessions with a capable therapist who also recommends some good self-help books could really set you on the right path and change your life.
Remember: you can only change yourself, no one else. And when you do change, it will change the dynamic between you and your wife.
Good luck.
if you want a band-aid solution while you get about the business of getting to the root of things, learn to say ‘sorry, didn’t realize’ as your reflex response. it will take you very, very far.
Good luck, you got this!
I was in your shoes once – read the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg, and you’ll be able to master your conversation skills so you don’t end up in petty arguments all the time. She’d benefit from it, too. Good luck.
Don’t be defensive or make excuses. Really listen to her. Reassure her. We are complicated creatures, and we may say,’ You’re not listening to me’. We may mean we need m9re 9fvyour attention.
Write yourself sticky notes and leave them where you will see them
is it a lack of emotional intelligence or do one or both of you struggle with emotional regulation. also, it should be you and her against the problem not you against each other. no one wins arguments and everything needs a resolution and usually an apology.
I like the advice that has been given and I just want to add that the self realization in these moments of poor communication is a great first step. We have unlimited knowledge at our fingertips (the internet, books, podcasts), utilize them!
Work with a therapist