My husband and I have been getting into arguments quite often. And it usually starts with me feeling upset or hurt by something he’s done, then him telling me I’m overreacting over a very small thing, which perpetuates the feeling and makes me even more upset.
It got to a point where he suggested I go to therapy, because he feels like I’m very emotionally reactive and need to learn how to control my emotions. I am currently in therapy working on it but we still have these fights.
An example is: I came home yesterday and my husband told me our dog wrecked my slippers in the backyard. I asked him what he was doing at the time (my dog wouldn’t have been able to completely ruin slippers in a short amount of time). He said he was busy cleaning the pool. Then I asked if he saw her take the slippers, and how long he was cleaning the pool for. He said he saw it but kept cleaning for about 30min. This is when I said, “Oh, so you let her take the slippers and ruin them”. He got quite upset after that and said from the beginning I kept putting blame on him, and it’s all for just $2 slippers.
To me it wasn’t about the slippers as I couldn’t care about them less, but that he left out information that he didn’t bother to stop our dog and made it seem like it was her fault. He got even more annoyed after that and said I’m making such a big deal over a very small thing. Our fight leading from that was him saying how I need to learn to control my emotions and not overreact to small situations like this. I know I’m much more emotional than he is and am nowhere able to think as logically, and I’m working on that. But I feel so hurt and drained by these arguments and feel like I’m the one with all the problems to fix. I’m struggling with whether I really just need to own up to that and work on it, or whether my feelings are valid?
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Sounds like you started interrogating him and was ready for a fight long before you knew boyfriend didn’t save your shoes. Honestly it’s a really small thing if slippers were 2 dollars. He was busy working there, did you expect him to drop everything, notice that dog had your slippers and run to slippers rescue? You have to learn to let it go
Hold up. So he saw the dog take the slippers or not?
I don’t know how a dog would get slippers from inside while being outside but okay.
As we have a puppy in a chewing stage, it’s everyone’s responsibility to put their stuff away and out of reach. But if someone forgets and you see the dog with something, you take it. Not only to prevent damage but to prevent the dog from eating something and getting an obstruction.
He’s being a dick. That doesn’t seem like you being emotional. Just you holding him accountable which he doesn’t like so he flips it back on you.
Google DARVO. I suspect it will resonate with you.
He was cleaning the pool FFS! If you know your dog is a chewer, put your stuff away. He can’t be everywhere at once. Are you training your dog to stop chewing?
Honestly it sounds like you both need therapy. When you bring your feelings to his attention, he is invalidating and dismissing you. However, the example you gave sounds like you have a deeper issue with him and so you accused him of purposefully neglecting your slippers when there wasn’t really evidence for that. You’re stuck in a cycle of accusation and defensiveness.
So I have pets and I know the pain of losing a shoe or 12 but honestly Bro it’s on you like you can’t really yell at someone because they didn’t protect your shoes from a dog that you own it just happens. I really don’t know if you need therapy or not, but it is a minuscule problem which I think you have the awareness to move past
Ok, so here’s the thing about people who “think logically”. Humans arent math problems. Two different people can be presented with the same human issue (household management, conflict resolution, the entirity of politics), and come up with very different solutions or points of view.
If people are really logical, then they have to understand that experience is subjective, and you need to understand someone else’s point of view, and yes, their emotions, in order to work through problems.
But so often I see people (usually but not always men) who use logic as a defense – is, they have an answer that works for them, and they have convinced themselves that this is the correct answer, and dont want to hear anything else. Then its a trap, because you have to either convince them that the answer they have sold themselves on is not the only possibility, or get frustrated and labeled as overly emotional.
Meanwhile, your husband is being emotional – hes being stubborn, hes not secure enough in his own thought process to be able to hear someone else out, and hes delivering selective information to try and lead you to his conclusion, rather than trusting you to be fair or at least understanding.
The problem isnt the slippers, its the communication. And when one person in a relationship has decided that they are more logical, and that a logical answer is more correct than one that is openly influenced by emotion, yoh cant communicate
I think if your husband started to validate your feelings that would solve this. Life on Venus is hot and if he starts letting you freely express yourself, and listen without judging you or trying to solve the “problem” you would be much happier as a couple. There is a reward with a better sex life for him to have a happy wife.
why are the slippers in a place the dog can get them unsupervised?
Do you say your feelings in a way that honors his communication needs?
have you guys ever talked about this stuff when you’re not fighting or ever done any research into healthy communication?
@jimmy on relationships is pretty great.
Oh dang… rewriting it all again.
Lady… nothing to do with “rational vs emotional”.
That guy is GASLIGHTING you!
He intentionally let YOUR dog ruin YOUR slippers while he cleaned the pool.
He is DEFLECTING. Someone said that it’s called DARVO.
Which is exactly what he does. Neat little narcissist’s move.
That “rational/ emotional” bs is just a collateral minefild which has zero to do with the main goal:
make you feel bad about yourself so that you stop holding him accountable for his actions.
Two things at play here:
And finally: it’s never a good feeling to be dismissed by your partner. In the end, we all just desire to be seen and heard. This whole situation probably wouldn’t have spiralled so out of control if your husband had just validated that it sucked the dog got to your slippers while his focus was elsewhere. Then again, this goes both ways: perhaps he felt unappreciated for the work he was doing on the pool.
So basically your first thought was « he wasn’t watching the dog! How dare he not be more vigilant »?
Did you both want a dog?
