The other night, my partner and I were out with a group of my friends, and one of my friends had asked him what he is doing for his birthday. I made a joke that we’d celebrate at the local bar that he frequents fairly often.
A few days later, he texted me a series of rage texts saying that I disrespected him by saying that, telling me to “fuck off,” and threw a few “fuck yous” in there as well. This is not the first time something like this has happened, but I would not say it happens frequently.
Since we have been together, things like this have happened maybe once every three months, usually in person, but sometimes over text. Any time it happens, he’s apologized after and recognized that it is wrong.
This last time, maybe it’s because it was in writing, I haven’t been able to shake. It’s been around two weeks now and I got “re-mad” about it. I feel as though I’ve reached my breaking point.
Is it fair to confront him and say that if it happens again, I’m done? I don’t want to threaten without warning since I do not know if that is considered manipulative. Would it be more acceptable to say if it happens again we have to go to couples therapy? I don’t want to leave, but I know I shouldn’t be treated like this.
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It’s going to happen again 🙁
You have a right to decide how you want to be treated. It’s a boundary not manipulation.
Yeah, it’s going to happen again. If he could control his temper he would. Do you want to spend your whole life walking on eggshells?
Why was he sending a flurry of rage texts? Because of the joke about holding his birthday at the local bar?
How long have you been in a relationship with, and also how long have you known, this guy for?
“If it happens again” lol. It’s going to happen again, so if you really mean your ultimatum you would just break up with him now.
An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation.
He knows it’s wrong because he apologizes, but then he does it again? Girl. This person doesn’t respect you. I would leave him and find peace by myself.
You are free to set any boundaries you want. Hopefully, they are reasonable boundaries or you will find yourself alone. This boundary seems reasonable.
It’s only manipulation if you don’t mean it. Don’t say that you will leave if you don’t have all your ducks lined up ready to march. Because then what happens when he violates your boundary again and you don’t go?
I think it’s time for couples therapy now. Therapy isn’t punishment. He has already been doing something that hurts you, and apparently you also have been hurting him. Y’all really need to work that out.
Be selfish and be cutthroat. You should have not accepted this behaviour more than once. He already got his warnings. Bye and block, it’s that easy.
You really haven’t ever told him you don’t want him to treat you that way?
Tell him now and add ultimatum.
Don’t know what kind of relationship you have with this person
But if you want to set boundaries and are struggling with setting boundaries,I would suggest reading “Set Boundaries,Find Peace”
Maybe ask yourself why you have tolerated this behavior for so long
>This is not the first time something like this has happened, but I would not say it happens frequently.
>Since we have been together, things like this have happened maybe once every three months, usually in person, but sometimes over text.
If he’s raging out at you in person every few months, I would say that’s a lot. Does it scare you? I would be afraid personally.
>This last time, maybe it’s because it was in writing, I haven’t been able to shake. It’s been around two weeks now and I got “re-mad” about it. I feel as though I’ve reached my breaking point.
I would listen to that feeling.
>Is it fair to confront him and say that if it happens again, I’m done? I don’t want to threaten without warning since I do not know if that is considered manipulative. Would it be more acceptable to say if it happens again we have to go to couples therapy?
That’s not a threat without warning, it’s a response to him treating you like shit on a predictable basis.
> I don’t want to leave, but I know I shouldn’t be treated like this.
Why don’t you want to leave?
If a 36 year old doesn’t know it isn’t appropriate to speak to a person that way, he will never learn. In most circumstances it actually only gets worse over time.
Why exactly was he angry? He has a right to his feelings, but obviously has no idea how to express them in a healthy or acceptable way. Sounds like he needs some therapy. Regardless, you setting boundaries is making him aware of how you expect to be treated. That’s not manipulation, it’s clear communication.
Off the bat, I’m confused as to why he reacted that way over what was as innocent a joke as there could be. That he reacted that way honestly makes me believe that you’re being a bit dishonest here about the type of person he is, because this is such a monumental overreaction, to something that didn’t even need to be reacted to in the first place.
So to answer your question, first of all, it’s fair to discuss quite literally anything that’s bothering you. But is it fair to give him an ultimatum? Absolutely. You need to understand that only you get to decide what your boundaries and deal breakers are. People often focus way too much on the word “ultimatum,” but the reality of the situation is that you shouldn’t feel bad setting a boundary like “hey, this isn’t acceptable to me, so if you do it again, I’m done.” YOU get to decide if that’s fair or not, not anyone else. It’s your life.
There’s two things from there though. First, you need to mean it. If it’s a deal breaker/ultimatum, and it happens again, then you need to actually leave. If you don’t, then all you’ve shown his is he’ll never have to change. Second, if he responds by gaslighting you (essentially something like “oh you’re going to give me an ultimatum? You’re shitty and manipulative”), then you’re again learning that he’s never going to change. What you’re doing is not manipulative. It’s honesty. It’s communicating boundaries. Good luck.
