I 34F married my spouse 43M and 13 years later, I’m left holding the bag. Will life ever be enjoyable again?

Throwaway account. 34 (F) and my stbxh 43 (M) Married for 12 years (13 years in a week but separated for most of the last year so not counting it.)

This is a painful post to make here. I’ve been a redditor for quite some time and I remember a happier time in my marriage where I was excited to come to this board. I remember a time when we were so in love with each other; or so I thought. Things were easier. Maybe life was easier. Idk. I just vividly remember when things werent always so dark.

Starting from the beginning: we definitely both married too young. I was 20 and he was 29. And yes I am aware that he had no business marrying a 20 year old woman. I was still somewhat of a child but I had just had our first child and simply had no idea what I was getting myself into. I lacked the life experience as well as loving family and upbringing to be able to make good choices for myself. Growing up, we both came from big families. Very broken, dysfunctional families I would later learn. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever even have kids but sure enough, it happened. It wasn’t planned and I was halfway through college but I’d decided I was going to love and raise him and make the best of it. I was a college drop out when I had my son. My husband was the breadwinner. We both decided it would remain that way. He vowed that he would financially support us and that was his contribution to the relationship. I took on more of a home-maker, caregiver role. It got really tough as I didn’t have much support from him around the home and with the kids but I told myself at least he was a financially supportive father to them. Something I didn’t have growing up.

Fast forward, I eventually went back to school a year later when my oldest was a toddler and graduated from my program. But I would then go on to have 3 more babies, bringing our total to 4 children. In a very HCOL area of the country. The decision to have a large family was mutual. And we both decided I would stay home to raise them. Life wasn’t perfect but it worked. We made do with what we had. My husband was my boyfriend at the time we got together and he was able to purchase a home. We didn’t marry until after our child was born so we spent about 2 years in the home, just in a relationship. We were together every step of the way though but because only boyfriend/girlfriend, I did not go on the house.

Fast forward a few more years, the kids were getting older, I was working here and there for the school district to bring a little money in. Not much but it definitely helped. Life got even more stressful so I think to cope, my spouse started drinking heavily. He has always drank but around the pandemic it got really out of hand. While battling my own demons, I too started to drink. I simply couldn’t cope either. I didn’t know what was wrong but I knew I wasn’t right. To be honest, there were days I did NOT want to wake up the next day. This went on for a few years. Trying to parent, trying to be a loving, caring mom, but completely forgetting to take care of the most important one in the equation, myself. But also not wanting to physically be here anymore was tough. Looking back now, I can see that we both were struggling. We don’t have any family support, we had very young children and simply couldn’t cope.

In 2022 I got some help. I knew I couldn’t carry on anymore the way I was. I needed help badly as my mental health was deteriorating. I got myself into intensive therapy. I worked on myself and my demons from my traumatic childhood and very abusive upbringing. I became active again, letting fitness back into my life. During all this, our marriage really started to suffer. Wed become so distant and the vibe in the home was completely off.

It was then that I suggested marriage therapy. I don’t really want to go into the specifics of the therapy but long story short, it ended up being a disaster. We went to a few sessions before throwing the towel in. I won’t point fingers because that’s not helpful but the marriage therapist (who’d been in his field for 30 years) told my husband he’d be shocked if he were still married in a year.

After marriage therapy ended, in early 2023 my Husband was then fired from his job he’d been in for over 20 years. It came as a surprise but not that much of a shock. He’d been drinking a lot, barely hanging on to the job to begin with. I won’t blame him directly for the firing because the reason they let him go was sort of B.S and the company then went on to fire multiple other people who hadn’t behaved nearly the way my spouse did but it was a wake up call for me as I was worried sick how we’d support our family going forward.

Following his termination he really went downhill. He’d accused me of changing drastically overnight due to my recent therapy and he said “his wife left him” and felt there was no reason to try anymore. It was then that he gave up on his family and didn’t try anymore from that day on. Scared and worried, I picked up full time work in education. It was enough to get us by completely but it saved us from losing everything. The rest of 2023 prettt much went the same. Our back and forth fight of me asking him to get another job, and support his family or at least help out around the house, and him accusing me of leaving him and pointing out there was no point to try. This went on until end of 2024. I even forced him into individual therapy. But it didn’t help him because he wasn’t ready to work on himself. He still isn’t.

By 2024, it was clear everyone was suffering. I couldn’t take it anymore. I filed for divorce. But with no family or friends or any support anywhere, I knew it would be tough. Bills still needed to be paid. Kids still needed to eat. So I decided to move downstairs in the basement. I asked him to move down there but he flat out refused to leave the bedroom. And I couldn’t take another day sleeping next to him so I went. I then got a better job as well that pays double what I was making. In a year or so, I will be making better money. Still low income for the area I live in but not completely broke and starving. I tried to have him served but he avoided the process servers for months. And beyond that, I consulted with lawyers and because he bought the home before marriage, I wasn’t entitled to much. A lawyer even said it probably wouldn’t be in the best interest to sell it because it has a lot of unpermitted work done on it that we won’t get included in the sale of it.

Fast forward to now: still living separated. I am taking on a huge financial burden now because he still refuses to work. Over 2 years now and he just won’t. He’s extremely unhealthy and overweight and won’t help himself or his children. And I’m in an interesting place because if i leave, 1) I cannot afford a place to live in the area for myself and my kids. 2) I lose my rights to the home.

Yes I know, the courts will impose a seek-work order on him when the divorce moves forward. But it doesn’t matter, he has already said he will give every excuse in the book for not having found a job. He will even take a citation, he will lose his license. He doesn’t care. Do jail time. Still won’t force him to do anything. He decided on that day early 2023 when he said “I was changing and left him” that he would not work or try anymore.

It all feels so unreal to me. A nightmare. I never thought the man I married would become the man he is today. We both decided to have a large family. So why when things didn’t work out am I the one left holding the bag? I am the only hope my kids have left in this world for them to survive. Nobody is coming to rescue them. Their own father is emotionally unavailable and completely disconnected from reality. Regardless if I vacate the home or not, the decision to marry him and start a family with him is now going to bare consequences on me (and most importantly our children) for the rest of my life. The best thing to ever come out of it are my children. I will forever be grateful to call myself their mother. But I absolutely hate that they now have to watch me suffer. And grind hard. And have to miss everything and not be available for them. Because of their parents horrible decision to be together in the first place, when in reality we probably always weren’t right for each other. So I no longer believe in marriage. Or love. And I regret the day I said “I do.” I’m not the victim here and don’t claim to be. It’s my children who are though. Generational trauma being passed down from one generation to the next.

TLDR; I got married way too young, had a large family with a man who completely deceived me. Trapped me with kids and now nothing I do will remedy the situation. Never again. Seriously, never again. Will life ever be enjoyable again when the dust settles ? If the dust ever settles ….