This post will be short, cause I’m devastated and don’t feel like typing the whole story right now.
We’ve been together for 12 years, never really fought. We had an amazing chemistry, so many shared passions (sports, music, humor, …). Last years have been seriously hard on us (surgeries, loads of shitty news and challenges with our families, … ). A distance gradually introduced itself between us. I gave her the space “she needed” to physically and psychologically heal, waited, was questionning her from time to time about many things without being too pushy (and about this “weird” proximity she had with her colleague-M ). She kept reassuring me that there was nothing, just a friend blablabla … Turns out they developed something in the last months and she was mentally struggling because she saw herself becoming in love with him. She was scared that admitting this was going to put an end in our relation, because she was still in love with me (her words, hard to believe for me right now), so she started therapy to find the courage and words to tell me everything, but never was able. Long story short, I found messages/images on her cellphone that will probably rest in my mind for the rest of my life. She is of course super sorry and wishes to go back in time, regrets and feel ashamed …
I know it’s super recent and that it is not time to make any decision, I need space and time (she accepted to leave the house and go at her parent’s until I’m ready to discuss), but do you think it is possible to forgive someone for cheating after having built so much, during so long? I feel like I’m never going to be able to look her in the eyes the way I did before. A part of me wants to believe it’s feasible, I know life sucked on us in the last years. I feel like forgiving this type of behavior is a way of saying, yeah sure do want pleases you in the future I’ll just be this lame boyfriend that accepts everything. I want kids in life. We tried in the past, never worked, and now I feel like the clock is ticking and that having to rebuild something from scratch with someone at this age is too late to have a family…
Hurts so much … Thank you guys in advance sorry for the highly probable multiple typos.
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It’s definitely possible to forgive, but almost impossible to forget.
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Forgiveness is for yourself, not her. I don’t think there’s any way you could ever trust her again.
Go to counseling to work through this and meet with her only to tell her she has a fixed amount of time to move out of your house (assuming it’s under your name only based on what you suggested in your post).
Uh no it is the time to make the decision. She cheated on you. This is game over. Let her live with her decision.
Some people can forgive, some can’t!
For me it would depend on if you’re ok letting seeing him at work? Potentially seeing him around and about.
Personally I could never forgive the lies. X
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You will never be able to fully trust her again, and a relationship without trust is not worth having. At 34, you are still young; life is very long. You should take this to the r/Infidelity and r/SupportforBetrayed subs for advice from people who have been there. You can also read “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.” If you do want to try to reconcile with her, you can look at the r/AsOneAfterInfidelity sub. Many of the people there are suffering as they try to make it work. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth the effort. The majority of people who try eventually decide that it wasn’t worth it, and wish that they had just left. Good luck, OP.
I think it’s possible but it’s certainly not easy and when your relationship is already dysfunctional it may be uphill all the way. That’s why if she’s not 110% trying you should not even give her a chance
What’s to stop a person who clearly only cares about themselves and with no thought about you with every decision to keep it going with the coworker? She could have stopped interacting with him well before she crossed a line, but she chose him over you multiple times. Don’t be her backup.
Dump her
There are only two options when it comes to things like this: forgive her and move on from it, or break up.
Breaking up is the best option for you if you believe you’ll never trust her again or have the same image of her as a person.
I’m not saying at all that you should forgive her or that cheating isnt a big deal, but I’m saying that because a lot of people who stay with cheaters will resent them the entire rest of the relationship and constantly live with anger but won’t just leave. It becomes super toxic for both partners, which is why IF you plan to stay with her, you can’t hold onto it and resent her forever, because you chose to stay with her after she cheated on you.
It’s over. Move on
If you’re really worried about time and starting over with someone new, 34 definitely isn’t too late.
Forgive but nerver forgetti.
Forgiveness is something to give yourself.
Do not go back, she has lost all respect for you. Sunk cost is not worth it. Do yourself a favor and get rid of the trash.
At 30 years old. You wil be ok.
You only have one life. You have to part ways with her and focus on you.
You have to reconnect with yourself… heal from this situation and be patient…. Allow time to heal those wounds.
Obviously easier said than done… but it can be done.