It’s going to happen again and again, and it’s only going to get worse the longer you stay together because to him, that’s a sign that his behavior is okay. If you choose to stay with him, he has been given a thumbs up to keep doing this to you. I can assure you that it’s not going to get better unless you leave this relationship. It’s abuse.
Dump him. It won’t get better
Not only is it fair it’s absolutely what you need to do because if you allow it then it will not only continue but get worse. It’s abusive and likely a sign of what you can expect in the future.
No one deserves to be abused and just because it isn’t physical doesn’t mean it is not harmful. All abuse has one intent, to hurt the victim. He needs to take accountability for his actions. No “but I was tired” or “you triggered me” bs. There is no excuse for abuse. Period.
honestly, you should be done already. you are just looking for excuses for him. he knows that behaviour is not ok. you have told him that a lot of times. you made him apologise to you. but he is doing it despite of that, because
he does not care how you feel and
you forgave him everytime.
if you have to bring up a type of behaviour constantly and the other party does not change it – they DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. so now you are going to threaten him, next time he says something like that, you will leave him. but honestly, WILL YOU? or will you find another excuse, why this particular time it was OK for him to be abusive to you again.
or
he will play nice, until he will have you tied up somehow. by being pregnant or otherwise dependant on him. and then the mask will come off completely.
Well this is not the first time it’s happened; why wait for another time before leaving?
It seems like you’re looking for more of a reason to validate staying rather than genuinely wanting to disentangle yourself from this person. Which is fine, but this is who he is and no ultimatum is going to change that if this isn’t even the first time.
You said that when it’s happened in the past he’s apologized and recognized it was wrong. But have you actually expressed how you don’t want to be treated that way/won’t continue to be treated that way? If you haven’t clearly let him know how much of an issue it is for you then how’s he supposed to know that it’s that serious and if he values having you in his life then he better find a better way to express what he’s feeling in those moments
Why would it not be fair? Rage texts are usually sent because someone is not brave enough for proper live or phone confrontation. People are more brave behind the glowing face of their phone.
Give him the ultimatum and do it live or by phone. His behavior was inappropriate and rude.
Why would you give him another chance? This is abuse, plain and simple. Stand up for yourself and get some self respect. You deserve better!
This ultimatum IS the warning. Stand up for yourself. This is not ok.
Your joke was passive aggressive. What he said may have been wrong but he was right to be pissed. Stop being b-tchy and he won’t be an asshole in return.
I think it’s fair to say you’re done now. Otherwise, you’ll just be waiting and watching for it to happen again. That’s no way to live.
When someone treats you with such disrespect you never tolerate it! If it happened once you have a discussion but if it happens again it is because the texts are how he truly feels. You dump him completely, there is no apologizing that can ever correct such disrespect! I believe your boyfriend is emotionally abusive. The outbursts of angry over stupid crap, silent treatment, then phony apologies and then repeat.
If you’re looking for permission to dump him, here it is. Dump him and find someone who will treat you well
It’s going to happen again. An ultimatum is a waste of time because it’s inevitable. Time to leave.
Only say you’re done if you truly mean to walk if it does happen again. You have to be 100% committed to following through on any ultimatum, otherwise it is just passive aggressive manipulation
Set a boundary for yourself. Example, next time he name calls, says F you or rage texts/yells at you, you are going to take a 24 hour break from him. Make it whatever you want, but that man gets one more strike before a final boundary. When he crosses it you need to act on what you promised yourself you would do. Leave if you told him (and yourself) you’d leave. Show that man you’re serious about loving yourself.
Those words are a complete no-no in my relationship. We have said that to each other maybe twice each over many years. Each time was a major relationship review as to how we got there or how one of us let that happen.
(There are many other ways to express oneself other than use of such demeaning words to a supposed loved one).
I think it is fair to establish a boundary that words and respect matter and those words are not acceptable.
You could promise a 2 week time out if you hear that again…and that after that, you will likely consider ending the relationship. To me it is completely fair to say what you will or won’t accept in how your partner treats you.
I don’t buy the “heat of the moment” as an excuse. If I received those texts, I may have responded with a “Don’t contact me for 2 weeks. After you’ve calmed down, you can apologize then”.
It’s so damaging since a partner may be legit upset over something that really needs to be talked through, but dropping those F bombs supersedes any other consideration and voids any moral high ground they may have had.
Really appreciate how scary it is. He messaged you days later about it. That means your offhand joke somehow upset him enough that for days he stewed about it and instead of coming to the conclusion that it was absolutely not a big deal he had a total emotional meltdown. Maybe when it was face to face you could rationalise it was in the moment but this was a protracted preoccupation on a nothing statement that drove him to a frothing rage.
