I (32 F) have been with my fiancé(29 M) for more than a year now and we plan on marrying soon. Last week I had to take a late train (at around 1am) back home and a male foreigner sat beside me and struck up a conversation and said that he’s having a hard time practicing the language and making friends in this country. So I didn’t think much about it (naive in hindsight), the conversation was totally normal, not ANY kind of flirting, and I thought it’s nice to help him practice the language. Shortly before the train arrived he asked me if we could talk more and asked for my instagram. I said I had a fiancé and didn’t want any misunderstandings and he said he just wants new friendships. I felt very anxious and uncomfortable and didn’t wanna be rude and just wanted to get out of the train and home, so I gave in and added him (at the time he didn’t seem scary to me, but I was still super anxious). I blocked him as soon as I was sure that he was out of sight.
Just to make it very clear, I had no interest in him whatsoever and I love my fiancé more than the word and any other man is just a human shaped blob. But I still feel so guilty that I didn’t just say no multiple times. And I feel stupid that I fell for his “I just want new friends” line (unless he actually meant it). I’m very introverted and never went out much and have social anxiety so I’m very bad with situations like that.
My friend says I didn’t do anything wrong necessarily but I also shouldn’t tell my fiancé. I’m not sure whether I should tell him or not or whether this would just unnecessarily upset him? I had no bad intentions, I’m just a pushover. I thought it’s easier to say yes and then block him than to just say no. I need to work on that, I know that now more than ever. My anxiety tells me I fucked up big time. But am I redeemable? And what can I do now? I haven’t eaten the last 2 days because my anxiety and guilt is killing me. I really need some perspective and help, please
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Talk it out, there’s nothing to be afraid of if it was harmless and your fiancé should understand.
Hmmm i don’t think it’s that big of a deal??
Your fiancé should be able to understand the situation being you blocked the guy immediately. If you feel he may react negatively maybe you need to re- evaluate your relationship.
Girl relax, as a woman I completely understand how tricky those situations can be, we never know what their true intentions are and we tend to feel forced to be nice, if I was you I’d tell my fiancé things as they happened and before that I’d probably block that person from my instagram because let’s be honest let rarely ever look for friends and if they really do they’ll most likely go towards other men. But I promise it’s nothing to torture yourself about
Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Is your fiance the kind of person to get upset if you talk to any guys? His reaction should be that you did the smart thing here.
You didn’t do anything wrong but you should still tell your partner. These things tend to come out
OP, *why* are you suffering such anxiety?
Is it because you know your fiance’ is going to make a huge deal out of it and turn it into a massive fight?
You shouldn’t tell the person you’re going to marry?? Your friends don’t seem to know what they’re talking about just tell him what happened and explain the circumstances he should understand
Better to share what happened with your fiance now and have an awkward conversation instead of him discovering this on his own, jumping to his own conclusions and possibly ruining your relationship.
Why are you anxious over this? Is your fiance jealous?
This sort of anxiety over giving a stranger your IG handle is really odd to me. Maybe I’m old, but this isn’t a big deal at all. Even if you didn’t block him, more than likely in a month you’d look at your IG list and be like “who TF is this?” and delete him anyway.
Omg – so you added a stranger you had no interest in on instagram and immediately deleted them? I genuinely don’t understand why this is an issue and why you’d “confess” it to your partner. I certainly wouldn’t mention it to my partner and wouldn’t expect him to tell me if he was in a similar situation.
There’s really no reason to be so anxious unless you’re in a dangerously controlling relationship. This was literally fleeting human contact.
Seriously? It’s Instagram who cares? I can’t believe you’re making such a big deal out of this. And next time if it’s going to make you freak out so much say no.
You did nothing wrong but you should tell him.
I actually just told a friend about this today. When I was 13, I was waiting for a bus outside my house to go meet my boyfriend in the nearest city, a 45-minute bus ride away. A man from down the road who I knew of but had never interacted with stopped and offered me a lift. I said no, he said, “Come on, the bus could be ages, you might as well get a lift.” I wanted to say no again but I mentally froze, said okay and then panicked the whole way in the car. Nothing happened, but it still fills me with dread looking back.
>I’m just a pushover.
No, you’re not. You’re a normal human trying to survive. Nothing bad happened, but that state of freeze and fawn is a totally normal reaction to discomfort. Further, your thinking brain will go, “Ah, but we would have survived this situation even if we’d said no,” but your lizard brain is like, “We survived a life or death situation with compliance, note that down for future life or death situations.” I’m 35 and pushing through that instinct and standing up for myself has been a struggle I’m nowhere near getting past yet. If someone is directly being shitty to me, yes, I’ll stand my ground, but if I’m just in an awkward social situation, I often can’t. It’s something I need to be able to do to advocate for my autistic son and I’m really trying, but it is an internal battle every time.
If you can’t tell the person you plan to spend your life with that you felt deeply uncomfortable in a social situation and did what you felt you had to to get out of it, they’re probably not the right person to spend your life with. You’ll either feel better for telling him or you’ll find out what sort of person he is.
Also, don’t go to that friend for advice again, they’re not good at giving it.
If someone I was dating got upset at me for this I would not want to date them. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I understand maybe feeling shame about struggling to hold boundaries (not saying no in the moment), but sometimes saying yes in the moment and blocking later is the smarter thing to do. And I would also invite you to release any shame you might hold over struggling with boundaries. Many of us do. But we can get better at it with practice.
You did what you had to do to get out of a potentially serious situation. You blocked him immediately. It was a smart thing to do. Women find themselves in these situations and have to do worse to get out safely. I’m proud of you.
As others have said, if you feel like you should talk this out with your fiance then do so. Personally I would come straight home and tell my partner. I would explain to them that I was in this really shitty situation where I didn’t feel like I could refuse safely and so I gave my Instagram. And as I’ve seen mentioned before, I would block them. If you and your fiance are a strong couple, this is not even a bump in the road. It’s your fiance hearing that you were in an uncomfortable and potentially very dangerous situation and you did what you needed to do. That’s it.
Doesn’t feel like a big deal to me, it’s not uncommon for women to feel like the best option is to “play nice” to remove themselves from a situation.
If you’re really struggling with guilt, feel free to explain the situation to your partner, as well as the fact that youve presumably removed and blocked this person. If his reaction is anything other than understanding, then this feels like a really serendipitous thing to have happened, in order for you to evaluate your relationship, and double check you and your partner are on the same page as regards any differences in what constitutes “appropriate” behaviour
If you tell it to him just like that and he has a problem then there’s absolutely nothing more you can do. He can’t be reasoned with. Everything you said there showed all the healthy ways that you’re supposed to resolve conflict you obviously felt nervous so safety was potentially a concern and you used the most efficient way of getting out of a situation. you are aware of the perceived disrespect you are taking accountability for it you immediately rectified the situation by blocking him apologizing for it and acknowledging that you could handle the situation better next time that you feel there’s work you can do to prevent from repeating the behavior you feel disrespected your fiance.
That’s like all the things you need for a legitimate genuine apology to count.
And as a protective person I wouldn’t want any random person having any kind of personal information that they could use to stalk you with the reality is he should be grateful and reassured knowing how you felt and handled the situation because men know that they can’t keep every dude who’s attracted to you away only you can do that.
Your fiancé should just feel relieved that you got home safe. Pretty much any other reaction is a red flag.