You also don’t want to block your blessings.
You’ll find someone in the future that’ll make you twice as happy in less time than this girl ever did.
Something’s are just unforgivable… it’s your life so you have to take control of it… don’t be a prisoner to the consequences of someone else’s actions.
Good luck. 🙏🏾
First and foremost. Feel what you feel.
Mourning the trust that has died in your relationship, is very very important.
Then I want you to sit with yourself. Let yourself feel the anger, the hurt, the fear.
After you have had time to process and feel everything, then honestly ask yourself if you want a future with her or if she’s just the most convenient person for the future you want. If it’s the latter, walk away. If it’s the former, there are a few things to keep in mind.
-couples therapy is a must. You two will not trust each other for a while, and you guys need a mediator to translate for now until your trust can be re-establish.
-the goal should not be to try to “get back to the way things were.” The way things were she was still able to do this shitty thing. You want to build something new if you choose to move forward. Something, hopefully, stronger.
I am a poly person (ethical non-monogomy) and I can tell you, it is possible to love more than one person at once. However, doing that without everyones informed consent, makes that incredibly unethical and shitty.
For the record – I’m not recommending becoming poly. 99% of people do not have the emotional/time capacity for that. And honestly it requires even more trust than monogamy.
Every time she has a difficult time, you will be paranoid that she’s cheating. When trust is broken, it’s almost impossible to fix it. Lots of hard work from both sides. The fact she didn’t tell you is part of her communication issues. She should not have been withdrawing when she had a difficult time. She should have been communicating with you about it. Instead she found her emotional support in another person. I would move on, because you don’t have kids, and this is already a screwed up relationship.
Not worth your peace. Part ways. No conversion is even needed.
It’s always amazing how many people still haven’t understood this “friends only” designation directly…
During the time of distance…..She lied to you before and is probably actively lying again.
Her behavior is a reflection of her character, it’s not a reflection of yours. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Take time to separate your lives and move on. I’m so sorry
Did she actually cheat or caught feelings and tried to work through them with her therapist? Not clear from your post
She’s just upset that she was caught. Of course she’s remorseful now. Did she offer to cut the guy off? Quit her job? What is she doing to regain your trust? She was most likely trying to monkey branch and now she just looks like a cheating asshole.
Time to separate and find someone else who you can start your family with. 34 is still young!
Congrats on not marrying her! Should be much easier now to untie the knot! Shes going back on the streets at 34 and it’s going to be rough!
Yes you can forgive, but it will take a long time to trust again. If that’s the route you want to go then you’ll need to consider couples counseling. Especially since the last few years have been a struggle. I’m sorry this happened to you, it’s rough after 12 years into a relationship.
They do it again. I forgave my ex husband to try and keep a stable home for our son. He did it again. I should have left the first time and not wasted more years.
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. As somebody who forgave their Gf for cheating, I’d never do it again.
You will never forget and when she’s late coming home from work, spending too much time on her phone, out with friends and family you will wonder if she’s cheating. This is no way to live for either of you. There’s no coming back from some mistakes and this is one of them. Break up amicably, cut contact, and move on. And for the millionth time, there’s no such thing as “he’s just a friend.”
So did it ever go physical?
No way, man. There are a lot of good women out there who won’t turn to another man as soon as things get rough.
That’s the kind of person you want riding shotgun through your life, not this trash.
I’m not gonna say you should or shouldn’t say, but I will say this type of thing does happen in relationships sometimes, and it certainly is something you two can get past together, and something she truly can be sorry for. It’s a tough situation of course, but that’s how these things go.
Anything can be forgiven, but forgiving someone does not mean that you condone their behaviour, nor that you want to continue the relationship. I have forgiven my exes for everything, including cheating, but I certainly wouldn’t give them another chance. My suggestion would be to let her go, take some time to yourself, and then when you are ready, find someone who will be faithful to you. Trust takes a while to establish, but once it is broken, it is broken. I am sorry that this happened to you.
You must just cut ties with her cause if you forgive her she will just do it again some time in the future
Most advice you will get here will be to break up. But you can forgive. And no, you can not, nor do you need to forget. But you can move forward. With or without her.