Are you hoping a warning magically fixes that or makes him realise it is wrong? You already note every time it happens he apologises, he knows it is wrong, he’s had multiple instances of this to wake up and go get therapy and never has. And why couples therapy, it is clearly not your inability to regulate emotions at play here.
You know you shouldn’t be treated like that but you’ve let him. Reflect on why that is, why every time it’s happened, even face to face, you’ve just let it go. Why even now you’re willing to give him like, what, at least two or more chances as is. You need to be real about what you actually want and what you need to do to achieve it, and that includes leaving people that treat you bad.
He’s got anger issues, you might wanna rethink this relationship. I would suggest therapy for his anger issues
An apology is worthless if it doesn’t come with change.
While his text is unacceptable, why do you think getting him to go couples therapy is some kind of threat?
Its up to you. He is old enough to realise that such behaviour is not okay in general, let alone towards your partner.
If you are done, you are done. It doesn’t have to be fair. But this is bound to happen again with the frequency it is already occurring at. You don’t have to check if it is fair or not, you know what you feel and you know if you are willing to give it another shot or not. But it is totally validated to say this was one time too many and I am done.
Well the thing is you know it’s going to happen again. Why? Because it keeps happening despite him feeling sorry and apologizing.
A man of his age should be more emotionally mature than that and you can’t keep waiting around for him to get there. Between now and next time, you’d just be wasting your time.
He’s not going to change and if, by chance, he does then it would’ve been after a long period of you suffering through this.
Don’t go to couples therapy with someone you’re not serious with. Don’t give him an ultimatum. Tell him you’re tired of dealing with his anger and you’re done. He’ll try saying he won’t do it again. Just simply go back and screenshot the times he said it to you and the apologies, if he did it by text, and send them to him. The screenshots are both for you and him, to remind you why you need to get out of something that should be bringing you joy but isnt.
Why does it even need to be fair? He has not been fair with you at all.
He’s been abusive to you. You leave the relationship. You don’t give him another chance to be more abusive to you.
He doesn’t need a warning.
He knows he’s treating you poorly.
He doesn’t treat his friends like this. (I’m sure)
He doesn’t treat his parents like this. (Correct?)
He’s only treating you like this.
Dump him.
Definitely give him a warning that you’re going to leave so he can get more upset and next time choke you. Update us when he does.
You are allowed to break up with anyone for any reason at any time. If those texts were your breaking point, don’t wait, just leave.
Don’t bother with an ultimatum or therapy. Cut to the chase and break up now. You deserve better.
him throwing “fuck yous” at you should tell you everything you need to know…I wouldn’t let anyone talking to me like that…have some self respect and leave because he will not change
Why are you wasting your time with this guy? He’s not young to change. You don’t owe him warnings or chances. Just walk away.
Apologies without action are as worthless as a horse with no hooves. You aren’t giving him an ultimatum “without warning” the warning was you being hurt by him and him saying it was wrong after each time he repeats the same behavior. I know you said it wasn’t that often, but more than once is often enough to be pissed off. I have a no tolerance policy for that behavior. My father is that way to my mother and it disgusts me so badly that I don’t give second chances after you swear at me. I know maybe it’s harsh to put my father’s actions onto others, but if you say it once you can say it twice. That’s just not attractive behavior to me, frankly. It’s ugly. I’m not telling you to dump him; I would, but that is my personal opinion. I think you are well within reason to tell him if he talks to you that way again the next time will be to the back of your head as you leave his sorry ass!
Why wait? It’s going to happen again if it happens as frequently as every 3 months.
You know it’s wrong. You know you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Do you honestly want to stay in a situation that could easily turn physical if he doesn’t get his way?
“Partner: how long do you expect me to endure texts (or conversations) like this?
News flash: I won’t accept this kind of behavior forever. Either learn how to share feelings in a respectful manner, or not. That is your choice. I get to make choices too.”
Why wait for it to happen again? Why not choose to not date a verbally abusive person?
He needs therapy. If you stick around, might be worth giving that a try.
Forget the ultimatum be done now!
That’s the excuse he found this time.
“, telling me to “fuck off,” and threw a few “fuck yous” in there as well. This is not the first time something like this has happened, but I would not say it happens frequently.”
Good Lord, stop making up excuses for him so what if doesn’t happen frequently, IT HAPPENS! That is not what good relationships are about. You need to just be done with him because it IS going to happen again OP, wake up! Couples therapy? Why? You haven’t done anything wrong. He needs therapy or anger management then maybe you should consider staying but even by then the relationship will feel forced and fake.
Stop moving the goal post back so you can stay with an abusive person. Stop the disrespect now and end it now.
>I don’t want to leave
WHY?!? Why on earth would you NOT want to leave?
