We met a couple months ago, had an amazing first date. He was honest that he was dating around and wasn’t looking for anything serious, but that’s not he’s predetermined about the future and that he will eventually want something more serious. He showed up physically, mentally and emotionally. Made it seem like he wanted more. But as soon as i followed the same energy he got distant. The i miss you text stopped. The im prioritizing you stop. When i leaned in he got more distant.
We had a couple vacations planned. First vacation it was like i was there alone. He didn’t even notice really until i stopped talking and engaging. We spoke that night and he opened up where he was mentally and that he was struggling.
We just ended vacation two. Spent 8 days islanding hoping. Some days were good. Some were weird. About mid trip he said he doesn’t want to spend his time with just one person and doesn’t see that changing soon and will never want a monogamous relationship again. I told him that i understood, but i didn’t want to continue after the trip if that’s the case. I asked if we could finish the trip enjoying each other and if he wanted to talk after we could. We enjoyed the trip. Kissed. Laughed. Cuddled.
He got on his flight and i stuck to my word and wished him the best. I’m about to board my flight and I’m just sad.
So i guess my question is, what was post divorce like you for mentally, emotionally, dating?
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You’re doing the right thing letting him go he’s not ready for a new relationship. Divorce will take sometime to fully heal from.
You forgot the most important detail – how recent was his divorce? Because in my experience of every friend going through divorce or similar breakup, the rebounding goes on for about 2 years. No one is okay to date seriously for 2 years. And iv’e heard this same timeline from people I don’t even know.
He was honest with you. He did nothing wrong. Don’t date recently divorced people if you want anything stable or long term.
It honestly sounds like you handled this with a lot of maturity and self-respect. Post-divorce can really mess with some people’s ability to connect, they want closeness but the moment it starts to feel real they pull away. You protected your peace, and that’s hard but necessary. Hope you find someone ready for what you deserve.
Well the first red flag to me was you’re dating someone nearly 10 years older than you AND he’s recently divorced??? Come on girl you should know better than that
Post divorce for how long? And did he file or did she? And are there kids involved? If so, how’s the coparenting going?
Sounds like he tried dating too soon. There’s no set time allotment but I know that I took about 18 mos from the time I filed and 12 mos from when it was final before I tried dating again. And I did want to be pretty casual.
I think I went on about 25 first dates, 10 second, and 1 third in about 2.5 mos. Third date guy is my partner of 7 years now. Both of us had been divorced and had processed things and that wasn’t a problem but I wasn’t ready to be exclusive til we had dated for about 6 mos.
I’d chalk this up as a one off. Not all people who divorce are going to behave this way.
I think he was traumatized by his ex and needs time to heal. I recommend that you move on because he is nowhere near ready to start a serious relationship right now
Definitely not ready for a real relationship. If he is a decent man then the divorce would have really bothered him – regardless of the situation.
Post divorce was very hard for me. My first wife came out so it shouldn’t have been so hard but it was. I knew, in my heart, that it would be best, for me, to wait before getting into a relationship. I had one night stands but it wouldn’t have been fair of me to try start a new relationship when I wasn’t over the old one. After three years I did, however. I was ready then.
Well, I’m sure you can poll the guys, but there are some pretty big red flags right off the bat. For one, he knew where you stood from the beginning. That would have been an awesome time to being up the fact he does not think he could be monogamous again. Again… something tells me that non-monogamy on his part was the problem in his marriage.
Then, all it took was for you to match his energy, and HE pulls away because it’s just too much. Wtf? So basically, all that listening and showing up he did was all bullshit to reel you in. But God forbid you reciprocate, because that would be too much. It’s also a massive double standard. “It’s ok if I do it, but don’t you dare!!”
It felt like cheating at first. I dated for a few months and the feeling caused me to be avoident. So I took a 6 month break, did some therapy, hobbies and after, almost immediately met my current partner. Been together 3 years and easily my healthiest relationship.
I think it is one month for every year that you are married before you should consider a new relationship. Otherwise it is a rebound relationship. It is longer if it was an ugly divorce.