Biggie post but not a lot to add. This has been my best friend for the last 10 years, married for 7. We just had our first kid together and have been really happy. She says the reason she did it is because she has been feeling really bad about her body post baby and wanted some affirmations from strangers. I just don’t know how to rectify this, trust has been broken. But also the thought of being a single parent terrifies me. I’m an introvert, all of my friends were her friends first/ their husbands. If I separate, I’m separating from the life I have as well. I also deeply care about how separation could affect our kids life, and don’t know if there is a ‘best time’ to do it.
I think another thing that keeps me from it, which I recognize is very childish, is I know how hard it would be for me to see her happy with someone else, where as I just don’t think I have the capacity to ever date/marry again. Lots of thoughts going through my tired dad brain as I sit here on a night shift.
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Sounds like she needs to talk to a therapist and not strange men that violate the respect of your relationship.
First I would see a lawyer, then get a DNA test. She was actively trying to cheat on you. Why would you stay with a cheating spouse?
Couples therapy as well as individual therapy. Did she even bring these concerns up with you or did she jump straight to the dating app? If she’s not sorry or apologetic for stepping out on your relationship she might repeat her choices in the future.
Get a paternity test. Well now you know she cheats and doesn’t respect you. You need to find out how often she cheats.
If it were me, I would, stop asking her why. I would ask her what is she going to do to regain trust? I would buy her a bucket and a thimble and I would do this. I would say. If this bucket represents all the trust we had built up to today. This is what you did with it. I would take that full bucket of water and kick it over. Then I would hand her the thimble out of my pocket. Then I would say you have to rebuild trust. And in order to fill my trust bucket. This is how much I believe in you right now . So you can see how long it is going to take you to regain it. So when I ask how are you going to regain trust. It is going to take time and effort from you. Are you prepared for this, or should I just divorce you now?
Good thing is, you know what to expect. When your wife is unhappy, feels unsexy or whatever, she will reach out to strangers to feel validated and to get attention, not to you. If you stay, you know what to expect because I guarantee you that during a lifetime, there will be many times where she has doubts, feels unsexy or just not appreciated.
And if you should entertain the idea to have a second child at one point, things will get really brutal for you because you know what she will do after she gave birth.
Say, how would she react if she catches you on dating apps and then figures out that you were talking to several woman because you felt really bad about your body and wanted some affirmation from strangers?
I am so so so sorry. I just dont know how she could do this to you. I would say try and stay and work it out but if you are anything like me this is just going to eat and eat and eat away at you. I know this is harsh but your wife sucks as a wife and she sucks as a mother! To be texting other men with a 1 month old is incredibly selfish and just plain horrible behavior, and before people tell me postpartum. As a woman that has never had kids I think I totally understand how it could affect you as far as depression but its not an excuse for horrible behavior and I dont believe this is going to get any better as time goes by and she is years away from having given birth. I hate to be the 1 to tell you this but if she is doing this with a 1 month old I think the chances are very high that she has cheated in the past. I am so so sorry you have my deepest sympathy
Fuck, dude. I gotta admit, I’m highly skeptical of her explanation. She’s only 4 weeks postpartum with her first kid…I have a hard time imagining that in between the total exhaustion and constant, anxious vigilance that comes with being a first-time parent, she’s had the head space to obsess about her need for physical validation enough to drive her to start cheating on you out of the blue.
How certain are you that this is the first time this has happened, that it only just started since the baby?
How certain are you that it has only ever been texting?
Did she let you go through her phone?
What was your intimacy level during the pregnancy? Have you struggled with that, and had you noticed her having body issues during her pregnancy?
All that said, I think your reasons for wanting to stay are all valid, all good reasons. If you leave, you are never going to have the same chance to have the relationship you’d otherwise have with your kid, being there full time. And the first few months (hell, the first year) after having a kid, I almost uniformly advise against making drastic life decisions, it’s a uniquely challenging time that often feels surreal in retrospect, like you weren’t the same person. But I’d be wary, and I’d want to know everything for certain if I were in your shoes. This just doesn’t smell right to me.
Talk to her. Ask her what it is that is driving those actions. She might be going through post paternity trauma. She needs an outlet and probably has lots of guilt and shame about it. She needs therapy, someone to talk to. Not hate and shame her: I know that she is “doing it to you” but don’t make it about you, as you said, there is a baby at home that NEEDS a safe and strong house hold to thrive in. And here is your opportunity to be the father your baby needs. My 2 cents, hope it’s worth more to you
This is awful that she’s only 4 weeks postpartum and seeking validating attention from strange men online. Maybe therapy could be in order individually for her. Then couples therapy to see why she feels the validation and attention from her own husband isn’t good enough. I’m sorry you’re going through this.