My [32M] girlfriend [30F] and I have been together for 5 years. She knew very early on in the relationship that I watch porn, and she said that it didn’t bother her. I asked if she watched any herself, and she said that she absolutely did not. Since then we have watched together a few times, but as far as I knew she had never watched any alone.
A few days ago I opened our shared laptop, and there was an open Word document with a bunch of links to what I instantly recognized as porn websites. I’d never seen the file before. I checked the file location and found it in a folder under my partners name, and in a folder called “Recipes” with the word document and over 800 downloaded porn videos.
I got curios and opened a few of the videos. From those I watched and the file previews it was instantly obvious that this was all lesbian porn. This was a surprise to me, because my girlfriend had been very clear to me early in the relationship that she was not at all interested in women sexually. She actually said that the thought of having sex with a woman “repulsed” her. That, and the fact that she also told me that she didn’t watch porn seemed weird to me. But fine, people can change, and I figured that she had just recently discovered she was interested.
Thinking it wasn’t a big deal, I cheekily asked her if she had been downloading porn onto the laptop. At first she calmly said “What? No.”, but when I laughed and told her that I had found all the videos in her “Recipe” folder, she got defensive and started shouting at me. She demanded I show her the file, then claimed that it must have been videos I was downloading accidentally. I told her that I don’t even watch lesbian porn, so it can’t have been me. She got even louder, screaming that I know “I’m not a lesbian”, and that this must have been a mistake.
By this point I wasn’t smiling any more. I tried calming her. I told her that it was ok, I wasn’t upset, and that I didn’t mind if she watched it, I was just surprised. She insisted again that it wasn’t hers and screamed at me that she won’t be discussing it anymore.
Later that night she told me that she had deleted “your disgusting porn collection” from the computer. I didn’t push it anymore, because I didn’t want to end up being screamed at again. I later checked the laptop, and yes the files were all gone, but a quick search of the file extension type showed me she had just moved all the files to another location.
I don’t really know what to do. I don’t care that she watches porn, and if she is bisexual that’s also fine with me. If perhaps she is a lesbian herself that’s ok too, but we need to discuss what that means for our relationship.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? Can anyone suggest how I might be able to approach this? Thanks
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Backup of the post’s body: My [32M] girlfriend [30F] and I have been together for 5 years. She knew very early on in the relationship that I watch porn, and she said that it didn’t bother her. I asked if she watched any herself, and she said that she absolutely did not. Since then we have watched together a few times, but as far as I knew she had never watched any alone.
A few days ago I opened our shared laptop, and there was an open Word document with a bunch of links to what I instantly recognized as porn websites. I’d never seen the file before. I checked the file location and found it in a folder under my partners name, and in a folder called “Recipes” with the word document and over 800 downloaded porn videos.
I got curios and opened a few of the videos. From those I watched and the file previews it was instantly obvious that this was all lesbian porn. This was a surprise to me, because my girlfriend had been very clear to me early in the relationship that she was not at all interested in women sexually. She actually said that the thought of having sex with a woman “repulsed” her. That, and the fact that she also told me that she didn’t watch porn seemed weird to me. But fine, people can change, and I figured that she had just recently discovered she was interested.
Thinking it wasn’t a big deal, I cheekily asked her if she had been downloading porn onto the laptop. At first she calmly said “What? No.”, but when I laughed and told her that I had found all the videos in her “Recipe” folder, she got defensive and started shouting at me. She demanded I show her the file, then claimed that it must have been videos I was downloading accidentally. I told her that I don’t even watch lesbian porn, so it can’t have been me. She got even louder, screaming that I know “I’m not a lesbian”, and that this must have been a mistake.
By this point I wasn’t smiling any more. I tried calming her. I told her that it was ok, I wasn’t upset, and that I didn’t mind if she watched it, I was just surprised. She insisted again that it wasn’t hers and screamed at me that she won’t be discussing it anymore.
Later that night she told me that she had deleted “your disgusting porn collection” from the computer. I didn’t push it anymore, because I didn’t want to end up being screamed at again. I later checked the laptop, and yes the files were all gone, but a quick search of the file extension type showed me she had just moved all the files to another location.
