To start, my family are very strict and very devout Jehovah’s Witnesses, going back to my great grandparents. My family fully believes in it and are very proud of who they are. Back in 2021, I left the religion, my family cut off all contact with me (as they are told to do according to the rules of the religion), and I moved states away, about a 7-8 hour drive away.
I haven’t heard from them since, and since growing up my parents were toxic and my childhood wasn’t great, I’m not too terribly broken up about it. My boyfriend and I are coming up on our 2 year anniversary, and he knows a little about my family but has a hard time thinking my family wouldn’t want any kind of updates on what’s going on with my life. He’s Jewish and was raised in the religion but left as an adult and still talks to and has a good relationship with his religious parents, and I’ve already met and spent time with his family, and even talk to his mom fairly frequently.
He and I had been talking about moving in together and he mentioned that he’d at the very least, would like to meet my mom and brothers once so they can know who I’m with and planning to spend my life with. I once told him that under certain circumstances (death in the family, serious medical issues, etc), the family is allowed to let the one who left know and talk a little about it and vice versa, and he feels us planning to move in together and take the next step is important enough for a small conversation with them, even if it’s just a phone or video call.
But I know my family, and based off how they were with a couple of my family members leaving the religion in the past, they will never pick up the phone or agree to call or meet in any capacity. I had an uncle who left when I was 14 and up until I left, any time he was brought up, they talked about him like he was dead, and his own kids openly said they have no interest in ever seeing him again if he won’t come back to the religion, and they have a better father figure in their congregation.
I’m not sure how to tell my boyfriend that my family has no interest in my life with him without it sounding like a huge red flag or like I’m trying to hide him from my family. I love him a lot and want a long life with him, but it feels like an issue that could hurt his feelings or something. What can I tell him? How can clearly tell him this is 100% on my family and it doesn’t reflect on him or my thoughts and feelings about him and us?
TL;DR: My family are Jehovah’s Witnesses that stopped talking to me after I left the religion, but my boyfriend of 2 years has expressed an interest in meeting them once since we’ve been discussing moving in together. How can I tell him my family has no interest in my life with him as long as neither of us are in their religion without it sounding like a red flag on my end or being overall hurtful?
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Jehovah’s Witnesses, to try and put it neutrally, do have something of a reputation for being cold to apostates.
If this is a guy you’re going to be in a serious relationship, then he’ll have to come to appreciate what it means that you’re being formally shunned by your family. Better to have that conversation up front.
He should understand. If he cannot, he might be the wrong partner for someone with a complicated background like yours. Just be direct and honest with him. Your family has disavowed you for your apostasy and he needs to approach his relationship with you like he would an orphan – your family is unavailable to meet him through no fault of yours.
Would it help if you were to give him an official written description of the religion, saying that family who leave the religion must be cut off? Tell him that those are the rules, that your parents will not disobey the rules, therefore you are NC with them and you cannot change that. This is not a red flag. The reality is that you cannot make your parents do what he wants them to do. I have a friend who married a guy who was Jehovah’s Witnesses, and his parents have never met their 3 grandkids.
I’m concerned that he’s insisting on meeting people who cut contact with you.
Its a completely understandable and convincing fact that your parents abandoned you for leaving their cult. You exercised your first Amendment- right of freedom.
What’s funny is its not you, but your parents who need to convince the world the logic of abandoning their blood not because you are grave immoral sinner but just for unfollowing their cult.
“Boyfriend, I need you to listen to me here. I lived with my family for X years. I know them. I know what happens to people that leave the religion.
Please drop this. It’s beginning to feel like you don’t trust me to navigate my own life, and it’s frankly belittling. If you want resources on how JWs treat apostates, I will happily point you in the right direction. But please trust that I know my own family and drop this.”
I’m asking this seriously: is he dumb?
JW’s cutting off ex members is well documented. Same is many religions. He can look this up and read as many first hand descriptions of it as he needs.
edit: send him this- https://www.reddit.com/r/exjw/comments/15el9fv/shunning_is_absolutely_terribly_real/
If he loves you he will understand and provide you the support you need to make the next step. Also showing interest in his parent will show him it’s a ‘your’ parents thing – not necessarily something inherently about you.
No expectation about ever meeting them – yes there are people who I know will take this to their grave and start with that being the baseline and work backwards.
“They won’t talk to me because excomm rules. Let me show you. See, they didnt pick up.”
The red flag is him not trusting you about your own family.
Send him on over to r/ex-jw and he can learn all about thousands of people whose families will never speak to them again because of that religion.
Give him their phone number and let him find out for himself
He knows you were raised as a Jehova’s Witness. You told him your family is off the table. It will take him five minutes to Google and learn what the situation is.
He still insist that he knows better than you. That’s not a good look. He refuses to accept your personal lived experience as more real than his imagination.
The good news is that your family won’t want to see you. The bad news is that he totally will invite them behind your back. To me, that’s not a safe person.
Have him watch this episode of Leah Remini: Aftermath featuring Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s on Tubi and free to watch
Tell him to google JW on the internet. Let him know many consider it a cult. Then let him know he needs to respect you on this matter.
I worked with someone who left JW. It’s shocking how coldly they treat people – their own family – if they leave.
Point him at any of several web sites and let him learn what Jehovah’s Witnesses are, and what disfellowshipping entails.
I get it, he doesn’t take your word because he doesn’t understand. So tell him to educate himself.
Just tell him straight up
He really needs to sit down and do some reading or watch some videos. There are a ton of stories from other apostates. Have him do at least an hour of his own research. Give him some search terms and turn him loose. Tell him you will debrief with him after.
That is some heavy ****. He won’t understand after just an hour, but it gives him a place to start.