My husband 43M and I 33F have been together for 10 years, married for 6.5 years and we have 3 young children. Our relationship has been rocky for pretty much our whole marriage.
We had our first child 8 years ago (prior to marriage) and I was so happy, he seemed happy too. But when my son was born, things started to change, but only subtly. As I was on maternity leave, I was expected to do all the house work, cooking and childcare. On top of this he expected me to start taking over the administration side of his business (he started this business 5 years before I met him), I dont have a background in administration and had no idea what I was doing. I felt really overwhelmed and told him I couldn’t, he was frustrated and compared me to his friends wives who would help with their businesses. When I was 5 months post partum my husband said “now (son) is 5 months old, you don’t have an excuse for the baby weight”. I was shocked as it was the first time he had commented negatively on my body. I had put on quite a lot of weight but had been gradually losing it. I spiralled, began only eating one small meal each day, running everyday and lost a significant amount of weight very quickly.
But this was only the beginning of his criticism of my body. We got married and the day after, found out I was pregnant with our second child. That pregnancy was really difficult as I had terrible pre and postnatal anxiety and depression. I cried most days, struggled with regulating my emotions and even though I loved my children dearly, I felt like they would be better off without me. While in the depths of my poor mental health, I really couldn’t see what was happening. I didn’t really reach out for help. My husband was just angry at me all the time. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed crying and he said “you’re crying again? I don’t even care anymore” and he left the house. I felt so alone. By the time I reached out and began taking anti depressants, my second child was almost 1. Our relationship suffered so much. I resented him for working long hours, not helping enough while I was obviously struggling, and pressuring me to do the business paperwork and to have more sex. All this while critising my body, asking when I was going to exercise, asking me to do “20 squats” randomly multiple times a day. Telling me I eat too much/not healthy enough. He resented me for “not supporting him”. He said I only focussed on the kids, didn’t pay him enough attention and didn’t have enough sex or didn’t “perform” sex well enough. I was so ashamed and insecure of my body at this time and didn’t want my husband to touch me at all. We had several fights about how he thought I wasn’t pulling my weight. He would call me all sorts of things, lazy, fat, a blob, c**t, bitch, a gold digger, deadbeat and he would often do this in front of the kids.
I don’t know why I didn’t leave a long time ago. I guess I felt stuck, I didn’t have much money, we don’t share finances. He would always tell me he would take full custody of the kids and as he has quite a lot of money, I felt like he would be able to do what he wanted.
I fell pregnant at the beginning of 2022 with our third and things only got worse through my pregnancy. When I gave birth, there were complications and I almost died. Our baby was fine thankfully. After I was in the clear my husband said “I was thinking how I could restructure the business so I could be home with the boys if you died”. I didn’t feel like he cared about me at all but it would just be an inconvenience if I died.
For our third child he didn’t help at all. I even slept in the spare room with the baby so my husband wouldn’t be woken through the night. I felt very alone.
Nothing improved and home life got worse. I don’t know why, but in January this year a switch flipped and I was done. He yelled at me on and off all day in front of the kids, calling dumb and lazy. I have been checked out and planning to leave since.
I have gathered important documents, found a lawyer and started squirrelling away some savings in an account he can’t see. He periodically checks my other account. I also reached out to a family violence organisation.
Now I’m at the point of actually leaving. I have had multiple conversations about separating which makes him angry because “women these days give up too easily”, then he says he thinks we can make it work. He offered to go to couples counselling, but I don’t think it would be worth it. I have asked him for 6 years to go and he always redused. I don’t understand his thinking because I’m sure he also is not happy. I avoid conflict as much as I can but I know I have to do this for myself and my kids. I have only scratched the surface in this post in regard to his behaviour towards me, it’s been severe and ongoing for years.
Does anyone have any tips for this conversation? I think I feel bad for him because once I leave, his life will be much harder trying to juggle work, cooking, cleaning, groceries, appointments etc (all the stuff I’ve been doing for years).