I don’t really know what to do. I don’t care that she watches porn, and if she is bisexual that’s also fine with me. If perhaps she is a lesbian herself that’s ok too, but we need to discuss what that means for our relationship.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? Can anyone suggest how I might be able to approach this? Thanks
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
How is your communication otherwise, do you feel it is adequate or could be improved? IMO there’s definitely some trauma hiding under her reaction which you may be able to either help her uncover, or nudge her towards professional counselling.
Her lying about it and having such a visceral reaction is really weird though; her trying to gaslight you into thinking it’s your porn is freaking weeeeeeird dude. Was she under the influence of anything at the time? It seems pretty… Childish.
Personally, I would take this experience as an indicator that there are underlying issues which may be too difficult to be resolved if you catch my drift, but nobody will have more context to make any decision than you
as a lesbian, i can imagine your wife is probably struggling with her either attraction or sexualization of women. Almost everything she did was weird, but what is weirder is that she pretended to delete it while just moving the file. clearly, y’all need to have more conversations about sexuality OR honesty/boundaries. As someone who also used to be married to a man, I respect that you are being open to her lack of communication, but this isn’t something that you should ignore. good luck!
Man that’s rough. To me it sounds like she’s a closeted bi person/lesbian who is maybe not okay with that part of herself. The fact that she “deleted” all the files only to move them to a different folder shows that you need to bring it up again.
She clearly has something to hide and you brought it up only for her to shout, dismiss, and hide her evidence.
Those girls weekend’s must be fun.
How big is the hard drive that it can fit 800 videos? God damn that’s impressive.
If you don’t talk now, she’ll figure herself out when you’re married for 15 years and have two kids.
Do you really want to wait and see??
It could be that she’s closeted. She could be bi. I also know women who aren’t attracted to women, but they like to watch lesbian porn because it focuses on female pleasure. Straight porn rarely does that and it’s much harder to find.
Her response seems extreme, but I do want to offer an alternative reason. There may also be some religious trauma there.
This is called a shadow. Good luck!
She probably is shy/ashamed because of past events or upbringing. I know. Have a spouse similar situation. Gaslighting anytime i ask about something i saw. The better way to talk to them is open the door of conversation without starting with “I saw your files” for example. And from experience some will never openly talk about “embarrassing” things. So if you are happy don’t push it.
Was she raised in a conservative household? I’d just talk to her calmly, no joke vibe. Let her know you still care about her and don’t judge her.
Your best option is to drop this completely right now, this is something your wife needs to process herself, hopefully with the help of a therapist. As her sexual partner, you aren’t a person with whom she can have an open conversation about this bc she’s clearly worried it will affect your impression of her and her sexuality, as it clearly already has.
Your wife is most likely 100% straight, not bi or a lesbian. A lot of the appeal of porn is in a) the aesthetics and b) particular taboos people hold. In regards to A, your wife may watch this bc she primarily enjoys viewing female pleasure and straight porn tends towards mostly acts providing pleasure to a man (no matter how convincing the actresses are, most women will be wincing watching porn sex). The secrecy and compulsive nature of downloading hundreds of videos of one particular type would seem to point towards B, a particularly strong reaction to an internalized taboo against homosexual intimacy. Again, this is something for her to work through with a therapist NOT with her primary sexual partner. You might put her at ease by apologizing for implying or thinking she was sexually interested in women, but at the very least take her at her word that she is in fact straight and would never sleep with a woman irl.
And whatever else you do, DO NOT SUGGEST A THREESOME.
She’s probably not a lesbian. It’s pretty common for straight women to watch lesbian porn. Even gay porn.
Ouch…sorry dude
Conservative families suck lol
First of all, sexuality is a spectrum. Just because she watches videos of women together doesn’t mean that she has any interest in being with a woman in real life. She might be a closeted lesbian or bisexual, but it also could be that she just likes to watch women but only wants to sleep with men.
