In August 2024 I went through my wife’s phone and I found these deleted text messages between my wife and her coworker in her “Recently deleted” folder
For context, they both WFH full time
Tbh I thought the conversation was mostly harmless except for a couple points
- After her first question about investing where he doesn’t respond she claims that he called her and they talked on the phone.
- They were supposed to go to an overnight company wide work trip/party (“Summer camp”) and then, by chance, they were both going to be in NYC the following weekend (suspicious?)
- She deleted the messages because (her words), “She knew I would ‘get upset’”
She openly admitted to trying to flirt with him and that she liked the attention.
I was really upset by her flirting with a coworker, and then attempting to hide it from me.
We went to couples therapy and in the first session our therapist understood I was upset but encouraged us to work through it and put it behind us. In the following session our therapist made it seem like I was making a big deal over nothing (Which I was really taken back by). Over the past year my wife also made several comments about me making a big deal over nothing.
Time went on and I started to move on but it was always in the back of my mind because this really hurt me (our marriage was already rocky at this point and we were already in couples therapy)
Fast forward to last week, I saw that her coworker texted her again (She didn’t delete these), mostly innocent back and forth, “Congrats on the baby … how are the kids… are you back at work? …” blah blah blah. This brought up all the feelings of betrayal from last year.
The text exchange is here
The last message she sent she claims he never responded, which I find odd. Idk if she deleted them… her recently deleted folder was completely empty like she cleaned it out. Usually she always has some spam messages sitting in there.
She also didn’t come to me and tell me he texted her again, I found the messages myself. When I asked why she didn’t tell me she said she, “Forgot” and that it, “Wasn’t a big deal”
I feel very betrayed and my trust in her is basically gone. I would never even think to flirt with another woman or bask in the attention of someone else.
She still works with this guy and they are on the same team. She will have overnight trips where she has to go to the office or to her client’s office. I don’t know if he’ll be there, or if she’ll even tell me. She has already had overnight trips/work parties with him (Hence the flirting about, “Activities” and team building competitions)
How do I navigate this situation? I can’t tell if I’m overreacting over nothing, or if my feelings are valid
Comments
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She’s put the horns on you man, that’s the fact.
What you do with that information is up to you.
Absolutely valid. She knew what she was doing was wrong since she deleted them as she “knew you’d be upset”.
They had a company trip and then were conveniently in the same city for the weekend? That’s planned.
Therapy at a minimum. Lawyer up.
These texts look absolutely harmless. Giving friends/coworkers energy and nothing more. This isn’t even flirting? Not trying to gaslight you. Just my opinion.
google search for divorce lawyers near me – Google Search
You ask her if she would be prepared to sit a polygraph and if she refuses, you go legal.
She has chosen him over you and I bet he is married or they would already be together.
This will not end well, if she doesn’t want to talk about it and she’s hiding the fact he’s still texting her she could be hiding other things. If her behavior is not something you can accept you need to tell her that, how you’re feeling and the meantime consult a divorce attorney (don’t tell her you’re doing this).
Those texts have rocked your world for over a year?
They’re harmless, get some fucking therapy dude.
people aren’t stupid bro, they don’t just “forget” especially if it’s something they know is causing problems in the relationship. remember this: if they wanted to they would.
im afraid to say she is being purposefully evasive, and i don’t think you are overreacting at all. what you do with this is for you to decide. either way bro, you will be fine 🙂
Im gonna have to assume that she is up to something more. I could be wrong, but the fact that she erased everything in her trash file leads me to believe she’s quite possibly cheating.
You have come to your own decision on whether to accept this or kick to the curb. Im 65 and married 34 years. We’ve been through it all, both sides, yet are still together (very happily) through the power of open and honest discussion. Mainly honest with ourselves. That is key. Honesty with yourself and herself first… then with each other.
Maybe time for you to say she needs to look for another job.
First rule of ending any affair emotional or physical is complete NC with the affair partner. If she balks at this then its likely still ongoing. If she’s still deleting texts its definitely still ongoing. There are so many ways to communicate especially within a shared work environment.
I’d say before you confront again, you need to do a bit more digging. IE looking at your phone records and matching them up to whats on her phone. If text numbers and times don’t line up, you know they have been deleted. You wont be able to see the texts from the records but you can see when they happened which can show you if some are still being deleted. You should also try to get into her work email if possible (ie if she uses a laptop from home or has it on her or a work phone. Unless there is govt or some other legally restrictive policy).
If you are unable to get into her work info you may need to confront with what you have and ask to look at it. If she balks then you know its likely still happening.
She’s proven to you already she’s willing to lie to you so don’t be shocked when she blame-shifts to you and your “insecurities…” This is likely just deflection and you should see through that. A person with nothing to hide doesn’t have a problem proving you wrong by showing you anything you ask to see.
Worst come to worst you can look into hiring a PI who can surveil and do a forsenic look into her electronic communications.
Sorry it has come to this. But when people break trust they can’t expect others to trust them blindly.
Good luck.
Being totally honest here – these texts seem incredibly harmless, and I’d venture to say she deleted them based on how she knew you’d react.
These texts are nothing and you’re way overthinking
Did she attend a Coldplay concert, by any chance?