I just need to let this out somewhere.
I moved overseas from a third-world country and went through all the hoops—student visa, work visa, building a life from scratch. Along the way, I met my now-husband. We’ve been together for five years, married for two. When we first got together, I was 30 and he was 27. He had a stable job with the same company for years, and emotionally, we just clicked. He’s loving, kind, and genuinely appreciates me. We’ve never had issues in our relationship.
But it’s been different when it comes to finances. A year into the relationship, I found out he had no savings at all. He’s always paid his share of the bills and has a strong work ethic, so I tried not to let it bother me too much. I’ve always believed that as long as someone works hard, the rest can be figured out.
Over time though, I started noticing that he lacks ambition. Anytime we talk about money or goals, his mood shifts. He says he’s happy just having a job and doesn’t really care about climbing the ladder or making more money. He once considered switching to a better-paying field, but the qualifications were expensive and time-consuming, and he decided against it. I offered to support him if he wanted to go for it, but he didn’t want the long path.
Eventually, I got a better job in the city, and we had to move. I also helped him find a better-paying one too. But two years in this new job, I found out that he still hadn’t saved anything. We have a joint account for expenses but have our personal accounts. When we started talking seriously about buying a house, I had to take full control of our finances. Most of our savings for the deposit came from me. I also had to contribute more during our wedding. I’ve been covering more than my fair share for years now, and it’s starting to wear on me.
I can’t help but wonder: did I make the wrong choice? I came here to build a better life, to build something with someone who had similar goals. And now it feels like I’m carrying both of us financially. I earn more, I save more, and I push for our future. He tries, but he’s not doing his best.
We’ve also talked about kids, and right now, he doesn’t want them, which I understand, because our current goal is saving for a house. But deep down, I sometimes wish I was with someone more financially secure, someone who was ready to build a family now, not later. I’m getting older too, and by the time we’ve bought a house, I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to have children.
And yet, I love this man. He’s an amazing partner in every emotional sense. I don’t want anyone else, but sometimes I resent the weight I carry. I worked so hard to get here, to this country, but it doesn’t feel like an improvement. I feel guilty for even thinking this way.
TL;DR Am I wrong for feeling this way? How do I stop resenting the imbalance without hurting our relationship? Has anyone else gone through something similar? How do I approach this? Please be kind.
Comments
i mean… he doesn’t seem like he wants to change. the question now is, can you keep going this way all your life? if not, it might be a dealbreaker.
What is he spending his disposable income on?
You didn’t have all the information at the time about who he is or about your wants (which also may have shifted over time, as they often do)
Just set up an automatic transfer that deposits some money into a savings account every month if you are worried about saving. Clearly he won’t do it himself.
Everything else tho? Clearly this is who he is, and if you don’t like it, you will have to decide what’s more important: him or your quest for a better life. Some people are content with what they have and where they are, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But it does mean you might be incompatible.
I don’t think there is a fix unless you just accept you’re going to be the one putting in more money into your relationship.
It boils down to that he’s comfortable not moving up in his job and is fine with what he has.
I couldn’t be with someone who expected me to keep moving up the corporate ladder. I don’t want that stress in my life and am happy with what I have.
If he’s spending a ton of money on other stuff then maybe he needs help with a budget and you should combine finances and give him a spending budget. But he may not see that as fair if he doesn’t want to save up for stuff you want.
There’s a lot of ways to split bills in a relationship, might have to fine tune one so that you can save but he can still buy some stuff. (Assuming not all your money goes to bills)
I don’t think you’re wrong for your feelings. You’re prioritizing your financial security and future because you value those highly, and it sounds as if he doesn’t value that as highly.
It’s pretty dang important to ensure you’re aligned in values and life goals before investing in major legal and financial decisions like marrying, buying a home, and having children. That doesn’t make you selfish or vapid. Does he understand exactly how important these are to you? Have you asked him what his plan for retirement is if he isn’t saving?
I’ll never forget the night when my ex (I was 30F, he was 29M) went into “emergency mode” on my couch and rushed to set up a Roth IRA because he thought I was going to dump him. No, I wasn’t going to break up with him in that moment. But I was definitely frustrated by his total lack of planning to save for the short-term and long-term and the constant conversations we had about it that led to no changes. He had a stable job and couldn’t be assed to even use a high-yield savings account. And of course I would repeatedly bring it up because no shit, it’s important to me that we have our personal finances in order!
You can love somebody and still recognize your incompatibilities. As someone who has broken up with a long-term partner for similar incompatibilities: you won’t be the first to make that call, and you won’t be the last.