I am wanting honest advice on how to move on from this. I (32F) have feelings for a coworker (44 m) meanwhile I love my (32 m) husband. I can’t get another job and nothing sideways has happened but even though I try my hardest to just push my feelings aside I can’t shake them.
I even told my husband (not in details, he didn’t want to know more) about it cause I felt so guilty and I love and respect him. He said as long as you still love and want to be with me and nothing has happened he understands that I’m human and that’s a human emotion.
Would a therapist be able to help with this? Im not sure what they could do. Nothing is wrong with my marriage and I’m not even saying that in a delusional way. I love my husband, he is my best friend and am not lacking in our marriage as far as I have analyzed.
I am having a hard time letting go of this. I tried changing my schedule and sometimes my feelings are less strong than others but regardless I still feel pained that I can’t be close to this other man and also guilty that I want more.
If anyone else had this issue how did you move on so it didn’t make you miserable? Did you just have to deal with your feelings forever?
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He’s 44???!!! Let go of it 😭
Personally, I believe we have more control over our feelings than we give ourselves credit for. Get over it- you’re going to ruin your marriage.
What you don’t do, is thrown away a guy who loves you and committed to take care of you for the rest of his life, for a brief sexual tryst.
What you do is realize that you’re being selfish and stupid and you are actively hurting a wonderful man who is giving his life to you.
If it’s that damn hard to look away, quit the damn job before you ruin the rest of your life.
Crushes are natural. We’re all human and It doesn’t sound like you want to blow up your marriage for this other guy so as long as you can see it for what it is and not act on it. I don’t see a problem.
Therapy would likely be paying someone to tell you the same thing.
Crushes are super normal and they’ll pass.
How long have you had these “feelings”? Do you text him at all hours or see him outside of work? Or would you say this is just a crush?
Nitpick things about this guy in your head until he becomes unattractive to you. Ie. Him chewing too loudly. Him making an annoying face. Him coming into work late. Him being too self-absorbed. Whatever he talks about is annoying. Etc.
Does this coworker know about your feelings and reciprocates?
If you spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about this coworker you should try r/limerance.
Invest more time in your marriage. Flirt with your husband more, go on fun dates together and either reignite the spark or stoke the already blazing fire! It’s human to have feelings for other humans, I don’t believe in soul mates, I think there are many options for people to be happy.
It could be helpful to talk with your therapist though? You may be lacking something in your relationship you aren’t completely aware of. I was in a similar situation as you and when I spoke to my therapist and our couples counselor I found out that I didn’t feel understood by my husband in certain areas. We worked on it, I cut all communication and interaction with the other person and focused on my marriage. I loved my husband deeply through all of this too! And still so. My feelings for him never diminished, and turns out I didn’t even like this other person I just liked how they made me feel.
You’re not a bad person. Talk to your therapist/a therapist and dig into it a little!! You might find more than you expect.
You developed feelings for a reason. Where you hanging out with this coworker a lot? We don’t just develop feelings out of nowhere, so it’s likely you established a very close relationship with this person at work. You need to distance yourself and stop entertaining it. You need to avoid this coworker as much as you can.
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You can’t shake the feeling because you don’t realize what you’ll lose. You have a husband you can be honest with. It seems like there’s so much peace and understanding between you two that you’re taking it for granted. To have someone you can talk to about this… who understands. Wow. Clearly you have both built something that could sink ships.
Now, something is lacking- maybe that yearning or romanticism but there’s something you need from your husband that you aren’t getting from him.
Have you both read the 5 love languages? Have you two ever done counseling?
When is the last time you felt in love, butterflies, need?
If you can’t answer that please take this to your hubby and suggest counseling.
And remember- feelings are fleeting. They change on a whim. Risking anything as if you have no control is a lie. It is a choice. I’m glad you’re making steps towards getting this solved 💗 Stay. Strong.
I mean I have crushes on people I work with. While I’m polyam and could pursue them, I don’t date or do anything with people I work for obvious reasons. Just realize yours not going to happen and distance yourself from them as much as possible and stop thinking about them as a potential person.
Avoid eye contact..
Keep a distance.