Look, he’s allowed to be upset. He’s allowed to be angry. But what you DON’T DO – ever – in a healthy relationship is act out like a fucking toddler. And “disrespectful” is a huge red flag here, because that’s the language abusers use to justify why they beat their partners. And if you’re now thinking, “oh, he’d never hurt me,” you’re not paying attention.
Get the fuck out.
i think I’d let this happen once before I’d throw up a boundary around this. this is not how you speak to a partner, ever. i mean come on
First step in controlling behavior? CHECK.
Whatever you do, please don’t get married. If you get married, it will almost certainly get worse.
It will get worse. I learned that the hard way. This is how he deals with his emotions and unless he does a lot of work, it won’t change and it will get worse. Think about it. Given a relatively benign joke, he interpreted it in the least charitable way (that you are awful, meant to harm him, etc.), then instead of bringing it up in a healthy way he went full anger and went right to heavy insults and name calling. He was trying to hurt you. Then he just moves on until next time, no work no introspection.
End the engagement and move in with family. Now.
Even if you have a date set, the closer the date gets the harder it will be. Then once you’re married it’s infinitely harder.
You might be reading these responses and think that the commenting Redditors just don’t get it, but if you are making this post in the first place, then some deep inside you know that this isn’t the type of relationship you want to be in.
Apologies only mean anything if their accompanying changed behavior. You should be breaking up without a second thought. This behavior is not okay and is bordering on abuse. Your ultimatum should be that he attend personal counseling/therapy to control his anger issues, but you should honestly be running for the hills.
An ultimatum is a warning. And if you’ve told him multiple times that this behaviour isn’t acceptable then an ultimatium isn’t manipulative, it’s a boundary you’re drawing for yourself and how you’d like to be treated.
Next time he violates a boundary, you need to show his actions have consequences and stand on business. You decide what those consequences are obviously. But you need to follow through.
it will happen again. if you stay, in front of your future kids, to your future kids.
No ultimatum, just be done. You’re describing an abusive relationship. Get out. Respect yourself. Live your life without his B.S. dragging you down.
OP, honey, I’ve been there. Well, not exactly like that, but close enough. Apologies are great, sure, but what’s he doing differently next time? Is anyone else feeling me here?
Once every 3 months he unloads on you? That is often. It is frequent. It is also abuse. Standing your ground is not manipulative. Refusing to be treated badly isn’t manipulation. And a future wedding date can be cancelled quite easily. I understand finding a new living situation can take time, but this dude is only going to get angrier and more abusive. Especially if he locks you down with marriage. And once you’re married the frequency of these outbursts will increase in volatility and violence. This is the path to an abusive marriage that will end anyway whether in divorce or death. Get out OP.
It would be fair to leave him without warning, that is horrible behavior. In all the years I have known my husband, he has been bull-headed, sometimes thoughtless, and occasionally argumentative, he has never yelled at me or cussed me out (and trust me, I probably deserved it at least once that I can think of). The times when he was a jerk was early in our relationship when he was 22-26 – by mid-30’s communication was actually happening.
If you want to stay and work this out, require anger management counseling for him and relationship counseling for the two of you.
The way you disagree as a couple is so important.
It’s important to find a person who can disagree respectfully without flying off the handle.
You have not found that person.
So what do you need?
You’re well within your right to be like “I thought about it and I don’t want to be with someone who talks to me like that. It’s over.”
You don’t have to offer couples counseling as a solution.
Do you need him to do it again to know that it’s awful and you shouldn’t be w him? I guess if you need that, then stay with him and then dump him when it happens again.
But you’ll just be delaying the inevitable.
He’s 36. He shouldn’t be acting this way. Period. He’s a grown man who can’t control his emotions. You can’t fix him. He has to want to fix himself and he hasn’t done so. So be done w him.
Rage texts are not normal/common in healthy relationships. You need to leave.
If counseling is something you would consider, there’s no need to wait for it to happen again. You can’t expect change without effort. Tell him you want to go to counseling now. Then let his response and how counseling goes guide your choice.
A word of caution: be prepared for your expectations to not be his. I once was in a bad relationship where fighting was happening almost every other day about such mundane stuff that I don’t even remember what it would be. Eventually I told him I could keep doing this and if we couldn’t figure it out, I wasnt going to be able to stay like this. A week late we were fighting once again. When I said this is exactly the sort of thing I was talking about, his response was “It’s been a week! I thought we were doing pretty good!” You can’t control the actions of others. But you can choose yourself when their actions no longer align with your values.
This is a huge red flag this person’s going to get worse and worse than soon as rages won’t be with words they’ll be with fists. Run. Fast.
The bigger question is why have you been willing to put up with such disrespect for so long. Perhaps a warning the first time, but the next time you should have walked. At this point dig deep and find some self respect. Time to move on. You deserve better.