It was a sunny day in February about Eleven (11) years ago when my parents separated. One could say it was a long time coming. My mother and I had long suspected that my father enjoyed the company of men and finally the fated proof we had long been awaiting arrived. Fortunately, my parents never got back together and my mother is the happiest I have ever seen her.
My father was out running errands when my mother told me. So, I called him and told him not to come home from his errands. He wanted to be heard. So, I agreed to meet with him at a park.
Now, prior to this, my father was a vault. He never shared truths with his family except insofar as they served his needs.
But, when I met with him I received a two-hour long diatribe about his life and the experiences he felt shaped him into the person that he was today and the relative position he had found himself in.
He disclosed that he had been cheating on my mum for about Ten (10) years. His method of cheating was mostly opportunistic. Initially, it started throgh people he met through his work. But, he retired quite young. So, it progressed to haunting bars/pubs/clubs and through that it seemed he became part of social swinger groups. He then formed relationships that ended in volatility. It turned out that a few of his ‘friends’ which I meet over the years were actually his lovers.
In his mind, he is not gay or bisexual and simply enjoyed the gratification that came with being pursued and an object of other people’s desire. It was easy for him. I accept this, sexuality is complicated. But, I told him that I would support him and I encouraged him to consider that he may always struggle in an exclusive heterosexual relationship. In my mind his sexuality is a separate issue to my view that he should let the marriage end without resistance.
Unpromted, he then went on to explain that when he was a teenager, he was SA’d by his male cousin. Our families were close growing up.
Now, this cousin had a sister about Three (3) years younger then my father who (no surprises) is also my dad’s cousin. When my father was Seventeen (17), he decided to take revenge on his male cousin. In his words he said to me ‘So, to get back at (name), I fucked his sister (name). One day when he is on his deathbed I can stand over his dying body and say ‘I fucked (name) like you fucked me.’
From that moment, his manner, framing and the relative age between he and his female cousin lead me to the conclusion that he SA’d her. I did not ask him to elaborate, much to my now shame and regret.
Three (3) years ago my brother had his first child. This is when I first felt internal pressure to disclose it, but I did not. He confided in me that our father was asking to help out with overnight babysitting. His child was only 6 months old at this time. He didn’t feel comfortable at all. So, without revealing too much, I simply told him our father was a sex-pest and likely had a warped sense of physical boundaries and he should never leave a child alone with him.
I have held this secret in for a long time. No one has lied to me more than my father, I have no reason to trust anything he tells me. What if the family anecdote was self-serving? What if it was designed to garner sympathy from me so I would use that information to persuade my mother to have compassion on him?
However, last week the female cousin passed away. I agonised for many years about reaching out to her to ask her, but my relationship with my fathers side of the family severed the moment my parents separated. This is a cultural thing, but also only my mothers family provided real support. So, I chose them.
I am left in a position where I can no longer substantiant what my father disclosed. But, I feel this creeping need to tell my fiancee. I don’t want to burden her with information that has tortured me. I also am ashamed of myself for not speaking up earlier.
Any insight would be appreciated.
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It’s a tricky situation. In my opinion, you should at least talk to your brother about it, and since it burns you so much to keep this inside you perhaps to your spouse also. Unburden and forgive yourself, you did nothing wrong until now, but keeping this secret is not doing you any good.
Your father admitted a rape to you. Please don’t downplay it to SA. Yes, your fiancée needs to know. Your brother needs to know. It should not be a secret.
You have a lot of guilt. I believe it’s not justified. I believe a counselor would be of help to you regarding this and also help you know how to disclose this information.
Based on my the way my grandmother and great aunts handled their childhood sexual abuse, I think you did the right thing by not dredging it up for your cousin. She was the one who had the right to discuss it or not. Talking about it might have made you feel better, but it wouldn’t have changed anything for her.
While your cousin was alive, your answer to your brother that your father is not safe around children because of his sexual past was the right move. Now that she has passed, I believe it would be appropriate to bring up the topic of your father babysitting again. Ask your brother if he’s ever considered changing his mind or if he needed to know why you counseled against it. If he does need to know, you can tell him what your father told you.