This happened to my wife.. except she cheated on me with my the co-worker. Guess what happened. As soon as I found out; I peaced out. I had a “glow up”. It was such a glow up I was dating all types of woman. The second my wife caught wind of this, well she got super jealous. Her feelings for her 45 Year Old Affair Partner co-worker started to fade. They eventually ended things and he even exploded with her calling her names when she broke it off. She saw a side of him that she wouldn’t normally see at work. Meanwhile, I’m dating, working out, being the best version of myself. I was thriving. She was miserable. We eventually got back together. Im not saying it was the best decision but i don’t regret getting back together. I guess what i am saying, get away from this guy. Smarten up. Chances are this guy really wants the opportunity to sleep with you. He most likely doesnt care about you especially if he flirts with you knowing that youre married. The man is trash and you cant trust him.
Stop talking to your coworker. Tell him to stop talking to you.
It’s strong right now cause it’s still super open and casual and you think you have it under control.
It’ll pass in a few weeks.
Stop.
Consider getting an Emwave. It’s a small instrument that can clear your mind. I used it to clear my mind during depression. I was over the depression in three days . Not a drug
Just uses a breathing exercise. Takes 5 minutes three times daily. I don’t sell them and am not associated with the company at all.
Good luck
My best friend wife caught feelings for me. They are also the Godparents to my adult son.
I stayed away after he told me. At his Moms funeral we all went out to celebrate the life lived. I was so obnoxious, toxic and such a JERK. It was fun… she got the ick.
If he is honorable. Tell him he will be flattered beyond measure.
But a real man would never break a family apart. He can aid you in breaking that feeling. Especially since you do not know the beast within.
Try having more intercourse with your husband before you go to work or masturbate before work this helps takes the temptations away .
What is it about him that you like? What does he do that creates this feeling inside you that he can somehow fulfil something your husband can’t?
You need to pull apart and assess yourself. At the end of the day this has nothing to do with this other man and everything to do with yourself. What’s missing within yourself that YOU aren’t seeking to fulfil in a healthy way? If you really want this to stop, take a good hard look in the mirror and don’t let yourself believe you are a victim of your nature.
Your husband sounds super understanding. Ask yourself if things escalated between you and this coworker and didn’t work out, would you regret losing everything you have now with your husband?
Typically when we have crushes on someone we only see the “good” and not the bad. You haven’t even seen the bad to this coworker and these temporary feelings can all fade once these things are exposed to you. In my personal opinion, nothing is ever worth losing your husband over, especially some guy you don’t know day in and day out like your husband. Don’t throw something good away for temporary feelings. Bond with your husband again and start dating your husband to keep the flame burning.
First, is the guy at work flirting with you? Is this an affair simply waiting for your acquiesce to begin?
Look up the work of Dr. John Gottman: Making Marriage Work is based thousands of human studies regarding relationships. He studied what causes divorce and what helped those married 30 plus years to make it work
Avoid him don’t engage ..
Leave the job. Even if you have to switch careers. Don’t chance your marriage and vows. Remove yourself from the situation now, before you get any more attached
I think its biologically normal to have admiration/ crush on opposite sex. And sometimes its quite healthy too. For example a girl liking a guy in her industry in senior role might be motivated to work harder because she admire the guy. But always remember that its always your husband that have supported u during your lowest. And the reason why u can be here in the first place is because of the support from your husband when youre still on your lowest.
I had also crush on a guy back when i was with my ex. And decided to broke up w ex thinking that this new guy could be better. But when i broke up and was single, i just realized that i could be confident everyday because of my ex! The glow and the confidence was from him and everything he has invested.
Ever since that day i never took any next man for granted
Tell your husband to divorce you
Guuuurl, get yourself a therapist and also now you need marriage counseling. Fix it, from the neck up, that is if you want to keep your marriage or let the man go so he can find someone that only has eyes for him.
from my personal experience, in order to completely get over the crush either find small “icks” about this person and make sure you dont forget. or you need to completely cut contact. idk how realistic this is but I think maybe it might be best to find a different job in order to make your husband feel more comfortable and to help you get over the crush completely. but don’t beat yourself up about this, crushes are natural. but I believe you can definitely control the size of the crush through minimal contact and developing “icks” about the person
You don’t love your husband or you wouldn’t be focused on another man. You have already betrayed your husband by telling him. Can you imagine if he told you that he loved one of his coworkers. Control yourself woman or you’ll destroy your marriage completely. Go to work. Stop fooling around. Focus on your work or you won’t have a husband or a job.
