My husband and I have been married for seven years, together nine. He has a teenage daughter with his ex and we have two children together. Our marriage has been happy for the most part. But we experienced some traumas in the last few years. I was assaulted by his ex and her partner and I don’t want to give too much detail. But it was a brutal attack, I am very lucky to be alive still. And both his ex and her partner as still serving their sentences.
I did receive therapy after the attack and I still go to therapy. But it changed so much for me and I have found I struggle in ways I never would’ve imagined. My husband has been kind, loving and supportive but there are things he cannot change or take away. He also received therapy after the attack and so did my stepdaughter.
In the interest of full disclosure I must admit that my stepdaughter’s relationship with her mother, her unconditional love for her and the mentions of her mom still are part of what has driven me to want a divorce. My stepdaughter loves her mom. She has photos of her mom in her room. She talks about missing her and brings her up regularly enough that it is incredibly difficult for me to be an adult and to stay and listen to her speak like this. She never says this stuff to me. But she doesn’t stop just because I’m in the room either.
I know she can’t wait to see her mom again, she misses her, she writes letters to her and she talks about the stuff she’ll be able to be there for when she’s older and out of prison. And I understand because this is her mother but it is so deeply distressing for me to hear the woman who did this to me, who planned this and put her partner up to his role in it, is missed and loved so much and to have so much positive said about her. I don’t go near my stepdaughter’s room because the photos of her mom are difficult for me to see. She slipped a couple of them into the living room once as well and my husband asked her to take them back to her room.
I don’t blame her for loving her mom or missing her mom or wanting her mom. She does know what her mom did to me but she’s still her mom and I understand that. But even if she moved out in a few years, I know that part of being her stepmom and married to my husband means dealing with the fact her mom will be back in the picture eventually. And I don’t feel okay about that and it kills me to co-exist in a house where her presence exists in this way.
My therapist and I have talked through this so many times and she has said it is ultimately up to me if I can’t do this anymore. My husband is wonderful and I still love him. I don’t blame him for what happened either. It’s just staying married to him comes with things I don’t think I can handle any longer.
But I know this is a decision that could make things toxic between us and co-parenting could be difficult. And I don’t want that for my children either.
I would really appreciate some advice. I have not yet discussed wanting to leave with my husband but I have communicated everything else to him.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
This is heartbreaking. A trial seperation BEFORE the ex is released would be my advice, adding her return into the mix would not give you a fair chance of managing the breakup imo.
I would be fighting for the MAXIMUM custody of your kids too not 50/50. The step-daughter is NOT a good person either and clearly is happy to hurt you. I woul;d not want my kids anywhere near her long term.
Have you tried some family counselling with your stepdaughter to acknowledge this and how to move forward in a way that is healthy for all of you? It does sound like you’re being really fair to your stepdaughter but it sounds like perhaps she really doesn’t understand the gravity of her actions and how they impact you.
As for a divorce, if I’m being honest, I think that’s a bit of a band-aid on a bullet wound. If your bio kids have a good relationship with SD, then chances are she (and your husband) will always be involved in your life to some degree.
If you can, maybe try and take a break from your home for a few weeks. Stay with parents or friends for a couple of weeks and allow yourself to be in a more neutral environment. It may help you think a bit more clearly about what you want to do.
How old is your stepdaughter? How old was she when the attack occurred? I’m wondering if she’s old enough to be able to process what was done to you by her mother.