My wife is an amazing human. We’ve been together for almost 4 years and have been married for a few months now (the wedding will be in a few months). We get along well, have fun together, give each other space, communicate well, and for the most part, our relationship is a- okay. The problem is, is that we don’t have sex. We kiss, but don’t make out, and sometimes we cuddle. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 years now. When we initially started dating, the sex was earth-shattering, would sometimes last 5+ hours, and frequent. We were long distance for 2 years, so I attribute it to that. We’ve been living together for 2 years now. We’ve talked about how we don’t have sex anymore, but nothing ever changes. We’ve discussed planning sex, but the thought of planning sex (though I’m aware it’s normal for couples to do) doesn’t get me as stimulated as it is just happening organically. The time we tried, it felt incredibly awkward. In the past I’ve tried to end our slump, but she’d say something along the lines of, “My stomach hurts “, ” I feel sick”, or something similar so in my mind, sex is off the table so why even try to initiate? Just go to bed. I stopped initiating all together because it happened so frequently, and oftentimes, I’d just be out right rejected because it’d be too late in her words.
Once I stopped initiating all together, we’ve stopped having sex completely. Throughout this time, I’ve been realizing a few things, and I’ve voiced them to her as well. I realized that I’m always the one making her feel wanted and desired, and I never get the same in return. I used to touch her frequently, grab her ass, tell her how hot she is, and how much I wanted her sensually and sexually. But I’ve stopped completely. I told her that I feel like she’s affixed a gender role (male) to me because of how I dress.
How I dress is what I’m comfortable wearing and doesn’t define me, I’m a woman first. A woman that is married to another woman. She claims she hasn’t affixed a male gender role to me, but it feels like she has. She doesn’t want to initiate sex and says she is scared to because of past trauma in a relationship. However, before the 2 year slump we are in started; initiating was more mutual. So, I kind of feel like I was right, and she just doesn’t want to outright admit. Another example is that, after I proposed to her, I literally had to ask her to propose to me too (not literally the same moment but days later). She wasn’t planning on it. I made her proposal so special, and it hurt that she didn’t even consider that I’d want to feel special or that I’d want a moment, too. In her words, once one person proposes, “You’re engaged and that’s it. The other person shouldn’t have to propose. That hurt, but I know that’s how some relationships work;however, her saying that shocked the hell out of me because we’d talked about it (mutual proposals) when we were dating (3 years prior). I didn’t think I’d have to ask to also be proposed to, but I indeed did. I feel like everything is always on me, and it’s not mutual.
The culmination of everything has caused me to become emotionally distant. I want things to change. I want to feel as connected and as in love as I felt those first 2 years. I feel love. I love her, and I married her, despite feeling like I do because we’re so good in every other way.
I just feel like I deserve to have my ass grabbed too.I also deserve to feel desired and wanted sensually and sexualy. I also feel like I deserve to have someone tell me that they choose me and want me to be their forever or infinity and beyond without asking them to. Why isn’t the desire and the want equal like it once was? Why is everything so one-sided?
As our slump persists, it’s awakend a lust in me for my previous relationships with men (I’m pansexual). I don’t miss the men, I miss and crave the feeling of feeling wanted and desired or craved; like you have to have me right here and right now. We dont have that anymore. I’ve brought up my feelings but left out the part about the lust that’s awakened in me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it if talking about it never results in anything changing.
I would never cheat, opening our marriage is a hard no, and she doesn’t want to go to counseling. So what do we do? Just keep swimming?
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Divorce.
Open the relationship.
Cheat.
Accept a celibate marriage.
These are your options.
I ended up leaving, after trying to make it work for 20 years. I wish I had left sooner.
Why proceed with a marriage if you guys were no longer having intimacy? I totally understand the romantic feelings being there, but I would imagine I’d have some serious reservations on making that commitment until that issue had been resolved first.
I recommend suggesting couples therapy if you both want to work on the relationship. This unfortunately is not going to resolve itself until you both put in the work to fix it and as it seems you had been the one primarily putting in effort, your wife needs to be meeting you part way now.
You sound like a caring and gentle person. Even though it’s hard for me to understand a sexual desire towards a woman (I am straight af), I hear your cry for love. Your partner doesn’t want to do anything to hear you or fix things with you. It sounds like she doesn’t love you as a partner, she loves you as a friend. And one sided love, no matter how strong, won’t be enough for a romantic relationship. You can either live as roommates or divorce, I don’t see any other option.
As a woman engaged to another woman (both 35) I can definitely say couples counseling has really helped us. Sometimes there’s bigger issues that kill intimate factors that need to be addressed.
Try to keep bringing it up to her, or negotiate a type of counseling/ therapy she’d be comfortable with. It might be worth pushing the issue.
She doesn’t sound in love with you…also I’d be suspicious of her cheating. Have a sincere conversation and make some hard decisions if she’s unwilling to try
So I’m a straight married male. And what youve described is what a lot of us straight married men encounter. It’s what I’ve encountered. Now if not for my kids I would have probably left a long time ago. Part of a marriage is being intimate with your partner. If that’s what’s lacking then you’re right your partner will feel just like a roommate. I would say try therapy, both couples and single(single more for her). If that doesn’t work out then I would say divorce and move on. Don’t let it drag on. Best of luck to you!