For context I am 32F, my bf is 40M and we have been together for a year and a half and live together. Yesterday he got home at 3pm after work and the gym and was watching TV. I finished work at 4pm, did our grocery shopping, got home, prepared our dinner and then cleaned up the dishes and started preparing food for a dinner we were supposed to go to today. I very calmly asked him at this point why he didn’t help me with the dishes, since I cooked and his response was ‘you should have asked me to help’ which irritated me, I was like ‘I shouldn’t ask you to help with the housework, we’re both adults’ and then he goes, ‘I helped to prepare breakfast and lunch today’ and I’m just like are you fucking serious?? You put some chia seeds to soak and put the vegetables that I had already cut and prepared to steam!! You want a fucking gold star for this? Like am I being too harsh? Obviosly this part was in my head, so I told him ‘all you have to do is apologise and this conversation will end’ and he’s like ‘I didn’t hurt you intentionally so I shouldnt need to apologise’…WHAAATT??….since when do apologies work like this?? In any case, I got a glimpse in to my future cause this is not the first time a conversation like this has taken place and today I just told him that I’m not interested in being his maid and that I was done.
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To start, I will absolutely agree that you shouldn’t have to tell someone to help out in the moment, because at that point, it’s like having a child where you have to tell them to do what you shouldn’t have to.
Having said that, it’s time for you to sit down and have a conversation setting expectations and boundaries. In the reverse, the way you spoke to him after he said what he said was shitty and demeaning, so the issue here is a clear lack of communication.
An apology isn’t the answer. Talking about everything is. There should be no assumptions, which is all the two of you make. Yes, you got a glimpse into your future, if quite literally your future has consisted of this. It always will until expectations are set and things change. If they aren’t and don’t, then yes, that’s your future. If you actually broke up with him, then you logically made the right decision and what’s more to discuss? Good luck.
Okay, you can do that. Did you want advice about something?
This is a very very common complaint with couples. You did the correct thing. Maybe, just maybe, he will tell you he will change and mean it. You shouldn’t have to ask for help, he should be aware of what needs to be done. In my marriage we have roles that work. Like whomever cooks the other cleans the dishes. I clean the bathrooms and he washes the car. That kind of thing.
You both sound really bad at communicating.
Maybe take this time single to figure out how to have healthy communication and relationship dynamics. It’s possible that you grew up like this, and that’s why it looks normal, but it’s really not a good thing to continue
Also to address your reasoning, you were preparing the thing alone, to go out to a dinner party thing right? If it wasn’t a normal daily activity (laundry, vacuum, normal cooking, etc), it’s kind of normal he would know he was expected to jump in.
Also if it wasn’t a typical thing, you could have just communicated what was happening and asked him to pitch in.
Asking someone “why didn’t you do this” after the fact isn’t a conversation starter, it’s an unnecessary escalation. You could have just said “that felt like a lot of work to do by myself, I’m a little worn out, would you be able to help me more, and we can get things all finished together next time?”
Edit: y’all need to learn how to read
Most people are ignoring the fact that the only hurtful thing you said wasn’t actually said out loud lmao.
It seems like this is a recurring issue, so I think you did the right thing. Maybe he’ll fix it, maybe he won’t.
You were doomed the moment you agreed that he was “helping” you. That means all of this work is your job and responsibility, and anything he does is him being a good guy and doing your job for you. Good that you broke up (did you?).
Next relationship start with the premise that there are X amount of chores, and your job is 1/2 X and his job is 1/2 X. Neither of you is “helping” each other by doing your chores. You are doing your own jobs.
I never get why where is an idea of “ helping “ with chores.
Toddler can help put dishes, adults do their half whatever agreed on without need to ask.
And decent adult would offer help if partner doing something.
Good luck !
You did the right thing. Adults don’t ‘help’ their partner with housework – they do their half.
God forbid you had children with this man-child. There’s a reason women his own age won’t date him.
Smart move. You don’t need to house train your partner.