situation: im (31f) married, the person i talked to (35m) i have known for 15 years and they have partner.
my husband knows the person and knows we’re long term friends, but not that we had a romantic moment 10 years ago where we slept together a few times when we were both single for around a month, then it ended, then years later we became friends.
anyway. i called the guy a few weeks ago to catch up and we caught up on eachothers lives and partners and then we reflected back on what happened with us, he said it was so long ago and i said he was ‘it’ for me then, i really liked him and that i was so upset when it didnt work out. he said we were young and we were figuring it out and its okay. then we talked about other stuff and our partners and ended the call. i messaged him the next day saying it was nice to talk and to call back to finish our chat and he never replied.
i had this sinking feeling that i guess talking about the past, was highly inappropriate. i dont want/like him now, we obviously both have partners and we rarely ever talk, but saying i liked him back then and he was it for me at that time and i was sad i messed it up at the time was not the right thing to say. i feel really anxious and am spiraling that ive been super inappropriate and cheated on my husband and am freaking out. ive decided to end my friendship with the guy here on out, but id love your opinion on it all. i do have anxiety/ocd and tend to overthink and ruminate so im not sure if im taking this too far and everything is fine?
TLDR: talked to a guy i had a thing with 10+ years ago recently and we talked about how we really liked each other and i said sorry for messing it up and now im worried ive been super inappropriate to my husband for doing that and im freaking out
Comments
Would you be fine if your husband said those things to his ex? Everything isn’t fine.
You didn’t cheat but it is a good idea to stop being friends. I wouldn’t mention it to your husband because it could come across as you still want to be with that person instead of your husband from your wording.
I completely relate to you spiraling in that way, but I really don’t feel like saying what you said is in any way shape or form “cheating”. It’s not even emotional cheating.
Maybe it’s just something you needed to say to that friend, because it weighted on your heart.
I wouldn’t end the friendship over that, BUT. Allowing it to go into the “remember when you did this and that to me ?”, and any kind of flirtatious message would be emotional cheating. And if you feel yourself going into that territory, or that you feel you could potentially go there if your friend responded in an engaging way… Ending it is indeed the thing to do. But that’s not the feeling I got from reading your post.
Are there things that your partner has said to you that might feed that anxiety? Would you feel safe confiding in them that this happened, so that it doesn’t weight over you anymore?
Don’t call that guy again.
This isn’t cheating. Maybe what you’re reacting to is that your husband doesn’t know the full story with this guy, plus you reminiscing with this friend, conjuring up those old memories, and then your friend not getting back to you makes you feel like maybe reminiscing was some kind of “come on” and thus disloyal. If your friend had texted you back and the vibe was normal, I’m sure you’d be fine right now.
But it sounds like you’ve checked in with yourself and there is no vibe from your end. Just memories. Let it lie. Give it a month. Tell your husband the truth (broadly) about this friend, perhaps.
Who knows that went trough that man’s brain. Maybe it sounded to him that you’re still having regrets, maybe not, but does it really matter? You have your husband, you are happy. I don’t think you cheated, even emotionally because, at least with what you said, you didn’t mean it in a way of missing being close to that guy and wanting the closeness with him, you just said facts.
If I was in your place (not telling you to do it but simply saying it based off of my personality) I’d text the dude saying that I’m sorry if I made it awkward but just for my closure I want him to know I didn’t mean anything by it other by stating the facts of the past and that ultimately I would never want to change anything because I live now a life I could have never even imagined back then.
Yes, you emotionally cheated, but it was extremely brief and accidental (from the information you give). You’ve realised it’s wrong, and have put in steps to rectify the situation. As long as you genuinely don’t have feelings for him (that would have to be addressed separately), and it was just a slip of the tongue, I would just forget about it, and never tell your partner. No point upsetting him.
I know a lot of people on Reddit will blow this up into a massive thing, but it wholly depends on your intentions. If you legit just accidentally word vomitted, and you are kicking yourself, just forget it ever happened and move on.
The beginning of inappropriate relationships often starts like this. He is an honorable man and values his partner so he never replied. The first chat was polite and to catch up. You seem to bait him for more. Learn from this experience and wish you the best.