One way or the other, you will have to forgive what happened, even if you decide to break up. Otherwise, you will suffer until you do.
There are no right answers. It is your life and your relationship. Try r/asoneafterinfidelity .
Updateme.
Forgiveness at that level would take lots of work on your end. It would mean reestablishing trust, not holding the cheating over her head forever and trying to rebuild your relationship. Do not settle for this relationship because you think time is ticking away from you being able to have a family someday. Do you want a family with a woman you will always have doubts about? It’s not too late start over with someone new. But if you want to stay with this woman, be prepared to put in some hard work. And she has to as well. And if neither of you are willing to do the hard work, then cut ties now.
No, it’s not late for you to build something with someone new. Maybe it’s late for her. Due to her age. But for you it’s not. Also, you can forgive her so you don’t have hate in your heart but it doesn’t mean you need to stay with her. She betrayed you in the worse way imaginable.
Don’t ever fight for someone who don’t want you. Move on. It will never be the same. Learn to love yourself then try again
I always tell myself if someone cheated once, who’s to stop them from cheating again? people will claim they will change but from my experience and other stories i’ve heard, 90% of them don’t change and end up doing it all over again. don’t forgive her, she threw away your relationship for a colleague. let her realize what she lost after realizing the grass isn’t always greener
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to give them a 2nd chance. You forgive them to find peace withself so the negativity doesn’t carry into the next relationship.
She made the decision she made, and she has to live with it.
And I know you want kids, but if the resentment is still there the kids will pick up on it.
Don’t stay just to have kids. There are women you can date who are that are close enough to your age for you to still have kids.
To be honest, you guys were together 12 years. You never got married, never had kids, frankly you had this coming. People don’t stay in stagnant relationships forever
Remember: she chose to do everything she did. When you consider even the possibility of reuniting Remember she, an adult, with all the shared interests, history, etc chose to do every single thing she did with rhat other person.
Choose yourself and remind yourself of the lessons she’s taught you about her as you continue your life.
This is a tough one. I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and I’m not sure that leaving is the right decision. However you’ve been together 12 years but you guys aren’t married? Come on 12 years? If I were her I’d have a problem with that. Maybe that’s one of the reasons for her infidelity? She doesn’t feel good enough for marriage so she’s seeking someone who feels confident about her? You should try counseling and see if you can move past this. Many marriages have overcome infidelity but it’s not an easy thing to do. Don’t make any hasty decisions and talk to a professional.
It is not too late to start over. I wasn’t married until late 35. It hurts to let go of so much that you have built. You will
Be able to forget, but it will be very hard to forget. And if you can’t forget you won’t trust her again.
Get rid of her and find another one. She doesn’t love you as much as you love her. She’s only sorry because she got caught
This is an awful situation and I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, the only thing I can say is try to distance yourself emotionally as much as you can from this before making a decision, if this was someone else telling you this, what would you say to them? In terms of having a family, there are lots of ways to do that and you’re in no way too old to start over if that’s what you choose to do. While it would be hard I’m sure you could try to forgive her and move on but this will be hanging over you and if/ when it happens again you’ll have wasted more of your life with this person. Ultimately it’s your decision but my vote is that you separate and move on, it’s never too late to start a family and you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t trust because of a perceived timeline.
I genuinely dont understand the people saying you should forgive her, what has she done to earn any forgiveness
The space she needed for healing was in your hugs, home etc. instead she was doing the naughty kinky shit with another “don’t worry about him” dude. Kick this person to the curb, call it a win but yes there’s a cost.
Updateme
Easier said than done but I’d move on. A lot of people as they get older have the mentality of sh*t or get off the pot. I’m a little surprised she hasn’t pushed for marriage. And the fact that she hasn’t is a little concerning. Keep yourself busy. Hang out with friends. See a concert. And keep her number and socials blocked.
It’s heartbreaking to see how someone you trusted so deeply could let you down like that… and I understand why you’re struggling to see a future where forgiveness is possible, it’s not just about forgetting, but about rebuilding something real when the foundation feels shaken.
You may forgive, but you will NEVER forget.
