So my bf used to live where I lived and we met in January because he has some rentals there that I was looking to rent. We found out we had mutual friends and it started from there. He started coming down to visit and we really started to like each other a lot. He is amazing and I’ve never connected to anyone like this before. He lives in a beautiful state that I’ve always wanted to live in (he moved here three years ago) so when the conversation came up of me moving, It felt like an easy decision. He is very recently divorced… like officially in April. The two had been separated since August the year before and sleeping in different rooms for a year prior to her moving out. She filed for divorce.
Fast forward and she politely asked if he was seeing someone and if he was planning to introduce her to the kids. He decided to be honest and said yes and he had planned on telling her once he decided to introduce me to the kids. Well from that day on, all hell broke lose and she accuses him and I of having an affair for years. She found out I went hiking where he lives a year ago (with my boyfriend at that time mind you) and swears I came to cheat with him. It’s been crazy ever since and she told him in email that she told the kids he cheated, he’s a liar, narcissist, gaslighter, etc etc. before telling the kids, she was threatening to tell them until he “told her the truth.” She threatened to reach out to my ex, write a fb post about me, etc.
so fast forward to now and I have moved to his state and I have to keep it a secret. I can’t be public about my move, I can’t update my LinkedIn to my new job. I have to keep it a secret in case she finds out. He says it’s for the kids but I feel so bad about it. This doesn’t sit well and Idk how long I can put my life on hold and live in fear of her finding out. I feel resentful towards him. I’m trying to be understanding that it’s about the kids. I feel like he shouldn’t have dated if his family wasn’t ready. I have some friends who tell me to “be his peace” but I’m struggling because this is my life too. I want children and I am getting older. What do yall think about this situation? I need help dealing with this. He says it’s temporary. His children met me once and it went well. After she sent the email telling him that she told the children “everything” they are very uncomfortable and resentful toward him for dating and say they feel like it’s too soon and he’s leaving their mom behind. I have angry outbursts a lot that are based off of fear and shame. Shame for coming out here and being kept a secret. He gets upset when I call it a secret. What is an appropriate timeline for me with this?
Edit**** I’ve only met the kids one time. After meeting them, she told them all the stuff about the “affair” their dad being abusive, etc. so after that, all the kid stuff has been on pause. Their mom moved out over a year ago and divorce was finalized in April, so we met in January while they were separated.
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find a new boyfriend in your new lovely state. to much baggage
> I have some friends who tell me to “be his peace” but I’m struggling because this is my life too.
What peace is he bringing to your life? A dramatic ex, secrets, accusations of cheating. Why do you have to be the only one behaving like an adult?
> I want children and I am getting older.
Girl, he’s 45. If anyone here needs to be worried about having children while older it’s this guy. Does he want more kids? Doesn’t sound like his relationship with his existing kids is on solid ground. Maybe he should focus on that.
>He gets upset when I call it a secret.
Too bad.
>What is an appropriate timeline for me with this?
Zero days.
How long have you two been together? He was divorced in April and you’ve already met his kids? That’s a lot for his kids to go through in a short amount of time. That being said, there’s nothing she can do about it. You can only deny an affair… unless you guys got together before the divorce is final.
How old are the kids? How long into dating did you meet them? Do you really want to be with someone who’s ex is going to be crazy and make your life hell?
Are you sure he’s actually divorced? Just because he said they are doesn’t mean they are. Keeping you a secret tells me he’s not.
ETA: he’s 45 and more than likely doesn’t want more kids.
You shouldn’t have agreed to be a secret in the first place. Your life is being dictated by his ex wife. If you really want a family and children this is not the man for you. His ex won’t allow you to have children. That’s what you would be agreeing to by staying with him.
You posted in this sub a month ago about the ex-wife accusing the two of you cheating. How long are you going to put up with this?
Why do you allow that? You deserve better
You’re getting only his side of the story. So did all my ex’s APs. Apparently, I’m a horrible, abusive monster.
Even if he’s telling you the truth, this is nuts. Don’t hitch your wagon to this “star.”
It’s way, way to soon to have moved with him or to have met his kids even if things were great with his ex. In this situation you need to take a big, big step back from him until he is in a place where he can be honest about his life, have a stable relationship with his coparent, and be responsible enough to keep you separate from his kids for much longer than a few months.
What you’re doing now isn’t fair or healthy for you, and more importantly it isn’t fair or healthy for the kids, who should be his priority.
There is nothing for you in this situationship. He’s 45 and isn’t going to want more children, and if he did his ex isn’t going to let him move on. Do what’s best for you and walk away!!
Oh my. Like someone else said, it doesn’t sound like he is divorced. Does his wife know they are divorced?
I have this thought that if something is happening in secret, it shouldn’t be happening.
He is supposedly hiding you because of the wife. If they are truly divorced, he will keep you hidden because of work, etc.
He has shown you who he will be and what his priorities are. Believe him.
Nope. I certainly would not live like that.
She’s dumb enough to put what she said to the kids in writing? That parental alienation and a huge problem. I don’t think any man would be worth allowing this woman to be part of your life. If what you’re saying is true, your man could get a lawyer and put a stop to her behavior, but it’s an expensive legal battle and would be emotionally exhaustive. It wouldn’t be worth it to me.
Absolutely all of this moved way too fast. Like, especially with kids involved and now whether your own faults or not – you’re the one paying the price. The kids will take a long time (if they ever do) to accept you and his ex will make your life miserable.
I can’t speak to whether he’s actually divorced or if he cheated or not, but it certainly sounds like he might have.