I started dating again 7 months ago because I felt I was healed from past relationship trauma that occurred back in 2023 I’m on . This woman was everything I asked for and I loved being around her. She tells me always that she loves me and we’re planning on moving in together she tells me she wants kids soon we both have great careers everything seemed perfect. Fast forward last week my anxiety building up and getting uncomfortable intuition with her noticing not using her phone around me like social media scrolling etc and putting it under her pillow when she sleeping. I tried telling her in a joking way and got told “this sounds like projection I love you why would I I do everything for you I never done this that the other for any guy ever I’m not your ex .”
So shut down I apologized and still couldn’t help the feeling at the bottom of my stomach. I went against everything I believe in a relationship and went through her phone while she slept I know I’m pos and I found out she sending sexy pictures to her coworker and a few months into our relationship she was having sex with him apparently they were fck buddies. My heart almost pounded thru my chest and I closed everything and laid there till morning. She’s at work I called off feeling sick. She has a school exam this week that will get her a promotion and her birthday is on Saturday. I want to break up with her after her birthday not to ruin her week or put her in a weird state of mind for her test. I need to just tell her I’m going to listen to my gut feeling and walk away as I’m not healed enough I think and I’m not mature enough for all her friends being guys. I know I’m going to get thrown projection this that and the crying swearing it’s nothing and even offer to show her phone *** that she will obv filter thru*** being showing me and I know I’m weak when she infront of me. I can’t tell her what I did absolutely not. Please help me
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Honestly? She cheated on you. Why worry you went through her phone?
Sure, you should not have done it, but she cheated.
Just leave her.
She was having sex with him and sending him pics while with you…
She’s a liar and a cheater. I’d call her out on it, who cares about going through her phone at this point. You trusted your gut, her behavior was shady, and you found out why.
Dump her now, and move on.
Why the fuck do you care about someone who has so little regard for you?
She’s lied, disrespected, cheated, and weaponized your past experiences against you.
Are you living together? If not, you don’t even have to confront her. Just text her “I know” and box any remaining stuff and leave it somewhere safe. Don’t engage with her, ice her out. She doesn’t deserve to explain or have closure.
I’m sorry. Seek and yea shall find.
It is wrong to go through someone’s phone, but what she is doing is far worse.
You had a gut feeling and you were right.
I would not shy away from that. I wouldn’t celebrate her birthday either. She made her choice. ( assuming you know 100 percent and are not reading into anything)
Pretending it’s your fault to about saying you looked at her phone to me is silly.
Just tell her you looked. You know she’s been lying to you and sleeping with another person and you don’t want to date her anymore.
If she’s mad you looked at her phone, just say you’re sorry. Be done.
You should not have gone through her phone, but the size of your infraction is minuscule compared to hers. The deception is willful, ongoing, and she tried to gaslight you. That is so dysfunctional. You picked up on the clues. If you would have asked to see the phone, what would she have done? Made you feel bad for asking probably. You should feel really bad if you violate someone’s privacy and find out they are completely blameless or only doing minor shit. In this case you were going to be kept in the dark unless you took the initiative. It feels wrong and in the future in relationships express why it’s hard for you to trust people and that you will have some discomfort over lack of transparency, so while you will honor someone’s privacy, you will have some needs around being assured everything is as it seems sometimes. Because you have been betrayed in a major way here and you thought things were good and only got suspicious recently. That’s disorienting. But that is all about your future relationships because this one is fucked. You might as well admit to finding the evidence and say you know how wrong it was but you won’t apologize because she lied to you and tried to make you feel crazy. That’s malice. Tell the truth that you know and that it’s a dealbreaker because well you shouldn’t actually have to explain that because she is a bad person or at least has major issues she needs to deal with. This is not your fault.
When someone feels the need to go through someone’s phone, there’s already a problem. So far every time I’ve read something like this, the partner was cheating. Your intuition took over, and it was right. I wouldn’t wait to break up, just for her peace. She doesn’t give a shit about your peace
Why waste time and money on her birthday? End it now. She knows she is cheating it’s not going to surprise her. If she cared as much as you think, she would not be cheating. Do what is best for you, stop worrying about the cheater
Save yourself some cash for her birthday present, and dump this cheat asap.
You’re thinking about ending things with her? Look, I get it, it’s tough, especially when there are exams and birthdays in the mix. But listen to your gut, okay? It’s been trying to tell you something all along. Why wait for some arbitrary event like her birthday? You deserve peace of mind now.
She cheated. If you need to explain it, say you got an anonymous tip that she and a guy named whatever were still banging during your relationship. You don’t need to prove yourself to a cheater to stop being cheated on.
She cheated and put your health at risk. Please get tested. I’d pack your stuff up today while you’re off and move on. Put yourself first here.
You should have broken up with her in the past not in the future like youre thinking. We cannot help you if you are not going to help yourself.
why wait? Just do it.
You’d just be the idiot if you didn’t break up with her, get out of there.
Just say, ” I know and we are over”. Then block her in everything and moce on . She is not owed any more of an explanation. Put your mental health above hers.
She’s shown no consideration for you, lied, gaslighted you. Break up now and tell her you know what you know. Honestly, fuck her, her job, her test and her promotion. This will probably give her more opportunities to screw her coworker anyway. Don’t kid yourself, she’s not going to upset about the breakup, she’s gonna turn it around on you for going through her phone.
