I’ve been with my partner for almost 11 years now, with very little issue. He is kind, hardworking, funny and easygoing. I’m admittedly a bit hard to deal with and he has an endless well of patience for my moodiness and makes me feel very seen. All the pillars of a great partner, but then there’s the sexual attraction… there isn’t any.
When we first got together, there was an awkwardness to our intimacy. I chalked it up to nervousness or inexperience which I could work with, but it soon became clear that this was more of a self-confidence issue that stemmed from self-loathing from being overweight his whole life that I couldn’t even scratch the surface of. I tried to be patient but even the smallest things would make him flinch like making out, foreplay of any kind, any noise during sex etc. so it always ended up being less than a minute of the most boring sex you can imagine IF he could manage to put aside his discomfort to keep it up for that long. I have never tried to make him feel less than because of it, because I value him as a person and don’t want to add damage to something that is already clearly an issue. This went on for 4-5 years with me being the only one to initiate with varying success, always with the same conclusion. So, I kind’ve just gave up and life went on with zero intimacy.
Although I have a fairly healthy sex-drive that wasn’t (and isn’t) being met, I tried to reconcile the lack of intimacy with the fact that my partner is almost perfect for me in every other quality. We bought a house together where we both grew up, have chosen a child-free life with pets and can pursue our own hobbies and interests together and separately. But, as the years go on for me, there is a growing bitterness. After almost 5 years of no sex (only kissing and light cuddling) I started to feel myself become emotionally closed off, no longer attracted to my partner and not even wanting the smallest affections. I know I am not an unattractive woman, but it was also starting to become extremely damaging to my self esteem even though I knew it wasn’t stemming from him not being attracted to me.
He brought it up because he could tell something in me had shifted, which brought me to a tear-filled confession that the lack of intimacy has destroyed any romantic feeling I have for him, and I consider him to be a best friend that sleeps in my bed. He admitted that he knows it’s a problem he needs to work on, and wanted to have more open communication to help me work on rekindling those feelings which I agreed to. He agreed to show me more sexual interest which I have been practically starving for and is going to try working on himself to gain more confidence.
He has been true to his word, working out and eating better and in being more engaging in his interest in me. (ie: Being more handsy, complimenting me, not shying away when I’m naked around him etc.) However, I feel like it might be too late. I am trying everything to regain my romantic feelings toward him but it’s like I’m grasping for something that’s been long dead without me having realized until now.
We have tried going on dates, spending more one-on-one time, sharing in our separate interests, I have been trying to double down on WHY I loved him in the first place, etc. but I can’t re-catch what was lost and it terrifies me. It’s clear to me that I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore.
He is finally trying to initiate intimacy and I just simply don’t want it with him anymore, my body goes rigid as if I’m receiving affection from a stranger. I have been trying for MONTHS but it’s just not coming back.
There is just something in my soul screaming to be free of this so I can pursue a life on my own without this burden but I also don’t want to regret throwing away what we have. I am in the prime of my life, being told constantly that I am attractive by people that I also find attractive and have had to turn down many men and women that I would gladly experience if I was single. Having these thoughts wracks me with guilt because he is TRYING and so am I but it’s just…not working for me no matter what I do. To be clear, I have not been unfaithful but it’s getting harder every day to not have a wandering eye and wondering what else is out there for me.
What else can I do?
TLDR: After 5 years of bad sex, and 5 more years of no sex I have lost all sexual and romantic feelings for my amazing partner and am looking for opinions on if I should leave or keep trying.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You tolerated his insecurity from the beginning instead of recognizing that he could not be a fully functioning capable partner with it. You can’t separate people into their good and bad parts and have a relationship with just the good parts, you are taking the whole of the person and he is wholly not able to be a healthy partner because he is not dealing with the underlying issue. You can’t view time in a relationship as wasted or sunk cost fallacy, whatever time you have had, it’s in the past. What will you do today? 5 more years of an unfulfilling relationship with someone that you have to manage their unhealed attachment trauma?
“What can I do?”
Nothing, the spark (if you even ever had it) is long gone you even admitted it;
“I feel like it might be too late”
” I just simply don’t want it with him anymore, my body goes rigid as if I’m receiving affection from a stranger.”
End it already. It’s OK to fall out of love and you’ve been in denial way too long. You cannot force natural genuine feelings to magically return that’s not the way the human heart works IMO. If the spark isn’t there anymore organically then it’s time to admit it to yourself that it’s over. You’re already having your eye wander so please stop wasting your and his time. You’re a tad too old to not know when your simply not “in love” anymore.
If you want out just do it