My parents have been in marriages where cheating has occurred. They made an agreement that while they understand it’s normal to have human desires, you never put yourself in a situation where you can give into them.
i.e. DO NOT: interact with outside of professional interactions, spend time with him 1:1, communicate with him outside of work comms (like email, teams, slack), share details on your personal life or have conversations about his personal life, etc.
Therapy can help you figure out why you’re entertaining the crush if you’re having a hard time shaking it! Crushes are normal so don’t beat yourself up but definitely be proactive on finding out more about yourself through it!
Reverse this situation, do whatever you’d want your husband to do in this situation.
I think the opposite of what everyone is saying, I think you’re giving this thought too much importance and that’s why it’s become such a problem. You’re convinced it means something deeper and that’s why it isn’t going away, the more you try to make it go away the more it sticks around because you’re devoting so much time and energy to it.
A therapist could be useful here in helping you learn how to ignore something instead of imbuing it with deeper meaning. It’s perfectly normal to find something attractive about another person and I think if you could just accept that and forgive yourself for being human you’d get over this crush.
You’re so lucky to have a mature husband! I’ve delt with work crushes before and have successfully moved past them into positive working relationships. Advice here about focusing on flaws with the work crush, giving it time, and working with a therapist to see if maybe there are things missing in your relationship with your husband that you don’t realize are spot on.
The bit here that I don’t see is giving yourself grace to just be human. Don’t beat yourself up, biological reactions like this even if they impact your thoughts, are natural and you are continuing to choose your husband and not act on the thoughts.
Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the man and you’ll realize you have nothing in common.
Streets
Having a crush isn’t the same as having strong feelings for someone. Finding out which it is will help you determine how to handle it.
If it’s a crush, just acknowledge it’s a crush and nothing serious.
However if it’s strong feelings (which seems like this may be the case if you’re wanting a deeper relationship with them) then you need to implement boundaries between you and how you interact with the individual. No personal talk, keep it professional. Don’t socialize, you’re there to work. And definitely work with a therapist to help you work through implementing boundaries.
You need to figure out what’s missing in your marriage and work on it. Get therapy. Start with individual and go from there.
I am sorry that you are struggling with your infatuation with a co-worker. Psychologists often say that individuals who neglect to do the work frequently end up in relationships with their unfinished business. In your case, your unfinished business is manifesting in troublesome emotions and behaviors.
At the risk of offending you, what was your early family life like? Were you touched by divorce, alcoholism, abuse, foster care, neglectful parenting, to name a few? There is no shame in discussing childhood trauma because, to a certain degree, everyone has been affected by it.
I am not saying this is you, but an example of childhood trauma might be growing up in a chaotic household with inconsistent and erratic parenting. Alcoholism or divorce might be involved. Boundaries were nonexistent.
So, the individual recreates a type of impulsivity and lack of boundaries due to an unresolved hurt. In any event, I would encourage you to find a therapist to unpack any traumas that might be causing your feelings. That you are so open and vulnerable with your husband is a good beginning.
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You don’t want to be out here in these dating streets. You don’t want these dating apps and this mess. That man could be premium manosphere, red pilled asshole for all you know. He could be terrorizing some poor woman with stale conversation and “I don’t ask questions” on an app as I type this. You have a husband you can talk to who you love and understand. Do what it takes to save yourself from the dating pool
Editing to add actual advice: you don’t actually know this man, so the majority of your crush is you filling in blanks with positives and fantasy. Change all your thoughts of him to work related competence. Any time you catch yourself thinking of him as a person, decide to think about your husband and his positives instead.