You don’t need a reason to break up
People say never go through someone’s phone, but cheaters who lie and decieve sometimes you never get evidence without resorting to that. So dont feel badly at all. She’s the POS for cheating on you and risking your physical health and having complete disregard for your well-being and etc. In the future if you want to feel less bad about it just be honest and tell your girlfriend, “I have a gut feeling something is going on and id like permission to look in your phone to verify some concerns or not.” If they refuse on the spot, that will be your best indicator. Because if you give them time, they will delete all the evidence. Some people just dont feel comfortable when you ask because it feels an invasion of privacy even when they are completely innocent. But thats why open phone policies are also best. If you feel strong suspicions and someone’s being very sketchy, trust but verify.
7 months in is really fast. I saw this because there are narcissistic people out there who will love bomb you. They will appear to be and will say everything you ever wanted and hoped for in a relationship then they start to gaslight you (the line about you projecting) and make it seem you’re controlling or wrong to have any reservations about them.
It doesn’t feel like it now but she’s done you a huge favor. You don’t trust her and shouldn’t trust someone you are just getting to know and are talking about marriage and kids. When you asked, she had the opportunity to be honest. She could have been up front about a relationship that was happening when you first met and tried to work it out. She chose otherwise. Just go. Be honest, lie, say whatever you want/need to. Say it to her face or by text or just ghost her if that’s what works best for you. Just know without a doubt that this person knew what you went through and chose to play you. You owe her nothing. Do whatever you need to but get out.
First thing, screenshot the evidence. If she tries to deny it, then you have the proof.
Second, get your ducks in a row. Get your values/papers into a safe place.
Third, execute the exit plan. Have a place to live lined up, forward mail, get an additional phone to switch over, and anything else that needs to be in place.
Fourth, ghost her. Block her and never look back. I think you should do this 24 hours before her birthday. Do not give her a birthday present. You will regret it.
Brake up.
You are way overthinking this.
Maybe not a popular opinion, but snooping is only bad when you find nothing. When you do find something it is 100% OK to say so. “Hey, I looked through your phone and you are cheating on me. We are done. Bye!”.
Nah man.
Take her to dinner for her birthday. When you guys get your drinks or maybe even during appetizers just say, “Did you invite (coworker’s name)?”
When she looks like a deer in headlights and questions why you would ask that then you reply, “Because obviously he is important to you too if you were fucking him behind my back.”
Throw the some cash on the table to cover your half.
Walk out.
Ghost, block and go no contact.
How she handles it or how she performs on her “test” is no longer your concern.
I get the whole snooping thing, but 80% of the time, someone finds something that shouldn’t be happening, it’s the way the world has become, very lil to trust out here & tbh, you found her cheating, tell her straight & leave her, if she even brings up the lame excuse saying, “why would you go through my phone”, tell her not to waste your time with those common deflections that are used to make you feel bad because that shit is low & old. Don’t be ashamed to confront her bro, you have every right.
& for anyone who finds out they’re being betrayed, NEVER FEEL ASHAMED if you find out in similar ways to the one above, you’re not a toy for a partner to be using how he or she feels when it suits them. Don’t tolerate the common narrative. (I’m not saying everyone should go around snooping but yeah, yall get me)
You can be done with her by simply saying “This isn’t working out the way I thought it would. It’s best we are done, here are your things that were at my place” hand her stuff back. And then block her number and such.
I hate that everyone will use the “privacy” BS. Your suspension was right. To me shady behavior warrants a look through. If someone has nothing to hide why would it ever be an issue? Only people who do get defensive
She cheated on you and you wanna wait after her birthday? Heeellll no.
Please have a bit of self respect and leave her immediately!
You wrote you have experienced trauma from previous relationship. So, obviously you have pattern.
Please find good therapist, because you are the most important person and you deserve the best.
I wish you good luck! 🍀
“This isn’t working for me. Sorry.” and leave it at that. No need to justify anything or have an explanation.
When ending a relationship, you need to keep your goal a priority. Your goal is to not be in a relationship with that person anymore. Your goal is NOT to have a long-winded conversation, or make sure she understands your reasons, or to achieve justice. I would not suggest out-right lies, but you also do not have to be completely honest. You can leave things out.
“I don’t feel the magic, anymore” is probably an accurate statement.
You own her nothing she is an awful person, I would just ghost her, block her on everything
That’s really nice of you to think of her well being even though she didn’t think of yours. I would just end it now though because you need to put yourself first
I get it. I’d wait until after her test. Just be really busy for a while. But screw her birthday, seriously.
What are you learning by doing things this way? To be kind to those who treat you like garbage? Do you feel like that is a useful lesson?
You feel utterly betrayed right now. Worry about YOURSELF! Do what is right FOR YOU!
Forget how she feels and the impact.
Stand up for yourself.
You are wonderful and worthy of being with a good person.
No, I won’t condone what you did but her behavior was extremely suspicious. Phone under a pillow? No…just…no for so many reasons.
Face this. Tell her what you saw, how much it freaking hurt and that you two are through. And you do it when it works for you. If you can’t stand to be around her right now, then do it right now.
You got this.
Sincerely wish you the best.
You can break up with anyone for any reason. I’d just tell her it wasn’t working out and move on.
That gaslighting little snake:
> this sounds like projection I love you why would I I do everything for you I never done this that the other for any guy ever I’m not your ex
Used your past, made you apologise when she’s actually a clone of your cheating ex.
Dump her. Now. No cake for her.
Just ghost her now.
Sounds like a mild attempt at a script for a play. Your story comes off as so unbelievable. In no conceivable way would someone discover they were being cheated on repeatedly, and give the cheater any sort of a soft landing.
Just tell her you did not believe ehr, you went through her phone, and you were right
Also, tell her now. Not out of pity or something. Its for you. You dont owe her any peace of mind at all. Not even out of sympathy