I flew internationally to get home today. My boyfriend of eight months didn’t text me all day. After 4 p.m., I thought maybe he didn’t want to disturb me while I was with my family, so I sent him a message saying I made it safely and that the surprise I’d been planning was a success (my family didn’t know I was coming).
An hour later, around 5 p.m., he finally replied, saying he wanted to hear all about it and explaining that he had gone to bed at 5 a.m. after coding all night, and then had a three-hour-long bouldering session.
I feel hurt and annoyed that he could go all day without texting me to wish me safe travels or asking if I made it okay. He’s a Math and Computer Science grad—quite forgetful and a bit aloof—but to me, this feels like basic courtesy in a relationship.
I feel taken for granted, and I’m wondering if I should just break up with him.
Am I overreacting?
I’ve only been in toxic relationships with emotionally unavailable men so far in my life, so I don’t even know what a long-term, stable, loving relationship is supposed to look and feel like.
Thanks.
TL;DR:
I flew internationally today and my boyfriend of 8 months didn’t text me once to wish me safe travels or check if I arrived safely. I had to message him first, and he only replied an hour later, explaining he was tired from coding and bouldering. I feel hurt, taken for granted, and unsure if I’m overreacting. I’ve only been in emotionally unavailable relationships before, so I’m questioning what a healthy relationship should actually look like.
Comments
Is this the first instance? Im sure this can be a conversation and not an end
I would say that’s definitely not break up worthy. But I’m wondering if you are generally not that happy in your relationship? Because you jumped to that really quickly. Do you often feel like he does not really care for you or forgets about you? I would tell him that this bothered you today and see if he improves on that.
This is a really reactive explosive bridge burning for a perceived rejection – have you been evaluated for conditions associated with rejection-sensitive dysphoria like ADHD or BPD?
Honestly you’re being a bit needy and that’s okay but it’s not clear this person is going to be the guy to fulfill that desire. You’ll likely always be left wanting more.
It sounds like you are just looking for excuses.
It’s a personal relationship. You can break up for any reason, or no reason at all. If you don’t want to keep dating him, don’t.
You are overreacting. Don’t be so self centred.
You mention that he’s aloof. Is that your type? Is he meeting your emotional needs otherwise? Is this the only instance where he’s gone a day without texting or is he often bad at keeping in touch? Have you gone to therapy?
Relationships are something you build together. People are raised differently, have different friends, experiences, cultures, social expectations, etc.
What seems like a “basic courtesy” for one person may seem strange or overbearing for another person.
I grew up in a household that burped and farted at the table and showed one another our food, and made highly inappropriate jokes. I basically joked that I grew up in a barn because I absolutely did not learn normal manners growing up in my household, and I very much felt like an outsider growing up.
Men and women are socialized differently. Neurodivergent people are socialized differently.
You can end a relationship whenever you want, but i think it’s fairly extreme to jump to thoughts of break up for what seems like a different in socialized expectations.
As someone with ADHD, those sorts of checkins are tough for me, and even though I may be thinking about someone it doesn’t cross my mind to text when maybe someone else would. But I am very thoughtful in other ways.
Is your partner thoughtful and loving in other ways? Wonderful – this is a chance to have a conversation about expectations and what you’d like to see from him. You can let him know you felt hurt, and what you’d like to see in the future.
But don’t assume that everyone has the same social expectations because they just don’t, and that doesn’t make them toxic people.
It’s possible you may be misaligned in your expectations but that doesn’t necessarily make someone a bad partner because they don’t meet one particular culture’s unspoken social expectations. It may just mean you’re incompatible.
Also not everyone has the same dating experience and there are so many damn unspoken rules. If you have expectations, make them known. If you’re hurt, express it, and be willing to build a relationship, not just expect it to be perfect from the get go.
You mention flying Internationally multiple times but never talk about how long you actually didn’t speak for – can you clarify?
This definitely feels like you’re overreacting and I’m surprised you’re willing to blow up the relationship over this. Have you been tested for BPD?
Over reacting, grow up
Did you accidentally type (32f) when you meant (16f)?