TL;DR
Been (33M) with my GF (26F) for 3 years. We’re weeks away from moving in together, but we’re going through a rough patch. She broke up with me in May, saying she thought she didn’t have feelings anymore. Four days later she wanted to try again, but things have been cold and distant ever since. We text, plan furniture, and she visits, but emotionally she’s shut down.
I’ve taken responsibility for my flaws (emotional dumping, no social life, relying on her too much) and I want to grow. But I’m finishing my master’s thesis while spiraling from this uncertainty. She says she’s overwhelmed, lost and unsure who she is anymore. She hints we might be better as friends, but also says she’d be devastated if I left.
I don’t know if she’s staying from guilt, comfort, or real desire to try. I want to give this one last shot, but I need to know if we’re truly both in it. I’m scared I’ll move in only to watch everything fall apart.
What would it take for us to repair the relationship ? What could help rebuild connection and trust after such a rough patch? Is it doomed ?
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I (33 M) have been in a 3-year relationship with my girlfriend (26F). We’re supposed to move in together soon. I canceled my lease, the new lease has been signed, furniture is arriving and we’re both financially tied to the situation. But things have gotten incredibly complicated.
At the end of May, she broke up with me, saying she she didn’t feel like she had feelings for me anymore. I was devastated since I had canceled my own lease and made all the arrangements. Four days later, she reached out, said she made a mistake and still wanted to try and we’ve been in this strange limbo ever since. We’re technically “together,” but communication has drastically dropped. We still see occasionally one another, but it’s weird.
I’m finishing a master’s degree while working part time. We met three years ago when we were both finishing our bachelor’s degrees. We are both each other’s first serious and long term relationship (I’ve dated before while she hasn’t). We’ve always lived separately and saw each other every 1-2 weeks (sometimes less during exams/work). When we started dating, I was still living with my parents, but I got my own place since then. She hated the situation but I made all the efforts I could to fix my life.
The breakup happened after a rough few months. I was often emotionally withdrawn, stressed and not the best partner. I was really depressed at one point and told her about it, but it scared her. I often emotionally dumped on her and we got trapped in a routine whenever she visits. We were both aware of it, but no one made the effort of communicating it. I was only focusing on us moving in together and that things would change at that moment. She also mentioned feeling unsure about the relationship after starting a new job and tried to get a reaction out of me by mentioning one of her male colleague (she told me she wanted me to get angry). I was also unsure about the relationship, but since she seemed fine with it I thought it was just me being stressed about life. Before canceling my lease, I asked her several times that if she has any doubts she must let me know and we could navigate it and maybe not get the apartment, because of the precarious situation it could lead me too if we were to break up before moving in. I also didn’t invested myself emotionaly enough regarding moving in. She was concerned about which furniture to get and I just didn’t voice any opinion and cared more than that.
She has an avoidant tendency (I have an anxious attachment) and a history of severe anxiety (hypochondria notably). Every big step in our relationship has triggered some panic in her. When we started the relationship and I asked her about us, she panicked but came back. When she did an exchange year, same thing happened. Every big milestones scare her, but never to such intensity. Getting the lease for the new apartment triggered her and she told me it stressed her out, she had doubts and she felt stuck. I was there for her and explained that if this was not the direction she wanted, we could go our own way. She said I was too nice and I should have dumped her. She thanked me for always being there for her and that we should go on as planned.
The breakup happened shortly after the lease. We had a couple of conversations since getting back and she said she feels overwhelmed, lost and that she doesn’t know who she is anymore. She said I’ve always known what I wanted and she doesn’t anymore, she is still young and has changed a lot since starting the relationship. She recently told me she thought we might be better as friends than as lovers. She even sought validation from tarot/fortune tellers that the relationship wouldn’t work. Also that she didn’t deserve me because I’ve always treated her well (she believe she had cancer for months at one point and I was there for her) when she didn’t. She’s afraid of being trapped in the relationship. But she also said she cares deeply for me and didn’t want to lose me.
One big issue is my lack of social life. Because I moved a lot during childhood and adolesence, I don’t have a group of friends anymore. I still have friends that I occasionally see, but not a fixed group. She said it hurts her that I’m never introduced her to anyone. I’ve always been honest about this situation. I don’t have family in the country anymore which puts pressure on her on top of it. Due to the situation, when she broke up with me, out of anger I asked her if she wanted me to kill myself, because at the moment I could have risked homelessness and precarity. I apologized since, saying it was really manipulative of me, but I was so angry at that moment, especially since I asked her several times prior if this was the direction she wanted to take.
Despite all that, we’re still texting once or twice every day (sometimes with emojis or nicknames), she came to visit last weekend and we’re continued preparing things for our move (planning, ordering furnitures). But the communication has become colder and when we’re together, she can seem distant or emotionally absent. And we’ve stopped being intimate.
I’m trying hard to finish my degree (I have my thesis to submit) and stay grounded, but this emotional uncertainty is crushing me. I miss the warmth we had. I also know I wasn’t perfect. I was moody, leaned on her too much emotionally and didn’t always create a fun or positive space for us. I’ve taken responsibility and want to change, but I don’t know if that will be enough. I also had my doubts about the relationship, but decided to go with it, hoping it is just a bad moment and things will improve and the relationship will bloom again.
I don’t know if she’s holding on out of guilt, comfort or a genuine desire to make it work. Sometimes I think she’s hoping I’ll break up with her to relieve her of the burden, but last week she told me she’s be devastated if I were to break up now. She told me it was the most horrible time she has ever been through and her only way of coping was to completely shutting down and focusing on work, friends, etc. I suggested getting couples’ therapy but she wasn’t sure about it (she has gone back to therapy since the breakup).
I have been spiraling the whole week, trying to find answers, to understand the behaviour, to analyse the outcomes, but I can’t continue like this. I need to focus on what I can control now, my job, finishing my degree, not living in my head anymore and being a good partner at the moment. I’ll start therapy as soon as possible.
There are still moment of hope, like for instance, when she woke up in the morning last week she was super affectionate, only to put a wall 20 minutes later.
I know I need to be more assertive and put strong boundaries now, but I wonder why would someone would go through the motion of moving in if they have so much doubts. After we got back, I’ve asked her if she wants to call the move off, and she said she wanted to try. She made arrangements for the lease and we’re going shopping together soon. These actions suggest she hasn’t entirely given up, but emotionally I feel like I’m carrying everything right now. The apartment belongs to her family, which might put more pressure on her, but also would make it easier to cancel, although it would be hard for me to find a place on short notice. Not impossible but it would add a lot of stress.
I want to ask her for real clarity and to re-engage, but I don’t know if it’s too late and we’re heading for disaster.
What would it take for us to repair the relationship ? What could help rebuild connection and trust after such a rough patch? Is it doomed ?