Comments
You need a safety plan.
And I wouldn’t tell him until you’ve got everything lined up—a place to stay, a job, a plan.
At this point, I really don’t think you owe him much of a conversation. His behavior is unacceptable and there will never be a good enough reason to ever treat someone more so their wife that way. Don’t worry about his feelings, or how it will affect him. He didn’t care about yours making all those remarks. Just focus on a better future.
Stop thinking of how he will cope when you’re gone ..it will just keep you from leaving …put yourself and your children first and leave ….it will be hard and there will be days where you will cry and think if you made the right decision but love doesn’t live in this marital house anymore.Leave silently..avoid confrontation if you can… Why do these men see women as their pets? Hope you find healing as you move on .
I must say when I was in your situation I was so scared I just left and told him I left after I did it. Honestly I’m frightened for your safety. Someone needs to be nearby when you tell him or you need to do something like I did. Do not be alone when you do it. I can’t imagine what evil goes on that you haven’t shared with us
OP did you sign a prenup? I’m so sorry you had to go through this, sometimes we think it’s what we deserve and that is so far from the truth. I’m happy you can see the way out, I’m wishing you the best of luck!!!
I recommend you leave while he is gone and don’t tell him where you’re going. Let the family violence org help you form a plan. Consult with your lawyer to see what you need to do about the kids, but there is a very real statistical chance that he will turn violent if you tell him you’re leaving. Attempting to leave a DV situation is the most dangerous time so please, please protect yourself and those kids.
you don’t owe him any explanation. he has a functioning memory system and he knows what’s acceptable and what’s not (he probably never called his boss a cunt!).
leave while he’s at work. get a lawyer and have the lawyer handle communication.
You need to have an adult there with you, possibly a cop. This man is abusive and does not care if you die.
Do you have family or friends you can call?
You did not deserve any of this. I hope you know that.
Work with the organization on a safe exit plan. You and your children and your safety matter, not his feelings. He sounds like a horrible human being.
Don’t tell him anything until you are out and in a safe place. He will try to stop you and may harm you if he is given any notice.
No need to feel bad for the man who has been emotionally and psychologically abusing you for years. Try not to worry about him at all. He really sucks.
I recommend planning your escape without telling him. Gather what you need for you and your kids and just get out. You can tell him once you’re gone. Maybe even get friends and family to help you pack and move on a day you know he’ll be gone for many hours.
Good luck to you. Your life is going to be SO MUCH BETTER on the other side of this. Once you process and heal from these years of abuse.
Proud of you for starting to put money away. I know it’s super hard to have perspective when you’re in the middle of the situation but that’s ok, there are resources to guide you. Keep going and set up your life. Housing, vehicle, etc.
My personal choice for safety would be to move out while he is at work. Hire packers and movers if you can, they can get the job done quickly. Then go. I know this seems cold but you really need to NOT have it be a conversation. A person who calls you mean names and puts you down is not able to have a real convo with you.
When you’re in your new place send him a text. Say I’ve decided to move forward with the divorce, here is my attorneys information and we will be sending divorce papers over to you. That’s it. No discussion.
The sad reality is that he’s an awful person and you need to get away from him. Yes his life will be difficult when you leave but so what? He’s made the choices that landed him here. He has to live with that. You do not need to.
He treated you horribly! Keep putting money away. The only conversation to have at this point is serving papers and allow them to speak for you. He is not your responsibility to baby when he cuts you down every way he can. He WILL NOT change so easily. He’s had years of bad habits treating you horribly. Let him see what’s on the other side! Most of the time a man like this has trouble finding someone when he acts like this. And definitely has trouble finding a woman that will cook, clean, and put up with his crap. Like you, I was in a similar situation except I was the bread winner and took care of everything household while he was on disability, stayed home, and after a while stopped the little small things he was doing, like taking out the trash, cleaning his own dishes, stopped mowing yard. He put me down a lot! I had enough! I caught him cheating and kicked him out. He did not end up with the woman he cheated on me with and has been through several in the last year and a half we’ve been split. He texts me often stating regrets to how he did me and that I was the love of his life and how much he misses and wants me back.