However, it sounds to me like this is something she feels is deeply shameful or wrong that she has to keep hidden. Pushing her to admit it is upsetting her for some reason, and it seems deeper than you found her secret porn stash and she’s embarrassed. I have no idea what could be triggering this shame response, but if she comes from a conservative or religious background then being viewed as a sexual deviant would be extremely shameful, even for something as innocent as being bi-curious.
So one doesn’t just happened to download 800 videos. She’s been downloading these on a regular basis for an extended period of time and probably jilling off to the videos. You say you don’t care, I wouldn’t either. However, there are some major red flags with the way she’s reacting. I would tell her you know she’s lying to you, then leave her alone and tell her she can tell you what’s going on with her when she’s ready to trust you. Other than that’s there’s not much else you can do, other than leave her for lying.
I used to keep mine in a folder labeled “travel”
First of all, SO many women watch lesbian porn. Gay, straight, bi women. It’s actually pretty common. She very well could be attracted to women but she could also like how female centered lesbian porn is. If this isn’t a problem for you, then tell her that.
She definitely feels shame either way and needs to come to terms with you finding out. Gently tell her that you would like to talk about it and would like to hear her thoughts about it.
If she continues to be in deep denial about it then that’s an entirely different conversation you need to have about your relationship. Is her denial about the porn a deal breaker for you? Not the type of porn just the porn.
Embrace it
Women like lesbian porn because it’s one of the few genres that focuses on female pleasure. I want to see clitoral stimulation, cunnilingus, fingering, and usually straight porn uses those for just brief moments before going right into penetration. Even women who like men might still view lesbian porn for that reason.
Her reaction seems like she’s embarassed and lashing out. I wouldn’t come at her from the “don’t be embarassed” because it might be linked to trauma she’s not ready to dig into, but I would let her know lashing out and gaslighting you is an inappropriate and unhealthy tactic for your relationship and you need her to work on that. Tell her you’ll drop the topic and mind your business until she’s ready to talk, but don’t let her get by with blaming you or you can look forward to a relationship where everything is your fault.
OP I think she either is closeted bisexual or lesbian. I was closeted bi for a long time, in big denial of my sexuality and attraction to women and femme presenting individuals. Due to the religious trauma aspect you mentioned, she could be very embarrassed. I went through the same thing as I was raised very religious and punished for being sexually curious even though it was age appropriate for me to be. Having an extremely homophobic father with narcissistic personality disorder didn’t help either.
My partner was the first person I came out to. He literally said “I know you like women, I do too they’re great!” And reassured me it doesn’t matter to him. I didn’t hide it very well in all honesty either 😂. Long story short we actually ended up opening the relationship so that I could explore that side of myself as I was very sexually repressed and discovered we enjoyed being polyamorous lol. We’re not actively poly rn due to personal issues we are dealing with but that’s a story for another day. Be gentle with her, it’s so hard to go through this for someone who grew up that way and never felt that freedom to explore and express themselves. Maybe suggest counselling or therapy for you guys if you can’t resolve it on your own so that you can show her you’re willing to help her navigate this possibly new or repressed side of her sexuality and that you accept her for who she is.
Good luck!
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The porn doesn’t sound like a problem for you based on your statements, but the lying and shifting blame to you when you both know the truth is batshit crazy and would be an immediate dealbreaker for me (because I respect myself).
Have one of her most watched videos and copy her face onto one of the actors via AI
Don’t know if I could deal with the lying…
Pulling people out of the closet is never a good idea
I’d tell her this.
“We don’t need to talk right now, but we need to talk about this. I don’t care if you’re into girls or lesbian porn or whatever, but I’m concerned at how defensive you are and don’t appreciate you trying to gaslight me on this. I’m here to talk, but we need to talk about it.
You know, a lot of the comments here are focusing on her being closeted, and honestly, fuck that. I’m queer and I know how that goes but it’s irrelevant. She screamed in you face, lied, gaslighted, and blamed you. Know what that’s called? Emotional abuse. That’s the thing to focus on here.