Do you think you have actual feelings for this person or that you have an infatuation with what “things could be”. Id honestly just remind yourself how much you love and appreciate your husband and how not worth it, it would be to act on your feelings.
is OP worth ending your marriage? is he worth the outcome? losing your job? if not walk away. OP is a distraction, real outcome will happen, job loss, marriage ending. if that’s not enough to be a deterrent your screwed. you will be a crying ex-wife that will lose her husband and probably her job change jobs go to your supervisor or HR if one and remove yourself from the problem.
You wrote: “I even told my husband (not in details, he didn’t want to know more) about it cause I felt so guilty and I love and respect him.” What an incredibly selfish act! You selfishly transferred your negativity to your husband so you could feel better about yourself and infidelity. Yes, this is emotional cheating. Control yourself and be faithful to your husband by stopping immediately.
This sounds like Limerence. A therapist could definitely help with intrusive thoughts and how to work through getting over this unwanted feeling.
This is what I would do: Stop all interactions between the two of you, except for minimal work interactions. Block them on phone. Stop treating this like something happening to you, and start actively redirecting your own thoughts. He pops up in your head redirect to thinking of your husband. You think of him, immediately think of something you hate.
Find a new job and stop allowing yourself to get this close to co-workers in the future.
You’ve mentally checked oit of your current relationship, do rhe honorable thing, its time to move on
It’s just r/limerence.
Not love. Crush at best, infatuation at worst.
You do not know him. You do not see all his annoying habits or undesirable traits, and he doesn’t know you at all.
Push over the pedestal you’ve placed him on. That’s where your husband should sit!
First is to stop all communication that isn’t necessary. If you can’t quit your job, can you move positions or departments so you don’t have contact?
I don’t always agree the grass is greener where you water it because there are some relationships that are so hopeless no matter how much water you dump onto them. It sounds like that’s not the case here, though – you have a perfectly good lawn. Water it. If there’s something lacking, find creative ways to get that spark back. Go on dates, go through photos of your husband and you, remember the honeymoon phase, and reminisce. I absolutely love daydreaming about the first few months of dating my boyfriend and how excited I was every time I came over. It was so intense I can still feel it when I close my eyes and go back to those moments of being head over heels. Still very much in love, but 4 years later we’re obviously into the groove of living together and all. The newness and butterflies aren’t a constant thing anymore which is okay, but thinking about falling in love makes me feel like I am all over again.
You need to cut this off. You will eventually give in. Did you marry your husband for love and desire or just to marry. Do what men are recommended to do, date your husband and take him out and show appreciation
. Why can’t you get another job? I know the comments would be completely different and not providing advice if the roles were reversed.
This could be a simple crush, or it could be limerence. But the fact that you phrased it as having feelings for your coworker makes me think it’s the latter.
This exact same thing happened to me. I went to individual therapy, and eventually we went to couples therapy it was too little too late. I realized that I actually wasn’t happy in my marriage. Emotional and physical intimacy were lacking and we both ignored it for years, but this coworker crush forced me to face it. It never was about the coworker. After the divorce, I didn’t end up with my coworker.
Think about your relationship between you and your husband. Think about how long you 2 are together. How hard you two worked to strengthen your bond. What youve been through.
You will see how much weight is behind this bond.
How profound it is.
Really meditate on that.
And then think about the fact that you barely know the other guy, you have only seen his good side. The one he presents.
But there is ALWAYS a bad side.
You are not in love with a real person, you are in love with your idea of a person.
By the way, super cool how you told your husband, very very honest and sincere!
Also your husbands reaction was incredibly mature!
Honestly thank you for giving me a real life prime example of a healthy relationship❤️
Think of the pain and devastation it would do to your family. Think of the fact that you don’t really know this individual. Think of everything you have built with your husband!
You are probably bored. Plan some fun things to do with your husband. Have more date nights. Try exciting things in the bedroom.
But since you told your husband about this crush, he may be feeling a bit anxious. Take HIM out on a date, and show appreciation. Plan something special. Make him feel special. Show him that you love him and that you’re not going anywhere.
Yes, therapy can help. But make sure it’s a good therapist with experience in emotional affairs and limerence. Good luck.
