I [33F] found out my boyfriend [37M] has been using a dating/hookup app

Hey, I don’t usually post stuff like this, but I don’t really have anyone I can talk to who isn’t biased, and I’m just stuck in my own head. Please be kind.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for just over a year. We’ve been incredibly close, we spend most our free time together, and when we’re apart we’re usually in a voice call almost 24/7, even when we sleep. We’ve shared everything with each other, emotionally and sexually. He’s made me feel loved in ways I’ve never experienced before, and I really, truly love him. I can see myself getting old with him.

But a few months ago, I found out he had been using Grindr after hearing the notification go off while he slept one night.

At first, he tried to say he’d had it on his phone since before we got together and forgot about it til recently, and he hadn’t been using it, but that didn’t make sense. Eventually he admitted he downloaded it himself back at the start of our relationship, during a rough patch between us. He said he thought I was going to leave him, and he panicked and wanted validation, and he only used it for a couple months.

That didn’t really explain getting notifications now though, and he explained he came across the app again and just used it cause he was bored and curious.

He swore he never talked to anyone, met up with anyone, or sent anyone nudes, but admitted he had a private album on Grindr that he gave people access to, but that it was just ‘old selfies’.

I told him I needed to know everything. Not just Grindr, but if there were any other apps, websites, accounts, messages. I said I could maybe move forward, but I couldn’t keep finding things out piece by piece. He swore up and down that was everything.

But weeks later, I got stuck in my head and went looking. I ended up finding a profile on a random gay hookup site, with his nudes on it that he had sent me personally. When I confronted him again, he insisted he didn’t make that profile (and I actually do believe him, I think it was a bot profile made using his Grindr data). But it showed he’d lied about not sending anyone nudes, and the only reason I found out about it at all was because I searched.

And yeah, it just made everything come crashing down again.

I’ve tried really hard to move past it. I’ve been more sexual with him so he doesn’t need to seek out external validation, I’ve sent him more photos, initiated more often. I’ve reassured him that when I don’t engage sexually, it’s not because I’m not attracted to him, it just takes me longer to get into that headspace and get off. I’ve tried to be clear, and close, and present. I’m trying to rebuild.

But… it’s still on my mind. Sooo much.

I think about it all the time. About him logging in to Grindr, probably while we were on the phone. About him uploading dick pics to send to strangers while I was probably telling him I loved him, or falling asleep with him on a call. I hate how it makes me feel, all churny and twisted up inside. It drags my whole mood down and makes me feel small. Like I wasn’t enough for him.

And I’m scared it’s always going to be like this.

I don’t bring it up anymore because I know he already feels like he messed everything up.

But I’m scared I’ll always be wondering if he’s telling the truth. He’s bisexual, and I love that about him, but a part of me worries that maybe I’ll never be enough. That maybe I can’t meet all of his needs, and he’ll keep turning to other people, or other places, to fill something I can’t reach.

I’m doing my best to hold on to love and hope. But I feel like I’m carrying all of this pain by myself now.

So I guess I just want to ask:

• has anyone been in this situation and stayed? did it end well? do you wish you’d left instead?

• do I believe him when he says he never hooked up with anyone?

• how can I stop these thoughts from eating away at me?

• has anyone actually moved past something like this and been okay?

• and how do I know it won’t happen again? (I refuse to be the kind of partner that checks phones)

If you made it this far, thank you. I’m not looking for sympathy or sugarcoating, I just want honesty. I’m exhausted from second guessing everything, and I don’t know what to do is anymore.

TL;DR:

My boyfriend used Grindr multiple times during our relationship, uploading nudes and giving strangers access to them, and only admitted to things after I found proof. He says he never met up with anyone and only shared a private nude album, but I’m struggling to fully believe him. I’m trying to move forward, but I think about it constantly and I hate how twisted up it makes me feel inside. I love him, but I’m scared it’ll always be like this, that I’ll always be second-guessing him, or that I’ll never be enough for him. Am I stupid for staying? Is it possible to move past this? Just after honest advice or perspective, thank you.