Do you know why you are so deeply upset? Is it because you would have wanted to say « hey babe so sorry! Was an idiot and didn’t watch the dog properly. Was just thinking the dog was having fun and was occupied so I could clean the pool without having to intervene with the dog »
Because I think you’re more upset about the fact he didn’t really watch the dog than about the fact that he didn’t tell the whole story and blamed the dog.
Ok so did he see the dog take the shoes or not? It’s not clear from your post
There is nothing wrong with having emotions. It can be a hindrance if they are preventing you from staying in a cognitive state. It’s ok to feel, but you have to think and reflect before you try to speak. Really try to figure out WHY you are annoyed/angry/upset etc. before you begin a conversation.
I don’t know whether this is the case or not, but if you approach someone with an antagonistic attitude you are unlikely to be heard, and they are likely to shut down, or get defensive.
I hope you are working on the communication issues in therapy. It sounds like your spouse could use some therapy to work on his communication as well.
Have you approached your spouse using the “When you do (blank) I feel (insert feelings here)”? It puts things plainly and succinctly without leaving room for argument. You feel what you feel, and are allowed to feel that way. It can be acknowledged and then worked through.
Sometimes we all have to slow down. That is the problems with emotions. When we talk from a more emotional state, we are reacting and not thinking. Try to talk a breath and think, and then try talking. Even if its tomorrow by the time you have thought it through. If you can’t react well in the moment, it’s ok to take a timeout.
Tl;dr – Your feelings are valid, but working on good communication is valid too.
It is very likely you just don’t understand what hormones physically and mentally do to so many women and you cannot even fathom how difficult it is for many men to watch. Most men truly feel the same and mentally are not fogged. It takes so much work
What kind of therapy are you in? Have you heard of DBT? Because it would work well for you.
The example you gave.. you did blame him. It was clear from your questioning and statement that you felt he should stop cleaning the pool, and grab your $2 slippers from the dog.
You say you don’t care about the slippers, that it’s he didn’t stop her. How is that not blaming him?
I’m an emotionally driven person, but reading this- from the outside- it seems like you just want to find things to be upset about. You don’t do it consciously, but that’s exactly what you are doing. And it’s blowing up your marriage.
He’s not “logical”, he’s a gaslighting, manipulating POS. Fix this by leaving his ass and finding someone who respects you.
I think the slippers example is obviously only one incident in a long line of incidents, otherwise it would not have had the impact that it did.
It’s irrelevant how much the slippers were worth. What is relevant, is that he saw the dog destroying something of yours and did nothing. For 30 minutes, he observed this and did nothing step in. If destroying things is permissible, it won’t be long before the dog destroys something of value, ie: his stuff.
I’m wondering how he would react if it was something of his that the dog destroyed?
Your husband is invalidating your feelings and opinions. If he is like this over the small things, what is he like about the big things?
Is he ‘too logical’ about things that are important to him?
he says you are too emotional when he is the one that got upset. Think on that.
That’s not logic he’s using its manipulation.
Logical 😆 ok so he thinks its logical to let the dog ruin something of yours just so he could cause a fight about it later, but YOURE the emotional one.
Gaslighting, control freak. If u still love him and he loves u you should both be in counseling. If youve lost feelings get out asap. 🧿✌🏼
I have no idea, but i literally woke up this a.m. to THREE left shoes chewed beyond redemption. They went into the closet and only chose left shoes…my work shoes, of course!
They are going to be porch puppies tonight 😡
You seem like you’re looking for an argument. You kept needling him over slippers. I’m kinda with him like it’s not that big of a deal and I’m a woman. If this is your example yeah maybe you do need therapy. He’s probably tired of these kinds of arguments
It’s not up to him to decide if something you’re upset about is a small thing or not. The fact that he says you’re the problem and you need therapy is outrageous. It sounds to me that he has no empathy or interest in being a kind, caring partner. Is this really the kind of person you want to be with for the next 50 years?
I’m not saying your husband isn’t logical, but he’d be a terrible Vulcan.
Your husband isn’t “too logical”, he’s an ass.
He felt like you were blaming him so defended himself. I don’t know if he was trying to piss you off about the dog or just reporting the facts to you but I’m betting he felt this went from “This happened while I was doing something good“ to “Now I’m wrong and at fault”.
Maybe talk to your therapist to get some perspective on if you turn things into his fault a lot or if he is digging at you and then gets mad when you turn it back?
But he’s not rational. A rational person would have taken the slippers away from the dog. Instead he’s teaching the dog to chew slippers, has prevented you from having your slippers, and did it to punish you.
If I was doing a really annoying and hard task like deep cleaning a pool, I also probably wouldn’t care at that moment what the dog was doing. I can see both sides. I feel like you are just angry, but taking it out on your husband when he didn’t really do anything wrong except not stop the dog immediately. But it’s l not like he was playing video games or watching TV. He was doing something for the household and it sounds like he prioritized it. I am a woman btw.
But if this is an example and there are others where he doesn’t seem to prioritize you or your things, than I can see where this pattern starts to feel bad. His reaction could also be better. Like he could say, sorry but that he was busy cleaning the pool. Acknowledge and validate your emotions, without being at fault. I think both of you should seek counseling because both of you aren’t giving the other person the benefit of doubt. Like you read a bad intention into his action and that isn’t healthy and probably not what was going on. But he can also help validate your feelings.
Your husband is not the more rational person in the relationship, he just uses that to excuse his poor communication skills and lack of empathy. When he says you’re too emotional, what he really wants is for you to capitulate so he never has to admit he’s wrong.
I’m sorry but where is the logic in seeing a dog with slippers and ignoring that for 30 minutes?
How is it logical to see a problem occurring and ignore it?
Dismissing someone’s emotions isn’t automatically “being logical.”