I (34F) am extremely worried about my husband’s (40M) online behavior

I’ve been sitting on this for weeks, maybe months, and it’s eating me alive. I honestly don’t know if I’m just paranoid or if my gut is trying to warn me about something really serious. I’m reaching out here because I feel lost, scared, and overwhelmed, and I don’t know who else I can talk to about this.

For some context: My husband (40M) and I (34F) have been together for about seven years, married for three, and on the surface, we seem like a normal couple. We have a good life, no major financial troubles, no obvious red flags. He has a stable job, and we have three kids. An eight-year-old, a three-year-old, and a six-month old. Everyone who meets him thinks he’s charming and trustworthy. I always believed him to be a good man. But lately, things have changed in the worst way possible. Either that or I might be just noticing things I ignored before.

It started out small. I found some messages on his phone that made me uneasy. There were some flirty text messages with much younger women in their early 20s. That alone was disturbing, but what really shook me was the tone and content of the conversations. It wasn’t just harmless flirting; some of the things he said just felt manipulative. He’d push boundaries, ask very personal and inappropriate questions, and sometimes even ask for pictures.

At first, I confronted him. He brushed it off as “harmless chatting” and said I was overreacting. But then I started noticing other odd behaviors. He spends a lot of time on social media and dating apps while still married. He insists it’s just for “fun” or “curiosity” but I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something more predatory going on. There’s a pattern of him befriending very young women, sometimes even teenagers, through these platforms. He tries to get them to confide in him and then subtly pushes for more personal contact. Just last week, I found a folder on his laptop with photos that looked like screenshots from conversations with underage girls. I didn’t open everything but enough to realize it wasn’t innocent.

Here’s the part that makes this whole situation tricky. When I try to bring any of this stuff up, he gets defensive and angry, and claims that I “don’t trust him”. But the thing is it’s not that I don’t trust him. It’s that I’ve been seeing some certain, concerning patterns that make me very uncomfortable. He used to be in the military several years ago, but he was kicked out for reasons that remain unclear. He has a dark sense of humor and sometimes likes to joke about “getting away with things” or “being smarter than everyone else”.

I’ve tried to deny it or rationalize it by telling myself that it might just be immature behavior or a midlife crisis, but deep down I feel terrified. I feel hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken that this is the man I once considered my husband and the father to my children. I keep thinking about what it would mean if he really were preying on minors or vulnerable people. What kind of monster have I married?

What scares me most is that I don’t know how to go about all of this. I feel trapped. I have three kids and no close family nearby. I’m afraid if I report him or confront him too aggressively, he might try and deny everything and gaslight me into doubting myself. I don’t know where to go for help. I don’t know if i should talk to the police, a therapist, or a lawyer. I’m terrified of what could happen to our kids if all of this is true. What if he’s been hiding this from me all along? I’m horrified that I might destroy my family without solid proof, but I also can’t ignore my gut. I want to protect myself and my kids without ruining everything if I do happen to be wrong about all of this.

I’m just so fucking exhausted and confused. I want to do the right thing, but I don’t even know what that looks like right now. What would you do if you were in this situation? How would you handle it?

TL;DR: I (34F) suspect my husband (40M) of predatory behavior after finding disturbing messages with much younger women, possibly even underage girls. He brushes it off as harmless flirting, but I’ve found folders of screenshots, and his behavior feels manipulative and boundary-pushing. He has a sketchy past, including being kicked out of the military for unclear reasons. I feel trapped, scared, and don’t know whether to go to the police, a lawyer, or a therapist. I’m terrified for my kids’ safety and unsure how to handle this without solid proof, but my gut tells me something is very wrong. What should I do?