Lol this place. Lots of straight women watch lesbian porn. Not everything has to be this crazy “she is a closeted lesbian”. And if she likes girls too… bonus, depending if you are into that sort of thing.
“Your disgusting porn collection”
Holy shit. That would have been fight night for me. How fuckin dare she for even a second insinuate it was yours. There is no room in the relationship for that kind of crap.
Either she puts it all on the table and apologises or you’re better off walking my friend.
So the first issue I have here is that you found something that was clearly intended to be hidden and private and you found it and you treating it “cheekily” and “laughed” at her.
You were being cheeky and laughing at your invasion of her privacy.
Her reaction is pretty extreme, but bear in mind that this started with an invasion of a privacy and you laughing at her expense, and this may well be – if she has some disconnect with some part of her sexuality, which sounds likely – an area where she has a lot of shame a denial. Whether it’s goes as far as being in the closet as being lesbian or bisexual or not, I mean, take a minute and imagine how you would feel if your private discovered something private that you had shame around and was laughing at having found it.
I mean, imagine that you have something you have some shame around, and you write it out in a private journal to help process it, and your partner reads it and comes to you and says, “haha, remember how you said that you had no issue with that thing? Well I read your journal and, I guess that’s not true! Isn’t that funny that you actually are really uncomfortable with this thing you told me was no big deal? Hahahaha!”
And having invaded her privacy once, look at that, you did it again! There’s no sense that, hey, maybe I handled this poorly – instead, well, I’m just going to search her laptop.
And this is tough because there are things that you need to be able to talk about at some point. And you can’t go un-invade her privacy – the cat’s out of the bag.
So the first thing I’d say is that you need to let the temperature drop a little bit. Take a little time. And then: a) stop invading your girlfriend’s privacy, b) apologize to her for having done so already and how you approached the conversation afterwards. But then say, “Look, we need to have a conversation, because we both know that wasn’t my porn. And any explanation of it is something we can work with, but we can’t work with you pretending that this isn’t a thing that you did and hid on your computer, and I’m entitled to know if it has impacts on our future relationship.”
But the question you need to figure out is: how do you create an emotionally safe environment for her to have this conversation in. And that’s going to depend on your knowledge of her, but it’s definitely going to involve an apology for invading her privacy and for laughing at something that she’s sensitive about. It’s not going to come from saying “gotcha, I know you told me you deleted all those files but they’re still on your computer, I checked.”
Eat her out more!!
I don’t know any lesbian that watches lesbian porn
She was a little bi-curious. Now you’ve made her bi-furious.
Crazy how this comment section is so focused on “that can he do to cater to her”. Any other comment section, if the roles were reversed, would be saying to dump the bf and flame him for being closeted… idgaf about whatever she has going on with her sexuality and why, the screaming, absolute defense, lying about deleting it, and referring to it as “your dirty porn collection” when she knows damn well it’s hers would be the #1 top priority here. Fuck her sexuality and trauma treating a partner like that is absolutely shitty, and if roles were reversed the comments would be filled with “leave him and get to safety”.
Most females watch girl on girl p0rn , even the hetero ones . It’s kind of like the your alone in the forest and would the female choose the bear or the man to be alone with scenario .
Most females just don’t want to be alone with a male . And females are beautiful and know how to get things going .
Rather than a male just pump n dumping or licking labia for 20 minutes
You should be enthused she’s not looking at big deck p0rn or any other male that doesn’t look a thing like you .
You fuqed up bud .
This is a massive red flag, the reaction is unhinged, she is either a closest lesbian, and ashamed of her sexuality, or just a compulsive liar. Either way it is bad.
It’s not the porn, it’s the lying. Literally claiming that those are YOUR downloads = classic gaslighting.
You have to re-evaluate your entire relationship. Not only regarding her true sexuality, but the fact that she’s broken your trust.
Screenshot the new location of the files, and print out. Then have a sit down discussion with her, confront her GENTLY about the truth and ask her calmly to discuss. Offer to go to couples therapy. Her willingness to discuss and to work on this issue will tell you more about the future of this relationship even more than the actual words she uses to answer you.