I think you would both be better served by parting ways.It sounds like your relationship isn’t making either of you happy.
OP sorry you are going through this.
First she lied to you that he was just a friend and nothing is going on.
Second she wanted to go to therapy to find the strength to tell you she was catching feelings for someone else.
Third after all is said and done she feels regret after you find her messages.
Fourth she is “ willing” to not contact him and changes jobs now? Because she knows it was wrong? Why couldn’t she have decided that before.
OP read those again. It looks like she tried monkey branching and it failed. For whatever reasons. So now she wants to come back to you.
You will always remember what was said in those text messages. You will always think of her with some disgust for what she did. You will always remember. You will always have stress when she gets distant. That isn’t a healthy relationship.
You deserve better. If you want to give her another shot I say separate for like 6 months and then revisit if you can move past it. If you can’t move past it move on for you own sanity. Get in a healthy relationship.
Last years had been hard from you but did you cheat?
Don’t make this as an excuse / justification why she cheated, she did because she wanted to.
She’s not worth it. You need to move on far from her.
Forgiving is always possible and necessary for your own mental health but you’ll never forget or completely trust her again. You’re still young enough to start over but if you decide to stay you’ll need to put in boundaries that were not there before. Difficult times reveal how strong relationships are as well as who people really are.
forgiving and moving on is possible. but the main point i want to make is your saying you don’t have time to start over. your 34 you have plenty of time to have kids. your new wife doesnt have to be exactly your age.
i think your looking at this like a sunk-cost fallacy: phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action (in this case a person) because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.
Whenever your partner asks for “space” give them all the space in the world by just breaking up with them. Following this advice would have saved you a lot of trouble and heartache.
Did she get physical with the colleague?
It’s possible to forgive but as you stated in your post, you’ll never look at her the same. It is also possible to build an entirely new relationship with her but the question is do you really want to?
Never make the same mistake twice! Honestly tho, you’re 34 and still have time to reboot your life with someone else who doesn’t “fall in love” with a work colleague while she’s supposedly in love with you. Not saying you did anything wrong personally but something in her perspective made her stray. That’s enough to end things and find someone else to spend your life with.
I met my wife when I was 33 and we married a few years after that so that’s proof you have time and don’t have to feel like you’re stuck with your cheating girlfriend, but you have to stop wasting your time asap in this relationship.
Something very similar happened to me at 29 years old. Very similar everything. I wish I would have left. I thought things could get better, but they didn’t for me. I held on for way too long to something that was over.
Imagine this, you are about to date someone and you know 100 percent they are willing to cheat on you. Do you date them?
Don’t think of it as throwing 12 years of history, ask how many years of your future are you willing to wager?
So the thing that took me a very long time to understand, was that the distance, the retroactive relationship issues, everything that was happening while I thought we were in a good place…
All of it, every last bit, was bullshit. It was all the other guy. From the beginning.
Because, it can only happen if they’re looking for it. Making themselves accessible. Being available.
Why they just don’t break up with us? Because not everyone they try out will commit. And they 100% will put on an act to keep their safety net.
She “loves” you only as long as you might provide. Stop providing, see if she’ll still love you. She won’t.
As someone who was cheated on, and took back said cheater after 8 months apart, I can honestly say it was the worst decision of my life. It was ok, at first, and then it went downhill. I analyzed everything, doubted everything. When the white lies started it was because he “didn’t want to disappoint me” or “because I was already hurting and didn’t want to add to it” massive gaslighting. I had ONE condition, as I am not one for ultimatums- he was NEVER allowed to communicate with her, ever again, about anything.
I was told she was blocked so imagine my surprise 8 months in an email from her popped up and they had been conversing. She reached out to him to apologize for all the turmoil she caused. They were both married when they had the affair. Needless to say, he responded and they had an email exchange and I was DONE. I left that week and filed for divorce.
Moral- those few months back together was an absolute waste of my time. I had healed some in the 8 months apart, but we had shared history, a child together, and we were friends- we had fun. He made me laugh. Biggest regret and mistake of my life. Its been 14 years now and I am still pissed at myself.
Do not take her back.