You owe him nothing! Serve those papers and separate away from him with no contact other than divorce. I hate to say it but he has more than likely cheated staying at work late at nights. Show him, you won’t accept that treatment. Then get a gym membership if you can afford it or workout and get a new hair style. Glow up and work on you while taking care of your precious babies. Get your confidence back! That’s what I did and I finally felt attractive again. I had 2 exes I haven’t seen in years that saw me out and tried asking me out. ( I didn’t go because, not ready and not attracted to them.) I’ve had attention from others, Im just not ready to even date. I’m still heart broken but I’m feeling great right now on my own. You will too eventually. The only thing that could change him is himself! Maybe seeing you mean business and how you are taking up for yourself living without him will make him want to change. Maybe he will find someone else, and you’ll be hurt, but think of all the bad he did and imagine that she will be getting that same treatment and be thankful it’s not you. Or maybe he will not find someone and beg you to get back together and then if you decide to, you call the shots! Tell him if he’s serious you will both do Counseling before even dating him again. That would be my suggestion. Good luck.
As everyone else has said – do not worry about his feelings or how his life will be harder. He is treating you terribly and you don’t owe him anything. Keep squirreling away money. I’d honestly leave when he wasn’t home once you have alternative housing secured. File a police report and ask for an escort if you need to go back to get more things. Or bring someone, preferably a strong man because unfortunately your husband sees women as inferior, to get stuff. He doesn’t need to know where you will live. You have a lawyer – confirm with them so your kids don’t have to see him or see him for supervised visits and shortest amount of time as possible.
You don’t tell him ANYTHING until every single one of your ducks is in a row. He is an abuser. Abusers are not safe people to have an in-person “break-up/divorce” conversation. He will use every opportunity to manipulate you (he will lovebomb, he will threaten, he will promise to change, etc etc). He will try to convince you that you are a terrible mother and horrible person – he is projecting (he’s a terrible father and horrible person).
I would ask for guidance from your attorney as to the best way to break the news. Treat him like the dangerous person he is. Do NOT ignore your gut. That is how women get killed. And it’s laughable that he will get full custody. Ask for 50/50 plus child support and family maintenance.
Please make sure you’re in a public space when you tell him and have an exit plan that doesn’t involve him. In fact, having a friend or family member you trust there with you would be even safer. And you make sure your kids are with someone safe. You tell him and you leave. Make sure you have everything lined up. Good luck and please update us when you get out so we know you’re safe ❤️
You can tell him by being gone and having someone serve him with divorce papers. It is unsafe to tell him face to face. And he is not owed an explanation, you have already told him what he needs to know.
I would leave while he at work and just leave a letter. Have him speak to your lawyer. Or through one of those co parenting apps.
Please make sure you either have this conversation in public or with someone present. Lawyer, social worker, women’s advocate. Someone who will be able to see through his bullshit. This is not an area where a friend or family member alone is enough.
I am really worried because he knows.
He knows you are on your way out and that makes him so very very dangerous right now. That’s why he is offering to go to couples therapy. I would say take him up on it. Not to repair your relationship but to navigate the separation and getting your kids through this.
But please be careful.
I seriously hope you’re trolling OP. This man has been verbally abusive since you had his first child, so you went ahead and had 2 more? WTF are you doing. Step 1: get your tubes tied. Do this then get a divorce.
He’s an abuser. He’s not going to react well and you owe him NOTHING. Don’t tell him, he can find out later when you’re safer.
He was 33 and preyed on a 23 year old, weighed you down with babies, ridiculous expectations, and criticism right out of the gate, and expects you to think you are asking too much.
Yours is the cautionary tale young women with older men need to hear. He couldn’t get a woman his own age to put up with his crazy.