Besides what others have said here, also think.. there’s always a honeymoon phase. If you think about it, you don’t know much about this coworker at all. Of course when something is new, rose-colored glasses are on, the thrill of a new experience. Once the relationship progresses do you see the true nature of a person or their mask drops. It’s also a time where your relationship deepens to more than just the honeymoon phase. You don’t really know this coworker. Use this time to strengthen the relationship between you and your husband. You don’t want to blow up your relationship with your husband.
Sounds like limerence, and if so yes, a therapist could definitely help
You just add distance and keep him as a coworker and don’t get close.
No. The marriage is over. If it weren’t, you wouldn’t have feelings for the other guy. Spare your husband the shame and leave. You’re only hurting him if you stay. Rip the bandaid off and move on with your life.
Limerence. Some therapy and open communication with loved ones will help. I have had two relationships with coworkers, and trust me, it’s a terrible idea.
The problem is that if he expresses any mutual interest, there is a high probability you’ll wind up doing something you’ll regret. Attraction is one of the most powerful human experiences, and a good thing too or we might not be here as a species, and very hard to just ignore and move on if in daily contact with the object of your attraction.
If you value your marriage, find a new job regardless of how difficult it seems. After all, which is more important to you? Also, keep communicating with your husband. His initial reaction may shift after he sits with it for a bit. Good luck.
Picture yourself when you’re seventy-five. You’re still with your partner, happy, unlike so many. That is an ACHIEVEMENT. That doesn’t come by itself, it’s a goal you’ve seen ahead of time and something you’ve worked at together. You’ve overcome every obstacle together and now here you are. You share a lifetime of experience together, a lifetime of memories, a lifetime of love and loyalty.
Now picture the opposite. You’ve had a work affair and thrown away your marriage, with someone who loved only you, for… What? For someone who didn’t value that. You’ve had a trashy affair based only on superficial physical attraction, with someone equally trashy. Oh yes they are, no matter how nice they seem, because they thought nothing of destroying a marriage. A MARRIAGE. A sacred thing, smashed for a quick thrill.
Which future do you want?
Give yourself a good slap upside the head and get real.
Just imagine your coworker holding a bucket of his own shit.
Pick up a copy of the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Read it and take it to heart.
Avoid him as much as is humanly possible at work and don’t contact him at all outside of work. No socializing, no idle chit chat, no messaging. Look for a new job ASAP. Go lurk on r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/SupportForBetrayed and see what you are doing to the one person on earth you vowed to cherish.
Wow. I just want to say that your husband sounds like a keeper. That’s a very level-headed, loving, compassionate response, and I can see why you want to stay with him!
Damn your husband must be a saint, you tell me something like this, you’ll be out on the street before you even finish your sentence.
He understands, fuck is there to understand, you have feelings/are attracted to someone else, great, the house is mine, the door is yours, don’t let it hit you on your way out, i’ll have someone else by tomorrow.
Damn, when did men lose their cojones and became little kitties with the self esteem of a plant?
What in the name of the dude in the sky happened? Just wow….are you sure he is a man, did you see him naked recently, he still has everything functional down there?
I refuse to believe there are men like this out there, that allow themselves to be walked all over. Just wow!
Why is it always the woman?
Just keep doing the right thing until you feel right doing it.
Your husband may have seemed ok with this but seeds of discontent have been planted in his mind. You need to get your head on straight that you could already be losing his trust in you and your marriage. You need to visualize the destruction that these feelings could cause to you and your family.
Just remember, “nothing good will come from this”.
Is it worth losing everything?
I think crushes are normal. Give it some time, stop any unnecessary interactions with this dude, and focus on the guy’s flaws and shortcomings. Think of this as a boring thing that happens sometimes. Making it a big deal in your head will make the feelings more powerful. Focus on doing fun couple things with your husband and feeding that relationship.
When I started my current job I developed a big crush on a coworker. My husband thought it was hilarious, as did I. What I did about it was nothing. I knew it was no big deal and it would go away with time. And it did. As soon as I got to know the coworker more and thought of him as a real person and not a fantasy the crush disappeared. That was about seven years ago. He’s a great coworker and person but not in the least attractive to me.