I’m so sorry you are in this situation. You need to make your safety plan and leave silently and secretly, following the advice of a domestic violence group. Don’t let him know anything more from now on or he will start trying to hide assets. And much more importantly, he could turn violent.
You have been managing an enormous load and you will find life without him, and without his ridiculous expectations, a lot more pleasant.
All responsibilities outside the regular workday are shared. It doesn’t matter that he earned money. A man needs to do his share of parenting and daily household labor. And there is so much more he said that was wildly inappropriate.
Good luck. Let us know how you are doing when you are safe.
Updateme.
I’m really sorry you’ve been stuck in that miserable marriage for so long… His constant criticism of your body and parenting is just sickening. You don’t deserve to be treated like dirt by anyone, let alone the person you vowed to love and cherish.
As you start the process of getting out, I hope you remember that you’re strong enough to handle whatever comes next… The comments offer some good advice, but at the end of the day, you need to do what feels right for YOU.
So my question is: What’s the most important thing you’ll focus on as you begin this new chapter in your life, your relationship with your kids, finding happiness within yourself, or securing a stable future?
See a lawyer secretly and take their advice about getting your ducks in a row for divorce. Don’t tell him anything that you’re thinking, he will just counterattack and block you from leaving if he can.
Jesus, he sounds horrible and horrible to be around sorry it came to this for you because it’s ROUGH out here
Updateme
Why do you keep having babies with this asshole?! You need to get on some type of birth control, like yesterday. And, yes, you need to make some sort of exit plan. I can’t really advise you on that because I’ve never had to make an exit plan before.
There is no reason for him to always criticise you because from what I can tell, he is just “putting you down,” and a person who loves you would not do that to you.
You might think that your husband is critical, but in reality, he wants to hurt your feelings on purpose. A critical statement should not be mean, judgemental, nor put you down. I found a wonderful explanation of good and bad criticism:
Constructive criticism
A friend might say, “I noticed you were talking over me in the conversation earlier. I felt unheard. Maybe try to be more mindful of when others are speaking.”
Instead of
Destructive criticism
You never listen to me! You’re so self-absorbed.”
Another could be “Your housework is consistently sloppy, and you clearly don’t care about it.” (This one I lightly edited to make it fit in a relationship scenario).
I wish you the best of luck, OP, but you have got to get away from him. He is poison to your mental health, and he may eventually become physical to “keep you in line.”
You need some sort of birth control, PRONTO!
Don’t you dare feel bad for him. He did this. Feeling bad for him will keep you stuck or coming back to him once you’re out. Stop it! There’s a BEAUTIFUL life waiting for you where you’ll be happy, free, you’ll love yourself, and everything will be so much HEALTHIER for your kids. Right now he’s setting a terrible example for them. It’s going to be hard, but you can do it & the freedom you’ll feel will be all worth it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from people, especially concerning your mental health. That’s nothing to brush off. I think you’ll be surprised at the number of people happy to help you if you just ask. DON’T SHOW YOUR HAND. Make moves in silence. Get a security system or cameras at the new place. Be safe. You got this!!! Go be happy!! It’s your turn 😉
You are playing victim and not seeing his side too,he Providing stability for you and the kids, if you Listen to these miserable women on here you will be alone like them! Take the couple’s counseling and work on your marriage and keep your family together.
Yeah your husband is Emotionally abusive. You don’t need to feel bad, you need to accept that he will not be part of the solution. Consult a lawyer on next steps
He KNOWS his life will be much harder without you, which is why he’s been emotionally abusing you and making you feel helpless & stuck.
I’m with the other commenters – say nothing until you’re already out and somewhere safe. Follow legal advice regarding the children so you don’t harm your chances of having custody of them.
Wishing you well, I can only imagine the stress you’re under right now!
You’ve endured too much violence 😢
I’ll happily come and supervise the discussion when you have all your ducks in a row and are finally ready to tell him you and the kids are leaving. If anything offside happens I promise your husband will be dealt with swiftly and without remorse. Men that treat women this way piss me off to no end.